Chapter 3
Remus stayed in the Hospital Wing for almost a fortnight. Barely recovered from the full moon, Remus’ weak body that he’d practically destroyed consistently since his second year stood no chance at a speedy recovery.
He was going mad, staring at the white wall, drowning in his thoughts as food was shoved down his throat. He could feel himself regaining his health, physically, and couldn’t bear it.
All his hard work was for nothing. He carefully crafted his body with years of self-control, and he was starting to feel it slip away from his fingers.
He can feel the fat on his body, at least he thought so. He was still underweight, still way too skinny. His mind convinced him otherwise.
Remus’ friends visited him after classes and he couldn’t look them in the eye. They can tell, he thought to himself. They can tell I’ve gotten fat again.
But his friends didn’t comment, they were always polite in that sense.
When Remus received the news that he could leave, he nearly ran out of the Hospital Wing in his hurry. Speed-walking to his dorm room, Remus went straight to the bathroom. He locked the door and shoved his fingers down his throat quickly. He retched into the toilet bowl, relief washing over him as he felt his stomach losing its contents. He hadn’t felt hungry in over a week and Remus couldn’t take it anymore.
Remus cleaned everything up and went straight to his bed. Rummaging underneath it for the razor, his fingers grazed it and he winced slightly. Pulling it out and walking quickly to the bathroom, Remus sliced through his skin. He sighed and welcomed the pain, as though it were an old friend he hadn’t seen for months.
The laughing voices of his friends reached his ears and Remus hurried, cleaning the mess the blood left.
He opened the door of the bathroom just as the dorm room’s door opened. His friends seemed surprised and excited when they spotted him, James attacking him with a hug. Remus tensed, sure that James could feel the extra layer of fat around him. He sucked in his flat stomach, hoping James couldn’t feel the paunch.
Concern flooded James’ eyes. “It’s like you’re skin and bones.” James whispered, and Remus thought he didn’t mean for Remus to hear it. Remus wanted to laugh at the joke, but the jab made him slightly self-conscious.
“Remus! I’m so glad you’re back. You have no idea how much I missed you. I need you, Moony, to help me stay sane while in the company of these two idiots!” Peter was smiling so warmly at Remus that the latter couldn’t help but smile back.
“Oi!” James protested, and ruffled Peter’s hair playfully.
“Ah! Get off me, Potter! Help, Sirius!”
But Sirius didn’t speak. He didn’t react at all, actually. He stared at Remus as though he could read his mind and Remus squirmed because oh god he noticed.
He rushed out of the dorm, muttering something about needing air. He bumped into Lily, nearly knocking her over. He steadied her, apologising quickly. He darted off before she could see the tears in his eyes.
•••
Remus took a lap of the whole Castle. He found an empty classroom, and paced around. Hopefully he could burn a few calories as he walked.
He used a quick spell to time his walking and he paced himself such that one step was one second until the door burst open and Peeves walked in, cackling about some chaos he had created, no doubt.
“Loony Lupin! Such a wonderful surprise seeing you here! Why, you look healthier than ever. Finally ate something?” His grin was stretched, a wild gleam in his eyes. Remus scoffed, flipping him off as he walked past him and outside the room.
He walked back to Gryffindor Tower, red faced and embarrassed.
“Billywig.” He muttered. The Fat Lady raised an eyebrow.
“New password, I’m afraid. Changed just an hour ago.” She informed him, and Remus cursed.
“Fuck!” He punched the wall next to her. The paintings glared at him nastily, and Remus felt insane.
“Remus!” The boy in question looked up to see Sirius panting as he ran up to Remus.
“Bloody-fucking hell. I’ve been following you for ages, calling your name. Didn’t you hear me?” Sirius panted, leaning dramatically against the wall Remus had just punched.
Remus shook his head wordlessly, ashamed of his zoned out state.
Sirius glanced at his bleeding knuckles. “Shit. What happened?” Sirius asked. Remus shrugged, looking everywhere but at Sirius’ eyes, who were always too gentle, even when he was acting cold, or when he was angry. Sirius who held his friends like they would disappear from him, like cupping water. Sirius who Remus knew noticed his change.
Remus rubbed his arms, feeling cold. Sirius told him the password was “Fanged Geranium.” Once he climbed inside, Remus went straight to his bed. Not bothering to change, he fell promptly asleep.
•••
When Remus awoke, his head was pounding against his skull. He frantically searched for a glass, and filled it with water from the tip of his wand. He gulped it down quickly.
It was still dark out, and Remus groaned inwardly. He could never go back to sleep when he woke up.
“Remus?” The hushed whisper startled Remus, who snapped his head to Sirius’ bed. Sitting there cross legged, Sirius was in only his pajama pants, shirtless.
Remus blushed and looked away. “Why are you awake?” Sirius asked him.
“Dunno. You?” Remus’ heart was beating loudly in his chest and he tried to ignore it.
“Nightmare.” Sirius said, nonchalantly, like he had one every night. Remus had to stop himself from walking towards his friend and giving him a tight hug.
“Oh.” Was what he said instead. He heard shuffling and Sirius was walking to his bed. He saw that he was wearing a t-shirt now, and the hand he wasn’t aware was clenched relaxed in his lap.
“Can you go back to sleep?” Sirius asked, sitting at the foot of Remus’ bed. Remus shook his head and Sirius followed the movement with his eyes.
“Me neither.” He sighed. “Mind if I…” Sirius gestured to the space next to Remus, and Remus shook his head. Smiling, Sirius was half-lying down next to Remus, their backs pressed against the headboard.
“So, how are you feeling?” Sirius asked him, and Remus felt his heartbeat spike again, for another reason.
“Fine.” Remus replied shortly, shrugging. Sirius scanned his face, like he always did, and shook his head.
“You know, I really don’t believe you when you say that.” Sirius muttered. Remus didn’t know how to reply, so he said nothing. “If you… just, if you need someone to talk to, you do know that we would help, right? That I would help? You don’t have to do it on your own. We’re always here for you.” Sirius sounded sad, but genuine nonetheless.
“I know.” Remus lied, and Sirius sighed, adjusting his seating so that he was more comfortable.
“Mummy wants me to get engaged to someone.” Sirius whispered, so quietly Remus thought he must’ve misheard him.
“But you’re not even 16 yet?” Remus said, confused.
“I know. I don’t think there are any wizard laws against 16 year olds getting engaged. Besides, the marriage wouldn’t be until we were both of age.” Remus was not used to hearing Sirius defeated, and he definitely didn’t like it.
“Can we do anything?” Remus asked desperately.
Sirius shrugged. “I think I know what I want to do…”
“Well?” Remus urged.
“I think I’ll come out to them. As…” Sirius took a deep breath, “as gay.” He exhaled as though he was waiting for Remus to react.
Remus didn’t say anything at first, and he could tell Sirius was nervous because he kept glancing at him and then turning away.
“But…” Remus spoke finally, “won’t she… won’t your parents, you know…” he trailed off, not wanting to say it and hoping Sirius would understand.
“Hurt me?” Sirius asked, and Remus almost winced. He nodded. “Not more than they would, normally. But, well, I think I’ll finally be disowned. A queer has no business being the mighty heir of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.” Sirius laughed then, but Remus could tell he was upset.
“Sirius…” Remus wanted to touch him, comfort him, but decided against it.
“I don’t know where I’ll go, you know? Haven’t any money.” Sirius’ voice was thick with emotion.
Remus shook his head. “Don’t be an idiot, you have James. Peter.” He didn’t say himself, because frankly, Remus would never want Sirius to meet his father.
“I’ve already been freeloading off of the Potters every break except summer for years. They’re probably sick of me.” Sirius finally let his tears escape, but wiped them quickly.
“Sirius, you know they love you like a son. James loves you like a brother. You’re their family, whether you’re thick enough to be blind to it or not.”
Sirius scoffed, shoving Remus’ shoulder gently. “Thank you.” He gave Remus a teary smile.
“We should get ready for the day.” Remus said, and Sirius nodded, getting off the bed.
Remus stood up on wobbly legs. He convinced himself that it was because of tiredness, and not the fact he had been so close to Sirius just moments before.
He entered the bathroom, brushing his teeth and skipping the bloody mess part because he didn’t want Sirius to accidentally walk in on him.
He took less time than he normally would, and went back out. Sirius occupied the bathroom just as Remus made his bed and picked up a book.
The sun was rising when Sirius re-emerged, his long black hair shiny and wet from the shower. Remus had to force himself to breathe again.
“Wanna go down to breakfast?” Sirius asked as he dried his hair. Remus nodded and swallowed his nerves.
There were only two other students in the Great Hall when Remus and Sirius sat at the Gryffindor table. A Ravenclaw girl with platinum blond hair that was so long, Remus wouldn’t doubt that she was sitting on it. And there was Frank Longbottom, frantically scribbling on an old piece of parchment.
“‘Lo, Frank.” Sirius greeted with a grin. Frank’s head snapped up at the pair, then back down to his writing.
“Hello, boys.” Frank said, not taking his eyes off the parchment. “What brings you here so early?”
“What are you writing?” Sirius asked instead of answering.
“Flitwick’s bloody essay. I was fucking pissed- um, tired last night. Didn’t get it done.” Frank replied, as his quill nearly flew across the page.
“Tired, eh?” Sirius snorted, and grabbed a pancake from the mounds of breakfast foods in front of him.
Remus hesitated. He didn’t like any of the food.
“Pancake?” Sirius offered, holding one out to Remus.
He tensed. “Uh, no thanks. I’ll have, uh…” Remus scanned the table for something small and reached out for an apple.
Sirius squinted at him, but his attention turned to lathering the pancake.
Remus devoured his apple, and took a sip from his cup of water.
“You sure that’s all?” Sirius asked as Remus pulled out his book, signifying the end of his meal. Remus shrugged and continued off where he had last stopped.
He hadn’t read in a while, too busy with school or too tired to do anything other than sleep.
“Remus, I beg of you. You need as much strength as you can muster to hold your friends’ leashes, please. You can’t dump their idiocy on me.” Frank commented.
Remus let out a laugh. “Sorry, Frank. You’re on your own today. I’ve just about had enough of them.”
Sirius pouted at the teasing, but then stuffed another bite of pancakes into his mouth.
“Sirius Orion Black and Remus John Lupin!” Remus and Sirius looked up to see James walking into the Hall, dramatically scowling. Remus thought he looked like a cat about to sneeze.
“How dare you! I woke up, and you two, my bestest friends in the world, were gone!” He flung himself onto two empty seats, and pretended to faint.
“Oh, here we go.” Frank muttered, shaking his head.
“What do you have to say for yourselves?” James pulled himself up, placing a hand on his heart.
“Uh, sorry?” Remus replied, smiling and shaking his head at his friend’s antics before returning to his book.
“Anyway,” Sirius said, ignoring James’ dramatic entry, “Remus, I need your Charms notes. I didn’t take any last time.”
“Hm?” Remus hummed absentmindedly as he tore his eyes away from his book. Sirius looked at him weirdly. Before he had a chance to repeat what he had said, Remus spoke. “What is it?” He furrowed his brows in confusion.
“What is what?” Sirius asked nonchalantly. Remus narrowed his eyes before conceding and shrugging his shoulders. “Charms notes, please.” Sirius said.
Not glancing at his bag, Remus took the neat folder of parchment and handed it to Sirius.
“Slughorn’s essay? This isn’t due ‘till next Thursday.” Sirius shook his head as he searched for the essay. He handed it back to Remus, after waving it in the latter’s face for a minute and realising he wasn’t going to grab his attention.
“Are those fucking 17 boiled eggs?!” Sirius exclaimed, sounding both horrified and deeply amused.
“Big game tomorrow. Gotta get my protein up.” James’ voice sounded in his ears, yet Remus couldn’t focus on the conversation.
A hand appeared from above him, grabbing his book and subsequently his attention. Remus looked up abruptly, glaring at whoever stole his book, before realising it was Lily and softening his features to a smile.
“Muggle book?” She asked excitedly and returned the book to him. Remus nodded and blushed when Lily’s naturally loud voice turned others’ attention to the pair.
“Oi, can I see?” James asked, eyes brightening the way they did when he was excited.
Remus shrugged and handed it to him. James glanced at the cover, then at the description. “Can I read this when you’re done?” He asked, smiling. Remus thought that he wanted to impress Lily for sure; he had never asked for any of Remus’ belongings and was never so polite.
He even got rid of most of his boiled eggs.
“You know how to read?” Remus gasped. James opened his mouth in mock-hurt and was about to speak when Sirius clamped a hand on his mouth.
James struggled against Sirius, who took Remus’ book from his hands and glanced at the cover and the back.
“Cool book. Can I borrow it over the summer to make mummy Black proud?” Sirius grinned. James bit Sirius’ hand and the latter let out a loud yelp. Frank looked up momentarily then returned to his assignment, ever the perfect prefect.
Peter joined them a bit later, blond hair a mess atop his head. He sat between Remus and Lily, who were reading avidly and pointedly ignoring James as he shovelled eggs down his throat respectively.
“Hi.” Peter huffed, out of breath.
“Morning.” Remus replied. As he contentedly read, vaguely aware of his friends’ daily breakfast shenanigans, he felt the brush of robes against his back and looked around to be faced with none other than Lucius Malfoy.
The seventh year boy with platinum blond hair and sharp blue eyes hated the Marauders. Sirius’ cousin, Narcissa Black soon-to-be Malfoy, had warned him about Sirius and his “dirty-blooded and blood-traitorous friends.”
“This filth is ruining my appetite, Lupin.” He deadpanned, taking the book from his hands and flipping through it idly. “Must be why you like it so much, hm?” He grinned maliciously and dropped the book back in his lap. Malfoy spared an apathetic glance at the book on Remus’ lap, then tutted. “Pettigrew’s thigh is five time the size of yours. I don’t know if he’s a gluttonous pig or if you’re just a starving mudblood.” He whispered in Remus’ ear.
Lucius Malfoy had learned about Remus’ “problem” when he witnessed the latter shoving his fingers down his throat in the third floor toilet his third year. Remus had been in a rush and hadn’t locked the door. The stalls on the third floor never stayed shut, and Remus had foolishly forgotten.
“Something wrong, Malfoy?” Sirius spoke up, clenching his fist tightly. James looked up at Malfoy, who merely scoffed.
“They don’t know, do they?” He smirked at Remus, before leaving the Gryffindor table and joining his girlfriend.
“Don’t know what?” Pater asked, scrunching his face up in confusion.
Remus shrugged, looking back at his book but feeling everyone’s eyes on him.
“I should solve my Arithmancy homework.” Remus muttered vaguely and stood up. After his vision returned to normal, he started walking hurriedly out of the Great Hall.
•••
Remus was proud of himself when he found out that his efforts were not in vain. He could feel lighter as he walked. Empty.
He had been avoiding his friends all week, worried they would ask him what Malfoy had meant or, even worse, try to convince him to prank Snape.
“We need revenge, Moony!” Sirius had explained, agitated and determined. “What he did to you was fucked up and he can’t go around smirking about it. I don’t see what the big deal is! You were always happy to prank him, I don’t see what changed. In fact, you have even more incentive to want him punished. Even more than any of us.”
“I said I don’t want to fucking do it. Just drop it.” Remus had sighed, tired and agitated, itching for something to make him feel sane.
“But Moony-“
“Just enough!” Remus had snapped. “I-I said just drop it. I don’t want to talk about this.” His voice had been shaking and his palms were sweating. He hadn’t been able to think, a chant of cut cut cut cut had clouded his mind.
Remus received his Transfiguration essay back. He got full marks.
James leaned over and plucked the parchment from Remus’ hand. Remus sighed and rolled his eyes.
“You aced it? Fuck you.” James muttered jokingly.
“You did, too. You always do.” Remus accused. James looked slightly sheepish when he showed him his parchment.
“You forgot the conclusion? You forgot to add a whole paragraph?” Remus nearly snorted, stopping himself when Professor McGonagall sent a glare at them.
“Don’t judge me.” James huffed, cheeks ablazed and only slightly turning his dark skin red.
“Oi, Sirius. What did you get then?” James whispered.
Sirius glanced up, smirking. He held up his essay and pointed at it.
James’ jaw dropped. “B-but… Pete?” James turned to Peter, who always struggled a bit more than the others with the practical work, but got decent marks on his essays.
Peter just shrugged and handed his essay to James. With furious brows James gave the essay back to Pete and pouted like a little toddler. He crossed his arms around his chest and sunk back into his seat.
McGonagall looked at him, slightly amused (years of practice had taught them how to read McGonagall’s emotions) before returning her attention to the classroom.
Remus quickly jotted down notes as McGonagall started her explanation. His handwriting was illegible as the ink splattered furiously on the page. He would rewrite his notes later, in the calm, warm light of the library.
Remus was one of the first to pack his things when class was over, one of the first outside the door, the first in the library.
He had thirty minutes to spare in between classes, and found the library a more peaceful approach than his rowdy common room.
But his peace was soon destroyed as Lily, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas stumbled into the library. He tried to hide behind a book but failed miserably. The girls approached him, smiling menacingly.
“I have a bone to pick with you.” Lily declared, shoving Remus’ books away from the unoccupied seats and plopping down around him.
Remus, confused and slightly irritated at being interrupted, said nothing.
“You’ve been avoiding the boys for over a week now. Spill.” Mary elaborated, sitting herself down after dragging one from an unused table.
“I haven’t been avoiding them.” Remus grumbled, not meeting any of their gazes.
“Bullshit.” Dorcas stated, raiser her brow as if daring him to lie again.
“I just- they’ve just been-“ Remus interrupted himself and groaned, covering his face with his hands.
“Tell us.” Mary whispered, leaning in closer as if desperate for gossip.
“They want me to help prank Snape. I don’t want to.” Remus admitted, looking at Lily nervously. Snape had been her friend since childhood and he didn’t think she’d react well if she found out they wanted to prank him. But Lily didn’t seem upset by this, in fact, she seemed completely unbothered.
“Why not?” Marlene spoke up.
“Um, well…” Remus didn’t know why exactly, he just didn’t think it would matter. He didn’t want his friends getting in trouble for him, or for him to mess up his academic record for a silly prank of revenge.
“You should do it.” Mary said, and Remus looked at Lily, who hadn’t said anything.
“I agree.” Dorcas said, grinning mischievously.
“But-“ Remus looked from Dorcas to Marlene to Mary and then Lily, trying to find any sliver of indication that this was a joke or a test of some sort. “I don’t want to. I get this enough from the others and I really don’t want to avoid you lot, too.” He pleaded tiredly.
“Fine, fine. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Just, think about it. If it were anyone else who Snape had attacked, would you refuse pranking him?” Marlene stared at Remus as if she knew all his secrets and his face flushed in anxiety.
At that, the girls left his table and Remus suddenly didn’t want to do any of his work.