Chapter 5
Remus didn’t know why he expected anything else. He always disappointed himself.
“I’ll never get this right.” Remus sighed defeatedly, pressing his forehead against the cool table. He was struggling with Potions, and he felt like a complete idiot. Lily had gotten it. Everyone else had gotten it. Why couldn’t he?
“Oh, come on. You aren’t giving up, are you?” Lily, who had insisted on helping Remus, spoke from the comfortable armchair.
“I am. I give up. Fuck, I’m so bloody stupid-“
“Oh, stop it. You get perfect grades, and what? It takes you a bit more effort to be perfect in one bloody lesson and you’ve gone all defeatist on me? Fuck that. You’re going to get this no matter how long it takes you. You aren’t stupid, Remus, so stop being an idiot and saying you are.” Lily always spoke way too quickly, but somehow spoke so eloquently.
Remus reluctantly agreed to be taught, managing to understand in just under an hour. He apologized to Lily profusely for wasting so much of her time but she didn’t seem to care and brushed off his apologies.
Remus was the last one in the common room, and the room was so dimly lit, Remus had to squint to read. He had wanted to catch up on the Potions lesson and make sure he understood it perfectly. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and yawned.
“Merlin.” Remus jumped as he heard the groggy voice of Sirius as he came up from behind him. “You’re studying?” He asked incredulously. Remus thought he looked adorably silly in his messy hair and puffy eyes.
“I’m behind on Potions.” Remus replied absentmindedly, returning to his work. Sirius’ voice was soft and hoarse from sleep, and Remus would never do anything other than listen to that fucking voice. He couldn’t risk glancing at Sirius’ face, either, for fear he would never look away.
“It’s bloody 3 in the morning, Remus.” Sirius yawned, then, and Remus assumed that he had woken up from a nightmare and had come down to the common room once he found Remus was missing from his bed.
“Lost track of time. Just gimme a minute…” Remus scribbled quickly, not caring about how neat his notes were.
“Absolutely not. Come on. Go to bed.” Sirius whisper-shouted. Remus shook his head. He was behind and he simply couldn’t be.
“It’s too late for sleep, anyway. I should finish this.” Remus said, looking up to find Sirius chewing his bottom lip, a sign of nerves. “You okay?” Remus asked, frowning at Sirius’ bitten-red lips.
“Hm? Oh, yeah. I’m good. Just come up to bed. Please.”
“Fine, just give me a second. I’m almost-“ Remus yawned, interrupting himself.
“Nope.” Sirius took a hold of Remus’ jumper and yanked him up, ignoring Remus’ protests as he was dragged back to the dorm room. Remus shoved Sirius off him, accidentally brushing his fingers on the bare skin of Sirius’ collarbone.
“Oh, Jeez. Your hands are freezing.” Sirius gasped, impulsively grabbing Remus’ hands and rubbing them between his warmer ones.
“Oh. Didn’t notice.” Remus mumbled, his mind focussing on Sirius’ hands on his.
“It’s because you never give yourself a break to realise how shit you treat yourself.” Sirius tutted lightheartedly.
“I treat myself fine, Sirius.”
“I’m sure you do. Rest now, please.”
So Remus, the lovesick fool, did as he was asked to. He entered the bathroom, made little cuts on his thighs, stared at his reflection in disgust, brushed his teeth so violently he could feel the metallic taste on his tongue, changed into his too-big pyjamas, and walked back out. Sirius was dozing softly when he reached his bed, and Remus, too, fell asleep to Peter’s gentle snores and James’ quiet unintelligible sleep-talking.
•••
“You fucking- you’re so bloody- you can’t just-“
“Feeling a bit flustered there, Remus?” Sirius smirked, as Remus’ glare intensified. He felt anger surge through his blood.
“You’re a fucking prick.” He gritted out, and walked in his fast pace, the one none of his friends could ever catch up with.
“Remus?! Wait!” Sirius called after him, but Remus was too furious to stop, even for Sirius.
In Remus’ opinion, his anger was completely justified. He had overheard Snape and Malfoy badmouthing him, yet felt no reason to retaliate. But Sirius, who had joined the class a bit later and had heard what the pair of Slytherins were talking about, decided to escalate the situation by cursing them, getting detention consequently.
“Remus. Come on! They deserved it!” Sirius whined, running after Remus.
Remus’ headache grew. His heart fluttered weirdly.
“Just fuck off, Sirius.” His forehead was coated with sweat, but he shivered from the cold. His fingers were blue. Remus felt seriously ill.
“Remus, I’m sorry, okay? Just…”
Remus stopped when he felt his head spin violently. Shit, he didn’t have enough time to sit down somewhere. He was about to pass out.
Remus leaned against the wall of the hallway for support, (“Hey, watch it!” a painting protested) but found himself still impossibly dizzy, and decided to sink down to the floor.
“…are you… happened?!… Fucking…”
Remus groaned and looked up, and found himself face-to-face with Sirius, who seemed so unlike his usual cheery, confident self. He looked panic-stricken, and so concerned he bordered on morphing into Euphemia Potter.
“Remus? Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. You scared me. You just… you weren’t responding. It was as if you’d just… Fuck.” Sirius breathed out, sinking down next to Remus.
“Sorry. I think I’m just a bit under the weather.” Remus said quietly.
“A bit? You nearly passed out and you look as pale as Nearly Headless Nick. Can I get you something? Water, food, a fucking ambulance? I’ll tell James to get Madam Pomfrey.” Sirius made to get his mirror from the pocket of his robes, when Remus interrupted.
“No. I’m okay. I think I’m just dehydrated.” It wasn’t a full lie, but it wasn’t the truth in its entirety. If Remus was being honest, it was probably that he had thrown up his last meal and hadn’t rested properly. It was also probably due to the fact that he was sick. Very sick, he could barely stand up on his own.
“Bed. Now.” Sirius demanded. “I’m going up to the Hospital Wing to get you some potions. I expect to find you in bed when I get back. Please, Remus. You just nearly gave me a heart attack.”
Remus was about to protest when he felt a wave of nausea hit him. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his head between his arms and squeezed his eyes shut.
“Remus?” Sirius' soft hand was clutching Remus’ arm in worry.
“M’fine.” Remus mumbled.
“No, you fucking aren’t. Come on, I’m carrying you.”
“What?!” Remus snapped his head up, making his head pound painfully. Sirius didn’t look like he was joking. He got up, brushed off his robes, and reached a hand out to Remus.
Remus ignored it and stood up by himself, swaying unsteadily. “You can barely stand on your own. I’m carrying you.” Sirius repeated, placing a hand on the middle of Remus’ back.
Remus shook his head. “No. Besides, I’m like, way taller than you. You can’t possibly carry me.” Remus thought he was too heavy for Sirius, and didn’t think he would be able to handle Sirius teasing him for it.
“It’s fine, I’ve been bulking up at the gym.” Sirius smirked, raising an arm and flexing the strong muscles there. Remus gulped, then looked away. Sirius made to carry Remus, but the latter backed away.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” He muttered, and walked past Sirius.
Sirius bounced to his side almost immediately. “I get that you’re pissed off, but I just can’t stand by and casually wonder to myself if you’ve passed out in the middle of a hallway or something. Please let me walk you to the dorm and you can yell at me on the way, okay?”
Remus rolled his eyes in response. Sirius took that as a sign of compliance.
“I won’t yell at you.” Remus grumbled, making Sirius grin wildly.
“Good. Mind telling me why you’re so mad at me for defending you, then?” Sirius ran a hand through his hair casually, and Remus had to force himself to look away.
“You can’t do things like that. You keep getting into trouble because of me and I just- you shouldn’t keep doing that. I can defend myself just fine.”
“I don’t mind getting detention, Moony. Besides, those assholes deserved it.” Sirius smiled at Remus, who felt his stomach turn. It was because he was sick. Not because of the way Sirius eyes glowed at Remus in warmth, or the way his mouth looked so perfectly kissable.
The pair walked in silence, and Remus collapsed onto his bed when they reached their room. Sirius disappeared shortly afterwards, and reappeared a few minutes later with bottles of potions in his arms.
“This should help with the cough you’ve been trying to hide from me.” Sirius gave Remus a small bottle. “This one's for dizziness.” He handed Remus another. “Oh, this is for stomach pain, because I wasn’t sure if you were feeling pain there or not.” Sirius glanced at Remus, who tried to hide his awestruck expression. “This one's for nausea, the blue one is for headaches, the pink one is for fever, and this one is for sore throats. Did I miss something?”
Remus shook his head, a small smile playing on his lips. “Thank you.” He said quietly.
Sirius beamed. “Of course, no problem. I’m just going down to get dinner for the both of us, to eat it here if you’re not feeling up to going to the Great Hall. Have you eaten today? You’re not supposed to take the nausea and stomach pain potions on an empty stomach.”
Remus hesitated. If he admitted that he hadn’t eaten all day, then he would’ve appeared more suspicious in front of his overprotective friend. If he lied and said he did eat, then he didn’t know what effect the potions would have on him. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be that bad, right?
Remus nodded. Sirius only eyed him suspiciously before giving him a smile and leaving the dorm room again. Remus took a little of the potions.
It didn’t take much time for the potion to work, and Remus felt as if his insides were being washed with cool water. He sighed contentedly as the pain he didn’t realise had plagued him was washed away.
Remus felt the room spin slightly, and his vision felt warped. The side effects of taking the potions on an empty stomach were a lot like being drunk, Remus noted.
Halfway through looking for his quill and writing down his notes, Remus found himself on Sirius’ bed. He didn’t know why the sheets felt more comfortable on his friend’s bed. He rubbed his hands against the soft blankets. He leaned in to sniff them, not in a weird way, Remus defended himself in his mind. It’s perfectly normal to be curious about his mate’s scent.
Sirius entered the dorm after a few minutes, Remus guessed. He didn’t have the best sense of time, it could’ve been hours.
“Remus…?” Sirius’ voice sounded confused, and Remus squinted to make the 2 Siriuses focus into one.
“Padfoot!” He greeted him enthusiastically. Sirius frowned in concern, and Remus flashed him a smile to make him know that he was okay. It must’ve looked dopey or spaced out, because Sirius looked even more concerned.
“Remus, what’s wrong?” He asked. Remus let out a giggle, because, well, everything was wrong. “Moony,” Sirius held his hand still, and that was when Remus realised he was shaking. “Are you… intoxicated?” Sirius asked confusedly.
“M’not drunk.” Remus slurred. “I’m like… sooo sober.” He giggled.
“Shit, it’s the potions, isn’t it?” Sirius questioned. Remus reached out a hand to smooth the wrinkles between Sirius’ eyebrows. He didn’t like them there. “Moony, be honest. Did you eat today?” Sirius asked.
Remus burst into another fit of giggles. “Remus, please. Just answer me.” Sirius grabbed Remus’ arm that was scratching his thigh furiously.
“I ate, I think.” Remus paused. “Oh, no, that was like… 2 days ago? Dunno.” Remus pushed Sirius off of him, and got up. He staggered to his own bed, and missed Sirius’ reaction to his words.
“You haven’t eaten in 2 days…?” Sirius sounded like he was on the brink of tears. Remus was ignoring him, though. He reached under his own bed for a new set of ink. He brought his parchment and was preparing to study, even in his drunken state.
“Moony, come on. You need to eat. No studying for you.” Sirius put gentle hands on Remus’ shoulders and led him to his bed. A tray with an assortment of food was on the bedside table; soups, mostly. “Wasn’t much sick people food, but I found what I-“
“M’not hungry.” Remus protested. He pouted like a child and Sirius took a deep breath.
“Remus, please. Just a little.” Sirius pleaded. Remus frowned at how sad he sounded. He looked at Sirius, then, and found his eyes were watery.
“What’s the matter?” Remus asked. He shut his eyes tightly to make the spinning slow down, swaying slightly.
“I just want to help you.” Sirius said.
“I don’t need help.” Remus mumbled. He tugged on his sweater’s sleeves so that they covered his hands. It was something he always did when he was nervous, or felt really small.
“It’s not a bad thing to need help. But I’m really worried about you, Moony.” Sirius took a hold of Remus’ cold hands to stop his fidgeting. He met Remus’ shy, flustered gaze, with a steady, comforting one of his own.
“You don’t have to worry about me.” Remus whispered, and leaned against Sirius’ shoulder for support when the room began to spin faster. He pulled away quickly when he felt Sirius tense beneath him.
“No offence, but I don’t believe that for a second.” Sirius smiled to soften his words. “Come on. Eat up.” He moved away from Remus, and the latter nearly whimpered because of how much he missed Sirius’ warmth.
Sirius patted his bed, and Remus carried himself clumsily, trying not to knock over the soup and spilling it onto the tray.
“Pick something to eat, yeah?” Sirius said softly.
Remus’ stomach decided to growl at that moment, though Remus didn’t really care because a strand of Sirius’ silky hair decided to fall across his face. Remus reached out a hand to brush it back at the same time Sirius did. Their hands met, and Remus could see the blush in his cheeks reflected in Sirius’.
“Chicken noodle soup is amazing when you’re sick.” Sirius broke the silence. “Mu- Euphemia makes it whenever I get sick, especially on Christmas. I get so sick in the winter, honestly. It’s hell.”
“Okay.” Remus said. He was hungry. Really hungry. One meal wouldn’t hurt, right? But how much was in this, anyway? 400?
Remus picked up the spoon, but his hand was shaking. He inhaled deeply.
“You want some help?” Sirius asked. Remus giggled again, because it’s such a ridiculous thing to ask someone if they needed help eating.
“I don’t feel well.” Remus said. It wasn’t a full lie, either. He was so hungry, yet the smell of food made him feel nauseous.
“That’s probably because you haven’t eaten in a while.” Sirius whispered tensely.
“Probably.” Remus grinned deliriously at Sirius, whose returned smile looked more like a grimace.
Sirius took a hold of Remus’ spoon, scooping a generous amount of chicken into it. He held it up to Remus’ lips, who tried not to gag.
Remus shook his head. Sirius gave him a stern, motherly look and Remus reluctantly opened his mouth. Sirius fed Remus, seemingly relieved that Remus had eaten at all.
Remus felt his face grow warm. “I can feed myself.” Remus resisted. Sirius raised a suspicious brow, but then handed Remus the spoon. He seemed to sense that this entire ordeal was mortifying to Remus.
Remus ate slowly at first, picking at the noodles and mildly wondering how many calories were in it. But as his empty stomach began to fill, his mind unlocked the agonising hunger he was experiencing. Remus shovelled down his food at an alarming rate, yet the single bowl of soup seemed to be way too filling.
If Remus were in a better state, he would’ve panicked at the fact that he had eaten so much, and that his stomach was so full. But “drunk” Remus was content with his situation, and yawned as he began to feel his consciousness begging for escape.
Sirius looked at him with a proud smile, yet the concern didn’t quite leave his eyes. “You’re not alone.” Sirius said, tracing the scar that ran from Remus’ eyebrow to the corner of his lip with his eyes.
“You’re watching yourself but you’re… too unfair!” Remus sang absentmindedly, giggling like a little child. The potions didn’t seem to have worn off, and Remus had a giddy feeling in his gut.
“And you’re not alone!” Sirius chimed him, grinning madly.
And they both sang clumsily, despite the seriousness of the situation. Despite the fact that Sirius almost certainly knew about Remus. Despite the fact Remus was in love with him, and Sirius would never love him back.
•••
“Remus?” James’ voice woke him up, and Remus flinched violently. “What are you doing in Sirius’ bed?” He asked.
Remus’ jolted upwards. “What?- Ow.” He groaned, a distinct banging in his head. “What’s the time?” Remus asked.
“Dunno, like 10:30?” James shrugged, stepping back when Remus made to get up. He had a mischievous grin on his face, though Remus didn’t know what it was for.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Remus groaned, he rubbed his face frustratedly, knowing he’d have to sacrifice his sleep for him to catch up on studying. Remus was in the bathroom, washing his face, when a sudden realisation came over him. He fucking-
“Shit!” Remus hissed, holding a hand over his stomach. It was slightly less empty than before, and Remus felt sick.
He crouched down to the toilet bowl and shoved his fingers down his throat. He gagged for a few seconds, but nothing came up.
“Fuck.” Remus whispered to himself, feeling his throat constrict with held-back tears.
Just how much did he eat? Wait…
Sirius.
Remus felt his heart drop down to his shoes. Sirius knew? No, he couldn’t have known. Could he?
“Shit, shit shit…” Remus hissed. He rummaged for a razor, finding one in the pocket of his robes. He immediately started on his thigh, fingers shaking and breathing heavy.
“Oh, fuck.” Remus groaned. He was totally fucked, now.
“Hurry up in there!” James called, then chuckled to himself, muttering something Remus couldn’t hear.