In the bathroom
The bathroom was empty when he entered. Sirius went to one of the mirrors, running a hand through his hair while washing away the tears.
Then, the door creaked open. Sirius froze, looking up into the mirror just as Remus entered the bathroom. The two of them locked eyes for a split second, and Sirius felt a strange tightness in his chest.
Remus didn’t say anything. He just stood there, his expression guarded, but his posture tense. A bit of blood still covered part of his face and Remus' nose looked crooked. There was a flicker of something in his eyes that Sirius couldn’t quite place. It wasn’t pity. It wasn’t sympathy. Maybe it was anger, coiled and quiet, but still very much there.
Sirius didn’t know what to do, so he turned away, focusing on the reflection in front of him. His fingers gripped the edge of the sink, trying to steady himself.
“What are you doing here?” Remus’ asked.
Sirius hesitated. He wanted to say something sarcastic, something that would put distance between them, like be usually did, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, he simply shrugged.
“Same as you, I suppose,” he muttered. “Looking for some peace and quiet.”
Remus let out a short, humorless laugh. “That’s rich, coming from you.”
Sirius winced. He knew exactly what this was about. “Remus—”
“You punched me, Sirius.” Remus’ voice was sharp now, his hands balled into fists at his sides. “Do you even realize how fucking insane that is?”
“We’ll do you remember the fucked up shit you said?” Sirius exhaled slowly, rubbing a hand down his face. “Whatever, it’s not like it matters much…”
“No, it does. It does and I’m sorry. You’re nothing like your parents, Sirius,” Remus said, stepping closer. “I was just frustrated with the danger you put Regulus in.”
“I know”, Sirius muttered and Remus came closer, shaking his head.
“I want to hear you actually say it. Do you get how not okay that was?”
Sirius swallowed, feeling like a child being scolded. “I wasn’t thinking,” he admitted. “I—”
“No, you weren’t,” Remus interrupted. “But that’s not an excuse.”
Sirius flinched. He hated this. Hated the way Remus was looking at him. Hated that he deserved it.
“I know,” he said, quieter now. “I know it wasn’t okay. I shouldn’t have—oh fuck this…” he didn’t know how to continue anymore.
“Is this what you want, Sirius? You get pissed off, you lash out. That’s what you do, right? Just like your bloody family.” The words cut deeper than Remus probably meant them to. Sirius’ entire body went rigid, his breath catching in his throat. Remus must have realized it too, because he exhaled sharply, shaking his head. “I didn’t—”
“No, you’re right,” Sirius muttered, forcing a bitter laugh. “That’s what I am, isn’t it? A Black through and through.”
Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. The anger in his eyes hadn’t gone away, but it had softened slightly. “That’s not what I meant,” he said. “But you can’t keep doing this, Sirius. You can’t keep hurting the people who actually give a damn about you.”
Sirius heart raced, and for a moment, he thought he might say something else—something that would drive Remus further away. But instead, he let out a slow breath.
“I’m not fine,” he said after a long pause. “I’m not fine, and I haven’t been for a long time and I’m taking it out on the people I care about.”
There it was. The words that had been suffocating him for weeks, months, years even. He hadn’t meant to say them out loud, but now that they were out in the open, he couldn’t take them back.
Remus was silent, watching him carefully. He was still angry—Sirius could see it, but there was something else there now too. Concern. Understanding, perhaps.
“You could’ve just told me that,” Remus muttered. “Instead of throwing a bloody punch.”
Sirius let out a dry, humorless chuckle. “Yeah. That would’ve been easier, wouldn’t it?”
Sirius felt a lump form in his throat. He hated how vulnerable Remus made him feel. He hated how he could see right through the walls Sirius had spent so long building.
“I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” Sirius whispered, his voice trembling slightly. “Especially not you. I’m just… I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Remus was quiet for a moment, as if considering his words carefully. Finally, he spoke again. “You don’t have to figure it all out on your own, you know. You’ve got us. All of us.”
“I don’t deserve any of you,” Sirius muttered, his gaze falling to the floor.
“Don’t say that,” Remus said, his voice surprisingly firm. “You do deserve it. We’re your friends, Sirius. No matter what you think, you’re not alone in this.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s like I’m… falling apart.” Sirius’ voice cracked, and his head dropped again. He looked up at the reflection in front if him, but the pathetic boy in the mirror wasn’t him. “I’m trying so hard to keep it together, but it feels like every time I think I’m okay, something else happens.”
Remus paused, his gaze softening as he stepped closer. “What do you mean?”
Sirius turned around, not meeting Remus gaze. “After the dinner with my family last month… my mother, she—” His voice caught in his throat. “She used the Cruciatus Curse on me.”
Remus’ eyes widened, the softness in his expression quickly replaced by concern. “Sirius…”
Sirius let out a bitter laugh, shaking his head as if to dismiss it. “You’d think I’d be used to her and dad by now, wouldn’t you? But every time, it’s like it breaks something inside me all over again.”
Remus bit his lip. Sirisu could see that Remus didn’t know what to do or say, but he was trying. “I can’t imagine what that’s like.”
Sirius rubbed his face with his hands. “It’s not like I don’t expect it. I’ve been expecting it my whole life. But this time… it was different. It’s like I can’t outrun it anymore. I can’t make myself forget.” He let out another short laugh. “I used to think it was all just part of the game, that I was supposed to hate her, that it made me… stronger, or something. But now I just… I don’t know anymore, Remus. Maybe I should just give in like regulus does- maybe I’d be better off with that.”
“No”, Remus said, almost immediately. “We won’t let that happen, you’ll never have to go there again. Well tell Dumbledore or the Potters and-”, he was slurring his words, clearly struggling to not freak out either. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out. Together.”
Sirius looked at him, his eyes searching Remus’ face as if trying to see if he meant it. Remus stepped forward, putting a hand on his shoulder, his touch warm and grounding. “It’s not your fault, Sirius. You didn’t ask for that, and you didn’t deserve it. None of it is on you.”
For the first time, the weight of everything—his mother’s curses, his family’s expectations, the constant battles within himself—felt a little more bearable.
“I don’t know how to let go of it,” Sirius whispered, his voice breaking. The tears came again, and this time he did nothing to stop them. “And Regulus- I don’t want him to become like them.” The thought of his little brother, becoming a death eater, forcing the same pain upon others which his parents forced onto them.
“He won’t, if you don’t let it happen. Regulus isn’t like your parents either”, Remus said, while stepping even closer, hesitantly pulling Sirius in. He didn’t mind and wrapped his arms about the taller boys chest, clinging to him like letting go would cost him his sanity.
“How would you know?”, Sirius mumbled. He noticed Remus shifting as he asked that.
“I don’t know… I’m just saying whatever comes to mind.”
“Okay”, Sirius replied, but he sensed it, something strange.
But he had enough of strange stuff going on for one day, so he didn’t press further.
“Don’t tell anyone about… y’know”, he managed to add as they let go of each other.
“Anything for you, Sirius.”