Sometimes the Narrator Can't Hold Back. Find It in Yourselves to Forgive Them
There is a world in which James Sirius Potter never realizes that which he realizes at the age of 12 shortly before Christmas break at the start of his second year. In that world, he lives his teenage life in relative peace, gets a job as an Auror, and meets a lovely girl he can be content with. He never falls in love, not with poetry, not with a person, and not with life. The man he becomes would say he is satisfied with his life, content even. He would live unaware of how empty his life truly is.
Thankfully, dear reader, this is not that world.
The boy we are here for is young. He just turned 12 this July in fact. And with this turning of age, has come a revelation.
But more about that later.
The boy is sitting at the edge of a cliff.
The weather is grey and the wind cold, as it often is in Scotland. This particular cliff, not that different from the other thousands there are in this grey country, is called Neist Point on the Isle of Skye, which is where the boy and his family are spending 2 days camping before Christmas.
A stupid idea, really.
There is nothing around to see, except the view and the Lighthouse, which are really not that impressive.
But I’m getting carried away.
The boy is sitting at the cliff and making a choice. One whose consequences will follow him for many years.
You see our boy has had a revelation.
I told you we would get back to that.
But first, a bit of backstory:
At the beginning of his second year at Hogwarts he tried out for the quidditch team.
He got in. Of course.
But at the beginning of second year was also when he started to realize something.
While all his friends had started looking at the older girls at school, James found no interest in any of that. He tried asking his best friend Matthew what he found so interesting about girls.
“Common mate they ain’t interesting, just pretty.”
So James started paying more attention.
Liliana Mclean was apparently the prettiest girl in his year, so James looked.
She had blond hair and her green eyes could be seen as pretty, James guessed.
And that’s when he realized she could never be pretty for him.
Because at dinner while looking at the Slytherin girl from the Gryffindor table she went over to the first years. And that’s when James saw him.
And suddenly things started making sense.
He was beautiful.
He had pale skin that seemed to glow silver under the light of the thousands of candles of the Great Hall. His hair was of a similar shade, shiny and neatly combed.
The exact opposite of James’ darker freckled skin and messy black-brown hair.
He remembered a story his aunt Luna had told him about glowing creatures, whose presence filled people's lives with light and purpose. Angels she had called them.
His father had told him that many of Luna’s stories weren’t real but this one had to be.
Because James knew he met an Angel.
So he made some research. Turns out there’s a word for what he felt.
Gay.
Gay.
Like gay as in happy?
Well then, guess James was happy.
Second year was filled with many other revelations.
James discovered his love for literature while researching angels and finding a poem about a man who fell in love with such a creature.
He started reading anything he could find.
Poems of stars and galaxies, stories of lost souls and golden gardens. He got addicted to the written word and the worlds it could create.
That is until he walked down to potions with his mates and Jake started making fun of Caleb Finns, a fat boy with glasses, nose always in a book.
Nerd.
Loser.
That’s what they called Caleb after knocking his books out of his hands.
James started hiding his books under his bed from then on and always had an excuse ready when he went to the library. And in the library he made sure nobody ever saw him actually read.
He had always been good in school but the words ‘nerd’ and ‘friendless’ haunted him.
He stopped trying in school.
But the last straw happened shortly before Christmas break.
Faggot.
That’s what they called Caleb Finns when he admitted he never had a girlfriend.
Children can be so cruel, don’t you think dear Reader?
James watched him being beaten up in the empty room on the third floor.
That evening he kissed Liana Mclean.
It had been so easy.
All he had to do was smirk at her, make a few jokes, and bam, they were kissing in a broom closet.
James hated it.
One day later the entire castle knew James Sirius Potter was dating Liana Mclean.
By the time he went home for Christmas, his family didn’t recognize their smart grinning child in the arrogant attention-seeking boy that came home.
But denial is not in a child’s nature and James could not forget what, deep down, he knew. It’s not all that uncommon nowadays anyway, right?
So that brings us to today.
James is trying to find courage, you see.
Today he is telling his family.
Or at least he wants to try. They wouldn’t hate him for it, right?
Once he finds that courage, he holds it tight and goes back into the warm tent.
The inside is colourful and messy. There is a table in the middle that holds enough chairs for almost everybody to sit. His parents are sitting next to each other and his uncles, aunts and cousins are there too.
The food looks delicious and still steaming hot, next to the almost empty bottle of fiery whiskey his uncles had shared that evening.
“James, there you are, everybody is waiting for you,” said his mother with a concerned gaze “is everything alright?”
James could only muster a nod as he sat down.
Conversation starts immediately at the table as James waits for the right time to introduce the subject.
Turns out he doesn’t have to as the conversation about quidditch that is currently being held shifts to one particular player, as Ron starts
“I don’t know why they keep him on the team. I mean Karox has absolutely no skill or talent, he only drags the team down. I bet the only reason he’s still there is cause he’s gay.”
“Now Ron-“
“No seriously that stupid fucking homosexual is ruining the team. Typical for them, getting away with everything cause they’re gay. I fucking hate those faggots. Swear I’d kill ‘em if I could”
“Now Ronald let’s not get carried away-“
“Oh come on Hermione, you know I’m right! Just last week you were complaining about that guy that insists on his name being Kelly or Jenny now and who makes drama at the office every time someone calls him by his real name. And you too Harry, didn’t you tell me about a case, that one of a lesbian couple killing an innocent wizard and claiming it was ‘cause he was harassing them about their sexuality?”
“Now Ron, I think you had enough of the Whiskey, let’s get you to bed”
Hermione says as she helps him slowly walk back to their room. As the table grows quiet again, James sits, frozen, horrified and lets go of the courage he had found.
Dinner passes in a blur after that.
He doesn't get any sleep that night.
After a few hours of restless turning he stands up, careful not to wake his brother Albus as he exits the tent and goes back to the cliff.
It is dark, but there is enough stars that we, you and I, can make out the tears coming out of his eyes.
Had anyone been awake at that time, they would have heard the sobs, far too loud for the boy’s small body. But alas, only you and I stand by his side tonight.
“I will never, never tell them”
“I will change… I… cannot be that anymore”
“I swear, I won’t ever, ever like a boy. I will be just how they want me”
“Please, fix me”
Oh, what happened tonight reader, is difficult to explain. The grief and desperation and downright fear James felt tonight will stay, buried, deep within him for a long time.
I wish things were different, that I could change the story that I’m telling, but dear reader, much like the people I tell you about, I only exist within these pages. And my fate, much like theirs is already written, impossible for me to change.
I have brought you this far in the journey, which isn’t really far at all, but from now on you have to walk the thread of James’ life by yourself.
If I were to keep telling this story you will not become a part of it, instead you will become a part of mine.
Therefor dear reader, for the time being, I bid you goodbye.