The Closed Ward Escapee
February 14th, 11:59
Snape’s POV:
Severus staggered back towards the Great Hall. Reaching the staff entrance, he cautiously opened it enough to take a peek. He was hoping there wouldn’t be any owls gathered around his seat - or in the Hall at all. Thankfully, apart from one owl beside a third year Ravenclaw and another beside a sixth year Gryffindor, there weren’t any owls.
Releasing a sigh of relief, he opened the door fully and shuffled towards his seat, taking the opportunity to listen in on some of the conversations.
“What was Albus thinking, letting him back into Hogwarts?” wondered Rolanda. His eyebrows rose. They weren’t talking about him. Were they?
“He never taught the students anything,” squeaked Filius. Severus’s eyebrow rose. Since he had started teaching Potions, the student’s grades had improved by two scales, and the number of explosions had more than halved. How was that not “teaching the students anything”?
“He always wore ‘orrible clothes. Couldn’ he jus’ wear what everyone else wears? Why does he ‘ave ter be so unusual?” commented Hagrid. His other eyebrow rose. Now Hagrid was commenting on his clothes? Severus ran his eyes over Hagrid’s attire with a sneer. Maybe he should improve his outfit before he comments on mine, he thought. He wore black robes because it was easier to hide the blood from Death Eater meetings when The Dark Lord had decided to… “remind him” that he didn’t tolerate failure. The habit had stuck with him, even after The Da- Voldemort’s death.
“He caused more students to become injured than anyone else who taught that subject,” griped Poppy. “He was supposed to help me. Instead, he made my workload bigger”. This was too much for Severus. He had DECREASED the number of explosions per year, and as for him making Poppy’s “workload bigger”, had she been the victim of a Confundus Charm? He single-handedly brewed all the Potions used in the Hospital Wing, and he failed to see how that wasn’t helpful.
He stomped towards his seat, fuming at the cheek of his fellow Professors. The way they talked about him, someone who didn’t know him could be forgiven for thinking he was an incompetent, narcissistic, lazy idiot. The worst part was they didn’t even have the decency to look apologetic when they realised he’d overheard them: they nodded at him and continued insulting him. He sat down beside Minerva, who turned towards him.
“Have you heard-”
“Have I heard that my colleagues seem to think that Valentine’s Day has changed to “Insult Severus” Day? Yes, I have,” he snarled at her. Minerva looked confused.
“What? That can’t be true. What did they say that makes you think that?”
“I heard them! Rolanda wonders why I was let back into Hogwarts; Filius believes I never taught the students anything; Hagrid thinks I have a bad sense of fashion, and Poppy says that I increase, rather than decrease, her workload,” Severus summarised, secretly hurt by their comments.
After everything he had done (spying on Voldemort, suffering through his torture sessions, dealing with idiotic students), he hadn’t been expecting awards. But was it really too much to ask that, if his colleagues had an issue with him, they say it to his face rather than behind his back?
Minerva, to his surprise and hurt, burst out laughing.
“Severus. You don’t understand what’s happening”.
Oh, I understand perfectly,” he hissed, his lips barely moving. “You’re defending them!”
“No, I’m not! Severus, listen-”
“No, Minerva, you listen!” he snarled. “I know I’m not the most popular person in Hogwarts. I expect that. Merlin, I make sure of it. What I don't expect is my colleagues to hate me enough to insult me. I expect that from the students, but not from the professors, who are supposed to be more mature than that. If they hate me, they should have the decency to tell me to my face. As for you, I thought I knew you better. It turns out that you’re just as bad as they are. Well, if they all hate me that much, I’ll -”
“May I have your attention, please,” declared Albus, standing up and addressing the Hall. Severus sneered at Minerva and turned to face the Headmaster, ignoring the stricken look on her face. “I have an announcement to make. The 8th years have asked my permission to have a special guest come into Hogwarts today, due to the romantic occasion”.
Severus snorted. The romantic occasion, my -
“As I have agreed to their request, let me introduce him,” continued Dumbledore. Severus heard the staff door open behind him, and murmurs instantly broke out among the students. He saw that the female students looked ecstatic, while the male students all wore identical expressions of disgust. Across the High Table, he heard all the Professors groan.
“Not that idiot again,” he heard someone to his left mutter. His eyebrow rose. This should be interesting.
“Will you please join me in welcoming back…” Albus said, waving a hand towards the person. Severus involuntarily looked at the noteworthy guest.
Merlin’s beard.
"Minerva, I may have been a bit too hasty in assuming they were insulting me and in assuming you were laughing at me. I… regret it," Severus mumbled through his shock.
“Accepted,” uttered Minerva, a look of disgust on her face as they gazed at the guest.
Severus almost wished his colleagues had been insulting him.
Susan’s POV:
(The previous evening):
Susan stepped off the spiral staircase and knocked on the door.
“Enter”.
She opened the door and walked in, shutting the door behind her. Remembering Harry’s instructions, she kept her gaze on the floor and stood by the chair.
“Sit down, Ms Bones. Lemon drop?”
“No thanks, Headmaster,” she responded. She mentally ran through what she meant to say.
“May I ask why you wanted to see me so late in the evening?” inquired the Headmaster.
“We - the 8th years, I mean - wanted to invite someone in to talk about romance and beauty spells tomorrow. Since Hogwarts rarely gets people in to talk about something for a day, and since tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, we thought it would be a nice treat for everyone,” explained Susan, giving a small sigh of relief to have gotten it all out.
There was a pause. Susan fidgeted, wishing the Headmaster would get it over with and allow or deny her request. She glanced up at him, finding him gazing intently at her. In a split second, before she looked down again, she felt a light push in her head. She panicked. He knows, she thought.
She went to stand up and apologise for wasting his time when he chuckled.
“What time have you asked the… guest to arrive at?” he queried. She didn’t like the noticeable pause before he said “guest”.
“We haven’t. We thought we would ask your permission before we arranged a time”.
“Hmmm. You have an idea of who you want your guest to be?”
“Errr... Yes, we know who we want to invite”.
There was another pause.
“You have my permission to invite your guest,” the Headmaster finally spoke. Susan jumped up in shock.
“Real- I mean, thank you! I’ll go tell the rest of my roommates,” she babbled, turning towards the door, but was stopped by the Headmaster.
“How do you intend to get the Potion?”
“What?” she managed to get out, horrified. He saw everything!
“I asked, how do you intend to get the Potion? If my memory serves me correctly, it takes a month to brew, and Valentines is tomorrow,” stated the Headmaster.
“Weasley… twins,” Susan managed to say.
“Ah,” uttered the Headmaster. “Well, then. Have fun tomorrow.” He waved his hand towards the door.
As she was closing the door, she heard the Headmaster chuckle.
“I know I will.”
Parvati’s POV:
(Early on Valentine’s morning):
Parvati stood in front of a red-bricked store called Purge and Dowse, Ltd holding a bouquet of roses. There were old mannequins in the shop window, and she heard a passer-by mention to his friend that “that store hasn’t been open in years”. Although she was an avid shopaholic, Parvati hadn’t come for a shopping trip. She turned towards a mannequin modelling a green nylon pinafore dress, with false eyelashes falling off.
“Hi. I’m here to speak to Healer Hippocrates Smethwyck? I have an appointment”.
After a few seconds, the dummy stepped to the side, allowing her to climb up through the window. When she entered and dusted herself off, she was in the reception room. Knowing that she didn’t have an appointment with a Healer and wanting to get out as soon as possible, she looked at the piece of parchment Harry gave her. She followed the directions on the parchment until she ended up in front of a set of double doors.
Looking inside and not seeing any Healers, she quickly snuck inside and walked across the ward, counting the beds. When she got to the bed she wanted, Parvati was delighted to see that not only was the occupant not there but there were several blond hairs on the pillow. She quickly gathered the strands into a bag and left the roses at the foot of the bed. Walking swiftly out of the ward, she hurried down the stairs, passing a patient with an extra foot being guided by a Healer.
When she got back down to the reception area, she paused for a few seconds, trying to hear if anyone had sent up an alarm. Not hearing anything unusual, she walked out through the shop window and Disapparated back to Hogsmeade. Walking back towards Hogwarts, she laughed. She was looking forward to seeing how the plan worked out.
Severus’s POV:
(Present time):
“Gilderoy Lockhart,” finished Albus, gesturing.
There was a round of excited applause from the female students, polite applause from his colleagues and groans from the male students. Severus joined in the polite applause his colleagues gave him, although he could see that all of them were not happy about it.
As Albus sat down, Severus turned.
“Why have you allowed that fraud back into Hogwarts?” he asked, noticing that the other Professors were also listening in on the conversation.
“I haven’t,” replied Albus with a twinkle in his eye. He blinked.
“You just said you agreed to the 8th year’s request to allow a guest speaker in,” interjected Minerva. “Since the guest is him-” she gestured towards Lockhart, who was waving at the students and waving his wand towards Severus, “you have given permission for Gilderoy to return”.
“Except I haven’t, Minerva,” repeated Albus.
“Everything isn’t always what it appears to be,” interrupted Sybill. Minerva snorted, Severus groaned, but Albus turned to look at her. He noticed with interest that the twinkle was gone from Albus’s eye.
“Quite true, Sybill,” Albus stated. He turned to the others.
“Let us pay attention to the - no doubt - fascinating topics our esteemed guest will be talking about”.
Turning to face Lockhart, who was just clearing his throat, Severus prepared himself to fight the urge to sleep that would be brought on by a mixture of the alcohol he’d drunk and the man’s inane drivel.
“Thank you, everyone, for your wonderful greeting,” started Lockhart, flashing a fatuous smile.
“I decided that the topic of my talk should be on appearance. Or rather, how to improve it. First, I’ll talk about hair. Anyone who has read my full collection of published works-”
“Is an idiot,” muttered Severus. Lockhart ignored him. A few students snorted.
“- knows one of my secret ambitions is to market my own hair care potions. Sadly,-”
“More like, happily,” murmured Severus. Lockhart paused for a second, then continued. Some of the students sniggered.
“- that hasn’t happened yet. However, I personally recommend Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion. I’ve used it so much that I reckon I’m their most prolific customer,” finished Lockhart, chortling.
“He does realise he just admitted that his hair isn’t naturally wavy and that without a potion, his hair would probably be a mess?” Severus commented. Minerva snorted, and Lockhart glared at him for a few seconds. A few students were peering intently at Lockhart’s hair before breaking out into giggles.
“Next, I’ll talk about teeth,” stated Lockhart, evidently deciding to ignore him. “I didn’t win Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award five times by neglecting to clean my teeth after every meal,” Lockhart continued with a small laugh. Severus was pleased to notice that not all the students were stupid enough to actually pay attention to his inane chatter.
“Casting Scourgify on your teeth gets rid of any remaining food, and a Breath Freshening charm gets rid of any lingering smell of your last meal. Also, watch what you eat. Too many Cauldron Cakes can damage your teeth past the help of any charms. Although, there are a few Potions that can fix the problem. If you require any, come find me after the talk, and I’ll whip one together in a few minutes for you”.
Severus snorted and turned to Minerva.
“Firstly, there aren’t any Potions that can fix rotting teeth. The only current cure is the Muggle cure: yank them out. Secondly, if Lockhart manages to invent a potion that actually works, I’ll drink my entire stock of poisons in one go,” he sneered. Minerva, who had been drinking Pumpkin Juice, snorted and began to cough through her laughter. He cast Anapneo on her, and she didn’t manage to fully cover her laughter.
He smirked slightly at her reaction but was somewhat confused why the Slytherins and some other students laughed. They weren’t close enough to have heard his comment. Or at least, in his slightly inebriated state, he didn’t think they were. Maybe he had spoken louder than he intended.
“However, I wouldn’t advise asking your Potions Master to make one for you. One look at his teeth and you can tell he hasn’t managed to get the formula right,” interjected Lockhart loudly, causing the students to laugh in surprise. One quick glare was enough to shut them up, but when he turned it on Lockhart, he only strode up and pulled him from his seat.
“As your Potions Professor has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration, I shall use my knowledge of appearance-based spells and potions to give him a makeover. Although you may not recognise him, you’ll still have your Potions Master when I’m through with him,” announced Lockhart. Severus was experiencing déjà vu, but he couldn’t think from where. He was pretty sure no one had ever given him a makeover before.
“Now, let’s start with his hair, which is in dire need of a good scrub. Just look at how greasy it is,” observed Lockhart, grabbing a handful of his hair. He was fuming. I wonder what his hair would look like if he spent all day over a cauldron, he thought snidely. He knew that Albus wouldn’t be too happy if he hexed the vain fool, but he amused himself considering what he would do to Lockhart if he met him somewhere in Knockturn Alley. The sound of the students laughing only inflamed his anger. At least the other Professors aren’t laughing, he mused.
If they started laughing, all bets were off.
“A quick and easy charm I invented will sort this out,” continued Lockhart, brandishing his wand. Before he could voice his objection, Lockhart had already cast the charm. Due to how Lockhart held his hair, he couldn’t see the effect but judging by the students’ reactions, it wasn’t great.
“Ah, yes, that does sometimes happen. Tell me, have you been around Flobberworm Mucus recently?” queried The Fool. Severus glared.
“It is a common Potions ingredient, used in the Wiggenweld Potion, Cure for Boils and Sleeping Draught. What do you think?” he hissed. The Fool shrugged.
“Emm… yes, well. The effects will wear off after 96 hours, so at least you won’t be stuck looking like-”
“Like what!?” he snarled.
“... that. Look on the bright side: at least your hair isn’t greasy anymore,” quipped The Fool half-heartedly. He snarled at The Fool, who quickly looked away.
“Anyway, moving on. Look at his teeth,” noted The Idiot, prising open Severus’s jaw and pointing at his teeth. “Plaque everywhere, and… phewww, haven’t you ever heard of a Breath Freshening charm?” He crossed his arms but The Idiot, thinking he was about to get punched (that mightn’t actually be a bad idea, he thought), stood back with a nervous laugh.
“Haha. Em… yes, well. Don’t worry; this is an easy fix. Thankfully, you haven’t allowed your teeth to deteriorate to the extent that they’re rotting. Once I’ve performed this charm, your teeth will be pearly white. You may even find yourself competing with me for the Most Charming Smile Award,” uttered The Idiot, taking his wand out and pointing it at his mouth.
“Nawhhh hwaiii huuu waaa,” he tried to say to The Idiot, but since his mouth was being held open, no one could understand what he was trying to say.
There was a sharp crack, similar to the sound of someone Apparating, and the taste of a sweet filled his mouth. He frowned, wondering if The Idiot’s plan was to rot his teeth further.
“... At least I won’t have to worry about your Potions Master competing,” noted The Idiot, obviously trying to make himself look better.
Severus conjured a mirror and glanced at his reflection, wondering what The Idiot had done to him. His eyebrows rose, and his fury rose with them.
The reason he hadn’t been able to see what The Idiot had done to his hair wasn’t due to it being held up out of his view.
It was because his hair had been drastically altered.
His hair, once straight, shoulder-length and black, was probably long enough to reach halfway down his back. He wasn’t sure because his hair was standing up on his head like he’d stuck his finger in a Muggle electric socket. It was also purple.
As for his teeth, the flavour that reminded him of a sweet wasn’t accidental. His teeth had been replaced with… wine gums. He turned to The Moron as the majority of the students burst out laughing. Some of his colleagues even tittered, which inflamed his anger to the extent that The Moron was lucky to still be breathing.
“YOU IMBECILE! LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!!” he shrieked. The Moron tried to justify himself.
“Well, it is an improvement. Even you have to admit that-”
“HOW IS MAKING ME LOOK LIKE THE FAILED FIRST ATTEMPT OF A TRAINEE BARBER AN IMPROVEMENT!?” he roared.
Non-verbally switching back to having teeth instead of wine gums in his mouth, he tried to get rid of the purple monstrosity that was The Cretin’s attempt at improving his hair. When his attempts failed, he turned back to The Moron.
“What’s the counter-charm?” Severus inquired, trying to resist the temptation to turn him into a tadpole.
“Haven't gotten around to that yet, I’m afraid,” responded The Cretin. His anger exploded.
“YOU HAVEN’T-”
“Calm down,” interrupted The Cretin, “you’re overreacting. I already said the effects will wear off in 96 hours. Honestly, you’ll give yourself a coronary, old man”. He lost it.
“FIRST OF ALL, I’M ONLY FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN YOU!!! SECONDLY,” he screeched. He was so furious that his magic was coming out of him in waves. “I, SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE, CHALLENGE YOU, TO A DUEL, THE PRIZE BEING THE LOSER CAN’T CAST ANY CHARMS ON THE WINNER, UNLESS EXPRESSLY GIVEN PERMISSION TO DO SO, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE”. There was a pause.
“Well, if that’s what you wish,” said The Cretin, a flash of satisfaction crossing his face.
“Yes. It. Is.” he bit out.
“Right,” said Albus, standing up. “The duel is open for anyone to watch. Anyone who doesn’t wish to watch can spend the duration in their Common Room. The duel will begin at… shall we say 2?”
“Fine with me”.
“Yes”.
“Ok then. Come back here before 2; otherwise, the other duelist will win by default. May the best duelist win,” finished Albus. Severus turned and strode out of the Hall, his Slytherins and most of the male students following.
He was going to enjoy this.
Lavender’s POV:
Lavender hadn’t had this much fun in ages.
First, she managed to annoy most of the Professors just by walking in through the Staff Door. She had been worried when she heard Professor Trelawney’s prediction, but thankfully no one apart from the Headmaster took her seriously.
Susan had told them about her suspicion that the Headmaster had used Legilimency on her and discovered their plan. They had debated, but in the end, Harry saying that the Headmaster had a sense of humour and wouldn’t mind, swung the vote in favour of continuing with the plan.
Now, standing in front of the Professors, facing the other students, Lavender was going to enjoy the opportunity. While she was “waving” at the other students, she cast a Sonorous charm, which amplified Snape’s voice, but he wouldn’t notice any difference. He might be curious why the students laughed after he made a comment, but he would probably think he was talking louder than he intended.
As expected, when Lavender was giving out “tips”, Snape was giving out his opinion. She waited until his comment about “Lockhart’s” uselessness at Potions brewing before she made him “volunteer” for a makeover. She noticed he was becoming a bit suspicious about the students sniggering after his comments. She decided now was the best time to take his mind off of it.
As she had assumed, he wasn’t the most enthusiastic person she’d ever performed a makeover on. Snape looked a bit confused when she repeated a few things “Lockhart” had previously said, but six years was obviously enough time for him to forget the circumstances that he’d once heard the sentences.
As “Lockhart” made a fool of himself, and Snape’s appearance went from bad to ridiculous, his anger became more apparent. She was surprised he hadn’t turned “Lockhart” into a bug or an insect, but she was enjoying the experience nonetheless. Turning his hair purple amused her, and Lavender was more amused that Snape couldn’t yet see what “Lockhart” had done to him. However, he probably guessed it wasn’t great due to the other students bursting out laughing. He wasn’t especially pleased to hear that his hair wouldn’t be back to normal for 96 hours.
For his teeth, she had decided to try out an idea she’d overheard Harry and Hermione mention when Harry was preparing for the First Trial of the Triwizard Tournament. As luck would have it, desserts had just appeared on the House Tables, and she saw someone in Ravenclaw reach for some wine gums.
Pretending to be nervous when Snape crossed his arms, she stepped back but continued to hold his jaws open. She ignored his attempt to protest (easily done since all that came out was a series of unintelligible noises), quickly casting the Switching Spell on Snape’s teeth and the wine gums. When it worked, she released his jaws and waited for the inevitable explosion of his temper when Snape saw what “Lockhart” had done to him.
Snape didn’t disappoint. His face turning red with fury (which clashed with his purple hair), he screamed at “Lockhart” about what an idiot he was. Lavender privately agreed with Snape, but since she was “Lockhart”, she defended “himself” by commenting that it was actually an improvement, which didn’t go down very well. Upon learning that there wasn’t a counter-charm to turn his hair back to normal (there was. Lavender just wanted to see Snape walking around with purple hair for four days), Snape almost went ballistic.
Lavender told Snape to “calm down” and called him an “old man” in a flash of inspiration. For a second, as he challenged “Lockhart'' to a duel, she thought that despite him only being four years older than “Lockhart” (as the whole school now knew), he might actually have a coronary.
Thankfully, he didn’t, and the Headmaster stepped in to lay down some details for the upcoming Duel. The Headmaster let them off to prepare, and Snape stormed out of the Hall, followed by the Slytherins and most of the older students. Lavender was amused by how many people found “Lockhart” annoying. She tilted “Lockhart’s” head as Blaise walked by, who grinned at her.
She was going to enjoy this.
Next: Severus is looking forward to his rematch fight with Lockhart. He was going to wipe the floor with the incompetent buffoon and make him wish - huh. Well, that was unexpected. Turns out that a few years spent in St. Mungo’s could be good for you (Remember, he doesn’t know that Lockhart is still in St. Mungo’s)