Chapter 30
Harry knocked nervously on the door to Remus's house. Again, he wished that he had brought Blaise, but knew this was something that he needed to do on his own. When he had met with Ron and Hermione, he'd had a few ideas of the direction the conversation would go. This time, he had none.
"Harry, welcome," Tonks said as she opened the door.
"Hello," Harry said politely, stepping in the door and toeing off his shoes.
"Mommy, who's that?" a child said from the corner of the living room.
"Teddy, this is Harry, he's visiting us and Daddy today," Tonks said.
"Is he nice?" the child asked cautiously. Harry looked at Tonks.
"Yes, he's very nice, come say hi," Tonks instructed. Harry followed her farther into the living room. The room was mid-sized. It was very cozy, and had children's toys strewn on the floor.
"Hello," Teddy said without fear, "I'm Teddy."
"Hello Teddy, I'm Harry," Harry said. He'd never been around kids much before.
"Do you want to play?" Teddy asked. Harry looked at Tonks for permission.
"You play with Harry and I'll go tell Daddy that he's here okay?" Tonks said. Teddy smiled and grabbed Harry's hand, dragging him to the pile of toys.
"So, I like to play with these," Teddy said seriously, handing Harry some action figures, "We have to be very careful."
"Okay," Harry said, kneeling down next to him. Tonks left the room. "How old are you Teddy?"
"I am four," Teddy said proudly.
"Wow," Harry remarked. Four years, and he hadn't known Remus had a son. Guilt churned in his stomach.
"Okay, you have to move them like this," Teddy instructed. Harry tried his best to follow along with Teddy's game. Teddy didn't seem to care what Harry did, as long as he listened to him. Harry laughed at his jokes and marveled at the small boy's intelligence.
"Oh did you know I'm like my mom?" Teddy said suddenly, "I can change my hair!"
Harry had no idea what he was talking about. He'd only met Tonks once before, and he hadn't been exactly coherent. He understood though when Teddy started changing his hair color and length. He was a metamorphmagus. Tonks must have been as well.
"Now now Teddy, no showing off," Harry heard from the doorway. He turned to see Remus leaning against the frame of the door, apparently watching them. He had aged some, but not much. Harry felt both comforted and more nervous with his presence.
"Daddy I wasn't! It was cool!" Teddy complained. Remus smiled fondly. Harry stood up after giving Teddy back his toys.
"Harry, I want to keep playing," Teddy demanded.
"How about you and I go play outside and let them talk?" Tonks suggested.
"And Harry can come outside later?" Teddy checked anxiously.
"Yes, if he wants to," Tonks soothed.
"You want to, right?" Teddy asked Harry quickly, gripping his hand.
"Sure, if that's alright," Harry said, hoping it was the right answer. It apparently satisfied Teddy because he ran out of the door without another word but a big smile on his face.
"He's incredible," Harry said without really meaning to.
"He is," Remus agreed, watching his wife and child head outside. Then he turned and took a seat on the couch, leaving Harry to take the other side so they could face each other. "Harry, I want to start by saying how sorry I am for not reaching out so much earlier."
Harry blinked, shocked. He had not expected that from Remus. "Oh, well, it's okay. I didn't expect you to," he said, "I know... things were difficult for both of us-"
"That's not an excuse, I should've been there for you. I didn't realize that you didn't have anyone else," Remus said.
"I should've reached out too," Harry said, "I completely shut out everyone around me for a long time. Honestly, if you had reached out, I might have ignored you."
"You were really going through it weren't you?" Remus asked, searching his eyes. Harry looked down.
"I guess, it wasn't the best time," Harry said, "I'm trying now though."
"How is that going? How are you doing lately?" Remus asked. Harry sighed.
"I don't know," he admitted, "I'm really trying, which I've never done before. It's not as easy as I had hoped."
"I understand that, but it's good that you're at least trying," Remus said.
"How are you?" Harry asked.
"I'm really good," he said warmly, "I have a family that I love, and I get to teach at Hogwarts sometimes. It's quiet and it's peaceful. It took a very long time to process my grief and the trauma, but I did get through it, and feel much better for it."
"That's good to hear," Harry said earnestly, and then turned more downcast, "I think I'm still working on it."
"That's okay Harry," Remus said, "I can see that there's a lot on your mind, do you want to talk about it?"
Harry wrung his hands anxiously. He talked to his therapist, but that was still new. There wasn't a built up trust. He talked to Blaise, but sometimes he was so desperate for Blaise to think he was improving that he would hold back. Blaise had already helped him so much that he also didn't want to be a burden. With Remus, there were years of trust before anything had even happened. Still, he hadn't spoken to Remus in years and he didn't want to just blurt out all of the things on his mind.
"Well, the article came out," Harry said slowly. Remus nodded. "Did you read it?"
"I did," Remus said with absolutely no judgment.
"I guess I'm happy that it's out there. I think it will really change the way people view me," Harry said.
"But?"
"But a lot of it is really personal. And... " Harry tried to figure out the best way to word his next sentence, "It's not like I want to go back to the way I was. I know I'm better off without it. But now that everyone knows that, it's so final. Like I don't even have the choice to go back if I wanted to. Or... if I did, the whole world would think that I'd gone off the rails again."
Remus nodded, "Could you see yourself wanting to go back? Have you thought about it?"
"Sometimes I want to," Harry said, "Not so much the partying or whatever. It was easier. I didn't have to deal with any of my... feelings, or memories. I felt good a lot, and when I felt bad I knew it was only until I got high again."
"Is that what you want? To get high?" Remus asked, not unkindly. Harry didn't respond, and just picked at his fingers. "I'm not judging you at all Harry, if you're worried about that."
"Yes." Harry said, "Sometimes that's all I want. Not because I'm craving it though. Not like that. I just... sometimes I still don't really want to live. I don't want to die. But I felt like that for a long time. It's hard to shake. And being high is like not living, temporarily."
Remus nodded. He sat for a moment to think. "Harry, you've been through a lot. Yes, you are in a better place now, but your mind might not always know that. Especially because you are safe now. Your body isn't in fight or flight mode anymore. Nothing you feel is bad."
"I just feel like I should be better," Harry said.
"And what is better?" Remus asked, and then elaborated when Harry gave him a confused look, "Is better not ever wanting to get high? Not ever missing the escape? Or is better not having any of the bad feelings to escape from? Not having the memories? Not feeling the grief? Would it be better if you didn't feel any of that? Like the past never happened?"
Harry thought, "Sometimes I do want to forget everything that's happened. But I don't think I'd actually want to do that."
"Would you rather feel numb to it all, and not care?" Remus probed.
"No, I guess not. I feel like that would be an injustice to Sirius, if I didn't care," Harry said, feeling tears spring to his eyes at the name.
"Exactly," Remus said, "You care. That's why you're hurting. You were hurt. That's not your fault and the fact that you have to deal with it isn't a bad thing."
"But I waited so long. I made it worse, that's what I hate. I should've dealt with it all right away, or not tried at all. Now I'm just being difficult for everyone," Harry said, feeling all of the emotions he'd tried to keep down coming back to the surface.
"You had no one," Remus said very quietly, "You couldn't have dealt with it all on your own. You were so young. You did the best that you could."
"I should've done more," Harry argued, "I took the easy way out."
"Harry, there wasn't an easy way out for you," Remus said with a pained look on his face, "When I saw what they had done to you, I knew that it was going to change you forever. And then when Sirius-"
Remus stopped for a moment before he continued, "Between what Dumbledore, Voldemort, your relatives, and what the Death Eaters did to you and the people you care about, it's a miracle that you're alive and sane at all. There is not an easy way to get past that. You did what you needed to in order to stay alive."
"I almost didn't," Harry whispered, "I overdosed. At the beginning a few times, and then again a little while ago."
"Oh Harry," Remus said mournfully.
"I think... some of the times I wanted to," Harry admitted, "Especially at the beginning. I really didn't want to wake up."
"Have you felt that way since?" Remus asked. Harry felt like the air was completely sucked out of his lungs.
"I've been... I've been getting, I don't know, my therapist calls it 'triggered', more often lately. I'm so scared, and I feel so guilty, and it all gets to be a lot sometimes. Overwhelming. And so sometimes, I just... I wonder, and I think about what it would be like if it all just stopped," Harry said, struggling to get it all out, "And then I feel worse because I actually have people who care now."
Remus slid over to him and took his hands. "Look at me." Harry did. "If you ever feel like that, come here. Don't hesitate. Send an owl, or just show up. If you can't do that, tell someone around you. Tell anyone. Just don't let yourself feel like that in silence. It can take your mind into dark places so quickly, Harry."
Harry nodded and he felt tears on his cheeks. He made to pull away, but Remus pulled him into a hug.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you before," he said, holding Harry tightly, "But I'm here now."
"Thank you," Harry whispered. Remus held him for a few long minutes that Harry cherished.
When they broke apart, Harry wiped his cheeks. Remus conjured him a tissue.
"So, have you been reconnecting with old friends?" Remus asked. Harry took a deep breath and nodded.
"Yeah, I actually saw Neville first, I had dinner with him and Luna," Harry said, "That was really nice, and then I met Theo and Blaise."
"Nott and Zabini I'm guessing?" Remus checked, "Those were good kids. Neville too."
"Yeah, well, I'm actually dating Blaise now," Harry said cautiously.
"Are you? Well that's lovely Harry, is he part of the reason you've been making all of these changes?" Remus asked supportively. Harry nodded.
"Yeah, he reminded me what being normal and stable is like. His life is so peaceful. He's amazing. He's helped me so much. And his friends are great. They've been so wonderful to me through all of this," Harry said with a small smile, "I'm going to Theo and Pansy's wedding soon."
"I'm glad to hear that," Remus said, "Have you spoken to Ron and Hermione."
Harry's face dropped a bit, "Well yes. I met with them twice. Hermione seemed more... willing to forgive. Ron I'm not sure about. They were really hurt by the way I disappeared."
"I can imagine," Remus said, "Did you explain everything?"
"Yeah, we were going to talk about it some more but then there was an attack. I helped out, so I think I might have earned some brownie points with Ron for that but then..." Harry trailed off and blushed sheepishly.
"Then what?"
"Well, I don't know how Hermione feels about me anymore," Harry said nervously.
"Why?" Remus asked curiously.
"I um... I sortofthreatenedtokillDumbledore," Harry muttered quickly.
"Um, what?" Remus asked in disbelief, "Repeat that."
"I sort of threatened to kill Dumbledore... in front of Hermione... and the Minister... and Dumbledore," Harry admitted.
"How do you 'sort of' threaten someone like that?" Remus asked incredulously.
"Well, I basically said that if he showed up again, I would kill him, and that it was a promise not a threat," Harry said, "So I guess I didn't 'sort of' do it. I did it. Fully."
Remus stared at him and then laughed once. "How does that happen?"
"Well he ticked me off," Harry said grumpily.
"I'm sure he did, I try to avoid him at all costs, especially around the full moon," Remus said.
"Don't you work at Hogwarts?"
"Yes, but I only talk to Minerva, I refuse to be in the same room as him," Remus said.
"Well... that's kind of what happened. I told the Ministry I didn't want him there and he showed up anyway. And then he started guilting me about some conditions I had. He was trying to tell me what to do. And then... I accused him of wanting to kill me again, and I could see in his eyes that he would if he got the chance," Harry said, "So I got mad."
"You got mad," Remus echoed, "So you told him you would kill him. What did he do?"
"Um, well, he basically was like 'You wouldn't', and I said I would and I could," Harry recalled, "And that he knew that I could."
"Could you?"
"Yes." a pause. "Probably."
"And he knows this?" Remus checked.
"Yep."
"Well, if he didn't want you dead before, he will now," Remus said shaking his head, "Regardless, I'm proud of you. I can't imagine that the whole interaction was easy."
“I had a meltdown afterwards,” Harry admitted, “Blaise helped me though.”
“I’d like to meet him sometime, if that’s alright,” Remus said. Harry nodded.
“He’s really amazing, he let’s me fight my own battles and make my own choices but he’s always there to support me,” Harry said, “I think I scared him with the whole Dumbledore thing but he stands by me anyway.”
“I’m so glad,” Remus said, “Did the meeting with the Minister result in any agreement being made?”
“Well, I’m going to help, if there’s an attack. I won’t track anyone down for them,” Harry said, “I’m not an auror. I’m not a fighter. But I can fight, so I will if people’s lives are directly in danger.”
Remus nodded, “Your parents would be so proud of you.”
Harry looked up sharply. That was something he struggled with a lot. He was so worried about what his parents would think about the choices that he had made.
“Really? Even with what I said to Dumbledore?” Harry asked.
“If James or Lily was alive, Dumbledore would be dead already for what he did to you,” Remus said.
“I’m sure they wouldn’t approve of my other choices,” Harry muttered, looking down at his hands.
“You’ve made mistakes, but we all do. You’re trying now, and they would’ve understood all that you were dealing with,” Remus said, taking his hand again.
Harry nodded, and wiped a new tear from his eye. He tried to believe what Remus said.
Then, Teddy ran in.
“Daddy, Harry, come on,” he said, dragging them by their hands outside.
“I’m sorry, he got away from me,” Tonks apologized when they came outside.
“It’s alright, we can play now,” Remus said, “We have all of the time in the world to catch up now. You should come back every week, for dinner.”
“Really?” Harry asked, heart warming.
“Yes, I insist, we have to make up for lost time,” Remus said kindly.
“Alright,” Harry agreed with a smile.
“Harry, you’re on my team,” Teddy demanded, pulling Harry with him to one side of the yard.
“What’s the game?” Harry asked.
“Quidditch, but we have to play on the ground. Mommy says I can’t have a broom until I’m seven.” Teddy said with a pout, “So we kick the ball into the goal instead.”
“Like football,” Harry pointed out.
“What’s that?” Teddy asked curiously.
“A muggle game, nevermind,” Harry said with a smile.
“Ok, ready?” Teddy yelled super loudly to his parents who were only standing a few feet away. They smiled and nodded, and the game began.