Thoughts and Feelings
After two hours of contemplating whether or not to try and coax Draco from his room, and eventually hazarding a knock at the door to no response, Harry simply sat at the table, nursing a glass of Bacardi rum- it had been bought recently because of Draco’s plan for a rum cake. But surely he wouldn’t need the whole bottle? And Harry really needed it, anyway. It helped him feel better about the rue that was spreading across his chest and making everything burn… or maybe that was the rum, or a mixture of both. Harry wasn’t sure anymore. It was late, and he was tired, and he did not want to finish the night with Draco like this, not when he was leaving again tomorrow afternoon to watch over Teddy.
Harry sighed, taking another sip of the amber liquid. He briefly wondered if a rum cake would burn just like the drink. Then, he thought about Draco baking, and it made his stomach do something funny. He shoved it away.
Harry should have known he was pushing too hard when he said that. He already knows that Draco doesn’t know precisely why he does the things he does. Hell, if Harry wants to be content with pushing away his own problems, then why isn’t he letting Draco do the same?
Harry knew why. He cared about Draco. But if he thought about that, it brought forth other questions, like why he won’t do the right things for himself, either. Even cleaning his flat was done for someone else, Teddy, and it took days, and help. Harry wouldn’t have bothered with it otherwise.
The flat lay silent and dark, save for the ticking of a wall clock and the yellow glow of the Christmas tree. The night was clear, recovering from the day’s torrent of rain. Hours ticked past with Harry doing nothing to attempt sleep. He stayed awake, fully dressed, alternating between sitting at the dining table and sitting slumped on the floor against Draco’s bedroom door. He listened for any indication that Draco could be awake, and the silence only continued to engulf him, becoming a thick, muffled thing that made Harry begin to feel out of sorts, and a bit detached from himself, as time continued on.
It wasn’t until the very earliest trickles of light began to show, that Harry was startled from his spot on the floor due to the sound of shuffling in Draco’s room. Harry may have fallen asleep, he surmised. His eyes were cracked and dry, and his lips were chapped. He stood, ignoring the protest from his back, which had been slumped over for an indiscernible amount of time.
When Draco opened the door to his room, Harry couldn’t help but take in his dishevelled, tired appearance. He wondered about the state of Draco’s sleep, and if it had been anything like Harry’s.
“Good morning,” Harry spoke, taking in a muted yawn. Merlin, he was exhausted. That didn’t matter anymore, though. Because now, Draco was awake and standing right in front of him.
Draco nodded, giving a quiet, tired, greeting in return.
Harry took a deep breath, trying to muster up the energy to say something, anything, but nothing was coming. So instead, the two were locked in a silent stare, neither of them moved.
After several moments, Draco spoke. "You look like shite... and you're still in yesterday's clothing. "
Harry glanced down at himself despite knowing he was still in yesterday's clothes. After so many hours, they felt as though they were pasted onto him.
"Yeah," was the only response he could muster. His mind was spinning, stuck somewhere between asleep and racing with thoughts. He blinked, willing his brain to work.
"I..." Draco began, before catching a glimpse of something behind Harry, his brows knitting. "Did you drink my rum?"
Harry winced. "Not near enough. You can still bake with it," he tried weakly. "You can't blame me, it's been there almost a week!"
"Because I bake for church on Sundays, you knob."
Harry frowned, his brows furrowing. He didn't have the energy to continue on about that. "Sorry," he sighed. He heard Draco do the same.
"I'm sorry, too... about last night. Things were just..."
"I overwhelmed you," Harry admitted. "I shouldn't have cornered you like that. Especially after you'd already had a rough day." Harry took a few steps forward. The urge to reach out and touch Draco rushed through him. Draco took a reciprocal step forward.
"During the summer before sixth year, after I…“ Draco began. He gestured towards his arm. “I spent nearly every moment in my bed, drowning in worry over the coming war.”
Harry did not respond, instead listening silently to Draco’s words.
“It- my mother, she was the one who got me out of bed- scared, one night, saying that if I didn’t show I was working on my mission, bad things were to come. I was beside myself with terror… I didn’t know what to do or think. I couldn’t focus on what needed to be done.”
Harry nodded, feeling his mouth go dry.
“I learned rather quickly that if I can distract myself enough- stop thinking about everything, ignore the emotions that were stirred up in me, then I’d be able to get to work.” Draco's eyes were downcast, and he wrung his hands. “I hated being home.”
Draco looked back up, catching Harry’s gaze. “I think… I think that’s when- all of this, distraction started. I… I wasn’t cleaning, or baking, but… I’d plant, and run… merlin, I ran a lot. I’d organise and reorganise my room often.”
Has it ever been under control? Harry wanted to ask, but he didn't.
"It's okay, you're safe, now. I'm keeping you safe," he told Draco instead, his voice low and gentle. Draco's hand was a welcome, grounding presence in his, and he hoped that the sentiment was being conveyed in return.
You shouldn’t run away from your thoughts and feelings, he also wanted to say. The statement was nagging at him to come out. But he didn’t really have a right to say that, did he? Not with how he’s been treating his own life as of late.
Maybe Harry himself needed to sit with his thoughts and feelings.
Harry offered a small smile.
"Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat, and we can have a quiet day until I need to go to Teddy. How does that sound?"
Draco smiled, a slow, soft thing. "Yeah... That sounds nice."
—-----
After breakfast, they sat on the sofa with cups of tea in hand. Harry didn't want to deal with the case, right now. He needed to relax. He wanted to leave things with Draco on a good note.
He'd have to leave, soon. But he'd have more time, next time. He wouldn't scare Draco away, or get whisked away by the ministry, or anything else. For now, he could enjoy this moment.
"Christmas is rather soon," Draco began. "And it's recently occurred to me that I may need to do some Christmas shopping. I think I am going to ask Auror Dawlish to accompany me to town."
Harry tamped down the voice in his head that asked why Draco would ask Dawlish to accompany him. After all, Draco had a life, and Dawlish was assigned to protect him, just like Harry. If Draco decided to go shopping on any particular day, he could. Thinking about Draco and Christmas shopping, Harry couldn't help but wonder at the idea of Draco receiving a present.
Harry supposed Draco didn't have much of anyone to gift him anything, anymore.
Well, except for Harry himself.
"That sounds nice," Harry responded. "I believe I also need to shop for the Hols. I'm sure I'll be able to find a moment for it." He caught Draco's grey eyes and soft expression. It made Harry want to kiss him, and he wasn't sure which urge was stronger, to stay in his warm spot on the sofa, or lunge at him-
"I'm sure you will, too," Draco returned. They were much closer, now. Harry couldn't tell when it happened.
Draco's expression changed. He suddenly looked serious, and he set down his tea.
"I'd like to ask a favour of you," he stated, and Harry nodded.
"Anything," he replied.
"I'd like for you to send your Godson a gift from me- let him know he has a cousin who'd like to meet him one day. "
Harry stared at Draco, his heart hammering It felt as though it was beating straight out of his chest, and it was dizzying. He swallowed. "That sounds brilliant- though, I'm not sure he'll quite understand."
Draco bit his lip. "I know. I'd just like for him to know."
The idea that Draco cared for Teddy despite not having known about him until recently did things to Harry. He wondered, absently, if it were abnormal to be attracted to the fact that Draco cares about his godson. They were drifting ever closer. The air around Harry began to feel warmer. "He likes penguins."
"Noted."
Harry couldn't resist any longer, leaning forward one last bit to connect his lips to Draco's. The sparks were electric, and his heart raced. Draco had reciprocated quite enthusiastically, tilting for a better angle and placing a cold hand on Harry’s cheek.
Harry melted into the kiss, swept away by the feelings blazing through his mind. I never want this to end. Time seemed to slow as they sank into each other’s hold. Harry could taste the lingering sweetness of tea on Draco's tongue, mixed with something uniquely him. A chill ran up his spine as another cold hand found his bare waist, resting gently beneath his shirt. He never wanted this moment to end. He pulled Draco closer, deepening the kiss as Draco's fingers tangled in his hair. I care about you so much, I want to show you how much I care.
Harry decided, in that moment, he would like nothing more than to feel Draco's skin beneath his hand, just as Draco was feeling his. He wanted to hold him closer, as though he could translate his wild, warbled thoughts through his touch. With a slow, careful hand, he moved towards the hem of Draco's shirt.
Cold skin, the edges of a large, raised scar-
Draco pulled away as if burned. Harry’s face rapidly began to flame, reality crashing down on him. Draco was heaving, his pupils constricted into dots. His skin was ashen.
Every point of contact between him and Draco was cold in his absence.
He’s the only living victim of a murder case I am actively working. This is wrong. This-
He’s hurt, and he’s vulnerable, and I just fucking-
Harry thought he was going to be sick.
"I'm-"
"I'm sorry. I- I can’t- I" Draco’s breathing had not slowed down.
Harry was confused, his brows furrowed. Why was Draco apologising? Harry was the one who was making a fool of himself, again, and he was the one who had pushed things, who barreled into this, rules be damned-
"Draco," he started, his voice hoarse.
Draco's face had fallen, making Harry yearn to reach out and smooth his features, to wipe away the hurt. Draco stood abruptly. Harry followed him, his mind racing.
"Draco-"
"Please leave me alone," Draco's voice was shaky, and the words felt like a knife in Harry's gut. He had ruined everything, again, and it made his stomach twist violently-
"Please, let's talk- I'm sorry-"
"I need to be alone," Draco stated firmly. His voice was cold, but it shook, and his eyes were filled with emotion. Harry felt his heart sink.
"I'm- please, can we just-"
"Potter, leave me be... Just let me know when Dawlish gets here... I'm sorry."
And with that, Draco retreated into his bedroom. Again.
Harry was beginning to loathe that bedroom.
—-----
Harry sighed as he entered his flat. He had fifteen minutes until he was due to get Teddy from the centre. He had decided to go to the grocery in an effort to be better prepared to care for the boy. He had found and purchased copious amounts of tea biscuits, as well as a large box of Cheerios, and Cheerios Honey (He had realised at the store that they were precisely the ‘O’ shaped cereals he’d seen in Teddy’s pack previously). He’d also picked out some carrots and apples for Teddy, recalling them as more snacks he’d had. And yoghurt, because he recalled him eating it at the Weasley's with Andromeda. For himself, he stocked up on easy, quick things: various tinned and frozen foods. He also picked up milk and water. He’d only had a limited time at the store if he wanted to stock his flat before picking Teddy up. He figured this would last a while, anyway. They would both be adequately fed. Harry would be sure of it.
Walking into the cream-coloured centre, Harry knew that it would be but a moment until Hannah came out with Teddy holding her hand. He put his hands in his pockets while releasing a breath. He hated the way his afternoon with Draco ended. Why was it that things were always going pear shaped, when it came to him? Harry wished Draco talked more. He hoped that at least Teddy’d had a good day today.
He thought back to the time he was able to peer beyond the walls of the waiting room- children laughing and crying, children working and playing.
He’d loathe a job where he knew he might be the reason a child threw a tantrum, or blew up a stack of papers, or even hurt themself.
He was pulled from his thoughts when Hannah and Teddy appeared through the door. In that moment, thoughts of Draco, and of anything else difficult or frustrating was swept away from his mind. Harry couldn’t help but break into a wide smile.
“Hey, Ted,” he began, crouching down to his level. Teddy gave a half-wave with the same arm that held his penguin toy tightly to his chest. Hannah let go of his hand, allowing Teddy to walk towards Harry, who opened his arms, his smile feeling impossibly wider. Teddy eyed Harry with curiosity, and soon, Harry realized he should be addressing Hannah. He stood, offering Teddy a hand, which he took.
“Thank you, Hannah. How was he today?”
“He was good,” She responded. “He played with some friends today, and he has been doing better with identifying family. We’ve begun a waiting program with him today- that is, teaching him to be able to wait for things. He’s doing well. He’s also showing improvement in following simple directions, like ‘come here’ or ‘clean up toys’. Today was good.”
Harry’s heart was full to bursting, hearing that Teddy had had such a good day, and was doing so well. It was different, and amazing, the pride he held for little Teddy. He smiled down at him, responding to Hannah.
“That’s good to hear,” he said, before turning back to her. He could see a small smile on her lips. “Thank you, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
As soon as they were back in Harry’s flat together, Harry went to remove the things he would need from Teddy’s pack, like his water cup, his eating chair, and his cot.
“Hey, Ted, is there anything you’d like to do?” Teddy didn’t respond, and Harry promptly approached him and tapped him on the shoulder, holding out the bag he knew had various toys. He began pulling them out. “Is there anything you’d like to do?”
Teddy put his hand over a large plastic toy that looked like little more than a set of connected curved sections of a hard tube. Teddy began twisting it this way and that, plopping himself onto the floor, his penguin nin his lap. Harry smiled. “I’m going to set up your things for the night,” he told him.