Chapter 2
The full moon drained Remus and he woke up with a pounding headache. It was worse than he’s ever experienced. He feared he could never get up.
“Remus, get up! You’re almost late for classes!” Peter hissed, shaking Remus’ shoulder. Remus groaned, stifling a gag because he really doesn’t think being shaken helped with his nausea.
“Leave him be, Pete. It’s the full today. He can skip classes if he wants to.” Sirius said.
“Oh, shit. Sorry, mate. Completely forgot.” Peter apologized nervously.
“S’fine.” Remus grumbled, heaving himself up. There was no way he was going to miss classes.
“The fuck are you doing? Go back to sleep, you idiot.” Sirius chastised as Remus struggled to move his aching limbs.
“Not tired.” Remus lied, and he was sure Sirius could tell. However, call it him being in a good mood, but Sirius doesn’t point it out.
Remus occupied the bathroom for longer than he should’ve, because he heard the door close and knew his friends had left him. Not that he blamed them. He was going to be late.
Remus showed up a few minutes late to Slughorn’s Potions class, but the man is so thoroughly distracted by a conversation with a pureblood that he doesn’t notice the sickly werewolf join his friends quietly.
“Remus, you look like shit. You should’ve skipped class today. It smells properly foul here.” James whispered, a note of exasperation in his tone. Remus shrugged and opened his book, searching it for the potion they were required to brew. Slughorn had droned on about the Draught of Peace and its dangers, so that Remus was feeling anxious. Which is ironic, since the whole point of the potion is to calm anxiety.
“Fuck. Irreversible sleep? Is this fucking Sleeping Beauty?” Remus mumbled under his breath. Although he received confused glances from all three of his friends. He muttered something about “useless bloody purebloods” and began attempting his own potion.
As he mixed and added ingredients with utmost care and pedantry, Remus tried not to spill the contents of his stomach. His lab partner, Sirius - who had been separated from James a month prior after the commotion they had caused - scratched his head thoughtfully.
“It should be light silver, not fucking dark silver.” Remus said, running a hand through his hair in trepidation. “Oh, god.” He whispered under his breath.
“Calm down, will you?” Sirius frowned at a pale Remus, whose skin is nearly the colour of his silver scars.
Remus shook his head, turning back to his book and furiously flipping the pages until he found the source of where they went wrong. “Sirius…” he looks up slowly, cautiously, “ did you stir clockwise or counterclockwise when I added the powdered moonstone?“ His voice shook nervously, and he eyed Sirius in suspicion.
Sirius’ eyes widened comically as he took the book from Remus’ hand and gasped dramatically. “Oh, Chizpurfle fucking a Crup! I fucking-“ Sirius shouted, drawing attention to himself.
“Mr. Black! You are in a classroom!” Professor Slughorn glared at the pair, and Remus felt his face grow impossibly hot.
“10 points from Gryffindor and a detention this Saturday. Shame on you, Black. Such a fine young man from a respectable family, and yet such foul language.”
Remus reacted instinctively when he grabbed Sirius’ arm to stop him from lurching at the laughing Ravenclaws. He could feel his rage, and promptly ignored his own urge to either hug and comfort Sirius or punch Slughorn and the few laughing classmates himself. Remus blamed both urges on the wolf.
“Sirius,” he whispered instead, “don’t give him a reaction. It’s what he wants. Don’t give him that.” Remus’ voice is soft, grounding, but never condescending or patronising. He’s calm and rational. Sirius relaxed into his touch and turned around to face the cauldron. Remus knew he was trying not to cry like he always did at the mention of his cruel family, and so he pretended that he didn’t notice.
“Thank you.” Sirius said, barely above a whisper. Remus gives him a smile, returning to the book and trying to find a solution to their problem.
•••
Remus ached all over and leaned against the wall as he waited for James and Peter to emerge from the classroom. Sirius waited beside him, eyes scanning his skinny frame and drawing his eyebrows into a worried frown.
“You really ought to rest.” Sirius spoke quietly, as if scared Remus might lash out. Remus would’ve if he wasn’t so tired.
“No, this year is important.” He said instead, stubbornly, as though he didn’t need the support of the wall to stand up.
“I’ll kill him.” James declared as soon as he stepped out of the classroom and was met with his friends. “Say the word and I’ll dismember that fucking asshole. Tear him limb from limb-“
“Shut up, idiot.” Sirius rolled his eyes, but he was grinning brightly.
Remus winced slightly at the graphic depiction, remembering his lycanthropy and how the image would’ve pleased his wolf.
“Come on, we have Transfiguration next. Oi, Lupin, you don’t reckon I can copy the essay off you quickly? I’ll change it a bit-“
“Not a chance, mate.” Remus interjected. Disappointed, Peter wailed all the way to their classroom about how he’s going to be the one dismembered by Professor McGonagall.
“Mr. Lupin.” Greeted the aforementioned professor sharply. “A word.” She led the terrified werewolf outside the classroom. Her words were stern when she told him about their agreement. Remus reminded her that it wasn’t an agreement because he never agreed to it.
“Missing out on class should be the least of your worries.” She insisted, though Remus shook his head stubbornly.
“I’ll be fine, Professor. Really.” He pleaded with his eyes and she caved, leading him back to class as his friends wiggled their eyebrows at him from their usual seats. Remus glared at them, but the smirk plastered on his face diminished the act.
•••
Classes dragged on, and Remus wished he had taken his offered rest as he went back to his dorm instead of going to dinner with his friends.
Remus met with Madam Pomfrey at the Hospital Wing, and soon he was back at the Shrieking Shack for his near-monthly stay.
The wolf made his appearance and Remus lost control again. He was always glad to lose himself, yet the lack of control over his own body was maddening.
He scratched himself and howled in pain.
Remus finally relented and felt his control dissipate until it didn’t exist.
•••
Waking up, Remus could tell immediately that this one was bad. The pain had woken him up and he tried not to scream. His friends were nowhere to be seen, and Remus felt so irrationally scared.
Soon, Madam Pomfrey appeared, fretting over how bad his injuries were, how skinny Remus had gotten and how much more he should be eating. She gave him a potion and Remus slept.
A while later, he awoke. He felt eyes on his face and he shifted uncomfortably.
Groaning, he opened his eyes. Immediately, he was bombarded with questions.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh, God. Remus, you scared us. Can I get you anything?”
“This one was really bad, right?”
Remus groaned again, shutting his eyes from the pain.
Madam Pomfrey shushed them and tried to kick them out, yet the Marauders refused to leave his side.
“Right, well, Remus dear. I brought you breakfast. Now, don’t give me that look, I know you don’t feel like eating. But frankly, you’ve lost so much weight recently that I’m a bit worried you haven’t been taking care of yourself. With your already speedy metabolism, you need some sustenance for your condition.
As for, well, you know, I’ve healed them to the best of my abilities. I should hope that the next time I warn you against it, you listen, hm? Now, eat up. Drink lots of water, too. Don’t forget. Don’t overexert yourself for the next week at least. This should help you with the pain. I advise you to stay here and not attend any classes while you recover, okay, dear?”
Remus’ mind was reeling at the overload of information. And he felt his stomach fill up with dread at the thought of his friends hearing what she had to say about his eating habits and not-so-subtle attempt at mentioning his “control scars” as he called them.
Now surely his friends would be suspicious of him. He glanced briefly at them, and saw them sporting the same confused and concerned frown.
Remus blushed profusely and accepted the breakfast Madam Pomfrey gave him if only to ease her worry.
He swallowed his eggs thickly, squirming slightly at the four pairs of eyes set on his face, trying to gauge his reaction.
Remus ate and tried not to puke on himself. Although he could hardly finish half of his breakfast, he hoped they would assume it was because of the waning full moon and not Remus’ own inability to view food like a normal person.
Remus fell asleep shortly afterwards and he could faintly hear his friends’ hushed voices as he drifted off to sleep.
“He hasn’t been eating well, has he?”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“What was that all about anyway?”
“Fuck if I know.”
“…”
“…”
“…”
“… is he… do you think he’s going to be okay?”
“Yeah, of course. He’s our Moony.”
“Undominable, that one is.”
“That he is… right?”
“Yeah…”
“We should- we should leave. So we don’t wake him.”
“Come on, boys!”
“Shh!”
“Shh, James!”
“Sorry!”
•••
The following week was filled with fussy friends and an exasperated Remus who tried not to snap at his obnoxious friends.
They were just trying to help. Remus knew that, yet he felt agitated all the same.
“I’m not a child, James, you don’t have to fucking spoon feed me.” He grunted as he dodged James’ attempts to feed “his poor Moony.” He pouted, and Remus could feel his anger disintegrating like dust.
Remus rested his head against the palm of his hand as he pushed his food around with his fork. He was not hungry, and he did not want to eat. Yet the encounter with Madam Pomfrey made it impossible for any of his friends to let him out of their sight at mealtimes.
Remus was resorting to purging more than he ever had, and was worried his fingers and throat were going to suffer permanent damage at the rate he was going.
Remus felt a pair of eyes on him and looked up, instantly regretting it. Sirius’ gaze was intense, and Remus swallowed nervously.
He had finally accepted his attraction to his best friend his third year, when he had gotten his first erection at the sight of his friend’s ass in the overly-tight Muggle jeans he had stolen from one of the girls.
Remus looked back at his food and forced it down his throat, knowing that his friends would be concerned if he didn’t.
Remus excused himself afterwards, quickly feeling bile in his throat as he dropped to his knees in the nearest toilet, retching in the public bathrooms.
Remus cleaned everything up quickly and washed his hands, feeling dread rise up in his stomach as the door opened and Severus Snape stepped out.
He ignored him, drying his hands on some tissues. Remus tried making a quick exit that was swiftly blocked by Snape, who was now disgustingly close to Remus.
Remus stepped back, nearly tripping over his own two feet.
“What do we have here? A filthy mudblood. What? No friends to defend your honour here?” His hot breath fanned in Remus’ face.
“I don’t have time for this, Snape. Move out of my way, please.” Remus tried.
“Uh-uh-uh. Not so fast, mudblood. I want to have my fun with you.”
Remus sighed and tried to move past once more, when Snape stepped forward, grabbing Remus’ robes so forcefully that Remus nearly toppled over.
“You’re getting weaker, Lupin.” Snape smirked smugly. Usually, when Remus was at his full strength, Severus didn’t stand a chance against him. But Remus was slowly destroying himself, and his energy was being slowly destroyed as well.
“Just bloody leave me alone, will you?” Remus shoved Snape roughly and adjusted his robes. He huffed in frustration and tried to move past once more before Snape pinned him to the door, his wand between the werewolf’s eyes.
“Get your filthy paws off me, mudblood.” He growled, the familiar crease between his eyebrows is back in full force. Within a second, Snape’s wand was pointed at Remus’ stomach, and a curse was flying out of it before Remus could register what was happening.
Remus groaned loudly in pain and Snape laughed cruelly. “See you around, Lupin.” Not bothering to step over him, Severus stepped onto Remus’ thigh as he moved past him and outside the bathroom. Remus winced as he felt the deep cuts reopen and felt sick again.
He pushed himself up but staggered against the wall, lacerations bleeding into his shirt and robes. Remus groaned, feeling dizzy. He opened the door, stumbling out into the castle, feeling wide eyes on him. He must’ve looked insane, stumbling about, bleeding, limping.
“Remus?” The voice was concerned as Remus looked up to find Marlene pinning him with a look of horror.
“What the fuck happened to you, Remus?” Marlene rushed to steady him and Remus nearly passed out in her arms.
“Marls…” he mumbled, the blood loss slowing his mind and everything around him.
“Shit, shit, shit!” Marlene nearly yelled. She half-dragged Remus to the stairwell. She stopped when Remus seemed about ready to drop dead on his feet. He sat on the stairs, hugging his knees and nestling his head between them.
“Stay right there.” Marlene rushed out before disappearing into the Great Hall. Remus groaned, trying to stop his head from spinning but he couldn’t do anything.
“Remus?!” The voice was vaguely familiar. Remus could hear the shuffling of shoes, worried murmurs and he really did try not to pass out. But when he raised his head, and was met with the startling grey eyes of his best friend and crush of nearly three years, Remus’ vision blacked out.