In the Hospital Wing
The air in the hospital wing was thick with silence, as Sirius sat in a chair beside Regulus’ bed. He hadn’t left since they brought him in, and despite the nurses’ insistence that he should go rest, Sirius refused to move.
He stared at his brother, his eyes fixed on Regulus’ still form. His face was pale, his eyes closed, and though he was breathing, there was no sign that he would wake up anytime soon. Madam Pomfrey said that he was lucky—lucky that the fall hadn’t broken any bones, but none of that comforted Sirius. Regulus was still unconscious, and it was his fault.
They’d been rivals, yes, but was that really what Sirius had intended to do?
He wasn’t sure, not at all.
After the family dinner, Sirius had felt a lot of emotions towards regulus. He knew that regulus knew what had happened and still, he stood with their parents.
What a coward…
“Hey,” James’ voice broke through his thoughts, pulling him back to the present.
Sirius blinked, lifting his eyes to meet James concerned gaze. James stood near the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed. He looked tired.
“What do you want?” Sirius muttered, though he didn’t really mean it. His voice was hoarse, like he hadn’t spoken in ages.
“I just…” James paused, fidgeting with his sleeve. “I just wanted to check on you. See if you were okay.”
Sirius didn’t respond at first. He shifted in his seat, running a hand through his hair. His fingers were trembling, but he ignored it.
“I’m fine,” he said, though the words felt hollow. He wasn’t fine. He hadn’t been fine for a long time and refused to acknowledge it.
James let out a small sigh, stepping closer. “You don’t look fine.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly in the best state of mind right now,” Sirius replied, his voice sharp. “I didn’t want to hurt him,” Sirius muttered, his voice barely audible. “You have to believe me. I didn’t want this to happen- I was just… i'm just so angry, James.”
He didn’t say anything at first. He just walked over and pulled up the chair next to Sirius, sitting down. The two of them sat there in silence for a long moment, the only sound Regulus steady breathing.
“I didn’t mean for it to go that far,” he repeated, his voice cracking slightly. “I don’t know what came over me. It was just the game. I—I wasn’t thinking. I was just playing, and then I saw him, and it all went wrong.”
“You really think it was just the game, though?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
James leaned forward, his eyes never leaving Sirius’. “Listen mate, about what Moony said-”
Sirius clenched his jaw, thinking about Remus. His knuckles were still red and swollen from punching him. He just couldn’t bring himself to understand why Remus would act like that. “Let’s not talk about him, please.”
“Fine, but Sirius”, James said once more. “You’ve been carrying around a lot of anger for a long time and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you won’t escape your family through this behaviour.”
He knew James was right, but hearing it from his best friend made it all the more real.
“I just can’t understand why he would decide to just…accept our situation as it is. Why not fight back? Why not even try?” Sirius stared at the floor, his fingers curling into fists. They had fought about it last evening, but in the end, they knew none of them intended any harm. Not that that would make anything bearable.
“I don’t know how to fix it,” he muttered, barely above a whisper. “I don’t even know if I can.”
Before James could respond, there was a soft knock at the door. For a moment Remus hoped it was Remus, but it was Mary who stepped inside, her eyes immediately landing on Sirius.
“Sirius…” she started softly, sitting down in the chair across from him. Her voice was gentle, her hands reaching out for him, but Sirius just flinched.
He didn’t look at her either. He couldn’t bring himself to. He just kept his eyes fixed on Regulus, the only thing that mattered at the time.
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you.” Mary reached out again, her hand gently touching his arm, while James watched them in silence. “You’re not alone, Sirius. I’m here. Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out.”
Sirius shook his head, his hand brushing hers off with more force than he intended. “You don’t get it, Mary. You don’t understand. This isn’t something that can be fixed with words.”
“Sirius, I’m just trying to—”
“No, you’re not!” He snapped, his voice rising. He stood up abruptly, his chair hitting the floor. “You don’t know what it’s like, none of you does! You don’t know what it’s like to hate someone for so long, to let that anger grow, until it becomes something that you can’t control anymore. You don’t know what it’s like to hurt someone you love, and then—then try to make it better. You don’t know, so stop pretending like you do!”
Mary stuttered something and Sirius saw the angry tears in her eyes. He wasn’t being fair, to none of them, but he couldn’t help it.
“Stop trying” Sirius spat, his voice trembling with frustration. “You don’t know anything about what I’m going through. You don’t know what it’s like to have a brother who hates you, or having to choose between morals or family”
James stood up from his chair, his eyes flicking between Sirius and Mary. “Sirius, calm down—”
“I don’t need you to tell me to calm down, James!” Sirius’ voice cracked and his breathing ragged. His anger was bubbling over, and he didn’t know how to stop it. “I don’t want your pity,” he said quietly to Mary, his voice low but cutting. “I don’t need it.”
Mary looked at him, her face a mixture of hurt and confusion. She opened her mouth to say something, but she stopped herself, looking down instead.
“I can’t fix this, Mary,” Sirius said, his voice barely above a whisper. “I can’t fix me and you can’t either.” He turned away from her, his heart pounding in his chest. The guilt was suffocating, and it seemed like no matter what he did, he couldn’t escape it.
Mary shot him an angry glance, before she walked out of the hospital wing, leaving Sirius alone with James. He watched as Sirius leaned against the bed, hsi body shaking.
“That didn’t go well,” James murmured, his voice soft.
Sirius didn’t reply. He couldn’t.
He knew he had hurt Mary—he knew he’d said things he didn’t mean. But right now, nothing seemed to matter. Not the fight with her, not the guilt that gnawed at him because of Remus. The only thing that mattered was Regulus, who just lied there, face covered in bruises.
He hadn’t felt that much love towards him in a very long time and pushed away the tears, because James was still there, and crying now would make Everything worse.
Instead, he cried later, alone in the bathrooms near the hospital wing, until the door opened and Remus voice shot through the room.