EPILOGUE

REMUS

OLD ROUTINE:

Get up and get dressed.

Smoke a fag along side a cup of black coffee. 

Get to class, or work, or both, depending on the day. 

Get home.

Make dinner, or don’t. 

Study, then fall asleep at the desk. 

Wake up by a call from Lily or Evan. They take turns to check up on you. 

Go for a run, or don’t. You usually do. You usually have to take your inhaler with you. You always push yourself too far. 

Take a shower. 

Stalk them, all three of them. 

Watch from afar.

Stalk their new friends and their new friends, old friends.

Wonder if their new friends are smarter, funnier, better? 

Tell Lily to fuck off, because she can’t take "no" for an answer.

Feel extreme regret about giving her a key to your apartment as she stumbles in unannounced. 

Tell her to fuck off again and again and again. 

Let her help you clean or cook or whatever it is she feels is necessary. 

Let her sleep beside you on the bad days. 

Text her girlfriend to come get her on the good days. 

Pray that the squad doesn't invite themselves in. 

Tell Evan to fuck off, if they do. 

Tell Mary to get lost and Dorcas to leave. 

Be scared of Dorcas because she's dangerous. 

Don't be scared of Barty, because even if he's crazy, he won't be crazy towards you. 

Pandora likes you and Barty's scared of Pandora. 

Barty is the only one who's scared of Pandora. 

Padora is the only one Barty is scared of. 

Pray that Regulus will appear.

He usually does.

Feel ashamed.

He's the little brother of a memory. 

A memory you haven't seen or spoken to in almost two years.

A memory you don't talk about.

This has been your routine, this has been your routine since your mother died. 

Remus writes “new routine” on the next page, thinks for a bit, then puts down the pen and the notebook. Regulus told him yesterday that writing down your “now life” and your “new life” can help get things going. Get a grip and make a plan to fix yourself , he had said . Regulus can fuck-right-off. 

Regulus Black only really comes to the coffee shop when Evan has a shift there. Yesterday, Evan didn’t have a shift and so the boys’ appearance had put Remus somewhat off guard. He had taken his order and then proceeded to accidentally mix up his triple-espresso-shot-cappuccino with another customer's sweet-lemon-tea. 

“This isn't my order, Lupin.”

“What?”

“I didn’t order this.”

“Oh, bollocks. Sorry."

He had fixed his mistake and started to walk away from the counter, with some dishes, when Regulus had spoken again.  

"Can you take a break soon?”  

“Why? Do you want to interrogate me about the whole Barty-Evan situation? Because I'm not touching that.”

Regulus had made a noise from the back of his throat and Remus, who knew Regulus different laughs by now, had felt pleased. 

They had found themselves sitting on the stairs at the backside of the coffee shop, fifteen minutes later. Remus smoking a cigarette, Regulus drinking his killer-coffee. 

“When are you gonna stop smoking those? They are bad for you, you know.”

“Careful Reg, or I’m gonna start to think that you actually care about my well-being.”

“I like you more than I like most people, you know that.”

“That's only because I hate myself, your brother and everybody else on top of that.”

“Exactly, we’re one of the same.”

“That's a proper insult.”

“To you or to me?”

“Both?” 

silence.

“You’re withering away, Remus.”

“Fuck off. Is that why you came here? To lecture me?”

“I bought this notebook for you. I came to hand it over”

“Why did you buy me a notebook?”

“To help you get a grip of yourself? If you write out your life on a page, stand back and see how bad it’s getting, then maybe you’ll be motivated enough to change.”

Remus had stood up in a fit of swearwords. Cursing Regulus out, cursing everybody out. 

“Why does everybody treat me like a fragile bloody porcelain doll?"

“Because you're sad.”

“I thought ye liked that bout’ me! And by the way, I'm not sad, M’ grievin’.”

“Careful Lupin, your accent is slipping.”

Regulus had stood up too and Remus came face to face with a Black.

He still looked a lot like Sirius sometimes,only sometimes though. He had stood close and Remus couldn't help but wonder how he was related to the older Black-brother. He didn’t have Sirius' temper or impulsiveness. He didn't share many similarities to him at all, actually.

 He was just as good at making Remus upset though, but the desire that came with that anger didn't appear here. It was only anger, with Reg. Regulus usually kept his cool, which made Remus even more pissed off.

“M’ GRIEVING!” 

“Oh ,get off it already. You’ve been grieving your mother since she first got sick, Rem. This, whatever it is, is not grief. You're, I don't know. You're disappearing and I'm not going to stand beside and watch any longer.”

“Oh, because you’re so fucking famous for getting involved, are you? Known for doin’ the right thing and takin’ action!”

“Careful.”

“Ye’ be careful!”

“I’m one of the few people left to care for you, you know that, right?”

“I DIDN'T ASK YE’ TO” 

“YOU. DIDN’T. HAVE. TO…I- I saw you and saw me,in you. I knew that Sirius had left you just as fucked up as he left me. And so I did the only thing I know. I picked up his mess… Now, can you please stop screaming at me before my eardrums explode. Take the damn notebook and make a list of your current routine, then a new one that you’ll try and stick to.”

“It’s…It’s not like a diary, is it?”

“Are you twelve?” 

Remus had taken the notebook with force from Regulus' hand then. Asked if he wanted a scone and then that had been that. 

The thing with Regulus Black, is that he’s good for Remus in a way his bastard brother hadn't been. 

Remus is fire.

Regulus, is a fire extinguisher. 

Sirius, had been gasoline. 

He picks up the notebook for the second time now, and starts writing under the title “new routine”. 

NEW ROUTINE

Get up and get dressed.

Drink a cup of black coffee; alongside breakfast?. 

Get to class, or work, or both, depending on the day. 

Get home.

Make dinner.

Study.

Go for a run, but don’t push yourself too hard.

Take a shower. 

Don’t check their social media, they're not in your life anymore. (matter of fact, maybe you should block them.)

Don’t tell Lily to fuck off, she’s your best friend. 

Let her help you clean or cook or whatever it is she feels is necessary. 

Let her sleep beside you on the bad days. 

Text her girlfriend to come get her on the good days. 

Spend more time with your friends. 

Expect Regulus to appear. He’s one of your best friends now. 

Stop feeling bad about the fact that you’re friends with Regulus Black. 

Don’t think about what Sirius would say about it, it doesn’t matter.

Remus hears his door starting to rattle and hasn’t counted to five before Mary, Lily and Barty stumble in. 

“Knocking, have you heard of that?”

He closes the notebook shut and sticks it in between the sofa cushions. 

Mary ignores him, and speaks with a mouth full of gum, as she flips her uncomfortable-looking shoes off. 

“Evan is on his way to pick up Dorcas, they’ll be here in twenty aaaaand I think Reg and Pandy will be here in five minutes or so.”

Lily smiles apologetic behind Mary.

“Sorry, I was going to call but I knew you would say no, so I thought it would be better if we just appeared out of the blue.”

“This isn't a clubhouse, you know. It’s my apartment. MY apartment, as in private.”

“I like the sound of clubhouse. Should we put a sign on your door that says clubhouse?”

Barty speaks fast. He doesn't even take off his shoes, but goes straight to Remus' fridge. He opens it, stares into the emptiness for a while and then shuts it again with a thud. 

“Really Remmy-Lemmy? Why is this empty? Do you want to die?”

“Yes.”

“Shut up Remus, shut up Barty.” 

Lily comes over to the sofa and plops herself down beside Remus. She points at Barty, where he stands in the kitchen doorway, with a very demanding hand. 

“You and Mary can go and buy some food to fill that sad excuse of a fridge, can’t you? You'll be back just in time for our last members to enter the clubhouse”

“This is not a clubhouse.”

Mary puts on her shoes again and waves at Barty to get going.

“We can very much do that, yes. Come along, loverboy!”

They’re out of the apartment just as fast as they came, leaving Remus with the bossy redhead. 

“I didn't know you had a diary”

She fishes up the notebook from where it was so poorly hidden in the sofa. Remus tries to grab it from her but she’s faster than him. Standing up, holding the notebook with a straight arm over her head.

“Hey, give it. S’ not a diary Lily, it’s a-”

“ Oh, It sooo is a diary, you hid it in the sofa for Pete's sake! Can I read it?” 

“No- What? If you believe it to be a diary, what right do you think you have to read it?”

“I don’t think I have a right to read it, I think I have a right to ask.”

He stands up too and takes the book from her without even having to put in an effort. 

“Fuck off.”

“Boring boy.”

“Fuck off ”

Lily had been a friend even before the dissolvement of “The Marauders”. Somewhat a friend at least. They didn't hangout outside of work before. She noticed he was doing bad, real bad, the summer the others had left. She had forced him to meet her girlfriend Mary and spend time with them. That's how she and Mary became who they are today. His best friends.

Then, Evan started working at the coffee shop and Remus found the shifts shared with him, calm and pleasant. That's how Evan became who he is today. His other best friend.

Lily befriended Dorcas, who always came to the coffee shop with Barty, to say hi to Evan. 

Friends of Lily could potentially become friends of Remus. Friends of Lily and Evan? Yeah, Remus became a package deal. That’s how Dorcas and Barty became who they are today. His other, other best friends.

Pandora was strange and superstitious. Carrying crystals with her and answering normal questions with random riddles. Remus loved her. The only problem with Pandora had been her best friend and other half. Remus had known that Regulus was friends with Evan, and barty..and Dorcas, but he hadn't thought that meant he would have to meet the boy. 

The first interaction he had with the two had been when they walked through the doors of the coffee shop one day. Gray eyes had met brown and Remus had felt like puking.

It had been the wrong pair of gray eyes. Not the gray eyes that could make his knees buckle and skin tingle, but gray eyes, nonetheless. It had been awkward and insufferable. Both knew about each other, but neither knew each other. 

Then, somehow, they did. 

They did get to know each other.

Slowly. It hurt a lot at first.

Regulus looked so much like his brother in the beginning.

Not anymore. 

Now he just looks like Regulus. 

He isn't at all what Remus had expected either. Sirius had described a selfish, scared boy who only cared about himself. The Regulus, Remus had gotten to know, thought about everybody but himself.

That is, anyways, how Pandora and Regulus became who they are today, which is what? His other, other, other best friends?

Just like that, he had a new group. A big, messy group, who can’t respect boundaries or take no for an answer. A group who had been there when his mother died. Who had come to the funeral even after he said no. A group who took turns checking on him, because sometimes he got sad, really sad. 

The boys who had left him for other, better things, had tried to keep in touch for a while after Hogwarts. But Remus knew that was only out of pity. Because they had promised to stay and had felt bad about leaving. He always dreamed about screaming at them. You made your choice. Now stand for it . He had wanted them gone. Out of sight. Out of mind. 

But even as the phone calls became longer apart from each other, and the invitations became fewer, they were still a constant presence in his life. 

They are even now, two years later. It’s Remus' fault. It doesn't go a day without him checking their Instagram or snapchat story. He knows all about Frank Longbottom and Alice Fortescue. He sees every picture James and Sirius post with Marlene Mckinnon.

When Lily had found out, she had called him a freak and told him to call James up if he was so interested in how he was doing. She didn't understand. She still doesn't.

He wants to know what they left him for.
He wants to know if it was worth it.  
 It was.

Every time he sees a new picture of Peter with Alice Fortescue and Frank Longbottom, sitting on a picnic blanket in some park in Dover, he knows that it has been worth it for Peter.

Every time he sees a new snapchat story of James racing the blond girl, Mckinnon, over a football field, stopping to laugh in fits. He knows it has been worth it for James. 

Every time he sees that Sirius has updated his relationship-status from “single” to “it’s complicated” to “in a relationship”, he knows it has been worth it for Sirius.

“It’s like self-harm, being this invested in people you don’t want anything to do with.” 

“Sodd of Regulus, you do it too.”

“I don’t, though.” 

Remus got a new group. The fear of them leaving, always present, just like before. Even more than before, probably. Now his dad is gone, his mom is gone and the boys who promised to stay are gone. His new group doesn't say that they’ll stay, though. They show it instead, with actions. 

The front door flies open again. This time it’s Pandora and Regulus. 

“Hello darlings, oh what do you have there, Remus? Is that a diary?”

“Knock, learn to fucking knock, please Pandora, it’s so easy.”

“It is a diary.” 

“Fuck off, Regulus.”

He’s content with these people, happy even, no matter what Regulus claims. 

Remus doesn't need The Marauders in his life anymore.
He doesn't need the ghost of their presence through pictures and videos.

He doesn't miss Peters’ jokes, Barty is plenty of fun.

He doesn't need James' kindness, Lily' is his saving grace.

He doesn't want Sirius Black, those feelings are gone. 

He tells himself this over and over and over again. He writes it down in the notebook Regulus gave him. The diary , if you will.

He tries to convince himself, repeats it like a mantra, like a prayer.

Still, he can't help but to think,

It feels like a lie.