Chapter 25
Harry wrung his hands nervously as he waited for Blaise to finish getting ready. He had been anxiously awaiting this meeting since he had sent the letter yesterday and gotten an immediate reply. Ron and Hermione had agreed to meet with him at a muggle coffee shop that Hermione had suggested.
Blaise was going to work, but they were going to walk downstairs together. Harry had briefly entertained the idea of Blaise coming with him to meet his old friends as emotional support, but he had ditched it quickly. This was something he could handle on his own. And Blaise had assured him that he would be here when he got back to hear all about how it had gone.
“Alright love,” Blaise said, “Are you ready?”
“Yeah, ready as I’ll ever be,” Harry said. Blaise gave him a quick kiss before taking his hand as they went downstairs. Blaise liked to be touching Harry a lot, especially when they were alone, and Harry would have been lying if he said he didn’t love it.
Harry’s nerves grew by the tenfold as soon as they were downstairs in the potions shop.
“Breathe sweetheart, you’re going to be okay,” Blaise soothed.
“What if they hate me? What if they just want to yell at me? Or what if I say the wrong thing?” Harry voiced some of the many concerns that he had but Blaise stopped him before he could go further.
“First of all, I truly don’t think it will go badly, but even if it does, it’s okay. You’ll be okay,” Blaise told him. Harry nodded. They’d already gone over how Harry should feel if it went badly. If Ron and Hermione didn’t want to know him anymore, that was their right. They had every reason to feel hurt by him. If they were angry at him, they had every right to be that way. However it didn’t mean that Harry had to feel bad either. He had been through a lot and he had tried his best. He could apologize, though Blaise didn’t think he needed to, and then it was up to them to forgive him or not. Once he knew that he had tried to make things right, then he could move on. Harry only hoped that he would be able to handle it if things went badly.
“You’re right,” Harry took a deep breath, “Thank you, I’m going to go now.”
“Good luck, I love you,” Blaise said. Harry nodded.
“I love you too,” Harry said and then made his way out of the door and then quickly down to the Leaky Cauldron and then out into the muggle world.
He quickly found himself standing outside of the coffee shop. The couple wasn’t there yet, so Harry grabbed himself a small latte and a seat. He hoped they wouldn’t be offended by him not getting them something, but he didn’t know what they wanted. He then decided that he should get them something. He then hoped they wouldn’t be offended by his presumption of what they would like or him buying things for them. He was paralyzed by indecision.
As he sat there overthinking and overanalyzing the situation, he saw them walk in the door. His heart jumped into his throat. He watched as they both ordered coffee immediately. He was thankful for his decision not to get anything, as that would have been awkward.
When they had their drinks, they looked around the restaurant. Harry stood, and waved awkwardly. They saw him and made their way over.
“Hello,” Harry said, taking them in. He extended a hand to Ron, who hesitated and then shook it. Then he did the same to Hermione, so gave him a very very small smile.
“Hello Harry,” she said before she sat down. Harry sat down as well, along with Ron. He looked at them for a moment, as they did the same to him. They both looked older, obviously. Ron’s face had been slightly hardened, but he still had an overall playful look from when he was a boy. He was taller than Harry, and much broader, buff from his job as an auror. Hermione was beautiful, hair still big but tamed down. Intelligence showed through her eyes. Ron’s eyes were guarded. Harry wondered what they saw when they looked at him. He knew he was still underweight, but he was sleeping and eating better so he hoped he didn’t look as unhealthy as he had a few weeks ago. He had chosen simple black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt with a dark green zip up to blend in with the muggle world.
The pair looked at him to begin the conversation. Harry supposed that was fair, he had been the one who had owled them and asked for this meeting.
“Okay, so um,” Harry started. He cursed himself in his head for the fumbled opening. He had practiced this in his head for the whole last day, “Before we talk, I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for never reaching out. You two were amazing friends to me, and I completely abandoned you and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that, and if you felt any hurt by what I did, I want to apologize.”
He waited anxiously for them to say something as they quickly glanced at each other.
“We were hurt by the way you never reached out,” Hermione finally said, “And I for one, appreciate the apology. Why did you reach out now, after all of this time?”
Her voice was kind, but Harry could tell that despite his apology, he wouldn’t be immediately forgiven.
“Well, there’s kind of a long story there, but it boils down to the fact that I’m finally trying to get my head in the right place and live a healthier life,” he said, “And… I know Luna talked to you, and she told me that you’d be more open to a conversation than I had thought. For a long time, I had just assumed the door was closed. And I was in no place to be able to honestly apologize.”
“What do you want from us?” Ron asked, speaking for the first time. Harry looked at him.
“Um,” he floundered. He hadn’t prepared for that question. He had been ready for immediate anger, or forgiveness, or many other things. He wasn’t prepared for this reserved skepticism that they were displaying, “Well, nothing really. I don’t expect anything from you. I know what I did was wrong and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your time. If you want to get up and leave you can and I would understand. In that case, I’d like to thank you for your time and for letting me apologize. But if you wanted to stay, you could… we could catch up? I don’t know, it’s up to you.”
Harry twisted his hands anxiously under the table. He wanted them to stay so badly, but he knew he couldn’t force them and that they may very well want nothing to do with him. He just wanted a chance to get to know them again, and show them that he was better now.
“Well, I’d like to stay to talk, at least for a bit,” Hermione said before looking at Ron.
“I suppose yeah,” Ron said. Harry felt a stab of hurt by the coldness that Ron was showing him, but he knew he deserved it. Especially from their perspective.
“So… I heard you got married, and had a baby?” Harry asked.
“Yeah, about two years ago now we got married. Rose is almost one now,” Hermione said, smiling fondly. Harry felt his heart warm for them.
“Congratulations, that’s really wonderful,” Harry said genuinely, “What’s it like? Being parents?”
“It's a learning curve for sure,” Hermione laughed slightly, “But it really is amazing. She’s beautiful, and so smart, she’s really incredible.”
“I’m sure,” Harry said, “Where are you both working now?”
“Well, I’m at the Ministry, I work in the main office with the Minister, basically coordinating policies with the Wizengamot, activists, and all of the departments. I started in the Department of Mysteries so I am the main contact for them. It’s stressful but I like it because I get to help steer the direction of change,” Hermione said.
“I’m an auror, I got promoted so I have a more stable schedule now and I can be home more with Mione and the baby,” Ron said, “Although it is more paperwork which is not fantastic.”
“What are you doing now Harry?” Hermione asked.
“Right now, not a lot. I’m in between some things and trying to figure out what direction I need and want to go,” Harry said, “So I’m taking a step back from… everything I was doing before.”
Hermione and Ron looked at each other again.
“Harry, I’m not going to lie to you, we have a lot of questions. We’ve had a lot of confusion about… you for a long time,” Hermione took a breath, “I think the only way that this is going to work is if we get some clarity.”
“I understand,” Harry said, “You can ask me whatever you want. I won’t lie to you about anything.”
“Well, I don’t know where we should start,” Hermione said. Ron did not share her hesitation. He leaned forward and looked Harry in the eye.
“What happened Harry?” he asked. Harry could feel the strength behind his words. Ron had never had so much power before, but then again, he had been young.
Harry started and then paused, “To be honest, I don’t know what you know. Could you give me a starting point?”
“After you defeated Voldemort, Dumbledore took you to Hogwarts, what happened?” Ron asked.
“We argued a lot. Eventually, he’d had enough and kicked me out, and I was found by Death Eaters about five minutes later. I was… their hostage for a while and then Remus and Sirius came to rescue me. Sirius died, and Nicholas Flamel took me in, healed me, trained me, and helped me tie up the loose ends from the war,” Harry said, “That’s the short story anyway.”
“We have time.” Ron said shortly, “Why were you arguing with Dumbledore?”
Harry could tell from the sound of his voice that the couple still thought of the world of Dumbledore. Harry hesitated for the first time. He wouldn’t pretend to like the man for their benefit. He wasn’t sure they would even believe what he said about him.
“How much do you know about horcruxes?” Harry dropped his voice on the last word.
“That’s really dark magic Harry,” Hermione said, “It’s soul magic. You rip your soul by killing an innocent, and you can store it in an object. Then if you die, that piece of your soul remains in tact. You could be brought back, so long as the horcrux is not destroyed.”
“Well, Voldemort had made a bunch of them,” Harry said, and Hermione gasped. “Don’t worry, they’re all long gone now, that’s what Nick and I took care of.”
“How did you know about them?” Hermione asked, “I only learned in the D.O.M, and even then, there wasn’t much information.”
“Dumbledore,” Harry had to fight to keep his voice calm, “He told me after I blew him up. His snake was one, so I killed that one. He…”
“What?” Ron asked.
“Dumbledore thought that I might have been a horcrux. An accidental one that Voldemort created the night my parents were killed. That’s why I had that pain in my scar all of the time,” Harry said.
“Oh no,” Hermione breathed. Ron was emotionless.
“Well anyway, it was destroyed in the explosion. It actually saved me, or I would have died as well. I did die. But because I had another soul in me, the magic saved me, and the horcrux was killed,” Harry explained, “Dumbledore… he didn’t want to risk that it was still there. He didn’t quite believe me when I said it was gone.”
“So you were arguing about that? How did he want to get it out?” Ron asked seeming extremely skeptical of Harry.
Hermione was staring at Harry with dawning horror, “There’s only one way to destroy a horcrux. You have to destroy the container.”
“Me.” Harry nodded, “He revealed to me that he had orchestrated Voldemort’s attack on me in hopes… well… you know. Anyway, afterwards he didn’t expect me to be alive, and he didn’t want to risk it. He was hoping that I would kill myself. And I probably would have if I didn’t know that it was gone.”
Ron shook his head, “Dumbledore wouldn’t do that.”
“For the greater good?” Harry asked. He could see Hermione connecting the dots in her mind.
“So he kicked you out… and told the Death Eaters where you were,” she said in a hushed voice.
“Look, I’m not trying to make you hate Dumbledore or anything,” Harry said, more to Ron, “I’m just telling you what happened from my perspective. I’m sure he thought he was doing what was best. And if he had been right then maybe it would have been. You don’t have to believe me.”
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Hermione said, “That’s a lot.”
“I understand,” Harry said, and he did, truly.
“So, the Death Eaters, I’m guessing it wasn’t a pleasant visit,” Ron said bluntly. Harry shook his head.
“No, it wasn’t,” his voice broke on the last part. He was prepared to answer their questions but he had only ever spoken to one person about it and he had sobbed the whole time. And that was only when Blaise had been holding him, “They… um, they were really angry. It was Bellatrix, and some others. It wasn’t a good time for me. It took me a long time to heal from it, physically.”
“And mentally?” Hermione asked softly, “Are you healed?”
Harry looked away, “I’m not trying to make excuses for my behavior.”
“No, forget about that for a second, are you okay?” Hermione asked. Harry looked into her eyes and saw genuine concern.
“I,” his voice shook, “I didn’t really deal with anything. Nick tried to help, but we had so much to do that we couldn’t spend too much time working through it. Then he died. And then I stopped trying. I’m trying now.”
“Is that why you started partying so much when you came back?” Ron asked, his voice softer now.
“Partially yes,” he said, “When I came back, I felt really guilty about the way that I had left and not explained anything. Part of it was for my safety… there were a lot of reasons but they don’t matter now… I was guilty, angry, scared, and I found out that I didn’t have any money, Dumbledore was using it. I needed to make money, and the fastest way to do that was to use my fame. The drugs and the partying came quickly after that and then I didn’t need to feel guilty or angry or any of the things that I felt.”
“From there, it just spiraled. I didn’t even realize how deep I had gotten. Or how long it had been. I honestly didn’t care. The people around me, they took advantage of that,” Harry explained.
“What changed?” Hermione asked, “You said you were taking a step back?”
Harry nodded, and took a sip of his coffee while he collected his thoughts, “Luna actually. She came to interview me. I don’t even know why she was hired. I didn’t care. But she was really kind. And she invited me to dinner because she said that Neville wanted to catch up. That was the first moment that I sort of realized all that I had been missing and how crazy things had gotten. And then… then I met Blaise there. And then we ran into each other and he asked me to dinner. We started going out.”
“That’s exciting!” Hermione said.
“Yeah, he’s really great,” Harry said with a big genuine smile, “Anyway, he also showed me how normal life is, and how stable and healthy it could be. We made it official and he was making me a lot happier. I started pulling back and getting healthier. Then… things got bad again for a while, but it made me see how corrupt my team was. Blaise helped me out and I basically moved in with him now, and I’ve been sober and I’m starting therapy and just trying to get my life together.”
“When you say things got bad, what does that mean?” Ron asked.
“My team basically… medicated me for a long time with whatever they wanted. And then I stopped letting them when I started dating Blaise. Blaise went on a trip and they saw an opportunity and before I knew it, I’d gone on like a two week bender. They had somehow convinced me to break up with him and so that was bad,” Harry said, “And then Dumbledore’s article came out, I got really upset, took some stuff, and I accidentally overdosed. Luckily Blaise had figured I would be upset, so he was coming to check on me. He saved me. Then I fired my whole team.”
Hermione and Ron processed that for a moment.
“That’s… horrible,” Hermione said.
“Was anything that Dumbledore said true?” Ron asked, “The dark wizard stuff, or the not wanting to help with these Death Eater attacks?”
Harry remembered that Ron was an auror and his point of view on this particular subject might be tense.
“No. No one has asked me for help, I understand why, and that’s even a bit intentional,” Harry said, “I’m… I’m not a fighter. Nick trained me. I can fight, I was really good once. But I hate it. That doesn’t mean I’m dark. Anyone could ask me to help. I might not say yes. He’s not talked to me since he kicked me out, so Dumbledore would be the last person to have any knowledge about me.”
“We might need to come back to this topic later, but for now… what are your goals moving forward?” Ron asked.
“I’m trying to be healthy. None of my coping mechanisms were healthy, so now without them, I’m faced a lot more with the mental problems that I still have. I’m trying to learn and grow and find out what makes me happy,” Harry said, “Eventually I’d like to get a job, doing something I love. I don’t know what that would be yet. For now, I’m focused on my relationship with Blaise and reconnecting with people. I’ve seen Seamus and Dean and Neville a few times.”
“So why us last?” Hermione asked, slightly hurt again.
“Because I felt like you would be the least likely to want to see me,” Harry said, “And I was scared. Honestly, I know you’re still close with Dumbledore. And that’s okay, you don’t need to change that or anything, but that made me nervous. It still does.”
“Well we have a lot of thinking to do about that situation,” Hermione said, “I think, that’s all of our questions for now. Should we meet here next week? Maybe you could bring Blaise.”
Harry nodded, “Yes, that sounds good. Thank you both, so much for agreeing to meet with me. I appreciate it a lot.”
“I’m glad to see you again Harry,” Hermione said, “We have a lot to work through, but I’m happy that you’re getting healthy. We did miss you.”
Ron nodded, “See you later mate.”
Harry sat there long after they left, warmed by their openness to talking but also still feeling guilty about the way that it was obvious that he had hurt them deeply. He knew it was going to be a long road back to friendship with them, if they even wanted that again.
He sighed and started walking home. He contemplated that the next person that he should probably reach out to was Remus. He didn’t feel quite ready for that yet though. He still felt immense guilt for Sirius’s death and wasn’t sure that he could even look Remus in the eyes.
Remus had actually been there and seen what Harry had looked like when the Death Eaters were done with him. It wasn’t exactly a trigger, but it did make everything come rushing back to him in crystal clarity. He wasn’t sure that now was the time to add onto his stress. He almost felt like he had been regressing in dealing with his trauma lately. He didn’t have dreams when he slept with Blaise, but lately, things that never used to bother him were giving him severe reactions.
Just the other day, he’d been in the kitchen with Blaise and Theo cooking, and Theo had pulled out a knife to cut some meat and Harry had just about blasted him through the wall out of fear. Another time, he himself had dropped a book he had been reading and even though he had seen it fall, the noise as it hit the ground had set him on edge for the rest of the day.
He’d mentioned it to his therapist and she said that now that he was finally sober and in a safe environment, a lot more of his triggers were coming to light. He no longer had Nick’s protection. He was back in Britain where everything had happened. Death Eaters were attacking again. He was reconnecting with old friends. And most importantly, he was actually sober. All of that was stirring up old feelings that he’d never dealt with.
It made him even more reluctant to try to deal with the Death Eater attacks because he was worried that he might have a melt down if he was in a stressful environment.
Harry shook his head to break himself out of his thoughts as he entered the empty potions shop. Blaise saw him and Harry could tell that he was trying to read him to see how the visit had gone.
“They don’t hate me,” Harry said before he could even ask.
“Well that’s good,” Blaise said cautiously.
“They still… they told me that I hurt their feelings,” Harry swallowed, “But they asked a lot of questions, and they want to see me next week. They want to meet you too.”
“That’s great Harry!” Blaise said, coming out from behind the counter to hug Harry, “How are you feeling?”
“Um,” Harry was surprised when his voice shook again, and his eyes felt hot, “Good…. Actually I don’t know why I’m…”
He trailed off and wiped his eyes before tears could fall. Blaise waited patiently for him to respond.
“I talked about a lot of stuff that was hard I guess. They… like Dumbledore, but they seemed pretty horrified about what I said, but they said they still need to think about it, and I could tell Ron wasn’t pleased that I’m not helping the aurors, but other than that, it went actually really well, I’m not upset,” Harry said, even as the tears kept coming slowly, “I’m overwhelmed I think.” He laughed a little bit at himself.
Blaise pulled him into another hug, “That’s understandable Harry. It’s probably also a delayed reaction from bringing up the stuff from your past.”
Harry nodded, “Yeah, I am okay though, I might just go take a nap.”
“That’s a good idea, I’ll be down here if you need anything,” Blaise said. Harry nodded gratefully and gave him a deep kiss before he went upstairs.