Chapter 1
I say they're just the ones who gave me life
But I truly am my parents' child
Sirius Black’s greatest fear was never his mother, despite what he might tell you. It was himself. More specifically the part of him he could never outrun. The Potters might have taken him and called him son long before he showed up on their doorstep torn to ribbons, but there was no denying there would always be that bit of Black to him.
He would see it in himself late at night when his mind was too tired to fight off the intrusive thoughts he spent so much time trying to distract himself from. What would have happened to him if fate had other plans for him and he’d been sorted into Slytherin? It would eat him up inside to envision how easily he would have fallen into the exact life he tried so hard to get away from. The only reason he hadn’t turned out that way was because of an accident - by some sheer dumb luck - that he had fallen into what his parents called ‘the wrong sort’. He had learned firsthand of the wonders of same-ness of them before his parent’s rhetoric had fully sunk its teeth.
In another life not so far away he could see himself if he hadn’t been born as the family disgrace. He would be sitting with Rosier and Avery and all the other Respectable Purebloods and he would be interning with his father’s political columns and he would marry a proper girl and fulfill his family duty and he would be proud. His parents would be -
Sirius couldn’t let the delusion go too far. It was all just what-if's anyways he would tell himself. He’s here now with family and friends that love him for who he is and fighting for a cause he knows is right in his heart. He never needed them. He’s glad he’s gone.
But there was no denying he was his parent’s child. There was nothing about his physical genetics. He would always carry his father’s eyes and mother’s nose. He’d come to peace with that and transformed it into something he loved.
No - what he hated was the sick mania that ran through his blood. Sometimes he wondered if that's why he got so high off of the mischief at Hogwarts. Maybe a part of him, no matter how compressed and squashed, enjoyed seeing people helpless. While he tried to tell himself that it was a different case entirely, that he was protecting good people from the likes of people like Snape and his parents, he still taunted and teased and wanted them to suffer. He wanted them to hurt. It didn’t matter which direction it was pointed - it was no different from his parents' anger protecting what they thought was good.
He would always have that stripe of cruelness that marked his family line. No matter how much he pretended he could squash it down with the unfaltering loyalty he showed his friends - how much blood sweat and tears he’s given to be different- it’ll never change.
He was envious of James sometimes (a fact he was also deeply ashamed of) for his deeply embedded capacity for good. There was not a speck inside James Potter capable of the same plague that haunted Sirius. The boy could swallow the sun and be no different from who he was before. He radiated warmth and Sirius soaked it up like a sponge as if enough of it could eradicate the parts of himself he hated.
• • •
Sirius felt as if his soul was no longer in his body. It wasn’t necessarily shock - he knew shock. This was something different. This was more like being a backseat passenger in his own mind.
He doesn’t remember breathing at all the entire way to the dorms. His feet moved, his heart pumped painfully, the paintings rushed past him in a blur, but he wasn’t there. Finally, he reached the Fat Lady’s portrait, who upon seeing his distressed state, flung open for him without command. The common room was in a state of distress of wild students making the most of their last night with their friends before the winter break. Couch cushions lay upturned and cupboards were hazardless thrown open as those who had been putting off packing desperately tried to find their lost goods before heading home. Somewhere in the mix of it all was Mary McDonald who had been laughing loudly at something Lily had told her. She caught sight of him from across the room and immediately sobered up seeing his panic. Sirius practically ran towards her making her sit up in alarm.
“Sirius, what-”
“Did- did Remus come down yet? Is he here?” Sirius gulped, the words were heavy in his mouth and ringing in his ears.
Her brow furrowed. “No - he never came back from Astronomy. Said something about a headache and headed down to the infirmary. I thought you were with him. Why - is he okay? Is his mother sick again?”
“I- '' Sirius thought he was seeing stars which would have been ironic all things considered. “No, um-” Sirius turned and his breath caught. He could practically feel the way his lungs hitched and his breath closed up in his throat as if being strangled. The other students were beginning to stare at him too now and he thought he might just throw up.
The map. I need the map, he suddenly thought with striking clarity.
“Sirius-!” McDonald called but Sirius ignored her. Without bothering to explain, Sirius backed away from the girls and threw himself towards the staircase leading up to the boy’s dorms. He barely caught himself on the stone walls as he stumbled on the steep steps. More than once his feet fell short causing him to lose his balance and his stomach to drop.
“James!” He called, running up to their dorm at the peak of Gryffindor tower. ”James, are you in here?”
Sirius didn’t receive any response even as he swung upon the door to the dormitory. The room was empty and perfectly how the four of them had left it that morning - clothes thrown in every which way, blankets bundled on the floor, the make-shift ladder that had for climbing on top of their canopy beds for their impromptu games of war. But it was empty. Sirius should have supposed that made sense - it was only half an hour till the moon came up and James and Peter would already be heading down to the Shack to prepare for the night - but Sirius’ panic-addled brain wasn’t thinking very clearly.
Sirius’s eyes burned as he began to tear apart the room in an attempt to find the map. There was never any one carrier for it and it passed between the four of their hands like a Quaffle. But that meant finding it when you needed it was impossible. He tried to remember who had had it last but his mind was blank at any sort of helpful details.
“Fuck. Please please please-” Sirius knew he sounded pathetic and the words came out as a desperate sort of whine. The backs of his eyes were beginning to burn with oncoming tears as he began to tear through his trunk with no luck.
He looked around the room as if was still lying somewhere and he hadn’t seen it. It was then that his common sense responded back to him. Sirius twisted his wand out from inside his robes and gave his wand a flick of his wrist. “Accio.”
The spell came out rough in his clogged throat. For a second he thought it didn’t work, that maybe James or Peter had it with them, but out of the corner of his eye he saw the movement under a nearby blanket. Quicker than a snitch Sirius moved and spread open the map on the nearest bed. “I solemnly swear that I’m up to go good.” Parts of it were still unfinished and certain passages were left vulnerable to the locating charm, but it would work well enough in his case for the moment.
“Show me Severus Snape.” Immediately the ink of the map began to give away until there was only one set of quickly moving footprints that were easy to hone in on. Ones that were making themselves across the Hogwarts grounds and towards the Whomping Willow.
• • •
Of course, Sirius hadn’t wanted Snape to die. He didn’t even think the slimy idiot would actually go through with it. In fact, at that moment, he was thinking more about what would happen if he didn’t tell him.
Sirius had known for weeks now that Snape knew more than he was letting on. It had started with more and more cruel jabs towards half-breeds, then the sudden appearances of silver jewelry he knew were far outside the boy's price range to have been bought rather than transfigured, and then now - the blanket remark of the full moon.
“Careful, Black. Moons are almost out.” Severus taunted. “You never know what sort of creatures could be lying about.”
Sirius' eyes sharpened at Snape's figure from across the candle-lit corridor. “Speaking for yourself? The Blast-Ended Skrewt need harvesting tonight and I heard they need a nice, steady, experienced hand-”
“And here I was thinking you were above the humor and emotional intelligence of a first-year. Act your age, Black. It’s unbecoming.” Snape cut him off coolly, partially startling Sirius to see him so collected. It usually didn’t take much to get him riled up. That was part of the fun.
Sirius’ mood sobered as he took a step forward. One hand hovered over his wand
“Something got your knickers in a twist? C’mon, out with it.”
Snape raised an eyebrow. “If I remember correctly I’m the one on perfect duty. I’m doing my job, unlike you. But it is strange you would be rolling about this hour… and without your little gang.”
Make those two strikes. Sirius' heart leaped.
“Is your life that boring? You have to keep tabs on ours so you don’t bore yourself to death?” Sirius said. “I guess that would make sense when your only company is your right hand.”
“It seems to be otherwise actually. That's twice you’ve brought up my prick in a singular conversation. Seems to be on yours more than mine…” Snape paused and stared at him with a malicious glint in his eyes. “Wouldn’t want to go back to your family. I’m not sure they could handle both a blood traitor and a queer.”
It was like he’d been thrown into the Great Lake. A terrible icy feeling spread from his neck to his spine before engulfing him. He straightened and stared at Snape wide-eyed. His jaw clenched and his tongue felt heavy in his mouth.
His mind began to tunnel. How- how did he know? He had thought he’d been discreet, he thought- how could he possibly know? Sirius hadn’t told a soul about it. Was it that obvious? And Remus - he knew something wasn’t right about Remus either. Did he actually know what Remus was or was he also taking wild shots at that too?
Before Sirius could say anything, pure delight spread across Snape’s face. “Oh, did I strike a nerve? Tell me, is it the half breeds or the mud- '' Snape paused. “-or the muggle filth that gets you going? Because let me tell you something, that Lupin fellow-”
Sirius had moved before he could even think. He’d grabbed the boy by the front of his robes and had pushed and slammed him up against the wall. The rough, abrupt movement and the impact it had knocked the air out of both of them. However, it gave him a cruel sense of joy seeing the flash of fear in another boy’s eyes before it was covered up.
“You never stop talking do you, huh? Nosing around in things that have nothing to do with you. You don’t know anything.”
Snape tried to push him off but Sirius slammed him again. Sirius hoped the shake in his hand
didn’t give away the fear that was eating him alive. It was a looming feeling similar to riding on a broom but with the knowledge of an imminent snap plummeting you to the ground with no way of slowing down.
Snape might have had a couple of inches on him but there was no denying who was the more physically superior of the two. Snape was quicker than him, though, and had his wand out and pointed at Sirius's throat before he could blink.
Snape’s scare could’ve curdled blood. “I know more than you think, Black. More than you. And definitely more than the crackpot running this school.”
Sirius would have laughed but didn’t move his grip on the boy, even as the wand dug into his neck. The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could properly process them. “You’ve spewed a lot of shite before but I think that might just be the topper of the cake. The only reason you’re even at this school alive is because Dumbledore protects you. You think you could be cozying up with death-eaters, have the life you have now, if Dumbledore wasn’t there to protect your sorry hind? You’re pathetic.” Sirius shoved the boy back into the wall causing him to stumble.
Snape’s face pinched with anger. He raised his wand at Sirius. “Stup-!”
They two were close enough that Sirius was capable of grabbing the wand while it was still in the other’s hand. The wand jerked and caused the spell to fly up towards the ceiling rather than at him. Sirius had half a mind to grab the wand while the other was distracted and threw it down the hallway. Oh what his mother would think to see him resort to muggle methods.
“Gotta be quicker than that,” Sirius smirked. Snape’s glare hardened.
“That’s 20 points fr-”
“Hiding behind the points once again. Too scared for a proper fight.” Sirius tilted a head, then with a mocking tone: “‘It’s unbecoming.’”
Snape looked as if we were about to respond with another scratching comment but bit his tongue at the last minute. In a blink of an eye, his rage composed itself back into cool carelessness. That only made Sirius’ rage-filled fear darken.
“I’ve notified the Ministry.”
Sirius' anger parted momentarily. “What?”
“I told them. About the Mutt. And Dumbledore. How he knew he was keeping a beast in the castle, endangering students. You think the Minister will let him stay after this? No. No, the old coot will be a snap away from Azkaban before the school even wakes up.”
“You’re bluffing,” Sirius said, feeling sick. He had to be. There was no way Snape could have gotten past Dumbledore. The Ministry didn’t take anonymous letters. The only way to contact anyone was to show up in person and make a formal statement. He would have had to go to the Ministry himself. There was no way Snape would have had access to any sort of communication.
“Correct,” Snape agreed readily. The was agreed about his voice that made Sirius feel as if he was being pinned to a wall like some kind of creature in Slughorn’s office. “But you know what would happen if it were. An unregistered werewolf isn’t just a threat to Dumbledore. You know what would happen to Lupin.”
Sirius breathing If the Ministry found out about Remus he was sure to be killed - no ‘put down’ as they called it. Like he was some kind of sick dog getting put out of misery and not breathing, living person-
Sirius knew what blackmail sounded like. “What the hell do you want, then?”
His voice had come out considerably weaker than he would have wanted, which caused a spread of sadistic glee on Snape as if he’d been waiting for that moment his whole life. To be powerful - to be feared.
Snape’s chin raised slightly as he looked Sirius directly in the eyes. “I want you to deliver a message to the Dark Lord for me.”
It took Sirius a second to process what Snape was suggesting. He couldn’t help but let out a loose, dark laugh. “Are you- Are you out of your bloody mind? Why in Godric’s name do you think I’m cozying it up with the Dark Lord?”
“Don’t play stupid.” Snape sneered. “We both know where and who the Dark Lord spends his time with. You’re going to tell him I wish to join him and get me to meet him. Or else I’ll be reporting your half-blood to be taken down for Potion ingredients.”
Sirius stared at Snape as if he was seeing him properly for the first time. Sirius knew Snape was cruel, but never would he have thought he would actually cross that line. Spitting slurs and hexes on the school grounds was one thing, but committing murder was a whole other. He could see the familiar mania in his eyes driving him mad from the inside out. Was he really willing to watch his classmate - an innocent person - die a pointless death just so he could get a toe-in with a psychotic serial killer?
Snape had to be out of his mind. Even if he did set up a meeting with The Dark Lord, what did Snape think he could achieve? There was an award on any sort of information regarding the whereabouts of any Death Eaters. What would be stopping Sirius from reporting him right back again?
“You don’t know what you’re dealing with,” Sirius shook his head in warning.
He watched as Snape tightened into a fist around his wand. “I think we’ve already had this discussion. I know perfectly well what I’m involved with.”
“He’ll kill you, you know that? He’s fucking insane. You’re insane. Whatever sort of protection you hope he’s going to give you is false.”
Snape said nothing but raised his chin up higher.
A spark of Sirius’ insidious anger sparked up from inside him. How dare Snape. Doesn’t he fucking understand? There's nothing there. How dare he. Sirius has spent his entire life trying to get away and here he was trying to get in.
“Why not get one of the Slytherins to help you? What’s stopping me from turning around and turning in a report of my own?”
Snape grinned. “An eye for an eye.”
Sirius laughed darkly at the off expression. “Surely you didn’t hit your head that hard.”
“No! I-” Snape was angry now. “You wouldn’t report me. Take me down and you’ll be going down with me.”
“What the bloody hell that’s supposed to mean? If you forgot I’m not exactly out there terrorizing muggles in the name of blood purity.”
“Oh but surely you know…” Snape drawled in his annoyingly fake accent as if to hide the Cockney in him.
“Know what? Spit it out before I curse it out of you.” Sirius’s skin was beginning to itch to hex Snape. Remus would be going down for his transformation any minute now. He was going to be late and then it would be too late to open the hatch into the shack. Then there wouldn’t be a Padfoot to calm Moony down that night.
“Regulus. Didn’t he tell you? He’s due for the mark this summer. They give leniencies, you know, if you sell out others.”
Sirius really didn’t think his blood could go colder. “You’re lying. He’s only fifteen. He wouldn’t- he doesn’t take anyone underage.” He didn’t think so at least.
“Wouldn’t be the first time a Black would be an exception to the rules.”
Sirius couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t do anything. He stayed lingering over that pit knowing his time was up.
Sirius liked to pride himself on the ability to slip away and disregard the boundaries he’d been put in, but there was no backing out of this. This was different - this wasn’t just him this time. It was everyone’s. Snape had played him and he knew it. There had been no check to warn him this time. He was trapped by his own loyalties. But Snape needed to realize. He needed to know what he was dealing with. If he was willing to disregard everything and everyone in attempts for power, he needed to know what those lives were worth. That he was just as mortal as them.
All at once, any belonging of reason broke free of him with a resounding crack. Everything that Sirius once called himself was gone, leaving him with only a renowned sense of subdued clarity.
It was then that Sirius knew exactly what needed to be done.