“Oi ello mages harry potter in the hosue” harry was shitting in the toilet when everyone came into his room. his room had a toilet in the corner, like a prison. this is because harry didn’t know how to decorate. Hed decorated it himself, transfiguring a kitten into a loo. He figured it could make the seat more comfy.. Or something. It didn’t, not really. It had instead started meowing whenever he tried to properly piss, and that was kind of disturbing, but he was too tired to replace it anyway.
“potter,” draco said. he looked ugly. ‘as always’, harry thought to himself in parseltongue. He looked like the last remnants of himself. GOD he was so ugly. “your kitchen looks absolutely stunning, where'd you get the idea of placing a toilet there!??! I must copy your idea, I'm afraid.”
“are you bloody daft malfoy, this is the sitting room which is also the kitchen which is also my room which is also the room where hermione and ron often get together in. get your wits together, seriously.” harry scoffed, then added: “have you got any more kittens?”
“You seriously cannot keep asking me for more kittens to turn into your goddamn furniture, you fucking wanker…!!” Draco looked displeased at Harry who'd supposedly been transfiguring baby kittens into toilet items.
“Mate, mate,” Harry said, holding up his hands, “where’s all this hostility coming from? I just need a proper piss and shit.”
Hermione and ron, who had been standing in the middle doing absolutely nothing watched them as they practiced their daily routine of screaming at each other in a manner that was not dissimilar to the silly goings on of the discussions in parliament. They rolled their eyes in opposite directions, knowing full well that this would end in the way that it always did: throwing shit at each other then making out like touch starved monkeys.
“MALFOY!!” Harry screamed. He grabbed a fist full of feces from his kitten-toilet-abomination, and it slightly slipped down his knuckles.
Malfoy died. He died, right on the spot.
“Malfoy…?” Harry, Ron and Hermione said collectively.
No response.
Just as ron and harry got ready to perform their intricate victory dance shake, Lucius burst through all of the doors.
“MY BOY” he screamed, as he knelt to his precious inbred son’s side, wailing and slobbering and blubbering on about all sorts of horrendous nothings, which seemed to also include how much he had wasted on that expensive gel malfoys dead body had in his hair. Now it was all for nothing. Now there was nothing he could do about his dead dead boy and his greasy greasy gelled up hair.
Harry looked at Lucius, while Ron and Hermione looked away. Lucius’ body was trembling, as if the earth itself shook from the grief of this dead man. Harry said, very intelligently, “Sorry for killing your son.”
“You,” Lucius said, his face pale and furious, “are a horrible, insensitive creature.”
Ron couldnt take it anymore. He had had enough of standing around like some sort of numbed leg on a hospital bed. He had had enough of watching these platinum blonde fucks make a scene while he was STUCK standing around being GINGER and covered in freckles.
“PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, ASSLICKER” he screamed before launching himself towards lucius and tackling him to the floor, tugging at his hair as he stuck his wand up his nose. They stayed on the floor, wrestling for a while.
“GUYS…!” Harry said, strained, “IM GOING TO SHIT MYSELF…!”
And Harry did. It was explosive, and it was terrible. The sheer power of it launched him through the dingy roof of his home. It splat on Hermione’s face, Ron’s hair, Lucius’ eyes, and Draco’s dead body. He was flying in space, now.
Harry was not dying, however, because he was the Chosen One. Harry’s shits didn’t last, though, and so he fell back to earth to the house that was covered in brown things, and landed onto Malfoy’s face.
Malfoy suddenly jerked up and squeaked back to life. It was a wonder how Harry’s diarrhea saved Malfoy’s life. But it did not save Harry from Draco’s wrath.
Hermione, however, was feeling incredibubbly faint, and turned llike a ghost after announcing quietly that she was going to read a book.
Ron vomited all over the floor. Harry stepped away.
“I hate everyone,” Karkat and Draco said, and pushed his sniveling father away.
“What the fuck are you,” Draco said, turning to Karkat.
“IM FUCKING KARKAT VANTAS! ADN who the fuck are you supposed to be, you pink nosed-”
“Shut the fuck up you ugly rat, you look like you’ve been bathed in sharpies and expired things. Are you supposed to be a crossbreed between a donkey and a disabled muggle?”
“SORRY I DONT LOOK LIKE A PIG LUSUS COVERED IN BRONZEBLOOD EXCREMENT” karkat ejaculated fromhis mouth.
“No,” Draco agreed, “you’re exactly right. You look like the person who had been a failed abortion. You seem like the type to have been born in the disabled person’s parking lot.”
“ what the fuck is an abortion.” karkat stopped, became calm instantly and scratched his flea infested head
Draco was not amused. “You are disgusting. I’ll have you removed from my vicinity immediately. MUMMY!” Draco yelled from across the room.
“Yes, dear?” Narcissa answered. She sauntered in, her dress covering and flowing around her ankles. She had turned into rose lalonde.it suited her immensely.
“Mum…? What’s happened to you…” Draco’s face had gone waxen.
“Oh, honey. Though you may not understandit yet, and though i do not expect you to be able to, i seem to have been changed. The very core of who i am and was has become fused with an iteration of someone that you will not know. Someone who is not only not of our world, though she is from our
kind, but of another iteration of the very creation of the universe. Indubitably so , and inextricably, rose lalonde has fused with me like as if we were in steven universe.and it is beautiful. We are your mummy now, draco.”
Draco didn’t catch any of that. What the hell was Steven Universe? “Okay. Where’s Potter and his cronies? and Father?” Draco had only now just realised they were not here, and were in fact, gone.
PrimRose Narlonde did not answer with words, but by pulling out magically imbued sewing needles and knitting a tentacle the size of those of a giant squid to sit on while she continued to stare at draco. She smirked. It was getting dark.
Draco couldn’t take it anymore. He took out his wand, and pointed it to his temple. He said, “avdad kedabra…”
and he exploded…. Kaboom….
……………..wowee.
…………
…… such a great fic 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
Well doen guys