Harry Potter and the Unexpected Family

Loki was twitchy.

After Tony had fled the night before, Loki had quickly sought refuge in the guest suite he'd been assigned. He had paced the room in restless agitation as he took in the enormity of the past day, feeling both whole and fragile in a way he couldn't articulate. He'd been through so much pain, both old and new, that tried to overshadow the euphoria of finding his family once again. He felt unable to contain the emotions crashing through him.

Loki knew that feeling was exacerbated because he was still recovering from his time with Thanos. His mother, the gifted healer that she was, had corrected the majority of the damage from the torture and mind control of the last year. Despite her efforts, though, there were still scars that needed mending, and some of the deeper psychological wounds had been stitched and bandaged but not yet healed. These wounds were making it difficult to keep his normally unflappable emotional control.

In all his years of life, Loki had taken care to remain as emotionally uninvolved as possible. He learned very young that Odin held no regard for him, and would scoff at his hard won accomplishments. Thor, in his youth, was arrogant and boastful and followed their father's disparaging example with his friends. Norns, the entire realm of Asgard was disappointed in their prince; what sort of man experiments in magic and spends days surrounded by books when they could be like the mighty Odin and Thor, wielding oversized weapons and throwing back ale like a "true warrior"? Only Loki's mother, Frigga, had shown him consistent care and unconditional love. She encouraged his studies, taught him all she knew, and comforted him when he became the victim of the rest of the realm’s mockery and bullying. Loki would always love Frigga as his true mother, but even the queen had limited power to protect Loki’s heart when Odin himself led the nearly universal scorn. So, his detachment and control became his armor, one he had promised himself he would never shed.

The opposite was true on Earth. In all his years as James, Loki had been encouraged to be himself, to feel everything deeply and love openly. He'd been free to laugh and play as he liked, supported in his interests, and had thrived under the tutelage of his parents and teachers. He'd even made his own family, a circle of brothers, two partners, and a child, all of whom he cherished more than his own life. As James, he could still trick and scheme like no other and had similar interests and natural talents, but he had no reason to hide himself away like he had in his life as Loki.

This unprecedented circumstance, where Loki was simultaneously reestablishing control over his mind and integrating two versions of himself, made for a tenuous grip on his growing homicidal urges and self loathing. 

Loki was also still experiencing the aftershocks of his grief, compounded by the memory blocks he had suffered since his earthly death. He hadn't had more than three days of combined memories after being torn away from Lily and Harry, and most of that was spent in a frantic search for Harry before his Midgardian life was forcibly obscured by Odin. The pain and longing had still festered in him despite the block on his memories, and his magic became slowly toxic to him as the years passed. Magic follows the intent and emotions of the wielder, and that level of pain in a powerful mage could drive even a god mad, allowing Thanos to much more easily overtake Loki's mind and send him to be a weapon against Midgard. Frigga had healed much of this damage also, but there were still lingering effects. Loki felt more easily agitated than he ever had been before, very quick to rage and lose control of his magic as his emotions ran amok.

And there was so much rage to control. Loki was livid about these abuses against himself on some level, but only vaguely. His own torment was only important right then because the effects could negatively impact Harry and Tony. He needed to address it to be in top form for his son and lover. Or, no, his son and co-parent that he would try to win back. In either case, Harry and Tony deserved more than the mindless murder Loki longed to commit against those who harmed his family. He had to be better than that. Loki would exact his vengeance, but he would be precise and cunning in his implementation. He refused to lose control and become someone either of his most cherished people could fear or resent.

In order to manage the side effects he was experiencing, Loki spent the night magically transporting himself to stand either outside Harry's door or at the entrance to Tony's personal lab (apparition was too loud, so he used an old Vanir spell that teleported him in a plume of green flames). He didn't try to enter, but just stood and soaked in their realness and their closeness. It calmed the rage like nothing else could, and had the added benefit of releasing some of his stirred up magical energy. Loki had panicked initially when he couldn't hear Harry breathing behind the door, but calmed slightly when he encountered a layer of magic surrounding the room. It was obviously a silencing charm erected by Harry, and while the several possible implications of that made Loki cringe, he was relieved to feel his son's magic. It was a promise of his presence just beyond, even if Loki was anxious at not being able to hear if Harry was alright. Loki had felt guilty for his trips to Tony's door when the man had clearly asked for space, but he soothed himself with the knowledge that he wasn't attempting to force his company on his love, just trying to sooth his anxiety by ensuring Tony was near. The lab was soundproofed very thoroughly, but his inquiry with Jarvis assured him that Tony was alright. He was surprised to hear that Tony was asleep as opposed to working out his demons on an engineering binge, but it made more sense when JARVIS elaborated that James Rhodes had come to stay with Tony. Loki was immensely grateful - if Tony couldn't come to him for comfort, Loki was glad that his Tony was with someone who would care for him like a brother. Loki remembered Rhodey as a good man, and he almost relished the anger the protective colonel would no doubt direct towards him. Loki had earned it many times over for his bungled attempt at caring for those he loved, and he knew that neither Harry nor Tony had punished him like he deserved for the pain they suffered because of Loki's choices.

Throughout the night, Loki did his best to master himself. It was very strange to have both sides of him suddenly forced into one head, and Loki found himself flicking between them. Since regaining his memory, his role as a father and partner had shoved his Loki-born emotional reservations to the side so he could love his family like they needed, the way he'd always hoped Odin would someday come to care for him. That conviction, to be a good father for Harry and a good partner for Tony, was what kept him from giving in to the wild bouts of rage that continually swept through him. The same rage Thanos had tapped into was now singularly focused on the dangers and abusers his son had faced in his short, precious life. And Loki absolutely counted himself among those responsible for Harry's pain, considering all of the ways he failed his family. If he wasn't adamant that he stay with his son, he would have followed that rage and strangled Dumbledore twelve times over by now.  

Considering the emotional availability of his two lifetimes, Loki was tempted to dive fully into his habits and tendencies from his life as James. However, Loki knew his son needed more than that. After all, if his "James" side was enough for his son, he would have been able to keep all of them safe on that Halloween fifteen years ago. He had been overpowered by Voldemort and manipulated by Dumbledore. No, a mortal man was not good enough for his incredible child. Harry needed to be safe, and Loki was one of the most powerful beings in the universe, a god. Loki had led armies, battled monsters, negotiated treaties, and mastered ancient arts. Now, all of it felt like he was preparing to protect the family he had yet to meet. He had already died for his son, and now he would do everything in his considerable power to live for him and destroy all obstacles on Harry's path to a happy, healthy life. So, as he grappled with his two selves, Loki grounded himself in thoughts of his family and tried to find some stability as he recalled the previous day.

His beautiful Harry. Loki still couldn't believe that he'd found his son. A son he didn't remember before yesterday but loved with his every atom even with those memories obscured. There had been a hole in his heart for over a decade that Loki couldn't fathom or heal, but now, knowing he had a child out here waiting for him, the feeling made sense. Just thinking about Harry made his eyes mist over. 

How could it be possible to love a person this much? Loki had only had the pleasure of being in his son's company for a few hours, but he already overflowed with pride for Harry, and blinding grief for his tarnished childhood. Harry was so good in ways that Loki knew he would never measure up to. His son was a defender of the people, a voice in the wizarding world against bigotry and genocide, a savior and a hero.

But titles and celebrity meant little in the face of what he'd seen in his son. He was better than heroic; Harry was kind. Loki had no idea how he would react to facing a father he thought lost, but it likely would be both destructive and petty. Harry, though, had such beautiful empathy even when he was struggling. Loki had seen it in the way that Harry tried to comfort both Loki and Tony yesterday when they were overwhelmed, and how he had offered Loki mental privacy by allowing him to choose who could view his memories. He'd even stopped Tony from yelling at Loki (deservedly, in Loki's opinion) so that he could give them more context and absolve Loki of some of his wrongs. Loki stood in awe of his son's character, marveling at how he'd taken the cruelty the world had dealt him and, instead of becoming jaded, let it inspire him to protect others from experiencing the same. 

And by the norns, was his little serpent brave. Loki was an ancient being compared to his son, but even with over two thousand years being hardened to the dark realities of the universe, Loki wouldn't have been able to face the vivid memory of Lily's death if Harry hadn't needed it from him. Gods, the fact that Harry remembered that night was devastating, but it just proved to Loki again how brave he was. He was strong enough to take the chance that Loki was telling the truth and endured something horrible to find out. Then, when he knew that they were telling the truth, he'd reached out, giving them cautious, hopeful signs that he was open to their presence in his life. It took an incredible amount of courage to be vulnerable like that - Loki of all the beings in the universe would know. Not to mention all of the adventures he'd alluded to throughout the evening where he'd jumped into action when someone was in trouble. Harry was just so selfless, and so strong.

How could his little starlight even look at Loki after being left to suffer all of that alone? Loki had no illusions that he would ever be worthy of his son, but he would try nonetheless to be what he deserved.

And Tony. Oh stars, if there was anyone else that deserved to hate Loki for all eternity it was Tony. He'd missed the man so much before his death, in the time after they'd left him behind. Tony had slotted into their relationship perfectly; he matched their impulsivity, could keep up with Lily's mind and gave James someone to fuss over when he didn't take care of himself (though Loki would never admit to being the mother hen of their group). James and Tony were both adrenaline junkies, and Lily and Tony had that same energy that could command a room and cow an opponent into submission. The three of them were a whirlwind of chaos and passion, a coming together of softness and fire that rested on a foundation of unconditional love. They were perfect, the three of them together.

And how did Loki honor that? He left Tony behind, knowing the man's insecurities about attachment but convincing himself they would return soon. Loki allowed himself to be manipulated by Dumbledore and he never got to apologize for how he ruined something beautiful. Tony's words kept ringing in his head.

"So instead you left me? James, you had to know how that would crush me." 

"...the two people I let further into my life than anyone else had decided that I wasn’t worth it anymore."

Loki was gutted by the distance Tony had placed between them, but he had no right to expect anything more. It was a miracle the man hadn't attacked him right away when Loki had shown him the face of James on the helicarrier, the one he still wore. If time and space was what Tony needed, then that was what Loki would provide, no matter how much it killed him inside. Of course, he would go out of his way to show Tony he was sorry, that he had learned from his mistakes and would never intentionally cause him harm, but even if Tony never took him back, Loki would love him in whatever way he was permitted. As a friend, as a co-parent. Gods, the mere thought was torture, but he had earned every ounce of this pain, and nothing could hurt as much as leaving his love again.

By Urd, Verdande, and Skuld, how could Loki ever fix all that he had broken?*

All night, Loki lamented the pain his family had suffered and cursed those responsible, himself included. It wasn't until the first rays of dawn had begun to stretch across the thick carpet that Loki pulled himself together and settled on the end of his bed, one ankle crossed over the other knee and staring off into the middle distance as he thought hard.

He had failed before, but he would not allow himself to fail again. He had a second chance with the two brightest spots in his life, and he would do everything in his power to keep his family whole. He'd be better, for them.

He needed to take out the threats posed by Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Thanos. He needed to make sure his child was given the time and resources to heal, beyond the physical. And, if they would allow him, Loki would prove to Harry and Tony both that he can be trusted to stay and love them as they deserve. 

There was so much he owed them, so much to arrange and prepare. 

So, Loki schemed.

Loki was startled out of his planning about two hours later, when JARVIS's measured tone interrupted his thoughts.

"Mr. Odinson, Harry has asked that I inform all tower residents that he has made breakfast, and he invites everyone to partake."

Loki smiled. How was he in any way responsible for creating such a sweet child? Anxious to see his son, he teleported to the hall leading into the common kitchen on the Avengers floor. He stepped quickly in his eagerness, but paused in the shadows just out of sight when he heard voices in the kitchen. He glanced around the corner to see what was happening.

Thor was seated beside Steve Rogers on the closer side of a very large kitchen island with a marble countertop. The entire bench was covered with food that let off soft, welcoming waves of delicious smelling steam. Loki could sense a slight layer of magic over the food, likely a preservation spell of some sort. Loki didn't care about that though as his eyes skipped past all of it to land on Harry, who was standing against the far counter on the other side of the island. The child's arms were crossed tightly in a protective gesture, but he was leaning forward, face open and fairly friendly. It was a marked improvement from the open distrust and unease of yesterday. It rankled Loki a bit that it was Thor soothing Harry's unease, but Loki had thought long and hard last night about his brother. They had a contentious history with wrongs on both sides, but he knew Thor loved him and, if he was honest with himself, Loki loved Thor too. So he would swallow his insecurities about Thor's popularity, because Harry deserved every bit of loving family he could find, and even at his least charitable Loki knew that Thor would be an enthusiastic and earnest uncle.

It was Thor who continued the conversation Loki had stumbled on, and Loki had to remind himself that he wanted the two to connect. In the face of it, though, Loki was more agitated than he could proudly admit, watching Harry look to Thor with a lightness Loki hadn't yet received.

"So Nephew, this sport is played high in the air with equipment designed to maim and unseat the players?"

Ah, quidditch. Loki loved quidditch, and he was excited to share that with his son.

Harry smiled at Thor, a bit indulgent and amused. "Well, there's a bit more to it than that, but yeah, that's true."

Loki tensed at the booming chuckles Thor let out in response. Thor was just so easygoing and fun. What would he do if Harry preferred him?

A stupid question. It would be brutal, but if Thor made Harry happy, then Loki would make sure Thor was around.

Steve had a furrowed brow at Harry's agreement. "That sounds pretty dangerous for a school sport."

"Nonsense!" Thor interjected with a hearty slap to the man's shoulder. "I have never heard of a finer game! I'm sure such antics would be widely enjoyed on Asgard." He turned to Harry with the bright expression of an excited puppy. "Might we see you play?"

Harry looked awkward but pleased with Thor's interest. If Loki had to guess, it looked like he was trying not to get excited.

"Oh, er," Harry scratched his nose, leaning back but offering a hesitant grin. "I could teach you all how to play if we get some brooms, I guess. But I won't be playing with my team until the school year starts again, and that's ages away."

"Then we shall come to those exhibitions once you are at school!"

"Oh." Harry blinked, eyes blank in surprise before he ducked his head. "Yeah, um, if you want to."

It was the unfiltered surprise that made Loki take an automatic step into the room. Harry was apparently shocked, truly shocked, that Thor planned to attend his game several months away. Loki fought down the fantasies of violence against Dumbledore and the Dursleys once more as he walked forward, staying focused on the desperate need to reassure his child that he would see and know them far into the future, that they wouldn't leave him behind again. Loki spoke to draw attention to himself.

"I can't wait to watch you play, love."

Harry's eyes whipped over to him. His son was instantly more guarded and uncomfortable, but also gazing much more intently. Loki easily allowed his very real excitement to shine through, hoping that Harry could see the pride and love there in his eyes. It would take time for Loki to earn Harry's trust, especially since he had more to prove than the others, so he pushed ruthlessly against his instincts to close off in the face of scrutiny. The only way to build the relationship he desperately longed for with his child was being open about his feelings and following through on his words.

His earnestness seemed to come across, at least Loki thought so. It might have been wishful thinking, but Loki was almost positive that he'd seen the corner of Harry's mouth quirk upward before the boy turned back to the stove to fiddle with something in the pan there that smelled exquisite.

Harry cleared his throat, and then turned back to face Loki, meeting his eyes and quirking an eyebrow with a carefully neutral expression. "Well, to hear Sirius tell it, you'd be excited to watch any match."

Loki laughed lightly, ignoring the pang in his chest at the mention of his Midgardian brother. "Of course I would. Watching quidditch is one of the best things in the world, right behind playing quidditch." Harry huffed lightly, and Loki felt warmth in his chest. Should he be embarrassed that such a small gesture made him so giddy? It didn't feel small though; any indication that Harry gave to Loki of a growing relationship felt like a treasure. "But it would be endlessly more thrilling to see my son on the pitch. I'm sure you're a fantastic seeker."

Harry blushed, and finally Loki was graced with his little one's smile. An intentional one, soft and hesitant but real and meant for him. Because Loki had told Harry that he cared about his interests and wanted to support him. 

Loki could just melt.

He returned the grin with one twice as wide. "You know, Remus always told me I was destined to be a horribly over excited quidditch parent. He's wrong, of course, because you can't be too excited for quidditch." Loki's expression turned a little mischievous, a softer version of the chaotic smirk he was known for. He would always be soft for Harry. "I imagine that you'd be thrilled to find Tony, Thor, and me in the stands with painted faces, giant posters, and a megaphone to cheer you on and boo the opposing team?"

Harry's eyes sparkled with humor even as he kept a deadpan expression. His words were just a dry. "You mean you won't show up in pleated skirts and pompoms and start leading cheers from the edge of the pitch?"

Loki outright laughed at that. "I would wager that I'd look quite dashing in a cheerleading uniform."

Harry finally laughed as well, as did Thor and Steve. The other god finally spoke, bellowing as he was known to do at any given moment.

"Good morning brother! It is good of you to join us!"

Loki couldn't help but notice the way Harry stiffened at the loud volume, taking what was probably an unconscious step away from his thunderous brother even if the child gave Thor a friendly look in the next moment. That sort of reaction, Loki knew, was the kind born from repeated violence against a person, and he felt crushed once again by the weight of his unforgivable absence in Harry's life. His little serpent was triggered by loud voices; nothing had ever made Loki feel so angry, so heartbroken, so worthless. He wasn't the only one to see the flinch for what it was, and the room seemed to actually dim a bit at the sharp reminder of what must have been Harry's reality before coming here. Thor looked crushed (which he should, the vindictive part of Loki thought, because his son had been scared enough in his short, traumatic life), and Harry looked both embarrassed and apologetic.

Loki had to take a deep breath to calm the now familiar twitch in his hands as he imagined strangling Dursley before he spoke at a much more reasonable volume, not ever looking away from Harry. He decided to move past the incident, as Harry looked clearly mortified, and Loki knew his son was unlikely to open up about his trauma in any meaningful way when they were still so new to one another. So he responded to Thor's greeting.

"Good morning, Thor."

Loki took slow deliberate steps over to the far side of the island, standing close to Harry but not crowding his space.

"Did you sleep well, Harry?"

Harry cleared his throat, his expression having been schooled into that detestable blank mask as Loki had moved toward him. Loki was horrified to realize that Harry probably expected some kind of physical repercussion for his reaction to Thor and feared Loki's nearness. Before Loki could figure out some way to make him feel safe, Harry spoke.

"I slept fine, thank you."

Harry had turned away from all of them, moving mechanically to tend to the food still on the stove. As he turned off the burners and plated the last of it, Loki shot Thor a short, withering glare and scrambled for some way to lighten the room again.

Harry beat him to it.

He turned again with the now full plates, adding them to the kitchen island as he gave Loki a stiff but genuinely open look. 

"I wanted to make breakfast for you all to thank you for coming to find me. You're welcome to eat as much as you like, I can make more."

Loki smiled, sad and anxious but equally endeared by his resilient, generous boy.

"There is no need to thank us, Harry. I should have come long ago." Loki sat down and gave what he hoped was a welcoming look. "Everything smells incredible. Have you eaten yet? I'd love the chance to share a meal with you, darling."

Harry seemed both surprised and oddly emotional at the words. Loki assumed it was the endearment that caused such an intense reaction, which was quite true, but what he didn't know was that Harry was remembering all the times he'd ever been sent away from the kitchen without food or sat down to eat with the Dursleys amidst glares and grumbles. Loki had just given him a gift of inclusion and care he never knew to crave, and Harry blushed at the way he wanted to cry in the face of it.

Loki beamed when Harry, instead of responding, came and sat beside him. It was a bit awkward and new for both of them, but when Harry turned and smiled slightly at Loki, he felt like something in him healed a little bit. 

Loki would do his damnedest to keep that smile there. His beautiful son deserved every ounce of love and happiness Loki could provide, and that moment felt like a tiny, unfathomably significant step toward the trust Loki hoped to earn from him.

There was a thousand miles left to go, but the inch he'd earned in this small interaction had Loki grinning.