The Biggest Laxative
Draco Malfoy felt his knees wobble beneath him with the tell-tale signs of nervousness. He had been on edge all week with the ongoing Hufflepuff-badger fiasco, but now he had to put all that out of his mind and focus on the task at hand.
The second task, to be precise.
He stood barefoot at the bank of the lake, next to Potter, Viktor, and Fleur.
Well, Potter, Crabbe, and Goyle that is. The real Viktor and Fleur were currently trapped in his trunk, along with his other captives.
Draco knew, logically, that he had no reason to be nervous. He already ordered Crabbe and Goyle to stand aside and let him win, meaning the only person he actually had to beat was Potter. Draco knew in his heart that Potter didn't stand a chance next to him - why he was the Great Draco Malfoy for Merlin's sake! However, standing there, seconds away from jumping into the lake in front of the entire school…he couldn’t help but be a little nervous.
“Your hour begins…now!” Bagman announced, and the crowd cheered.
Draco watched as Potter shoved something green in his mouth - Gillyweed? His heart lurched with hope at the prospect of bringing some to the Hufflepuffs and ending the badger war - Potter was bound to have more right?
Draco shook himself out of his thoughts as Harry Potter grew gills and webbed feet and jumped into the lake. This should have made Draco want to rush forward to beat him, but instead he hung back, taking his time. After all, he had a far better plan.
He waited until Crabbe and Goyle jumped into the lake too - both in their respective swim suits and arm floats - before he put this plan to action.
Clearing his throat dramatically for the onlooking crowd, Draco took out his wand and pointed it at the lake.
“Itnemauga!” he shouted, ignoring the crowd’s confused whispers.
Draco Malfoy had come up with this idea late last night - a little theory of his which he had high hopes for. If spells did one thing when said forward, wouldn’t it make sense for them to do the exact opposite when said backwards?
Just as he hoped it would, his backwards “Aguamenti” spell worked instantly. Instead of producing water from the tip of his wand, all the water in the lake flew up into Draco’s wand as if it were a vacuum.
The crowd ooh-ed and ahh-ed.
Draco smirked in triumph as the lake became nothing more than a great, dry crater. All throughout the non-lake, fish, mermaids, and the Giant Squid flopped around, gasping for water. Potter, Crabbe, and Goyle were also in the hole, looking very confused. On the other end of non-lake, the four hostages - Ron, Hermione, Fleur’s sister, and Shortnfat - were tied up, unconscious and unaware to what was going on.
Potter stood up, looking angry. “Malfoy, what’re you doing? You’re killing everything!”
Indeed, the fish and mermaids were looking very close to death.
“Isn’t it obivous?” Draco said, gleeful. “I’m winning! Also my name is Cedric.”
Draco glanced around to make sure no one heard Potter call him Malfoy. Thankfully, they seemed too preoccupied with the fact that Draco had just sucked up all the water from the lake to notice.
Harry glared at him before pulling his wand out and shouting, “Aguamenti!”
Draco gasped in horror as the lake refilled. “No!” he yelled, recasting his Itnemauga spell.
Resolves steeling in the face of this challenge, Harry and Draco went back and forth with their spells, causing the lake to fill and empty every other second.
“God…make it stop…” a mermaid groaned, clutching her throat.
Meanwhile, Crabbe and Goyle were sitting around and watching, still looking awfully stupid in their arm floats. In fact, they were so entranced in the scene before them, neither noticed when the Giant Squid crept up behind them.
Draco saw in his peripheral vision as Goyle was picked up and eaten by the Giant Squid. It was an unfortunate loss, but one that they had to move on from.
Finally, after what had to be his billionth time sucking up the lake water, Draco got tired of playing this game with Potter. He pointed his wand at Potter himself and yelled, “Yfeputs!” - the reverse of Stupefy.
Harry swiftly dodged out of the way of the red jet of light, which was probably for the best because Draco had no idea what the opposite of Stupefy would even do. Perhaps it would have caused Potter to feel really awake?
“Expelliarmus!” Harry shouted in turn. Draco narrowly managed to avoid it, the blast of the spell soaring right above his head.
“Sumraillepxe!” Draco cast, and this time Potter wasn’t quick enough. His spell hit him square in the chest.
Upon contact, Potter’s eyes widened as the spell made Draco’s wand fly directly into Potter’s hand.
The reverse of a disarming charm was apparently…a disarm-yourself charm. Figures.
“Thanks, Malfoy,” Harry quipped, looking triumphant with both wands in hand.
“I meant to do that!” Draco snapped to spare himself the embarrassment.
Harry frowned. “You meant to give me your wand?”
“Uh, yeah,” Draco scoffed like it was obvious. “Because now that you’re hands are full I can...get to my hostage first!”
At this remark, Draco took off running through the non-lake, sprinting as fast as he could in order to reach Shortnfat.
The crowd, which was already going wild during their duel, seemed to make even more noise as the Second Task became a race.
Draco chuckled to himself as Potter, unaware that they were going to be racing, ate his dust. Potter was tripping over his webbed feet while Draco had the foresight to wear his Light-Up Sketchers for the occasion. Only, Draco’s expression sobered when he saw, up ahead, he wasn’t in the lead after all.
Crabbe, as Viktor Krum, was also running towards his hostage - and he was nearly there. Draco felt his heart drop. He had told Crabbe to let him win! Was he truly disobeying his orders? How could he betray him like that?
In his fury, Draco hardly noticed Potter gaining on him. Draco's plan hadn't accounted for Potter’s incredible speed. But luckily his plan had accounted for Draco’s incredible knack for cheating. As Potter passed by, Draco merely reached out and yanked his hair back, hard. Potter fell to the ground with a grunt.
"Whoops!" Draco said, looking over his shoulder as he hurried on. "My hand must've gotten stuck in your hair!"
He turned back around just in time to see Crabbe reach Hermione, cutting her ropes free.
"No!" Draco yelled. "Me first!"
Crabbe looked at him, smirking cruelly.
"You know wha' they say," he shouted in Draco’s direction. "The early bird gets to the finish line first."
"That's not what they say!" Draco cried in horror as Crabbe hauled Hermione up the side of the lake.
"And our first Champion has just returned with his captive! Cheers for Viktor Krum!" Bagman announced to the crowd's roaring response.
No matter. He may not be able to get first, but second place was still his.
"Move out the way Potter!" Draco yelled. Potter had long since gotten up from the ground and managed to take the lead once more. Why was he so fast?
"Don't tell me what to do, Malfoy!" Potter yelled.
Huffing in frustration, Draco ran so that he was directly behind Potter and lunged for his ankles, biting every inch of them he could reach.
This motion sent them both tumbling to the ground, mere feet away from the hostages.
"Did you just bite me?" Potter asked, disgusted as he tried to kick Malfoy off of him.
"It's called strategy, Potter," Draco said, gnawing on his flesh. "If only I had salt…"
"I don't have salt but I do have a-salt," Potter said before kicking him right in the mouth. "Assault, get it? Right, take that for strategy."
Potter rushed forward to untie Ron, while Draco writhed in pain on the ground. Just when Draco thought it was hopeless and that he should accept his defeat he realized that Potter wasn't leaving with his hostage.
Instead he was looking at Fleur’s little sister.
"What's the issue Potter?" Draco spat. "You won, get out of here."
"Where's Fleur?" he asked, looking somewhat nervous. "Or whichever of your goons you made act as her I mean."
"I'll have you know, she got eaten by the Giant Squid," Draco said. "Why does it matter?"
Potter chewed on his lip for a minute, contemplative, before he made up his mind and began to untie her.
"Potter what are you doing?"
"I can't just leave her. What happens when the water comes back and…these guys wake up."
Potter finished by glancing down at the tough looking merman who was currently lying lifelessly on the ground.
"Wake up? Potter they are dead."
Potter shrugged, and continued to work his fingers around the knotted ropes.
Well if Potter was going to be stupid, Draco might as well seize his opportunity. He picked himself up from the ground and ran to Shortnfat.
"Suorecracni!" he yelled pointing his wand at the ropes, causing them to fall instantly. Draco moved to catch Shortnfat before he toppled to the floor as well, but he was a second late and Draco ended up being crushed beneath Shortnfat’s body weight.
He groaned, crawling out from underneath him. After brushing himself off, Draco grabbed Shortnfat’s ankles and began heaving him up out of the lake. This was a rather difficult task, but it wasn’t as difficult as Potter’s task to carry out two people.
Draco could understand now why this task was supposed to be completed underwater.
Arms burning with exertion, Draco made one final tug, and he and Shortnfat collapsed in a heap outside of the lake. The crowd erupted into cheers. Potter emerged a minute later, with both Weasley and Fleur’s little sister, looking bitter.
Draco's heart never felt lighter. He had beaten Potter! Crabbe still betrayed him - and he would pay for it later - but either way he still showed Potter up and that was all that mattered.
He sat up on the ground, Shortnfat still sleeping beside him, so that he could listen to the announcements.
"Attention, ladies and gentlemen - or I should I say gentlefish!" Bagman said laughing at his own 'joke' that was neither a joke nor funny. "The other judges and I have reached a conclusion."
Draco scoffed inwardly. As if any thinking was required to see how the points should be awarded.
"To Fleur Delacour, who lasted only four minutes before she was eaten by the Giant Squid, I award 1 pity point. Though Miss Delacour is still currently fighting for her life in the digestive track of the squid, don’t fret. Madame Pomfrey is on her way with giant laxatives, and all will be well.”
The crowd burst into noisy applause for the giant laxatives.
"To Cedric Diggory, who had the very creative idea to remove all the water from the lake, I award 25 points. This number would be higher, but some of the judges feel that the murder of all aquatic life was a bit ‘unethical.’"
Draco snuck a glance at Dumbledore up at the judge’s panel. He had a feeling that he was the judge to deduct his points. Draco had a hard time hiding his glare. Besides for that minor inconvenience, however, he felt rather prideful. Bagman had called his idea “creative.” Potter didn’t do anything creative, he thought, smirking. The crowd was going crazy, shouting his name. They weren’t shouting Potter’s name. Well, he supposed they weren’t really shouting his name either - just Cedric - but that was close enough.
He felt a warmth in his chest as he watched his classmates adore him. No one had ever cheered him on like this before…
Next to him, Shortnfat, seemed to stir. It must’ve been the crowd’s loud chant of “Cedric” that began to rouse him from his slumber.
“Mm…Ced?” he murmured.
Draco tried not to shudder at the nickname. “I won, Shortnfat. I won.”
It wasn’t true, but it felt true.
Shortnfat’s eyebrows furrowed. “What did you just call me?”
“Uh…” Draco panicked, heart sinking like a stone. “Oh, look they’re announcing Potter’s score now.”
"To Harry Potter who came in last with the use of Gillyweed…” Bagman continued.
Draco smirked as Potter frowned.
“But showed nobility and bravery beyond his years as he rescued not just his captive, but another, I award you 45 points.”
Fourty five points? Draco’s jaw dropped. He must’ve heard incorrectly. Potter got his hostages last. How on Earth could he beat him, and by 20 points? The crowd roared with applause, but Draco barely heard it over the sound of his own heart beat in his ears. He had lost. Potter had beaten him.
Distantly, Draco felt a hand touch his shoulder. He startled slightly, but it was just Shortnfat.
“It’s okay, Cedric,” Shortnfat pressed his lips to Draco’s neck. “You still won in my heart.”
Draco jumped to his feet abruptly, pushing Shortnfat away from him.
“And finally,” Bagman said. “To Viktor Krum, who came in first, despite not having any sort of plan, I award 45 points.”
Draco’s eyes met Crabbe’s from a little ways down the bank, and he shot him the fiercest glare. If not for Crabbe, he would have came in second at least. How could Crabbe betray him like that? They were supposed to be friends! That means he was supposed to do everything Draco says! Goyle listened - even when it caused him to get eaten by the Giant Squid.
Unable to handle listening to the cheers for Crabbe - well, Viktor Krum, but still - Draco turned around and walked back up to the castle, feeling glum.
***
Draco wandered around the corridors of Hogwarts aimlessly, sulking in his defeat. He wanted nothing more than to just lay down in his bed, but he knew he couldn’t. He couldn’t sleep in Cedric’s bed - the Hufflepuffs were still having a gang war, and he didn’t really want to get eaten by a giant badger. He couldn’t go to his real dorm either, because he didn’t very much want to face Crabbe after what had happened. All’s he could do was walk, wishing things had turned out differently.
“Hey, Cedric!”
Draco barely restrained himself from groaning as Shortnfat came barreling down the hall after him.
“What do you want?” Draco sighed, not slowing.
“Cedric, I found it!”
“Found what?” he asked, turning to face him.
Shortnfat lifted his hand to reveal a plastic bag with a green plant inside.
Draco’s woes fled from his mind. “You found Gillyweed?” he asked, heart soaring with newfound hope.
Shortnfat nodded eagerly. “After you left, I asked Potter where he found it! Turns out he got it from a House Elf named Dobby and-”
“Dobby?” Draco asked, incredulous. “Dobby does drugs?”
“House Elves work hard, but they relax even harder,” Shortnfat said with a shrug. “Now, come on, and let’s get it back to the rest of the Hufflepuffs! We’ll be heroes!”
“We?” Draco asked, snatching the bag from Shortnfat’s hands. “Come on, let’s go so I can fix this once and for all!”
Together, Draco and Shortnfat rushed down to the basement. Once they reached the barrels, Draco stepped aside so Shortnfat could complete the knock - Draco wasn’t taking any chances with the whole vinegar thing.
They took a steadying breath before entering the room. Immediately they were engulfed in chaos. Some Hufflepuffs were running, their hair matted and clothes torn. Others were cowering behind furniture in fear. And still, others were attacking.
“SEIZE THEM!” someone screamed. Draco turned to see S.G, half-dressed and psychotic looking, his stupid glasses no longer on his face.
Behind him was a terrifying, giant mass of fur. Draco averted his eyes in fear of being killed by the Giant Badger.
“No!” Draco yelled, holding up his hands. “I come in peace!”
“How should we believe you? After you betrayed us?” S.G asked, cruelly. Then looking to the ceiling he began to speak in a serious of clicks and squeaks - Badgertongue.
Draco watched in horror as a second badger descended from the attic.
Staring determinedly at the floor, knees shaking as the badgers approached, Draco yelled, “Wait!”
“Never!” S.G snarled.
“I found it!” Draco said, waving the bag of Gillyweed in the air. “Stop the madness!”
Instantly a hush fell over the room. Even the badgers halted in their tracks. The only noise Draco could hear was Shortnfat’s labored breathing. A figure emerged from behind a tipped armchair - Plain Ugly. Her face was stained with blood and grime, and there was a haunted look in her eyes.
“Is it true?” she gasped, stumbling closer to the bag. “Or is this some cruel illusion, designed by the Grant Master of Fate with the sole purpose of taunting me? Can I truly be sure that the gift before me is reality, or will I forever be stuck in a loop of skepticism, the line between wake and dream blurrier than a foggy, stained-glass mirror? Is it the answer to all my prayers, or is it but a fleeting mirage in the desert? And if it is a mirage, is that so bad? Is it so terrible to live in delusions of grandeur, so long as those delusions are safer than the truth? After all, if it-”
“Shut up and take the drugs, already!” Draco snapped, unable to handle it anymore.
Lips trembling, hesitant, Plain Ugly reached for the bag. Her fingers shook as she took a strand of the green stuff and snorted it. The surrounding Hufflepuffs waited with bated breath for something to happen, anything that would prove the drug’s authenticity.
Before long, Plain Ugly’s eyes developed a rather hazy quality and she said, “Gnarly, dude.”
The Hufflepuffs burst into raucous applause, and instantly they all came out of hiding, Killer Badgers and Gang Wars forgotten. They swarmed Draco, all fighting for a piece of the delectable drug.
“There’s enough for everyone,” Draco said, placatingly, as they all got their fill. Even Shortnfat took a little nibble. The only one in the room who hadn’t gotten any, besides for Draco, of course, was S.G who was standing off in the corner, his Badger’s by his side.
“Don’t you want some?” Draco asked, narrowing his eyes. “And why haven’t you sent those Badger’s back, yet?”
S.G stood, slightly hunched over and his face flushed, looking half-ashamed, half-disappointed. He gave a little shrug, before speaking in Badgertongue one final time, and forcing the Badgers to recede back into the ceiling, hopefully forever.
Despite putting the Badgers back, S.G still looked rather…odd. He wrapped his arms around himself and kicked the air with his foot.
Confused, Draco shook the bag in his direction. “There’s still some left…”
“I know,” he said sharply, averting eye contact. “I don’t want any.”
The nearby Hufflepuffs all gasped as one at this blasphemous statement.
Draco, instead of feeling offended, felt anger stir in his stomach. “What do you mean you don’t want any? You were the one killing people over this whole ordeal! I even got a small hole in my robes from running from those monsters!”
S.G’s eyes darkened a scowl overtaking his face. “Well, maybe it was never about the drugs, you ever think of that?”
The air turned suddenly frigid. While Draco knew the room to be full of high Hufflepuffs chatting around him, in that moment he only had eyes for S.G.
“I’m the heir of Hufflepuff,” he said coolly. “Do you really think I’d lose my mind over something as trivial as drugs?”
Draco swallowed. “Well, seeing as you’re a useless Hufflepuff, yes actually.”
S.G tilted his head to the side, thoughtful. “You speak of Hufflepuff…as if you aren’t one.”
Draco’s heart missed a beat. “You’re one to talk. Hufflepuffs aren’t usually known for murder.”
S.G’s face split into a wide grin. “But they will be. After I’m the only Hufflepuff left.”
Draco’s eyes widened. “What?” he exclaimed. “What kind of ridiculous motive is that?”
S.G shrugged, his smile dropping and looking rather calm. Too calm for the subject which they were just speaking of. “You know, I’m feeling tired. I’ll talk to you later.”
Somehow the way he said “talk” made Draco think he didn’t really plan to do much talking at all.
Adrenaline coursing through him, Draco rushed forward and followed S.G as he made his way to the dorms.
Draco had too many problems to deal with this one. A murderous Hufflepuff was the last thing he needed.
So, this all made it very easy to do what he needed to do.
“Stupefy!” Draco shouted, and S.G fell to the floor in a heap. Draco let out a breath of relief.
Thankfully, the Hufflepuffs would be too high to notice anything amiss as Draco dragged an unconscious S.G out of their Common Room and towards the Slytherin’s.