Safe
…lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman…
Draco read the verse over, sitting on the floor of his bedroom, against the door, one hand holding the bible, and the other feeling at the wood of his wand.
In fact, that was the majority of what he’d been doing since he locked himself back into his room. He hadn’t even changed out of his Sunday attire. Every time that he thought of anything remotely romantic, or even close, about Harry, he would berate himself and read the verse over again. And again, and again…
He was having dreadful thoughts about his safety at the moment, too. Reminded of Astoria’s body, and of his own kidnapping and torture, and…
Draco continued strokingthe wood of his wand, pressing his fingers down more firmly, detailing every miniscule feature of the wood with his fingertips .
Harry could be dead, and you could be next, and you never even kissed him again-
-both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them-
- touch your wand. Feel it. More. Feel the grooves, the wood, the polish, the wear. Feel it. Feel it or you will kill Harry. Touch it or you will die-
Draco supposed he was busy enough, even as he was locked up, alone, in his room, barely even sleeping. He wondered if he was going to crease his loaned bible with how chronically he remained on this one page.
Harry knocked on his door at least twice over the past several hours, and Draco never responded so much as a word. Draco knew that now it was night . Throughout the day,he could hear Harry moving around the flat, in the kitchen, the living room, the dining table, the bathroom. He wondered if Harry would fight him or hug him when he came out-
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon them.”
Put your hand on the window unless you want to watch Harry die because of you.
Draco’s heart jumped to his throat, beating rapidly. He stood abruptly, his back creaking from the change in position after so long. He approached his window and splayed his hands against the cold glass, pressing down.
Check if it’s locked, or You and Harry will both die a bloody, slow, painful death. And so he did. Do it again. You cannot be sure. And so, he did. And flashes of images of God’s Wrath hovering over him, and of Harry lying dead on the floor would flit through his mind, and so he would check the window again, and again- one hand pressing on the glass and one checking the lock- and again.
A knock sounded at the door.
“...Draco? You’ve not eaten since the morning… I’ve left you some food here. I…” He heard a soft thunk.
“Please let me know that you’re okay… I’m very worried… And you know that I leave again tomorrow because of Teddy and I just- Please…”
Draco stared at the bedroom door, hands still on the cold glass of the window. He checked the window lock again. Anything he considered saying died at the base of his throat. He checked the window lock again. He listened as Harry knocked again, more softly each time. He checked the window lock again. He listened as Harry walked away, and listened as Harry’s footsteps neared the bedroom door again, though he did not try to speak to Draco. At least, not immediately.
“You need to at least eat, Draco.”
What if God’s Wrath is on its way to you, right this very instant? What if you never see Harry again? You need to keep yourselves safe. Check the bedroom lock.
-an abomination-
Draco padded across the room, lifting the bible from where it had been left on the floor. He read.
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.."
You are going to die. Harry is going to die. You are not safe. You are not good. You need to make yourself safe. Stop thinking things that could get you both killed!
Draco’s heart was hammering away at his chest relentlessly. Committed an abomination. He checked the lock. He knew that Harry was listening on the other side. He didn’t want Harry to listen, but he needed to check the lock, again, and again, and again, and again, and-
“Draco?”
Check the lock again. You are not safe unless you check again. Again. Again.
Draco startled as the door was abruptly yanked open. He froze.
You are going to die. You are not safe. You need to lock the doors. You are going to die. Lock the doors. You are going to die. You are going to die. Lock the doors. Lock the doors or die-
“...Draco?”
Harry was regarding Draco with an expression he could not compute at the moment. His brain was screaming at him with fury. You are going to die. You need to check the locks. You need to check the locks. You are going to die. His heart was spasming beyond the point of recognition, and he was frozen to his spot. His arm was still minorly outstretched from its position on his bedroom lock. He felt lightheaded. You must close the door and begin to check the locks again. You are not safe. Nobody is safe anymore-
“Wh— Why did you open the door?” Draco managed, his voice nearly a wheeze as the words tumbled out. “You-you… the door. I need to check the doors we aren’t safe andyouopenedthedoorwhy-”
“Hey, woah, it’s okay-”
“No, it isn’t! Don’t you know that God’s Wrath is after me?! And you opened the fucking door while I was checking the locks!” Draco was vibrating, , his breath rapid and shallow, vision unfocused.
You are not safe. You are going to die. You need to check the locks again.
“Draco,” Harry took the few steps needed to be directly in front of Draco. Draco tried to get himself to focus- you are not safe. You need to recheck the locks- it was very difficult.
Harry put his hands on either side of Draco’s face, swinging his head over to Harry’s. Harry was looking directly into his eyes. “You are safe. The flat has wards, the front door is locked, I’m here. It’s okay… Nothing is going to happen to you.”
Harry’s hands were cold against Draco’s face. He blinked.
Draco’s entire world went blank save for Harry’s piercing green gaze. Draco could hear Harry’s voice speaking somehow far away and filling his skull in the same instant, their meaning delayed for a moment before crashing into him all at once.“My job is to keep you safe… I want to keep you safe. You are safe with me… I will keep you safe.”
Draco heaved out a breath like he’d been punched in the gut. His face and body heated up instantly as tears sprang to his eyes. He wrenched them shut, folding into Harry. One of Harry’s hands moved to hold the back of Draco’s head. The other wrapped around his shoulders.
Draco cried harder than he had in… he couldn’t even remember. His brain was flooded with emotions; thoughts bursting through the surface like stones thrown into a storm caught sea He was eternally grateful for Harry’s presence at the moment, and his brain tried to chastise him for it, insisted he should move away, but he simply could not. The hand holding the Bible twitched, and the bible fell from his hand toland face-down at his feet. His breathing hitched in his chest and he started crying harder. Harry’s hand was scratching gently at the base of his skull. It soothed Draco. Inwardly, he wished he was more familiar with this feeling. He wished he was closer with Harry. He wanted so much he now knew in his core he could never have if either of them were to survive.
“It’s okay… I’ve got you.”
Draco sobbed even harder at that.
I don’t feel safe. I never feel safe anymore. Draco tried to speak, but only choked sobs and garbled syllables would leave him. His brain was a big jumbled mess, and he very badly wanted to simply. stop. thinking.
“Has this been in your head since mass? Did you feel unsafe at the park?”
Draco didn’t have the energy to speak at the moment. Tears still spilling from his eyes at a rapid rate, his heart began to slow down and his breathing eased. He thought of what Harry was asking, thought about the mass, thought about the bible at his feet. He couldn’t share this with Harry, knowing his views on all of the religious things, no…
So, he latched on to what Harry asked, nodding into his shoulder. He felt Harry begin to move away, and without thinking, grabbed onto his shirt with a whine, not wanting him to go away. Harry held onto him tightly.
Abomination.
“I’m not going away, it’s alright. I’m simply taking us to the living room to lay down. More comfortable. Walk with me.”
And so, Draco did, shuffling his feet, nearly tripping over the bible, not yet wanting to raise his head from Harry’s shoulder. They reached the sofa, and Harry brought the two of them down to lay across the length of it. Draco felt his body sag with exhaustion. Harry began to card his fingers through Draco’s hair again.
Abomination.
“What’re you thinking about?” Harry’s voice was soft like silk. Draco wanted to melt into it, wanted to drown in it and never resurface. He sniffled, shifting so he could breathe easier. His nose was right next to the corner of Harry’s mouth. He could feel the smallest bit of stubble growing. He knew that meant that Harry would shave in the morning. He blinked, feeling stray tears fall, their tracks leaving cold trails across his face. He was much calmer, now, but his sensibilities had been mangled, so he simply breathed, trying to work up to responding to Harry; kind and good Harry, who simply continued to card fingers through his hair and whose steady breathing Draco could feel in the up-down of his chest. Through his strained vision he could see the glow of the Christmas tree. The holiday was in just over two weeks. It felt frighteningly close and blissfully distant at the same time. Draco had never cared so little about the approaching holiday as he had in the last few years. Everything else in his head was simply too much. He couldn’t fathom stopping to decorate, or celebrate, or anything else of that nature. Harry’s body was very warm beneath Draco. He quite liked laying down this way.
Both of them have committed an abomination... Their blood shall surely be upon them.
“I don’t feel safe.”
His words came out quiet, and raspy. Images of blood and death flitted across his mind.
Check your locks.
“I’m here to keep you safe,” Harry tried. Draco wanted more than anything to trust him. He twitched.
God’s Wrath will find you. Check your locks.
“It’s not that,” Draco began. “It’s… my brain tries to tell me that I am not safe until I… it depends. It changes. Usually I need to check the lock on the door.”
“You feel like… the things your brain tells you to do… they’re the only things capable of keeping you safe?”
“They’re the only thing that calms my thoughts- the thoughts of dying, of being in danger… of endangering you.”
He could feel Harry’s breathing pause for only a moment. The fingers in his hair stilled. Harry’s grip around Draco tightened a degree.
“Endangering me from…”
“From God’s Wrath.”
You are not safe until you check your locks.
Draco knew it sounded absurd. Harry was a hero, a saviour… Surely if anyone were to be safe from God’s Wrath, it would be Harry. Right?
Check your locks.
Draco stood, his entire body protesting at the absence of Harry’s warmth. Harry sat up just as quickly, watching as Draco walked towards the front door. Just to calm these blasted thoughts… I can’t relax if blood and pain and God are all that I’m thinking about.
He turned the deadbolt to the unlocked position, and then back to the locked position. He pressed down against the locked position. Check again.
Draco could feel Harry’s eyes on him as minutes passed while he fiddled with the lock. Even as Harry moved from the couch, silently padding over to the kitchen, reheating the food, setting it on the table… and he didn’t interrupt Draco. He simply watched. Every click of the lock was like a breath of fresh air for Draco, like a weight removed from his shoulders. Even as he could feel the deep shame settling within him, the shame of realizing that something was very deeply wrong with him, with how he was thinking, with what he was doing… he found calm seeping back into his bones.
If Draco were to be asked how long he spent checking the door, he could not tell you, only that he was utterly exhausted by the time he finished, and when he finally turned back around, Harry was leaning against his palm, nearly asleep over his plate of food. Draco’s lips formed a thin line. He walked over to the table, sensing a stasis charm over the plates. He pulled his wand out of his pocket, casting a finite-
It didn’t work. Draco furrowed his brows, as did Harry, who was watching him curiously. Harry fingered at his own wand, which was beside his plate. Draco tried again, actually focusing on the charm. Merlin, when was the last time I focused on Finite Incantatem?
He waved his wand, and…
The food still had its bubble of protective magic over it.
“Do you need me to do it?”
“I can do it myself, thank you very much. It’s a second-year charm, for christ’s sake.” Draco’s face was rapidly heating, though. He hadn’t the slightest idea why he could not cast the counter-spell. He looked at the food very closely, allowed himself to feel the magic, and his. It was still there, he could feel it. He simply needed to…
The stasis faltered.
“It’s probably because you’re tired,” Harry offered, and with an easy flick, both stasis charms were removed. Draco huffed.
“And you aren’t?”
“I am… But I’m also weird.” Harry shrugged. “Let’s eat before it gets cold again.”
And so they did, and when they had finished, they sat awkwardly, not quite knowing what to say or do. Draco wanted to lay with him again.
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.."
Draco took the initiative of excusing himself to shower and go to bed. After the frantic stress of the entire day exuding from his pores, Draco knew his Sunday clothing probably reeked. Harry allowed him to go without protest. Draco got back to his room, flicking on the light switch. His borrowed bible still lay face down on the floor, and Draco could see a single crease on the spine, looking to be about the same area as The Book of Leviticus. He picked up the bible to close it and place it on his nightstand, when a word caught his eye. One that he’d never expected to see in Muggle text, let alone religious Muggle texts. He did a double take. Surely I didn’t see that word…
Except, he had, in perfectly plain ink, in another Leviticus verse, only a page or two off of the one he always read:
“A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.”