Chapter 23
Harry woke up before Blaise with a rumbling stomach. He didn't want to wake Blaise, who looked to be sleeping peacefully, so he slid out of bed gently and quietly made his way to the kitchen. It seemed like his stomach was working overtime to make up for all of the meals that he had missed during the whirlwind of the last two weeks.
He made himself toast and was making himself tea when he heard footsteps coming from the hallway, he looked up, expecting to see Blaise, but was greeted with the sight of Pansy instead.
"Good morning, Harry," she said.
"Good morning," he greeted.
"I'm glad to see you again, you're looking better," Pansy said quietly. "I was worried for a little bit there that you wouldn't be coming around anymore."
Harry felt a slight flush of guilt for what he must have put Blaise through during the whole ordeal, "Yeah, I'm glad to be here. It all got so messed up for a little bit."
"Are you okay now? I know Blaise was really worried," Pansy said.
"I'm getting there. I'm definitely more okay than I was," Harry told her.
"Good, some of the stuff Blaise was telling us, that's serious," Pansy said, "He didn't tell anyone else, and he didn't give us a ton of details, by the way. He just needed some help figuring out what to do."
"He can tell anyone he wants, I trust him," Harry said, "And I'm sorry that he ever needed to be in that situation in the first place."
"He just cares a lot about you," Pansy said.
"I know. I care about him too," Harry told her, sipping his tea. An owl flew through the window to Harry. He read the note and saw that Luna had agreed to meet him at Blaise's potions shop in two hours.
"What's that?" Pansy asked.
"I have this interview with Luna Lovegood to do. She started a story on me, but so much has changed since then, so she wants to meet up again," Harry explained, "I'm... I think I'm done with that life now, but I don't want to completely bail on her article because she's been so nice."
"Is she coming here? She's friends with Blaise, does she know you're dating?" Pansy asked.
"She is coming here, I could take her somewhere else though if Blaise doesn't want people to know, I'll have to talk to him," Harry reasoned.
"Are you telling her... everything?" Pansy asked.
"Probably not, depending on what she asks. Some of it is really heavy and I don't know if she even wants that," Harry said thoughtfully, "And I'd rather not have my deepest secrets out for the public to discuss and make opinions on. I don't even know how I feel about half of it. I don't want to have other people telling me how to feel about it."
"You do have a lot of deep stuff. Have you ever considered a therapist, or a mind healer? Just to help you deal with everything and process what you've been through?" Pansy asked.
"No, I've never thought of that," Harry said.
"Well, I've gone, and I know that a few of my friends went for various things, I think it could really help you. I could give you the name of someone," Pansy offered, "You definitely don't have to, but it does really help some people."
"I'll think about it," Harry said honestly. He didn't know how he felt about talking to a stranger about everything that had happened to him, but he had to admit that he certainly hadn't dealt with it well these last few years. He didn't want to hurt Blaise or anyone else again because he couldn't figure out his own issues.
Harry munched on toast as they fell into a comfortable silence. Theo joined them after a few minutes. Blaise came out last as the trio fell into a discussion on what flavor of jam they liked best on their toast. He came up behind Harry's chair and gently placed his arms around Harry's shoulders. He bent down and kissed the top of Harry's head. Harry leaned back and allowed himself to enjoy the easy, domestic harmony that existed in the apartment.
"Did Luna ever get back to you?" Blaise asked as he got himself something to eat.
"Yeah, we're meeting here in a few hours. I never asked you, did you want to keep this private? If you do, I can just take her somewhere else to talk..." Harry asked, somewhat awkwardly.
"If you're okay with her knowing, I'm okay with it. I do think you should ask her not to make it a huge part of the article, if that's possible though," Blaise said.
"Yeah, I will. I don't really want it to be about us. That's personal," Harry said.
"Okay, then you could just come up here to talk," Blaise said, "Then you would have more privacy."
"I don't mind if you're there," Harry told him as Blaise sat down next to him. Blaise nodded.
"Well I suppose, I should go open the shop," Theo said with a big stretch. Pansy nodded and stood with him, "Yes and I need to get to work as well."
Blaise and Harry spent the next two hours organizing Harry's things into his own dresser in Blaise's room and making space for him in his closet. They also found themselves... distracted by each other several times. During one time where Blaise had Harry pinned down to the floor, they were interrupted.
"Harry! Luna's here," Theo's voice called from the living room. Blaise groaned above him. Harry giggled a bit. Luckily, they were still both clothed. Once they straightened up, they went to greet their guest.
"I let her up, but I need to get back down," Theo told them before he hurried back.
"Hello Luna," Harry greeted with a handshake.
"Hello Harry, it's nice to see you again, you look well," she said kindly, "And Blaise, I must say I am surprised to be having this meeting in your flat. Are you...?"
"Yes we're together," Blaise nodded.
"Was it after you met at dinner?" Luna asked with a small smile.
"Yes, it took a little bit but... yeah," Harry finished lamely.
"So this is the off-limits boy you didn't want me to dig into then," Luna realized.
"Yes, it's not a secret, we just don't want people to make a big deal out of it," Harry told her.
"I understand," she nodded. Harry gestured for her to take a seat. He and Blaise sat on the couch, Harry closest to Luna, and Blaise on the other side with a polite distance in between them.
"So... I think we have a lot to catch up on," Luna said. Harry nodded. "Before you start, I want you to know that I've spoken with Ron, Hermione, Molly Weasley, Albus Dumbledore, and I received a letter from Remus. Most of their stories line up, but there are a few details that I'd like to get your opinion on. In addition, I've been asked to tell you that Molly has an open invitation to you any time you'd like at the Burrow. Remus has also told me that he'd like to catch up with you too. Ron and Hermione are also open to a conversation with you."
"Really?" Harry said, shocked and touched. He hadn't seen any of those people in years. He had assumed they'd all moved on or hated him for abandoning them the way he did. Luna nodded.
"Dumbledore also extended an open offer to talk, though he didn't seem to think it would be received well," Luna added on more cautiously.
"He's right," Harry bit out.
"Alright. Well, let's just get into it then, if there's any point that you don't want to talk about let me know. If you need to take a break, just let me know," Luna said and then took a deep breath like she was nervous. Harry wondered what she was about to ask that made her so nervous. "My biggest question, the most important one, revolves around the circumstances around your disappearance. Dumbledore told me that you were captured by Death Eaters but that you managed to escape."
Harry felt his ears ringing in the silence that filled the room after.
"Did he?" he asked in a voice that was calm, quiet, and detached.
Luna nodded, "All of my other sources mentioned some sort of interaction with Death Eaters, but either did not know, or in Remus's case, would not actually say what happened. So Harry, what do you want to tell me about that?"
The ringing had progressed to roaring, "What did he tell you about it?" Harry's voice sounded far away, even to himself.
"He only said that you wanted him to lift his protection, and so he did, and then you were captured, and he hasn't seen you since," Luna said carefully, like she knew she was treading on dangerous waters.
"Interesting," Was all Harry could say for the moment, "Well."
He took a moment to try to gather his thoughts. He felt Blaise's presence on the other side of the couch shift slightly closer to him in support.
"I can tell you that I did not want him to lift his protection. He kicked me out of Hogwarts. In fact, I begged him to let me stay long enough to owl someone to come get me," Harry said honestly, "I had no magic at the time. It was exhausted."
"From your battle with Voldemort?" Luna checked, and after Harry's controlled nod, "Why did he kick you out?"
Harry didn't want to talk about horcruxes. It was better that the public never knew about them. He debated what to say. He also didn't want to paint the picture that he was a threat that Dumbledore wanted to get rid of because he didn't know if people would believe him or Dumbledore.
"We were having arguments about a lot of things, how to finish the war and such, and I think he just grew tired of me. I don't know, maybe he thought I was more fully healed than I was?" Harry said and then shrugged, "I had no way of defending myself. The Death Eaters found me incredibly fast. I don't even know how they knew I was out of Hogwarts."
"Are you suggesting Dumbledore leaked your location?" Luna quickly picked up. That's exactly what he did, Harry thought to himself.
"I don't know. I don't know why he would have, but he was the only one who knew I wasn't at Hogwarts anymore. It couldn't have been more than five minutes," was all Harry ended up saying.
Luna nodded and jotted some notes down, "So you were captured. I'm assuming Remus was a part of the team to come to rescue you. I also know from Ron and Hermione that Sirius Black was your godfather and was innocent. Remus didn't name him, but I have gathered that he was the 'mutual friend' who he spoke of. He was also on the team that rescued you, correct?"
"Yes," Harry said thickly. He normally avoided thinking of Sirius because he never really dealt with the grief that had come with his death, "He died to save me."
Luna gave him a genuinely sympathetic look, "I'm sorry to hear that. Did Dumbledore assist on this mission?"
Harry shook his head, "Remus reached out to him, but he didn't want anything to do with it. Nicholas Flamel helped put it together. He rescued me, healed me, trained me."
"I see," Luna jotted down a few more notes, "Well that clarifies a lot. Were you in bad shape afterwards?"
Harry knew Luna was trying to be gentle and ask if he had been tortured or not. He figured it was an inevitable topic, but he wasn't going to go into detail.
"I was, for a long time," he said, "I don't talk about it."
"Okay, that's fine," Luna nodded respectfully, "So next, how do you feel about the recent drama concerning you and your responsibility in stopping these Death Eater attacks?"
Harry honestly hadn't thought much about it since the article. It had upset him, obviously as he'd turned to hard drugs to deal with it, but he had been so busy since that he hadn't even been thinking about it. He took a moment to decide.
"Well, I do have a lot of feelings about it. The first thing I'll say is that no one has actually reached out to me to do anything about it. I haven't heard from the Minister or Dumbledore. No one has asked for my help, so I don't really know how it could be decided that I wouldn't help," Harry said, "Now I know my... lifestyle choices might make it seem that I'm uninterested in helping, but I've never actually said that, to anyone."
"So are you willing to help? Be the protector and the savior that everyone is asking for?" Luna asked.
Harry shook his head, "If there is something specific they want help with, I'd be open to talking about it. However, I'm never going to work for the Ministry, or take orders from Dumbledore. I'm not going to hold the protector role. I'm not interested in fighting or anything like that. I think that people should know how to defend themselves. If there is a crisis, and someone thinks I could help, they can ask. I might say yes. I might say no. It is my own life to live."
"Understandable, and what do you say to the claims that you're going dark because of your lifestyle?" Luna asked.
"Well, I don't even know what that means to be honest. Going dark? If that means hurting, torturing and killing then no. I don't want power. Light or dark," Harry said, "I don't know where people are getting the idea that I would want any sort of following or political power."
"I think people who have done what you did generally rise to power in some way or another," Luna said.
"Right. Well, I was fourteen, I had no idea what I was doing. I was honestly terrified, and since then I've spent the last few years trying to deal with everything that I went through afterwards. There's not a lot of time in there to decide if I want to 'rise to power'," Harry said very matter of factly.
"Let's talk about you... 'dealing' with everything that happened." Luna said, "I shadowed you on one of your nights out Harry, and let me tell you, you lived up to all of the rumors. It was wild. And dangerous. What do you have to say about that?"
Harry sighed and looked over at Blaise. He didn't know what to say.
"When I came back... I was angry at some people. I didn't want to be in the 'savior' position. I didn't want to become an auror or a role model. So I went the other way. I met some people, and they encouraged it. It made it so that I didn't have to deal with or think about anything that had happened," Harry said, "In a lot of ways, I was lashing out, at the world, and at myself."
"Why yourself?" Luna caught that bit even though Harry had already regretted saying it.
"I blamed myself for Sirius's death. I blamed myself for a lot more things," Harry shrugged, "I don't know, I just wasn't happy for a long time."
"And now? You've been speaking like a lot of this is in the past," Luna probed.
"Well, I'm taking a step back from the public eye. I'm... trying to live healthier, and actually deal with the things that have happened. I'm just finally taking the time to try to put myself back together," Harry said.
"What changed?"
"Well, I met someone who showed me how peaceful a normal life can be. That good still exists. And, I've recently found out that a lot of people don't hate me the way I thought they did," Harry said, looking at Blaise again. He then turned to Luna, "And, it was getting to a point that was out of control. The people who were with me were not looking out for me. They were manipulative. My life was in danger many times. I probably couldn't have survived much longer."
"Well, I for one am glad that you got out of that then, is this a temporary break or do you plan on the change being permanent? What's next for you?" Luna asked.
"I'm not sure what's next. I'm sure there will be bumps down the road, but right now I'm really happy. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do, and I'm just trying to heal. And yes, this break from that lifestyle is permanent," Harry said confidently.
"Okay, so those were the most pressing questions I had. I do want to ask you a few more though," Luna said, "Can I ask you about your childhood a bit more?"
"I mean, you can ask," Harry said, slightly uncomfortable with it. He hadn't even really told Blaise much about his relatives.
"Molly mentioned that she thought that you didn't like living with your relatives much, is that true?" she asked.
"It is. We didn't really get along. They're afraid of magic. So, that made it tough for me," Harry said, "And I won't make you ask, they weren't abusive, if that's where this is going. I had to do a lot of chores, and they didn't really give me much attention or energy. They were happy when I was gone. But they didn't beat me or anything."
"I see," Luna said. Harry chanced a glance at Blaise to see that his face was stone cold and still. He figured there would be a conversation about that later. "Can we talk a bit more about your years at Hogwarts?"
"Sure," Harry said.
"You mentioned in the first interview that there were a few things that happened at school that were not enjoyable, but unique to you?" Luna asked.
"Voldemort, he was never actually dead. In my first and second year I had... interactions with him towards the end of both years that ended up putting myself and my friends in a bit of danger. We'd have various injuries, and it was always quite scary," Harry said, "In my third year, I found out that my godfather was actually innocent, which was a whole situation that ended up in him still being on the run. Those situations weren't exactly normal, or safe."
"Why didn't Dumbledore protect you? Students at school should be safe," Luna said.
"I don't know what that man thinks. I think I was always the exception to him. Maybe he thought I could handle myself? I honestly haven't the slightest idea what he knew and allowed to happen," Harry said.
"Was there anything else that happened that made your school difficult?" Luna asked.
"It was always hard with everyone recognizing me for my name and my scar. In my second year, and my fourth, everyone turned against me, kind of like they're doing now. They thought I was selfish, evil, attention-seeking, the works," Harry said, "But my friends were really good and always made sure that I never felt too alone. I want to thank them for how they stood by me, and I want to apologize for just ditching them after the war. There was a lot going on, but they deserved more than I gave them."
Luna nodded thoughtfully and stared at her notes.
"Well Harry, I think that answers everything," she said, "I'm going to work on a rough draft, I might need to reach out to you with further questions. I'll also show you a draft as well, I won't promise to change it, but I'll give you a chance to rectify things if you feel I've misunderstood something."
"Thank you," Harry said. He was deeply grateful for her kindness.
"Of course, thank you Harry, for being so open and honest, I know it's probably not easy." Luna said as she stood, "I'll be in touch."
She flood out of the room and Harry sank back against the couch cushions.
"You handled that very well," Blaise complimented. Harry crawled across the couch to him and laid down in his open arms. He gave a deep sigh as Blaise rested a hand in his hair.
"I hate him," Harry murmured. He was shaken by a few different things that they had talked about. The main one being Dumbledore. Blaise didn't say anything. "He's the reason I was stuck with the Dursleys and terrorized during school. Then he tried to kill me twice. And now... I'm so messed up from all of that, and he's telling people I've gone dark. He's acting like I was the one who-"
Harry broke off, surprised by his own sob.
"I know sweetheart, I know," Blaise said sadly, holding him as he cried.
When Harry calmed down a bit he said, "I just don't want him to talk about me. I don't want him to think about me. I never want to be around him, because every time I am, something really bad happens. And I hate that I'm still so scared of him."
"It's okay to be scared of him," Blaise soothed, "It's a very natural reaction to all of this."
Harry went quiet for a few minutes. "I should reach out to Ron and Hermione. And Remus. And probably Molly."
"You could. You don't have to though," Blaise said.
"I know. But I feel bad, and... I do miss them," Harry said quietly, feeling guilt and grief churn in his stomach.
"Then write a letter, see if they want to talk," Blaise suggested. Harry nodded.
"I also need to write a letter to the therapist Pansy recommended," Harry said after a time.
"That's a good idea too," Blaise said, "I'm so proud of you for trying to get better. But don't feel pressured to do it all at once. Take your time."
They fell into silence for a bit.
"Did you mean it? About helping?" Blaise asked.
"I would think about it if someone reached out, what do you think I should do?" Harry asked.
"I think you've done enough for this country. I don't think you owe it to anyone to put yourself in danger," Blaise said, "Selfishly I want you to tell them no as well. But, if you think you could help, and if you truly want to, not because you feel like you 'should' but because you actually want to, well then, I'll support you. But I really don't think you have to."
"Thanks," Harry said, "I'm not going to make any decisions right now."
He yawned and snuggled into Blaise, "You're always so comfortable. You make me sleepy."
"I think that also has to do with the immense amount of stress you've been under, you need rest," Blaise said softly, "Sleep, if you want to."
And Harry did.