Chapter 24
Harry and Blaise stepped through the floo to the Nott manor. Theo was having a bunch of people over to celebrate the good weather. He said he wanted to have a picnic. He had seen one in a muggle movie that they had watched that week, and he had been obsessed with the idea ever since. Blaise wasn't sure who else was coming but he and Harry had showed up dutifully and on time.
"You're here! Great!" Theo exclaimed, "Go outside to where I have the blankets laid out. Dean and Seamus are already here. Daphne and Astoria too!"
Harry and Blaise chuckled at Theo's childish excitement. Blaise led Harry through the manor, as he had been there before, and out onto the lawn. The Nott manor was similar to the Zabini one. It was nowhere near as grand as the Malfoy Manor, but it had sprawling fields. The Nott's also owned a woods and a lake. It appeared that Theo had positioned the blankets near the edge of the lake, but in the shade of the woods.
As Harry and Blaise approached, Seamus exclaimed, "Harry! I was so excited when Theo said you were coming!"
"Hi Seamus," Harry greeted fondly, "Dean, it's nice to see you again."
"You as well Harry, it's been a long time," the other man said, "Let me get you both a beer."
He handed Blaise and Harry a drink. They both accepted. Over the past week and a half, Blaise and Harry had a lot of conversations concerning drinking and substance use. Harry didn't feel like he had a drinking problem, and was confident that he could drink mildly in social situations. He did agree to stop and tell Blaise if he ever felt like it made him crave more. Blaise trusted him, but was going to be watching.
"This is Daphne and Astoria, the Greengrass sisters," Blaise introduced.
"Hello Harry, I was in your year," Daphne said, "Astoria was the year below, she's engaged to Draco."
"It's nice to officially meet both of you," Harry said politely. The couple took a seat on one edge of the picnic blanket.
Neville Longbottom joined them soon after, "Luna wanted to come but she's swamped with her article right now."
"What's it on?" Seamus said. Harry looked away to keep a straight face as Neville replied, "That's classified."
The rest of the group accepted it. Pansy, Millie, and Theo joined them a few minutes later.
"Alright, let's get started," Theo announced, happily opening the picnic basket that sat in the middle of the blankets. He passed out plates and cups and utensils. "I made peanut butter and jelly!"
The group stared at him, "Like from the American movies? It'll be so good! I also got potato chips. And watermelon. I made cupcakes too."
He started passing out all of the food that he had prepared and the group smiled fondly. Theo was known for his childish excitement and enthusiasm, but it made him a great friend to have around. There were so many times that Blaise had gotten swept up in one of his plans that had actually been a lot of fun and Blaise was thankful for it.
“So Harry, I’ve got to ask, what’s with this whole dark wizard thing?” Seamus asked bluntly after a few minutes of small talk. Blaise watched Harry set down his sandwich and look at Seamus. “I mean, what’s Dumbledore going on about?”
“I have no idea,” Harry answered calmly. Neville shifted nervously. Blaise wondered how much he knew about the story that Luna was writing. It was awkward for a moment and Blaise tried to think of what to say but Harry beat him to it, “It’s alright, he might be getting dementia or something, he is getting quite old.”
Dean and Seamus snorted while the Greengrass girls let out a surprised giggle.
“He is, isn’t he?” Astoria said, “He’s got to be like what… 120? At least?”
“I don’t know,” Pansy shrugged, “Never really liked him much.”
“What?” Dean exclaimed, “He’s the best.”
“For the Gryffindors,” Theo grumbled, “Always giving you all special treatment.”
“Like you didn’t get special treatment from Snape,” Seamus shot back.
“Well we got the opposite of special treatment from everyone else at the school so I’d say we were allowed it from our head of house,” Pansy argued, “Everyone hated us.”
“Snape hated me,” Neville said and then shuddered.
“That is true my friend, he did, maybe just as much as he hated Harry,” Seamus said, clapping him on the back.
“He really did hate me too, Neville,” Harry said sympathetically, “Sorry to leave you there with him all by yourself.”
“It’s alright, I just dropped potions after my fifth year anyway.” Neville said.
“He mellowed out after fifth year,” Blaise commented, remembering his last few Hogwarts years.
“Probably just got tired,” Pansy said, “I would if I had to teach children who didn’t even want to be there.”
“Okay okay, but who was everyone’s favorite defense professor?” Dean asked eagerly.
“For reference Harry, we had a lady from the Ministry for the first few weeks of fifth year, but McGonagall drove her out because she was toad,” Pansy explained, “After that the real Alastor Moody took over for the rest, and Remus Lupin came back a few times for guest lessons.”
“I always liked Remus,” Neville said. The rest of the group nodded.
“Honestly, the fake Moody, he was crazy, and bad I know, but he was interesting for sure,” Seamus said. Dean smacked him.
“He was a Death Eater you dolt, you can’t like him,” he scolded.
“I didn’t say I liked him, I said he was interesting,” Seamus defended.
“That’s fair,” Daphne chimed in.
“The worst was Lockhart,” Pansy decided.
“No, it was Quirrel,” Theo said wrinkling his nose, “He smelled.”
“He had Voldemort on the back of his head,” Harry said. Everyone stopped and stared at him. “Well he did. He was using garlic to hide the smell.”
“Why do you know that?” Pansy asked.
“Um, well, we had some… interactions,” Harry said, scratching the back of his neck. “He never really liked me and I wasn’t too fond of him either, obviously.”
There was awkward silence again, before Seamus burst out laughing.
“You’re hilarious Harry,” he said. The rest of the group laughed as well, albeit a bit more nervously. Harry just shrugged.
“Anyway Harry, I was thinking you should teach Defense at some point,” Pansy said when the laughter died down.
“Not while Dumbledore’s there. I won’t go there,” Harry said adamantly.
“Oh so there is a feud,” Pansy said like a cat that just found a mouse to pounce on, “What’s the drama?”
“I don’t like him.” Harry said, “And I don’t know that anyone would want me teaching their children defense.”
“Maybe not right now,” Daphne said, “But, as we discussed, Dumbledore’s getting old, when he’s gone you could probably take over the school if you wanted. You could probably run for Minister. You could do whatever you wanted.”
“Well, I don’t want either of those,” Harry said.
Pansy shook her head, “You’re insane. You’re like the one person who wouldn’t want it.”
“I wouldn’t want it,” Neville said, “I wouldn’t have time for my garden.”
“I wouldn’t want it either,” Blaise chimed in, “Way too much politics, even with being headmaster.”
“That’s fair,” Astoria agreed, “But I would still want it.”
“Well Draco’s probably going to try at some point, so you might get to be Minister’s wife,” Daphne told her, “That’s close.”
“Maybe I’ll run and beat him out and then he can be the Minister’s husband,” Astoria argued.
“That’s the spirit,” Pansy encouraged, “He deserves to be beaten every once in a while.”
“Where is he today anyway?” Theo asked, “Haven’t seen him in a bit.”
“He’s running some campaign event for one of his allies today, it’s election season, he’ll be basically gone for the next month,” Astoria sighed, “But I’m really proud of him.”
“He’s come a long way,” Pansy agreed. Blaise nodded along. Draco had really turned himself around in the last few years of Hogwarts. After his dad went to Azkaban, he’d started working hard to change the image behind the Malfoy name. He had become more tolerable, and Blaise knew he had also worked on changing some of his more problematic views.
“Alright, if everyone’s done eating, we should play a game,” Theo decided after the conversation died down.
“Quidditch?” Seamus asked eagerly.
“No.” Pansy said shortly.
“We’re playing football,” Theo said, “Like in the movies. Or ‘soccer’ as the Americans call it.”
He dug around in the picnic basket and produced the ball.
“I love football!” Dean exclaimed. He and Theo worked together to explain the rules. Blaise decided it shouldn’t be too hard. Just kick the ball into the other team's net. Try to stop them from kicking it in his. Simple. Kind of like Quidditch.
They split up into teams. Blaise, Daphne, Theo, and Neville on one team, and Harry, Dean, Pansy, and Seamus on the other. Astoria decided to referee. Blaise personally felt that the other team was stacked against them, but he wasn’t going to complain. Neville and Harry were chosen to play goalie.
The game started with all of them tentatively blocking and kicking the ball, before Dean started yelling to all of them that they needed to be more aggressive. Pansy started blocking Theo at every move.
“Babe, let me move,” Theo complained exasperatedly as Pansy blocked and stole yet another one of his passes.
“Don’t make it so easy to stop you,” Pansy smirked and she ran away with the ball. She then shrieked as Daphne stole it out from under her. She started running the other way before she was stopped by Seamus who simply picked her up and tossed her gently to the side.
“That’s cheating,” Daphne cried. Astoria was laughing too hard to call a penalty. Neville blocked Seamus’s shot, and Blaise took it all of the way back down the field. He noticed Harry grinning at him as he approached. Blaise concentrated, trying to ignore Harry’s eyes that tended to be so distracting for him.
Harry crouched slightly as Blaise kicked the ball, and darted in front of it, sending it sailing away from the goal.
“You made that easy for him,” he heard Theo crying indignantly behind him. Harry laughed hard, and Blaise heard a smacking sound that was very familiar. It occurred whenever Pansy was fed up with Theo.
“No, that was a good block,” Pansy scolded, “Nice job Harry!”
“We should switch the teams,” Dean decided, “Blaise, Harry, Daphne, me, and then Neville, Seamus, Pansy, and Theo.”
The group went along with it, but the game didn’t last very long until Astoria decided she didn’t want to referee anymore and jumped in to start playing against her sister. From there, the game devolved into a chaotic mess of everyone fighting for the ball. It grew physical quickly, Dean tripped Seamus so that he would fall, Neville flipped Dean onto his back, and Seamus got up to tackle him down as soon as he tried to stand up. Harry had to jump over the pair to avoid falling, but he landed and slipped, falling anyways. Blaise laughed hard at the sight, and Harry narrowed his eyes mischievously at him.
From there, Harry and Blaise started targeting each other, much like Theo and Pansy were. Blaise could barely take the ball a yard before Harry was there taking it away from him. On one occasion, Blaise snatched Harry around the waist before he could take the ball from him. Harry squealed and fought back, causing them both to tumble to the grass, the ball long taken by Daphne who had swooped in while they were distracted.
“Alright, alright,” Pansy said, panting, “I need a break.”
“I agree,” Harry said. Blaise nodded. Most of the group seemed to agree.
“Lame, Seamus, one on one then?” Dean said. Seamus nodded and they started a new game. Pansy and Daphne laid down on the grass where Astoria had been watching. Theo and Neville sat on the blanket and started discussing some plant order that Theo and Blaise had decided on. Blaise helped Harry up off the ground. They both took a moment to catch their breath.
They stood next to the lake and looked out over how peaceful it was. The boys continued to play the game behind them. Eventually Seamus must have won because he did a victory cheer and ran around. He finished his lap by doing a cannonball into the lake.
"You WANK!" Daphne yelled at him. They all laughed as Seamus climbed out, dripping wet. Seamus grabbed Daphne around the waist and threw her into the lake. She squealed as she flew through the air and splashed. Seamus wrestled Dean into the lake as well.
"The water's actually nice," Daphne said as she bobbed her head above the water, "You should all come swim."
Blaise smiled and turned to see if Harry wanted to. Harry's face was white, as he looked at Daphne swimming in the water in fear. Blaise was once again reminded of Harry's phobia of water. Then, Neville was manhandled into the water by Seamus, and Harry's face lost even more color. He took a step back.
"Hey now," Blaise said quietly to Harry, "You're okay, you don't have to go in."
Harry didn't seem to hear him as he watched Astoria dive into the water to join her friends.
"Harry look at me," Blaise said softly, but firmly. Harry didn't listen to him, so he reached out carefully to touch his hand. Harry flinched aggressively and pulled away, but he finally looked at Blaise, and broke out of his horrified trance.
"Blaise-" Harry gasped, breath coming fast now, "I can't- I-"
"Hey I know, I know," Blaise said, taking his hand again. This time Harry didn't pull away. His hands were shaking violently as Blaise held them. Harry flinched hard as Theo dived into the lake after them. Seamus and Dean started splashing the girls, oblivious to Harry's panic attack. The splashing seemed to make it even worse for Harry.
"Come here," Blaise said, he took Harry's hands and turned him around, and led him just inside the treeline of the woods to where they couldn't see the water anymore, though they could hear it. Blaise was worried Harry was going to pass out soon if he didn't get his breathing under control. "Let's sit down okay?"
He guided Harry down onto the ground as he hyperventilated.
"You're alright, take a deep breath okay?" Blaise said gently. Harry shook his head.
"I can't-" he gasped, "The water-" The terror in his eyes hurt Blaise’s heart, and made him angry again for all of the horrible things that had happened to Harry. For now though, he focused on staying calm.
"You don't have to go in," Blaise soothed, "It can't hurt you."
"Our- friends-"
"Our friends are okay, they're having fun, the water isn't hurting them either," Blaise assured, “Put your head down, between your knees.”
Blaise had seen this somewhere, he couldn’t remember, but he knew it was supposed to help with hyperventilating. He rubbed Harry’s back soothingly.
“Deep breaths love, you’re alright,” he said calmly.
“-drown-” Harry choked out. He tried to say some more, but Blaise couldn’t understand him.
“Sh love, you can tell me after, just focus on breathing,” Blaise said, “No one is drowning.”
He heard a slight noise and he looked up to see that Pansy had followed them and was watching concernedly. Harry’s back was to her, and since his head was down, he couldn’t see Blaise silently tell her to go get something for Harry to drink. She nodded and walked away quietly.
By the time she returned, Harry’s breathing had slowed only slightly, but he was making progress. He didn’t notice Pansy handing Blaise a water bottle. He mouthed the words ‘thank you’, and she gave a thumbs up, nodding, and then left to give them privacy.
Blaise wasn’t sure if the water bottle would trigger Harry more or not. He knew he probably needed water, and he had always been fine drinking water before. Still, he didn’t want to send Harry into another panic attack right as he got out of this one, so he gently set it on the ground and decided to wait for Harry to ask for it.
“There, that’s better, good,” he praised as Harry’s breathing calmed even more, “Another deep breath with me.”
He coaxed Harry into deep breaths until his breathing was almost completely normal, if only a bit shaky. His hands were trembling, but that was a common reaction for Harry. Blaise took his hands to try to still them.
Harry sat up slowly, “Sorry,” he croaked.
Blaise shook his head, “There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
“I freaked out,” Harry said, looking like he was doubting every choice that he had ever made. Blaise could already see the wheels turning. He was sure Harry was thinking something along the lines of why he should have stayed with Darla doing drugs so this never would have happened.
“Yes, you got scared, for a very valid reason. That’s not your fault. And now you’ve calmed down. And everything is okay,” Blaise said, “No one is mad at you, nothing bad is going to happen. How are you feeling now?”
“I’m embarrassed. And… I’m still kind of scared,” Harry admitted.
“Well you don’t ever need to be embarrassed with me,” Blaise started, “Do you want to go home? Would you feel better there?”
Harry shrugged, “I don’t really know. Normally I just… use.”
Blaise nodded, “Are you feeling like you want to get high right now?”
“Yeah, it’s like, that was my first thought as soon as I calmed down,” Harry said, “I still really want to go find something, but I know that I shouldn’t. It’s getting better though, I think that’s just my automatic reaction.”
“Well, it would make sense,” Blaise said, “That’s what you’ve been trained to do basically.”
Harry nodded, “I don’t think I need to leave, I just… I don't want to go by the water.”
“If they’re swimming, does that bother you?” Blaise asked.
“No not a lot, I was just unprepared, and there was splashing, and I thought they might try to get me to go in. It was just a lot at once,” Harry said.
“Okay, we can go back, but let me know when you want to leave, and don’t feel bad about it alright?” Blaise said, helping Harry to stand. Harry nodded. Before they left, Blaise pulled Harry into a tight hug. Harry sighed deeply and pressed himself firmly against Blaise, squeezing him back. They stood that way for a bit before rejoining the group.
Daphne and Astoria had climbed out of the water, and were sitting drying off by the bank. Pansy was seated on the blanket. Blaise and Harry sat next to her.
“Alright?” she asked quietly. Harry nodded. She didn’t say anything else, which Blaise knew Harry probably appreciated.
The rest of the afternoon passed by uneventfully. They played a few more games, chatted, and caught up with one another. Harry stayed stiff and reserved for a long time, but was finally loosening up by the time it was time to head home. They flood through the fireplace back to their apartment.
Blaise and Harry decided to take a short walk down Diagon to find food. Harry donned sunglasses and a small glamor so that he wouldn’t be recognized. They went to the Leaky Cauldron to eat.
They decided to just take their food to go. As they left, Blaise felt Harry come to a halt beside him. He stopped and turned to see what had stopped Harry in his tracks.
Across the restaurant there was a red-headed man, and a bushy haired woman with a baby on her hip. They were sitting down at a table in the corner, preparing to order. Blaise had a sudden moment of understanding. That was Ron and Hermione. Harry hadn’t seen them since his fourth year. Harry stood and stared for a moment, Blaise wondered if he was going to go over and say something.
Harry abruptly turned and headed out of the Leaky Cauldron without a word. Blaise hurried to follow him. They didn’t speak on the way back to the apartment. Once they were there, Harry took of the glamor and the sunglasses.
Blaise set the food on the table and waited for Harry to speak first.
“I should write to them,” Harry said, “I… I almost went over to say hello, but I couldn’t.”
“That’s okay, I think maybe you need a bit more warning,” Blaise said. Harry had already had one emotional situation today, he didn’t really need to be dealing with another one, “Maybe tomorrow you can spend some time writing them a letter. You could even talk to your therapist about it?”
“Good idea,” Harry said. He had started therapy that week, and was doing sessions three times a week. So far he had only had two. Harry had told Blaise that they had barely scratched the surface of anything, but that he thought that they would be helpful eventually.
The pair sat down to eat, and they made small talk for a bit. Blaise noticed that Harry still seemed stiff and uncomfortable. He was sitting completely tense in his chair, and his responses were short, though still polite. It was obvious his mind was in another place. Blaise almost suggested a bath to relax, but then thought better of that idea, remembering the water incident earlier that afternoon.
When they moved to the couch after dinner, and Harry still didn’t relax, he said, “Alright baby, talk to me, what’s going on in that head of yours?”
Harry shrugged and picked at his fingers.
“I don’t know what to say,” he said quietly. Blaise gave him time. Eventually Harry spoke, “I still want to use.”
“Is there anything specific coming to mind?” Blaise asked gently. The couple had been trying to determine if what Rob had said was true. Harry didn’t think he was actually physically addicted to any one drug, because of the measures Rob had put in place. They also figured that Harry’s magic had somehow managed to protect him. Still, Harry was slightly addicted to the feeling of being super high. It was his coping mechanism. Though, he hadn’t had any cravings or urge to use until tonight. Blaise had known that it was going to happen at some point.
“No, I’ve a few ideas… mostly I just have the urge to go and take anything, it’s like an itch,” Harry explained, and shifted uncomfortably and sighed, “I know it’s bad…”
“Come here,” Blaise coaxed him to lay against him, “I think it’s probably normal for you to feel this way. It’s okay to feel this way. I’m proud of you for not acting on it though.”
“But I wanted to,” Harry mumbled, curling in against Blaise, “I still do.”
“But you didn’t, and you won’t,” Blaise said, kissing his forehead, “And if you do in the future, then we’ll figure it out. But you won’t tonight because we’re going to sit here and cuddle and watch movies, and take it one day at a time.”
“Okay,” Harry whispered, finally relaxing against Blaise. And that made Blaise’s heart feel full. Harry knew that he could rely on Blaise to help him, and he was letting himself be helped. That was all Blaise wanted.