Chapter 4
Remus had mulled over the girls’ words. He knew he didn’t regard himself in the best light, so he knew the answer to their question. Of course he wouldn’t refuse pranking Snape if he had hurt his friends instead of him. What kind of question was that?
His friends hadn’t made any effort to reach out to him, and he didn’t think they should. He was the one ignoring them and they shouldn’t have to run after him. Remus knew this was completely logical. It didn’t hurt any less.
Remus had always been easy to anger, how a forest catches fire from a minor spark. This made it nearly impossible for him to stay calm. Ever.
“Remus, y- um, what’s up?” Sirius asked, once he found Remus clutching the railing of the Astronomy Tower so hard his knuckles turned white. It was a chilly afternoon, and Remus had gone out for a smoke.
“Nothing.” Remus gritted out, when, really, it was everything. Everything that happened to him that day; Waking up in cold sweat, resisting the urge to eat, the itching feeling of the healing cuts on his thighs, the pounding in his skull, Snape and his torture methods, spilling ink on his History of Magic essay, being ambushed by a pair of Slytherins…
“Remus, no offence, but you look like you’re about to-“
“About to what?” Remus snapped, glaring at Sirius who gave him a nonchalant look.
“About to burn the school to the ground.” Sirius smirked, casually lighting his own cigarette.
“Fuck off.” Remus hissed, holding the railing harder as he felt his head was about to explode.
“Not until you speak to me.” Sirius insisted, leaning against the railing. Remus thought he looked beautiful; rosy cheeks and a slightly red nose from the cold, hair blowing in the wind and smoke curling around him like a halo.
Remus pointedly said nothing, taking a long drag from his cigarette. He could feel the hunger gnawing at his insides, and prayed to whatever god was listening not to let his stomach grumble.
Sirius grinned at him, and looked towards the sky. He looked like he was thinking deeply about something and Remus felt as though he were intruding on some private moment, so he looked up at the sky then, too.
Remus didn’t want the moment to ever end, but he was afraid that if he stayed with Sirius alone for too long, he would confess his love to him at any chance he had. Sirius, true to his word, didn’t seem to want to leave.
Remus didn’t know when he had calmed down, but his blood wasn’t boiling with anger anymore.
“I was just sort of pissed off.” Remus broke the silence. His voice was hoarse with disuse, and he wondered how long they had been standing there in complete silence. Remus cleared his throat.
“I couldn’t tell,” Sirius commented sarcastically. He didn’t look at Remus, and Remus didn’t look at him either.
“Piss off.” He muttered. There was a pause. “Well, I just… I just had a bad day, s’all.” Remus shrugged his shoulders, even though he knew Sirius wouldn’t see.
“Wanna tell me what happened?” Sirius asked, and Remus could feel his eyes on his face.
“Um, nothing, really,” Remus lied. “Actually, it was everything.” He said quietly. “Just an accumulation of things, I suppose.” Remus shrugged again, and finished his cigarette. He pulled out another one and lit it.
“Smoking is bad for you, you know.” Sirius smirked. Remus rolled his eyes. “But, actually, since when do you smoke so much? You used to smoke, like, once a week.” Sirius asked softly. There was no judgment in his tone, only gentle curiosity.
“Dunno. I think, and I know it’s a bit of a stretch but just hear me out, cigarettes can be kind of addictive.”
Sirius snorted and Remus could feel that he had rolled his eyes.
“Can I ask you something?” Sirius questioned. Remus hid a smirk.
“You just did.” He couldn’t help himself from saying.
“Fuck off.” Sirius gently shoved his shoulder and Remus smiled genuinely. Sirius looked at it as though it was unexpected. “What was Malfoy on about?” Sirius nearly whispered.
“Hm?” Remus hummed as though he didn’t know what Sirius meant. His heart was beating wildly in his ears.
“What does he know about you that we don’t?” Sirius asked firmly, and something in his voice made Remus turn his head to look at him. He looked hurt, even betrayed. Remus felt a lump grow in his throat. He looked away.
“I don’t know.” He said shakily, and took a drag from his cigarette. Even his fingers were shaking.
“Right.” Sirius sounded as though he didn’t believe him. “Cool. Just let me know when you decide to tell us the truth, yeah? I thought we were friends. Friends tell each other things.” There was a pinch of anger in his voice, and Remus couldn’t say anything to defend himself. What would he have said?
I can’t bear for you to know the truth about me. I’m not ready to lose you. I don’t think I can manage you looking at me differently.
Sirius scoffed at Remus’ silence and stomped off. Remus took a deep, shaky breath in. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and swallowed thickly. Fuck, he thought.
- ••
It seemed as though Sirius would never speak to him again. Remus and Sirius were both avoiding each other and the other boys had noticed, oblivious as they were.
One evening, after Remus had climbed into the common room tiredly, having just studied for an obscure number of hours, James cornered him.
“What’s happened between you and Sirius?” He half-whispered, trying desperately to make eye contact with Remus, who was looking at his shoes.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Remus said, and made to move past James when he grabbed his arm. Remus pulled back instinctively.
“Oh, really? Then why have you both been avoiding each other like the plague?!” James sounded a bit like he was at his wit’s end. “Merlin, I had to fucking drag Sirius to classes all day. I know it wasn’t just because classes are boring. You’ve been ignoring each other. You, Remus, have been ignoring all of us for a bit longer and if you would please just tell me what the fuck happened so that I could-“
“Just stop it, James. Nothing happened. Sirius and I are fine. I’ve just been busy. And now, please let me go up to the dorm or I’ll fucking fall asleep on your shoulder right this second, standing upright and all.” Remus sighed tiredly and if he were in a right state of mind, he would’ve felt bad at the defeated slump of James’ shoulders.
“Right, sorry, mate.” James mumbled, moving aside to let Remus drag himself upstairs, James’ footsteps behind him.
Remus’ head was spinning and he stumbled slightly. James held out an arm to steady him and Remus blushed. He didn’t turn to look at James.
Remus could feel his consciousness slipping; stars danced across his vision and his limbs felt like lead. He collapsed onto his bed and closed his eyes to regain his strength, but when he opened his eyes, he was met with James’ concerned eyes.
“What’s wrong?” James asked nervously, searching Remus’ face like he could read it.
“Told you. M’tired.” Remus said, and turned onto his side so that his back was facing James. He heard James let out a long-suffering sigh and walk away from him. Remus choked back his tears. He was pushing them away but he was so scared of losing them. Remus didn’t know what else to do. I’m sorry. He didn’t know what he would apologise for; being a werewolf? Being sick? Being an asshole?
- ••
“What’s gotten into you?” Peter asked, once Remus had snapped at a first year who accidentally bumped into him.
“Nothing.” Remus mumbled, increasing his pace. Peter struggled to catch up.
“There’s something that’s bothering you and we don’t know what it is. If you would just talk to us-“
“Fuck off.” Remus grumbled, and was walking way too quickly. Everyone moved out of the scarred, tall boy’s way.
He heard Peter calling after him faintly, but didn’t want to respond. Maybe it was better this way, if he was alone. They wouldn’t find out about him and Remus wouldn’t have to fear losing them anymore.
His shoulder collided with someone else’s and before he could mutter a half-hearted apology, his eyes met those of Sirius Black.
“Sorry.” He told him, then marched off promptly.
“Hey! Wait! Remus, slow the fucking fuck down!” Sirius was now running after him and Remus picked up the pace. He supposed he could thank his long legs for carrying him faster than everyone else.
“Jesus fucking Christ-“ Sirius was panting and he finally grabbed the sleeve of Remus’ robes, putting a stop to Remus’ getaway. Sirius took a minute to catch his breath, doubling over and putting his hands on his knees for support. After a few moments of him panting heavily and Remus sighing dramatically, Sirius straightened up.
“You’re a fucking prick.” Sirius stated, and Remus rolled his eyes. “You keep things from us. From me-“
“Why do you always do that?” Remus nearly growled frustratedly. “You always use ‘we’ or ‘us’ then repeat what you said but using ‘me’ or ‘I.’”
“I…” Sirius seemed to be at a loss for what to say. “I don’t know.” He looked away bashfully and Remus felt his anger leave his body so quickly, he questioned whether he felt it at all. “But, my point still stands. You haven’t been honest with us and, frankly, that isn’t fair. You know everything there is to know about me, but I barely know anything about you.” Sirius looked hurt, and Remus had to look away.
“But you know more about me than anyone else does.” Remus muttered.
“Honestly, mate, that’s like, not even a lot. You don’t really open up to many people.” Sirius didn’t seem to be judging him then, either. He said it as though he was talking about Remus’ favourite colour.
Remus said nothing.
“Are you,” Sirius took a deep, emotional breath, “have you been avoiding me because I came out to you?” Sirius asked, and Remus felt his heart was lodged in his throat.
“Of course not.” He said quickly, glaring at Sirius to let him know that he would never think like that.
“Then what?” Sirius looked like he was holding back tears. “What did we do?”
“It isn’t about you.” Remus said, holding back tears of his own. It wasn’t necessarily the full truth. It’s about losing you. I don’t want to lose you.
“Bullshit!” Sirius hissed, then tried to make eye contact with Remus. “That’s fucking bullshit, Remus, and you know it. You don’t want to tell us, that’s fine; but at least man up and face us because it’s what we deserve. We care about you and I honestly couldn’t give a fuck what skeletons you have in your closet. If your head is too thick for you to see that, then I guess I’ll just have to prove it to you, won’t I?”