EPILOGUE

SIRIUS

“It's only two hours, I really don’t understand what the fuss is about.”

James is pacing in front of the couch on which Sirius is sitting. He's got his phone planted in between his ear and shoulder blade, his hands being occupied with a bunch of papers. Papers received from a variety of different classes that James just came home from. They are both halfway through their first term of uni and Sirius thinks it's been completely and utterly shit so far. James loves it, of course he does. James finds himself loving every situation he gets placed in. It's admirable, it's disgusting.

James has befriended a girl named Marlene Mckinnon. She is, undoubtedly, the coolest person Sirius has ever met, which takes a lot to admit. She is James' friend first and foremost. But she does refer to Sirius as her wife, which feels like a good sign even if it makes him a little bit confused. She's a fan of punk-rock and talks about becoming a car mechanic. So, basically, she's Sirius in female form. James can not stop joking about it. I knew directly that I was fond of her, and now we know why, she's you!

Sirius has befriended a total of zero people on his own. He goes to class, eats lunch with James and Marlene, talks to Peter over the phone and follows Euphemia Potter around as if he was a dog and she had a treat in her hand. 

He had known that he would miss Hogwarts. The old stone walls and dark wooden benches. The teachers, who surely celebrated his absence now, as "The marauders”, had done nothing but cause mischief in their years spent at the school. He had known that he would miss how every evening was like a sleepover and how his friends had been a constant presence in his life. 

He had known he would miss Peter and Remus. He had been prepared for the fact that he would miss everything, just not this much. 

"-I know that, Remus, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a two-hour trip. Nothing, it's nothing!" 

James stops in his pacing, apparently too invested in his conversation with Remus over the phone, to move. The thought of Remus makes Sirius want to curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. His best friend. His best friend . They have met twice since the uncomfortable scene that had been outplayed in the dorm room at Hogwarts. Twice in four months. 

Peter, who’s also about two hours away, comes to London every other weekend without fail. He has met some good people at his own university in Dover. Frank and Alice. He has brought them with him to London a couple of times. Peter referres to the couple as his "dover-parents". They’re only one year older, but apparently act like an old married couple. That, and the fact that they are very protective of Peter, has granted them the title. It has been a relief to Sirius, finding out that Peter has  found friends, people who look out for him. It has been an even bigger relief, finding that new friends doesn't mean getting rid of the old ones. Peter is still determined to meet up as often as possible. 

Two hours isn't a lot if you don't want it to be. Two hours can, however, be impossible if you don't put in the effort.

"I get that you have to work and...yes, yes, of course Moony. But-"

Sirius hasn't talked to Remus about the last conversation that they had before he left. Neither of them have brought it up over text and they’ve acted like nothing, on the few occasions on which they’ve met in person. Which is twice. Twice in four months. It hangs over them, like a sticky fog. It feels like there’s a distance between them now that hasn't been there before. Well, there is distance. A two-hour long distance.

Touch me, he had begged. Like that was something he had a right to ask in the first place.
Touch me, he whimpered. Like Remus wasn't his best friend, but rather something different, something else, something more. Remus hadn't brushed it off as a joke of sorts, either. He had been willing to do it. Willing to touch Sirius in exchange for him staying. He had been willing to touch him, but not because he had wanted to, but rather because he had been desperate. A plain old rejection would have been better. A punch to the stomach would have felt less. 

The lines that show how their friendship has played out, the lines drawn between a friendly handshake and a stolen kiss, now feel blurred. Not that Sirius has ever taken a kiss from the other boy. Not that he has ever so much as breathed near Remus in a suggestive way. But there’s still the lingering glances he can recall from their school years together. The exchange of intertwined, fumbling fingers, when the bottle was handed from one to the other. There’s the memory of late nights, when James and Peter had called it, leaving them alone, in front of the fireplace, sitting a little too close to each other. The lines feel blurry and Sirius can't help but wonder why they didn't feel blurry when those happenings were actually playing out. Was it because it felt right? Natural? Or was it because those things could be brushed off as "nothings" before? 

"Well, if you can't get to us, then I guess we will have to come to you" 

James plops down on the couch beside Sirius now, putting the schoolsheets he's been holding, on the coffee-table in front of them. He grabs his phone firmly with his hand to his ear and speaks whilst staring straight forward. He slumps a little suddenly, as if caught off guard, and Sirius wishes more than ever that the phone call was on speaker.

"Is she worse?"

James' voice sounds a bit strained now and Sirius catches himself knotting his hands to two, tight, fists. Unconsciously preparing to fight, to protect. 

"I’m sorry to hear that, Moony. But being alone right now sounds like a big no-no. You shouldn't have to go through all of this alone. Please-"

His mother, it must be. Hope Lupin has been sick for years, getting worse, getting a little better, then worse again. 

"What do you mean you're not lonely-..oh..Lily? Yes, I remember her. Lovely lassie, really...Meadowes? No, I don't remember a “Dorcas Medowes”..Well, it seems like you've got yourself a whole team of ladies there, Lupin!..Mary, yeah? Haven't met her, no..It would be lovely-to-do-so-though, so if you could just get-your-shit-together-and-set-a-date-already. We could-" 

Sirius's throat starts to get clogged up by a lump. A whole team of ladies? Remus Lupin, who was so scared of being left alone, has found himself a team of ladies? All whilst Sirius has made James' mother his number one pal and first choice of company. The fucking irony.

“If you don’t want to see us then just say so, Remus!.Well, if that is the case, just know that I don't actually give a damn, because you’re stuck with us whether you like it or not” 

Sirius knows what Remus must be thinking right now. That James is a liar because he left Remus alone in a city he hates, with a mother who’s dying. That James, just like Peter and Sirius, did what everybody else seems to do to Remus.That James promised to stay, but didn’t. He knows that Remus  is thinking this, because Remus is  a gloomy, destructive bastard with a shitty dad, who sincerely left him fucked up. Remus always jumps to conclusions on these kinds of things. Always thinks he’s unwanted and a bother. Always assume the worst in people.

 When Sirius and the others were fourteen, they found out about the absence of Remus’ father. Up until that moment, Remus had been hiding that piece of information from them, as if it was a shameful, disgusting secret. It had slipped out right after he had admitted to his mother being sick, which had been another thing he had been keeping from them. Sirius remembers it so clearly. 

Remus had been mad over the fact that they kept asking questions about why he went home every weekend. It had been late, Remus had been packing his suitcase and they had been nagging him all day, so he finally just snapped. Screaming about respecting boundaries and privacy and then it sort of just slipped out of him 

“It’s none of your business, why can you guys never fuckin’  leave things alone, huh? Why can’t ye leave me alone? What do ye expect to find out? That I work halftime at the bloody circus or something? Sorry to dissapoint. It’s mi’ mum, yeah? She’s sick. That's why I have to go home for the weekend, okay!? Shes sick and she'll probably be dead before the end of the month so thats fucking panging innit?” 

He had been shaking a little, vibrating. Hands flying wild as if he had lost his shit completely. All whilst the three other boys stood stunned in front of him The Manchester accent became thicker the angrier Remus got and he had been sounding like a proper roadman during the last part of his rant. It was then it had slipped out, in a stage of rage and exhaustion. 

“Ye wanna kno’  more things about me ye don't have shit to-do with? Ye want a whole fuckin’ list or sumfing? Lesse then shall we? Mi mum’s dyin, that ye already kno’..I’ve, oh! Ye don’t kno’ I have fuckin’ asthma now, do ye lads? Well I can’t fokkin breath sometimes so there's that..and hmm what more? Oh! Mi dad! Mi fokkin dad. The mucky fokkin man hasn't been seen for about four years now, has he? Didn't fookin want me so he took right off, and guess fokkin whut lads, that is non. of yer. bloody. business. so you can all just fuck. right. off.”

He had stormed off in a fit of swearwords. Slamming the door to the dorm room shut with such force that the curtain rods had been rattling. They had found him scrunched up, mopping on a bench fifteen minutes later. He had been blushing, staring at the ground as he apologized for “going ballistic”. Sirius remember the guilt he had felt, the desire to touch the other boy, hug him. Apologize for being an insensitive bastard. He hadn't done any of it. Remus had then proceeded to say that it was okay if they didn't want to hang out with him anymore. That had been when Sirius really started to feel nauseous. 

After an hour of reassurance, Remus had finally accepted that he wasn't wrong for having a shitty dad .

 It took Remus one hour to accept that his best friends still wanted him. 

It took Remus one month to open up more about his mother and three more months after that, before he mentioned his father again. 

It took Remus two whole years to admit to his fear of being left behind, alone.

James had promised him that they all would stay by his side no matter what. “You’re stuck with us, like a curse and a blessing. This is for life.” 

This isn’t for life, is all Sirius can think now. They didn't leave Remus behind, they moved to other cities for school. They had promised to stick by his side and they did, or tried to at least. They tried to see him, he was the one pushing them away. Remus was the one who canceled plans and ignored phone calls. Remus was the one to answer with dry text messages, not Sirius. Remus, not the others. Remus Lupin  had moved on to, what? A bunch of girls? They were probably not girls like Marlene was a girl, either. They were probably the type of girls who talked shit about people. They probably flirted with Remus every chance they got. The Marauders had promised Remus to stay, but he clearly didn’t want them to anymore. To hell with the past lines that felt blurry and the aching feeling in Sirius’ gut. To hell with the boy with those hands.

But he’s Sirius’s best friend.

Isn’t he Sirius's best friend? 

They aren't the same anymore, nothing is the same anymore. 

Remus was Sirius's best friend.

Sirius used to be able to read Remus like an open book. 

Now it feels like the book is in a foreign language, or maybe just too far away to read. 

Remus is moving on. He doesn't avoid the topic of what happened between them before Sirius left, he just doesn't care. There isn't a sticky fog over them these days, there's just nothing there at all. Remus Lupin has found new friends, has moved on, and unlike Peter, getting new friends does mean leaving the old ones behind for him. Or so Sirius interprets it, at least.

Remus Lupin had been his best friend, his everything, his blurry line . Now he’s nothing. 

Nothing.

It feels like a lie. 

Grow up, grow apart.

Leave a home, leave a heart.

You can't see without your eyes.

If you don't search, then you won't find.