Sent by God
Dinner was a quiet affair.
After, Harry offered to clean up, and Draco was only too happy to agree, feeling a strange sort of embarrassment and shame about his afternoon.
Now, as he sat on his bed, watching the shadows on the wall, he looked back on his day.
He'd been so preoccupied with wondering if he locked the door that he'd lost a chunk of his afternoon. He hated it. He hated how quickly he had lost his mind.
There was a knock on the bedroom door.
"Draco?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I talk to you?"
Draco got up, went to his bedroom door and opened it. "Let's sit in the living room."
They sat next to each other on the sofa, Draco feeling rather nervous for a reason he couldn't quite place. He noted the distance between them.
"The ministry is interviewing all magical folk that attend the church Rookwood is hiding in."
Draco's mind was immediately taken back to his morning.
"I imagine that means you want to do it now?"
"Only if you want. We can leave it for the morning, too."
"Might as well do it now," Draco reasoned.
"I'll turn on the charm."
Harry pulled out his wand and waved it in the air wordlessly. An orb of light appeared and floated between the two of them. Draco's stomach did a flip watching him do his wandless magic.
"This is Auror Harry Potter, conducting a recorded interview with Draco Malfoy. Are you aware of and consent to being recorded?"
"Yes."
"This interview will now begin. Do you attend St. Jerome's church in Godric's Hollow? If so, how often?"
"I do. I attend every Sunday morning," Draco responded.
"Are you aware that the church is in cooperation with the Ministry of Magic and the British Parliament to provide a safe place of worship for both Muggles and Wizardkind in an area known to be home to both populations?"
"Yes."
"Have you ever noticed anything suspicious about the church or its staff?"
"No."
"Are you aware of the church's most recent decision to provide sanctuary to a known Death Eater who has recently escaped Azkaban: Augustus Rookwood?"
"Yes."
Harry looked at Draco, his eyes sincere and full of an emotion Draco couldn't place. "Do you feel safe attending the church?"
Draco paused, remembering the morning and the nagging paranoia he felt.
"I..." Draco sighed, does he believe that Rookwood will do something?
"I'm not sure."
"Do you believe that he may hurt any of the people in or outside of the church, and should therefore be prosecuted?"
Draco locked eyes with Harry, his heart rate picking up. Harry was waiting for his response patiently. Draco couldn't help but get distracted by the look in Harry's eyes.
"Yes," Draco finally said. "I do believe that he will harm others, and should therefore be prosecuted."
"This concludes our recorded interview. Did you answer everything truthfully and to the best of your knowledge?"
Draco blinked, putting his mind back into the situation. "Yes," he said, watching the golden light dissipate. The two men sat in silence for a few moments.
"Are you alright?" Harry asked gently.
"I am."
"Really?"
Draco was silent, wondering why Harry seemed so concerned.
"Why?"
Harry sighed, shifting on the couch. "I have a feeling that pile of clothing wasn't laundry."
Draco flushed, averting his eyes. He didn't say anything.
"Were you doing your cleaning thing?"
"I guess."
"How did you fall asleep?"
Draco sighed. "I was... stressed. I... it's complicated. I fell asleep because I was tired."
Harry nodded, but Draco could see the concern on his face.
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Harry said softly.
"...Thank you."
"Would you like some tea? I'll make some."
"Sure."
"I bought some madeleines. I figured we could have them with our tea."
"I didn't know that you knew what those were," replied Draco, feeling a smile grow on his face. He got up and followed Harry to the kitchen.
"Well, I've never had them, but I'm willing to try them," Harry admitted.
"You know what they are but have never had one?"
Harry shrugged, pulling the packet out of the pantry. "Hermione loves them. She says they're better than biscuits for tea."
Draco nodded. "That's true."
"Do you like them?"
"They're okay."
"You've never had one, have you?"
"No."
The two smiled at each other, and Draco felt a fluttering in his chest.
--------
Harry could feel the butterflies in his stomach running rampant. Draco was smiling at him, joking about madeleines... It was stupid, but it made Harry want to...
He turned to the stovetop and made busy pouring water into the tea kettle and adding some loose-leaf Darjeeling tea. He could hear his heart beating loudly in his ears.
Harry has been having thoughts of kissing Draco for days now. He knew it was wrong. It was wrong to think about, especially considering their circumstances, and their history, and the fact that Harry would be so clearly taking advantage of him if anything like that were to happen.
It was wrong.
And Harry hated himself for having these thoughts. He was meant to be protecting Draco, not taking advantage of his vulnerability.
Harry sighed.
"What are you sighing about, Potter?"
Harry couldn't help but smile again.
"It's Harry, remember?"
"Right."
"And nothing, really."
"Sure... Don't worry, I won't pry. Did you enjoy grocery shopping?"
"It was nice. And now the kitchen is fully stocked."
"How much do I owe you?"
Harry looked at Draco. "Oh, no. Nothing. We both know I have more money than I know what to do with."
"So do I," he responded. "How much do I owe you?"
"You owe me nothing," Harry insisted. "Don't worry about it."
"But-"
"I insist."
"Headstrong Gryffindor you are."
Harry couldn't help the flush that grew across his cheeks. "Yeah, well. What can I say? I'm stubborn."
"That you are... But that's not all," Draco confessed.
"Then what else is it?"
Draco paused, a look on his face that Harry couldn't quite place.
"You're just a good person. You care about others, and you want them to be safe and happy... Even if you don't always get along with them."
Harry was silent.
"Even if you think they don't deserve it."
Harry could feel his stomach twisting. He wasn't sure what to say.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Draco smiled.
The whistle of the tea kettle drew Harry back from getting lost staring again. He removed the kettle from the stovetop and poured two cups of tea, then put madeleines on the saucers. He pushed one of the servings toward Draco.
"Thank you," Draco said, taking a sip of his tea. Harry followed suit.
As they sipped their tea and nibbled on the madeleines, Harry couldn't help but feel a sense of contentment settle over him. It was strange, really, how easy it seemed to be around Draco. He had always been his enemy in school, but now... Now it was clear that their relationship had changed for the better.
"So, where are we going from here?" Draco asked, taking another sip of his tea.
"We wait for Ron to let us know what the ministry's decision is," Harry replied, finishing his madeleine and picking up another. "And we're getting to the stage where we rehash old evidence for things we may have missed. I have to start looking through your memory of the attack again.
Draco nodded, his expression serious. "I understand. Anything to catch the person who did this."
Harry smiled faintly. "Yeah. We'll get them."
They fell into a silence, the only sound being that of teacups clinking against saucers.
"I have a question."
Harry looked up at Draco, his tone serious.
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Why are you doing this? Why did you take this case?"
Harry was taken aback by Draco displaying his curiosity, but quickly composed himself. He thought for a moment about how to answer. Now that he was doing it, he realised that he hadn't very well thought of it at all, really. His mind was always on what was happening right in front of him, never wanting to slow down or look back...
"Because it's sickening... and upsetting. For people to treat each other like this. To treat anyone like this, really. It's disgusting. And I want to help people feel safe, and not have to live in fear."
Harry watched Draco, who was nodding, his eyes far away.
"I understand that."
Harry looked at Draco in the eyes, and he was looking back at him. In his eyes, Harry could see understanding, shining so truly and sincerely that it made Harry's heart squeeze in his chest. Draco spoke again.
"You know, I think I learned how that feels during the war. While... while Voldemort stayed in my home."
Harry's heart was pounding in his chest. The prospect of Draco being open was so rare. He didn't want to let it go.
"How was that for you?"
Draco was silent for a long time, and Harry thought he was going to say no more, and he'd be left to wonder what was happening inside his mind. But, after several minutes, Draco began.
"Terrifying."
He paused, his gaze downcast. Then, after a few moments, he spoke again.
"You know, he behaved as if he owned the Manor... No place was safe, or secure... not even my bedroom, or the washroom. Every corner, every shadow, had an air of foreboding and menace."
Harry was silent, not wanting to say anything and ruin the moment.
"I lived in fear... constantly. Always worrying if this would be the day he killed me, or my parents."
Harry nodded, and Draco continued.
"The worst part is, the more you fear, the more paranoid you become. I would jump at the sound of the walls creaking, or the wind whistling in the night. I feared he could be standing at the foot of my bed at night.
I find myself feeling that way again, now. With this... my attacker." Draco's brows knitted together. "The least I can do is lock my doors. I couldn't do that at the manor, he... Voldemort knew. He didn't want people hiding things from him."
Harry reached out his hand, gently placing it on Draco's forearm. "I'm sorry," he said.
Draco glanced at the spot where they were now touching, looking away just as quickly. "It's fine."
"It's not," Harry insisted. "What happened to you was not fine. It was wrong, and you didn't deserve it."
Draco scoffed, shaking his head. "Of course I deserved it. Don't pretend like you don't know that. I single-handedly started the second war... I-" Draco shook his head. "I am not good... I never was." Draco began to blink rapidly. "And now... now it's caught up to me."
Harry could see the tears brimming in Draco's eyes, and he could feel his own chest aching. He moved his hand up, squeezing Draco's shoulder.
"You did do a lot of bad things," he agreed. "But that doesn't mean you deserve to die."
Draco swallowed, turning his head away from Harry.
"I don't want to die. I don't want to feel the pain. I don't want to be scared that it will come back for me... But I can't help but wonder if it may be what I deserve."
Harry wanted to hold him. Hold him and run fingers through his hair and tell him to stop thinking such nasty thoughts. His grip on Draco's shoulder tightened. He knew he could not go further than that.
"Draco, you did not deserve what happened to you. And it's not what you deserve."
Draco didn't say anything. Instead, he turned and locked eyes with Harry, his gaze penetrating and full of an emotion that Harry couldn't quite place.
"I don't want to die."
"You won't."
"You can't know that."
Harry's stomach lurched. The image of Draco mauled and bleeding came into his mind. The thought of him being dead crept in. He shook his head, and responded with resolution. "You're right. But I can try my hardest."
"I hate living in fear," Draco confessed, his voice wavering. He screwed his eyes tight. "I hate what my brain is doing to me." Harry saw tears fall. He didn't know how to respond.
"I know," he responded, squeezing Draco's shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"I just want it to go away. I want to be normal. I just... I want it to end."
"I know."
"I'm afraid of him, Harry," Draco's voice was strained and choked, and Harry's throat felt thick. "I keep thinking that he's coming for me to finish the job. I... Today, I-" Draco cut himself off, a muted sob escaping him. He brought trembling hands up to his face, covering his eyes.
"I was reading. I was just reading, and minding my business, and trying not to think about things and, I just... images of him coming back, or... I had to check the door." Draco turned and faced Harry for the first time in a while, eyes bloodshot and puffy. "I- I had to. I needed to make sure. And even after I made sure, I... I don't know. I kept… not knowing if it was actually locked. I locked it all over again, I... I tried to stop myself from thinking about it, and it didn't work." He closed his eyes again, another wave of tears hitting him.
Harry decided that distance be damned. Draco needed comfort right now. He scooted over on the sofa, gently nudging Draco in his direction, wordlessly allowing him the opportunity to pull away. But Draco did not pull away, and instead let himself lean against Harry, who wrapped an arm around him, squeezing him gently.
"I can't control my own mind. I can't even understand it, anymore..."
"Draco..." Harry's voice was low and thick with emotion. He didn't know what to say. He rubbed Draco's shoulder gently.
"I hate being this way."
"I know."
Draco's tears began to fall steadily, and his shoulders shook. Harry could hear his breathing, shuddering and uneven. He felt his own chest aching, the sadness and sympathy welling up. He felt the overwhelming desire to do anything it took to wipe Draco's sorrows away. However, he simply squeezed gently, letting Draco fully lean into him.
"It'll be okay," Harry reassured.
Draco buried his face into the crook of Harry's neck. "I don't want to die. I don't want to live like this."
"You won't die," Harry whispered. "I promise. You won't die. You won't live like this. We'll find him. we'll find him and arrest him. He won't be able to hurt anybody anymore."
Draco's fingers dug into Harry's shirt.
"I want it to be over," Draco's voice was barely above a whisper.
Harry tried for his mind to not take that statement in the millions of directions it could go. He took a deep breath, holding him tighter. "I understand," he responded.
After a long while, Draco calmed down. Harry remained passing a hand up and down his upper arm. Draco did not move or protest, so Harry figured he wanted it.
He liked giving Draco comfort, helping him work through things… Learning more about him.
Harry found himself wanting to learn a lot more about him.
Finally, Draco sat up straight, and Harry withdrew his arms, leaving the space between them empty and cold.
"Sorry," he said, voice rough and nasally.
"No need."
"It's just been... rough."
"It's okay. Really."
They fell into a silence during which Harry watched as Draco recomposed himself, wondering just how close he could get before he was much too close to be considered appropriate; before Draco would stop sharing things with him. Maybe, Harry thought, he ought to start sharing things about himself with Draco, too. A sort of give-and-take, so that he could continue to grow closer to him.
"So," Draco began, clearing his throat and wiping his face. "How about that case, huh?"
Harry chuckled. "Yeah, it's a tough one."
Draco laughed too, wet and strangled. "Maybe God really is doing it. And that's why you can't catch him."
"Yeah? Well, God also has Rookwood hiding in one of his houses. I think he deserves to get caught just like the others."
"I don't know... God is... well, he's everything, isn't he? We are fearfully and wonderfully made by him... God can do what he wants, really, after everything else he's done for us."
Harry pursed his lips, not sure how to respond. He didn't understand too much about God, or Jesus, or any religion. He didn't understand what it was like to be Draco and to believe everything the church teaches. He wondered if it came down to how he was raised. He didn't know, though. Really, how could he?
"Well, the thing is, he's breaking the law. I have to put him in Azkaban, regardless of... whether he's a saint or a sinner."
Draco smiled faintly.
"Sinners deserve punishment. People like Rookwood, yes, but also people like me. We... We've done a lot of bad things. God decides who to save. And... I guess he's choosing to save Rookwood. I guess I still have a lot more repenting to do before I'm deemed worthy of saving."
"Draco..." Harry's chest ached. "You... You don't have to earn your life. No one has to. I... You deserve to be alive, regardless of what you did."
"I can't help but wonder sometimes," Draco said, looking into the distance. "I... I have so many regrets. If only I'd have done things differently, maybe I wouldn't have had to spend so many years hating my life and everyone around me."
Harry swallowed, nodding his head. "I know what you mean," he confessed.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"But you're the chosen one, Harry. You were destined to defeat the Dark Lord... You're a hero."
Harry let out a rueful chuckle. "It's not that simple, is it."
"I suppose not."
"I mean, I was always destined to do that, and yet I was still responsible for my own actions. I... I did a lot of bad things, too."
Getting Sirius killed, slicing Draco up, murder, fraud... those were only the ones right off the top of his head. He knew there was more, though. All the things that keep him up, that he tries to forget, that he ignores...
"Do you think God hates you?"
Harry looked at Draco and found that he was looking right back.
"I mean... I don't know... I wouldn't blame him if he did. I've done a lot of messed up things."
"I think God loves you," Draco said. "I don't think he's too plussed about any of your wrongdoings. Not after all the good things you've done."
"Well, God's got a funny way of showing it," Harry said with a sigh. His mind went to the friends he was ignoring, his flat that he was allowing to rot, the murders he’s had to witness, the thoughts and dreams that haunt him.
"Yeah, I guess he does," Draco agreed, and Harry felt a sort of guilt. Draco has been through some things, such as Harry has, and he holds concepts like God in a much higher regard than Harry. He wondered if, perhaps, God's hatred is something Draco genuinely fears.
"Do you think God hates you?"
Draco was silent for several beats. For a moment, Harry wondered if his luck with sharing had run out for the evening. "I guess I wouldn't blame him if he does, either."
Harry nodded, choosing not to speak for the moment. Part of him wanted to know more of what Draco was thinking, how everything connected.
"I'm trying... to get him to forgive me... but lately, I've been wondering more if maybe somethings are just... not forgivable. Starting a war, having a hand in evil, allowing people to die in my home... those things don't sound very forgivable. Maybe that's why He's sent for my death.
"Well," Harry began. Part of him protested the idea of a response, but Draco thinking that this killer was a rightful force of God made his stomach lurch. "Draco, this killer, he hasn't been... sent by God. I mean, nobody even knows who God is. He may not even exist-"
"He exists," Draco began to protest.
"I- that's not what I meant," Harry retorted, treading along his next words carefully. "I mean, this man, he's acting of his own volition. There is no ultimate force of good who would send for this."
"God sent ten plagues to the Egyptians for not freeing the Israelites from slavery."
Harry furrowed his brows, wishing he knew what Drao was talking about.
"Ten plagues," Harry repeated.
"Yes," Draco said, his tone clipped.
"I'm not sure if this is the same."
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"It's a big difference, Draco. I mean, I know I haven't gone to church and read the bible all that much, but... this doesn't... isn't it about being good? Guiding morals? I... never mind.
"No, Harry, go on."
Harry sighed. "I'm not good at all of this religion stuff. I swore off it when I was young because I didn't like how my family was approaching it. I... Walk me through those... plagues. God sent plagues because..."
"The Egyptian Pharoah refused to free the Israelites from slavery. Those plagues killed people. Children, too."
"The Pharoah refused, you say."
"Yes."
"He kept refusing, every time? He chose to continue to do wrong."
At this point, Harry could see that Draco knew where he was going with this. Harry continued.
"You have chosen to do right, now. You are different. This is different."
Draco and Harry were looking at each other quite intently, now- Harry awaiting a response.
"I see your point. It's... worth thinking about."
Harry sighed, nodding his head.
"I can tell you, Draco, this man is not some divine force, not sent from God. He is a person, like you and me, and he is acting out his own will. He's using God as an excuse."
Draco was silent.
"I don't think God is trying to punish you," Harry continued, feeling bold. "I think He forgives you, and I think you've done the best that you can to make things right. You're a good person now, Draco."
Draco's attention was now fully on Harry. He did not dare look away. Harry felt his stomach go aflutter.
"...Do you mean that?"
"Yes. I mean it. You're a good person."
Draco blinked a few times, looking at Harry like he didn't know what to say. Harry smiled softly, hoping that this was something that would help Draco, that he played a part in helping Draco. His hand itched with the urge to reach out and touch him.
"Thanks," Draco said. Harry couldn't help but notice the redness creeping across his face.
Harry spent the rest of the night thinking only about Draco- Holding him, comforting him, seeing him smile, talking to him.
It was then that Harry realised that he was going absolutely mad for him.