Where Tony really has to admit that he's a crier
Tony was nervous.
Everyone had quickly disembarked from the jet when Clint touched down on the roof at about 11:30 EST. After Loki sent Harry’s things to his room with a snap, Fury and Coulson bid the others goodnight and left the building while Tony had led the rest of them to the elevator. He couldn't help chattering to vent his anxiety, going on about renovations and things he’d add for each of them since he was redoing so much of the tower anyway after the invasion. He talked mainly to Harry as he spoke, but with Tony’s own tiredness and overwhelm in the way, he couldn’t really read much behind the kid’s blank mask aside from exhaustion. Harry seemed to be moving kind of on autopilot, vigilant but distant as he stuck close to Lupin, undoubtedly feeling the most comfortable with him.
Tony wasn’t jealous, absolutely not. Starks didn’t do jealous. Honestly, he really was glad his kid had someone to hold onto right now. Tony just kind of wanted it to be him.
(Which was an extremely weird feeling. Tony remembered telling Pepper once that if he'd rather have a colonoscopy live streamed to millions of people than be saddled with a brat, so forgive him for being a bit shocked by the intense attachment he'd already formed to the kid.)
But anyway, Tony's strange envy was a problem for another time. He had the elevator take them to the floor just below his penthouse, a space designed for guests. It had a cluster of bedrooms, a large living room, and a very expansive kitchen that was kept stocked for any last minute overnighters. There were eight rooms on this floor, definitely enough for the five members of his new superhero boy band.
“Alright, like I said, I’m going to be redesigning some stuff so don’t get too comfortable where you’re at, but for the next few days this floor will be where Spangles, Jolly Green, Point Break, and the spy twins will sleep. There's no food in my place, so the rest of us will meet you down here for breakfast at some point in the morning.” When no one moved out of the elevator, he gave them a winning smile, going for confident charm to mask his anxiety and general overwhelm. God, feelings were such a hassle. “I don’t know if you need a bedtime story and a kiss goodnight, but you’re not getting that from me. Get out of my elevator and fight amongst yourselves for the best rooms.”
Clint snorted and stepped off with a careless wave over his shoulder, immediately followed by Natasha who tipped Tony a nod and Bruce who offered a quiet thanks. Steve also nodded, giving him an empathetic smile that Tony appreciated, even if the guy still annoyed him (thanks for the baggage, Howard). On his way out, Thor slapped his shoulder hard enough to let Tony know that the god needed a lesson on human breakability, pronto. Before he found a room, Thor turned around and addressed the elevator. He was only slightly quieter than normal when he spoke, but there was more softness in his expression than Tony would have expected from the guy.
“Nephew, brother, Tony, if any of you have need of me before the morning, please don’t hesitate to seek me out. We are family, and this has been a trying day for us all, but the three of you especially.” He turned a happily inquisitive look to Tony. “Your ceiling servant will be able to alert me if I am required, yes?”
Tony gave a little huff at ‘ceiling servant', but he smiled at Thor. For all his royal Shakespearean mannerisms and love of fighting, Thor really was a pretty sensitive guy. “Yeah buddy, JARVIS can tell you if anyone asks for you and where to find them.”
Thor grinned widely, nodding in satisfaction as he said a final goodnight and went off to bed like the others.
As the elevator doors closed, Tony glanced at a confused Harry and Remus before checking on James. He seemed to be fighting to hide a slight fondness in his eyes as he turned away from where Thor had disappeared and looked to their son.
“I believe that it’s time we all rested as well,” James intoned gently as he smiled at Harry, then at Tony. “Where are we heading, Tony?”
JARVIS spoke up before Tony needed to. “You have arrived at the penthouse floor.”
Harry and Remus both tensed and looked up at the ceiling at the sound of the voice.
Tony was quick to try and put them at ease. "Don't worry, that's just JARVIS, he's an AI that I built. He knows almost everything and can help with anything you need, like ordering stuff or finding something or whatever. He has cameras and speakers everywhere so you can talk to him no matter where you are in the tower."
Harry looked thoughtful. "Hello, JARVIS."
"Hello, Mr. Potter. It's a pleasure to make the acquaintance of my younger brother."
The kid smiled at that, and raised an inquisitive brow at the camera he had spotted in the corner of the elevator. "I have a sibling, then? I've always wanted an older brother. Please, call me Harry."
"Of course, Harry."
"Well, I don't know much about having siblings," Harry shifted his gaze to Tony, gaining a bit of wary nervousness beneath his mischievous smirk, "but I'd imagine that I can count on you to help me play some pranks on Tony and the others."
Ah, he'd been worried about repercussions for acting out. Tony made sure to show his own amusement and fondness clearly in his expression as JARVIS responded.
"According to the 643 sources I've referenced, brotherly bonding activities often include practical jokes and parental antagonization. I would be happy to assist you in any schemes you enact, Harry."
There was a cozy sort of warm glow in Tony's chest at the interaction. He'd always thought of JARVIS as a son, a being he created and nurtured as he grew, but hearing him claim the title of brother and bond with Harry was giving him hope for this whole situation.
Remus shook his head in mock admonishment at the prank planning, Loki smiled brightly, and Harry laughed a bit and winked at the ceiling as JARVIS finally opened the doors to the new floor.
The group stepped out and Tony’s nerves hit him full force again as everyone glanced around the open floor plan common area of the penthouse. He was rarely nervous about anything, but showing Harry his home, where the kid would be living from here on out? After he’d been forced to grow up in a fucking cupboard and then locked in what can only be called a cell upstairs? That put a shit ton of pressure on this moment. Tony knew the place looked nice, but it was all modern and angular, chrome and black and glass finishings with stiff furniture. That kind of thing was fine when Tony spent most of his time in his lab, but he wanted Harry to have a home like the one from the memory they watched of James and Lily playing with the baby. Warmer, cozier, not the pretentious modern art shit that he let Pepper fill the place with.
It felt all wrong if he wanted Harry to feel comfortable there, so he did what he did best and talked as he led them toward the hall on the other side of the space.
“I let Pepper do most of the decorating in here, and damn did that woman have some fun with my credit cards. I always thought it looked more like an art exhibit than a living room, but we’re scrapping the whole thing for the remodel anyway, so I’ll make it better. I’m thinking reds and golds, because of Iron Man obviously and your school house, what was it, Gryffindor? The brave one, right? Of course you're in the brave house, you're a badass, not to mention my kid. Anyway, you three will have to let me know what kind of things you want in here and your rooms so we can make sure it gets added. I asked Pepper to make up a couple bedrooms for the three of you so let me show you. They’re just over here.”
James was smiling softly when Tony looked back at him, a sort of nostalgic amusement in his eyes from Tony’s ranting that made him blush and turn away quickly so as to not make even more of a fool of himself. Remus was looking mildly surprised, probably at being included in the renovation plans, but he was clearly considered family by Tony’s family, so the guy should have a place to feel comfortable too. Harry’s eyes were a bit wide, and the slightest edge of uneasiness had crept in alongside the exhaustion. Tony had no idea what it was from, and didn’t have time to figure it out before he’d led them to the first room.
“This one is for Wolfy McWerewolf over there. Honestly, do you think that guy bit you because of your name? Because it seems like it would have been a waste of irony if you had a name like yours and didn’t wolf out somehow.”
Harry coughed a bit, unsuccessfully trying to hide a snort of amusement, but James gave a full laugh while Remus had a patiently tired eyebrow quirked up, looking very unimpressed. Tony noted the slight amusement in his eyes though, so he figured he wasn't in trouble yet.
“You don’t seem to have much problem with the lycanthropy situation.”
Tony waved a dismissive hand as he twisted the doorknob. “I’m literally housing a man who turns into a giant, unkillable green monster when he’s pissed. I’m not one to judge, and James says you’ve got your shit together and there's that potion to keep you sane, so there’s nothing to worry about.”
The surprise from earlier was back, with quite a bit of open relief and gratitude on his face as well. Tony turned and opened the door to the room without going in, so he almost missed Harry murmur under his breath to the bookish man, something about 'why are you still expecting to be hated, Mooney, honestly’.
“You’ve got everything you need in there, bathroom and closet and desk and whatnot. Make yourself at home. Ask JARVIS if you need anything, he has speakers and microphones in all the rooms so you can talk to him. There are cameras in the bedroom that you can request he disable and there are some in the bathroom that only activate in the event of an emergency. Sweet dreams, Clifford, see ya later.”
Tony stepped away toward the next door on the same side of the hall. He waited a moment as James squeezed Remus's shoulder silently before he followed, and Harry gave him a quick, tight smile, asked a low question, and then briefly hugged the man before turning away and joining Tony and James. Remus disappeared and Tony focused again on Harry’s face. He seemed a bit more tense after the separation, which Tony reminded himself was reasonable in a new place, parting from the only person he actually knows. Anyway, Loki gave his own slightly tense smile and Tony nodded a bit to himself before he spoke again.
Why the fuck was he so nervous?
“Alright, I figured you’d want to be close to Teen Wolf back there because you know him best, though of course you’re always welcome to come find me, JARVIS can let you know where I am, and James too I bet,” he glanced over for confirmation to find James nodding earnestly at the kid, “right, James too, so don’t feel like you need to worry about waking us or whatever. I just thought it would be more comfortable if you were near someone you’re familiar with. So this one is yours. If there’s anything wrong or anything else you need, let me know, okay?”
Harry gave a small nod, a bit wary and a lot tense, so Tony didn’t really expect him to ask for anything. Kid probably never had someone help him get things he needed, let alone wanted.
He gave a sigh, trying to release his own nerves. “Alright, let’s go in.”
Tony opened the door again and stepped inside, turning to take in Harry’s reaction as he entered the room just before James.
The five guest suites on Tony’s floor were all designed very similarly, so Tony was sure that it felt a bit like an expensive hotel: high quality but impersonal. Immediately to the left upon entering were two doors that stood open to show an empty walk-in closet, mostly black and silver, and a large bathroom done in white marble and chrome finishings. There was a king sized bed against the wall they entered through, covered in soft navy blue sheets, a large white duvet and a few of those decorative pillows on top. A black upholstered bench sat at the foot of the bed with Harry’s teleported trunk and bird cage resting on it, and the whole sleeping setup faced a small sitting area with two armchairs and a two-seater couch in the center of the room along the far wall. A tiny kitchenette in the same chrome-blue-black theme was tucked behind one of the armchairs in the corner furthest from the door. The floors were a deep blue carpet, and there was some random stuff from the art collection Pepper had curated hanging around.
The thing that caught the breath in Tony’s chest was the wall across from the bed, made entirely of glass. It was a common feature in his home here, being that they were in a high rise overlooking New York City, but the view was something he’d taken for granted before.
Now when he looked at the sprawl of Central Park and the surrounding skyscrapers Harry would wake up to every day, Tony just saw the tiny fucking closet his son had lived in for ten years. He must have gotten so hot in there in the summers, so cold in the winter. Nothing to look at but spider covered walls and the underside of a staircase. He probably spent hours or even days with nothing to look at but splintering wood and darkness.
Fuck.
Tony felt his nails digging into his palms again as he ripped his mind from where it was slowly circling the drain of irrepressible devastation. Focusing, he watched as Harry looked around the room. The kid's eyes were a bit wide, shoulders tense, and it looked like his hands were tapping out some kind of anxious rhythm against his thighs as he slowly spun to take everything in. Harry turned to Tony quickly once their eyes met. His discomfort and fatigue were still incredibly clear despite the self deprecating smirk he wore when he said his next words spoke up.
“This is way too much, Tony. You may not have put this together, but I happen to be most familiar with smaller spaces.”
Tony was almost glad that Harry was distracted from him in the next moment so he could let the anger flash quickly across his face before he shoved it away. Harry’s eyes had flicked over to where James was standing, observing the way he’d stiffened completely at the reminder of Harry’s treatment before the kid met Tony’ eyes again. The dark humor in his son’s face was gone now, a blank mask in its place, and Tony tried not to react to the way Harry took a tiny, almost unnoticeable step away from them at their harsh reactions.
Tony swallowed every word banging at the inside of clenched teeth to get out, and gave a joking response, hoping he’d hidden the worst of his grief.
“Harry, if I am known for anything, it is living my life with excess, which includes having very large suites in my house. Not to mention, you deserve your own space to feel comfortable in, and that little shoebox room you had back in Surrey sure wasn’t cutting it. Pepper will be really excited for an excuse to redecorate, so start thinking about what you want to do with it, okay?” Harry gave a worried frown, clearly about to deny the need for any more effort on his behalf (probably trying no to feel like a burden so they were less likely to lash out at them, Tony’s too-quick mind helpfully pointed out), so Tony rushed over the lump in his throat and gave a roguish wink. “Believe me, she’s unstoppable once she’s got a project. Resistance is futile, and none of us will have any peace until she gets to have her fun.”
Harry seemed sort of confused at that (and maybe a little concerned? Tony really wasn’t sure if he had a good read on his son’s microexpressions yet) but he gave an uncertain nod.
Tony clapped his hands lightly, feeling guilty at the kid’s nearly imperceptible flinch. “Well, mini Merlin, I’m sure you’re ready to jump in the sack, so we’ll leave you to it. Like I said to Remmy back there, JARVIS is here whenever you want him and we’ll both be right down the hall a couple doors, so please come find us if you need anything.”
James next to him stepped forward a bit. “Sleep well, Harry. We’ll see you for breakfast in the morning, alright?”
Harry gave them both a polite, if uncomfortable smile and nodded without saying anything else.
Tony decided to take a risk, and crossed the three steps over to where the kid was standing all tense and awkward. He raised a hand, not slow enough to be weird but definitely paced so Harry could see it clearly, and brought his arm around the kid’s shoulders in a loose, short side hug.
“See you in the morning, tesoro.”
Harry’s smile had somehow become more genuine and stressed simultaneously, which Tony took as a win. The kid wasn’t going to trust touch very quickly, he knew that, but the fact that he wasn’t just experiencing anxiety meant a lot.
His kid was so fucking brave to still want to connect with people after all the shit he’d seen from life.
Tony backed away and placed a hand on James’ arm as they both moved toward the door, still facing Harry. With one last awkward wave from the kid, they left and closed the door behind them before Tony guided them a bit down the hall. He only stopped when they were facing each other outside of the room across from his own.
Tony tightened his grip on James’ arm as he just stood there for a moment, taking breaths that scratched his throat like sandpaper and heartbreak. When he finally looked up, James was staring at him with so much emotion that Tony didn’t even try to fathom it right then.
James glanced at the open room, clearly another guest suite, and then returned his resigned and regretful gaze to Tony. He let out a near whisper. "I suppose we aren't to share a bed, then."
Honestly, he was so overwhelmed and exhausted and wired and anxious and all the other things that it felt like his head was screaming at him to just find a bottle of scotch to crawl inside of. Tony sighed, his gaze landing on James' knee in an unfocused sort of way as he began.
“I’m too tired right now to be anything but brutally honest, James. When you and Lily left me all those years ago, you broke me. I never recovered, I didn’t even really try. I fell back into booze and blow and slept with anyone who looked at me twice so I wouldn’t have to sit with the knowledge that the two people I let further into my life than anyone else had decided that I wasn’t worth it anymore.”
Tony felt James move as if to come closer, so he let go of James' arm, stepping away and placing a hand in the air between them. He finally met James’ horrified expression.
“I know that’s not what happened. I know that’s not why you left. But up until this morning the only thing I knew for sure was that if you loved me as much as I loved you, you wouldn’t have left me behind. It’s more complicated than that, but I need to work out what I’m feeling. I got swept away this morning in the emotional upheaval of getting you back and finding out that you still wanted me, but now that I have all the information, I’m going to need some time and some space to sort it out and see where I stand with you.”
During this speech, James’ expression had retained the devastation, though guilt, pain, and resignation had reappeared as well. Tony forced himself not to step back into his arms as he continued.
“I know I still love you. But right now, I’m pissed that you left. I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me I had a kid. I’m pissed that you got to be there when he was born and watch him grow in his first year and get to know him and I didn’t. I’m mad as fucking hell that Sirius Black didn’t stick around to keep him safe after you died. Even if most of it wasn’t your fault, I’m still mad about it, and I need to sort that out because Harry doesn’t deserve that sort of unresolved resentment in his family. He’s the most important thing, and all of my emotional energy has to go to him.” Tony’s eyes fell to the floor again. “I had a shit father, and I have no idea how to be any better than Howard but I can’t be another person who lets Harry down, James. He’s seen too much already. And I should have been there to keep him safe, but I wasn’t, so I’m going to make damn fucking sure that I keep him safe now.”
When Tony finally met James’ eyes again, his gut twisted at the tear tracks and the pained sort of smile he saw there before the man spoke.
“Tony, you’re already a wonderful father. I’ve always known you would be.” James took a shaky, fortifying breath before continuing. “I know we hurt you, elskan min, I’m so sorry that we ever left you at all. We were young and foolish and we felt invincible, so we thought it would only be a short while before we could come back to you safely. If I hadn’t been so arrogant to think we would be immune to the violence of the war, then we would have stayed and we could have made our family with you and none of this would have happened. I don’t ever expect forgiveness from you, I don’t think I deserve it, but I will do everything in my power to prove that I will never leave you or Harry again. If you decide that I’ve wounded you too greatly to ever allow me to hold you again, I will respect that. Harry comes first, it’s true, and I know that no matter what you decide about our relationship, we will both protect him with our lives from now on.”
Tony nodded quickly, jaw clenched and hands clasped behind his back as he stepped away, back down the hall the way they’d come. He gestured to the door with his chin. “That’s your room. JARVIS will be able to help you if you need anything. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Before James could respond, Tony had already turned and sped away into the elevator.
JARVIS didn’t need to be told where to go before closing the doors and traveling quickly to Tony’s favorite floor. The soft whoosh of the elevator opening into Tony’s personal lab was a balm that soothed some of the tension from his shoulders, even if they began to tremble with the release.
Instead of losing himself in a project as he might do on another anxious night, Tony went straight to the cabinet in the far corner of the room. He pulled out a small framed photo and dropped down onto the faded old couch he’d had since college that sat against the back wall of the lab.
His fingers shook a bit as he looked at the picture in his hands. It was from one of his last days with the Potters, a rainy day where they all curled up and watched a movie. They were smiling lazily at the camera, all tangled together under the blanket and content. Tony had put most of his mementos of their time together in storage, but this one picture was a favorite of his, and he kept it close so he could look at it on the darker days, when he missed them too much.
Tony hadn’t been lying when he told James that he’d been broken after they left. He became an addict in the truest sense, not just the partier he’d been before, and it was only Rhodey and Pepper kicking him in the ass that got him into rehab and on a better track. He was completely sober now, and his resolve had never been as tested as it was today; he’d literally been daydreaming about swimming in scotch all day.
Part of the deal Tony had made with Rhodey when he left rehab all those years ago was that he had to call his brother when he thought he might go out and buy a drink. A failsafe, because Tony knew his self control was shit but he could master himself if it meant he didn’t disappoint Rhodey. So, all Tony had to do was give a little glance toward the camera in the corner of the room and a small nod before JARVIS was dialing his Honeybear.
Rhodey picked up the call from the StarkWatch Tony had given him after the second ring, his scowling face hanging on a holographic screen in the air in front of Tony on the couch.
“Anthony Edward Stark, do not tell me that you waited almost three days to call me after flying a nuclear fucking missile into a hole in the sky.”
Ah. Well, shit.
“Platypus! It’s so good to hear your voice! How are you? Is the weather nice where you’re at?”
Rhodey looked unimpressed. “Three days, Tony. What the hell?”
“Aw, don’t be like that, Honeybear! I sent you a text!”
Rhodey scoffed, and pulled out his phone from his pocket. “Yeah, I got a very informative and reassuring text from you right after the news feed was cut that said ‘not dead, call you soon’.”
Tony sighed. Normally, he’d quip and banter a little more, but he really didn’t have it in him today. “I’m sorry Rhodey. I didn’t want to deal with it just yet, so I avoided you, and now today has been … rough.”
Rhodey immediately shifted from pissed to concerned, and stared at Tony through the screen. His eyes roamed everywhere, taking in the dark bags Tony knew he had under his eyes to the slumped posture to the picture that Rhodey would recognize clutched in his hands.
“Tones, one to ten, what’s your craving level?”
Tony choked up a bit, and couldn’t look Rhodey in the eye when he answered. “Eleven.”
His head shot up when he heard the sound of a suit firing up over the speaker. The visual for the call had already switched to the HUD in the War Machine armor.
“Okay Tones, hold tight, I’m on my way. I’m in DC right now helping to coordinate the aftermath so I can be there in 30 minutes, 40 tops. I’m gonna stay on the call with you the whole way, okay?”
Tony released a shaky breath. He had no idea what he’d do without Rhodey. No, he knew, he’d have died of a cocaine overdose fifteen years ago, and then he never would have met his son.
“Thanks Honeybear. I owe you one.”
Rhodey sounded fondly exasperated, even if it didn’t do anything to cover up the heavy concern. “You don’t owe me anything, Tones. Brothers are there for each other, that’s all there is to it.” He seemed to take a breath, the barest hint of whooshing air in the background of the call to suggest he was already flying toward New York. “Now, do you want to tell me what’s going on right now, or do you want some distraction until I can get there?”
“Distract me, please.”
Rhodey didn’t question it, just started talking about a disaster of a dinner he’d had with some senator’s personal assistant. Tony felt himself slowly relaxing, being lulled by the comfort of Rhodey’s familiar voice and the normalcy of a bad date. He was still at the breaking point, but the panic of it was leaving so he was left with the grief, guilt, and pain. Before he knew it, the door to the lab was opening and Rhodey was stepping inside, his armor unfolding around him as he walked quickly to where Tony still sat on the couch.
Crouching in front of him, Rhodey put a hand on Tony’s shoulder, no doubt noting the heavy emotion still on his face and the way he gripped the picture in his hand like a lifeline. “Hey, Tones.”
Tony cracked a small, teary smile. “Hey Rhodey.”
Rhodey rose up a bit to settle beside him on the couch. Tony didn’t even think before he rested his head on Rhodey’s shoulder, basking in the safety of it when he felt his brother’s arm circle around him. “Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
Tony felt the dam break. He just started talking, explaining everything from the moment Coulson showed up in his penthouse a week ago with a portfolio on an alien stealing the tesseract up until now, shared every detail that happened up until he called. It took an hour to get through the whole thing, and Rhodey just held him and rubbed circles in his back when he ended on how much he wanted to drown himself in glenlivet to cope with all of it.
When he finished, Rhodey pulled him even closer, both arms holding him in a secure embrace. “I’m so proud of you Tones. That’s a shit ton of crap for anyone to deal with, and you called me instead of going out for a drink.”
Tony tensed in his brother’s grasp. “He’s just so brave, Rhodey. He’s been hurt so much and I can’t add any more to it. I couldn’t do that to Harry. I couldn’t be Howard.”
Rhodey immediately pulled back and held Tony at arm’s length, but before he even had time to worry, Rhodey had a hand on the back of his neck and was looking him straight in the eye. He’d never looked more serious in all his life.
“Tony, you listen to me right now. You will never, ever be Howard Stark. You found out today that you had a kid and you immediately went to find him. You knew how much it hurt you that your dad was so closed off and apathetic, so you did the brave thing and you were open with the kid about what you were feeling and what you wanted, even if that scared you. You found out he was being hurt and you brought him somewhere safe and you’re already making plans to make the people who hurt him pay. You wanted to break your sobriety but you called me instead so you could be there for him if Harry needed you.” Rhodey gave his shoulders a small shake. “You are already a much better man than Howard ever was. You’re a good father Tony, and I’ll be here every step of the way to help you be there for my nephew. You’re not alone, Tones, I got you.”
Tony’s last remaining shred of self control fled as he finally let go completely. He fell back into his brother’s waiting arms and cried. He poured out all the grief over the time he lost with his family, and all the pain over the innocence stolen from his kid. He let out all the fear over the things that were coming for Harry from the wizarding world and for all of them from the other side of the universe. He cried over the panic of being a good father and the painful hope that he’d finally have one of the loves of his life back.
Rhodey held him through all of it, and by the time they both fell asleep there on the couch, Tony knew one thing. With Rhodey there, he wasn’t going to fail his son.