Different Meanings
Remus woke to an aching head and a nauseated stomach. Why did he always think drinking was a good idea?
He did not want to get up. For one, he was pretty sure he’d be sick the moment he tried to move. Additionally, he had enough vague memories of the night before to know it was going to be an awkward morning. Kissing Sirius had been… amazing. But they’d both been drunk, and there was no way of knowing if it had actually meant anything to Sirius, or if he’d just been feeling the alcohol and close atmosphere.
Remus reminded himself not to hope for anything, but it was a bit too late. The memory was already there, a tiny taste of what he’d wanted for so long, and it made him feel giddy and ill all at once. He forced himself to open his eyes. Better to deal with it before it drove him crazy.
Except he couldn’t deal with it, because Sirius had decided to disappear. He wasn’t in the dorm when Remus forced himself out of bed, amazingly without vomiting. Sirius didn’t go to breakfast, where even James and Peter eventually turned up, bedraggled and pale. Remus could ask James to check the map, but he didn’t want to sound desperate. He just hoped someone else would worry eventually.
Since it was a Sunday, and there was a fantastic lack of classes, Remus spent his morning lying in the sun, trying to rejuvenate himself a little. Slowly, what with the food and rest and sunlight, his body began to feel better. His mind did not. He’d been so stupid. Sirius was a touchy drunk. He always had been, if Remus was remembering properly. He’d seen him snog countless girls at parties after a few too many drinks. Countless fucking girls. He desperately needed to talk to Sirius.
The opportunity finally came that night, after dinner. Sirius hadn’t shown up for a single meal that day, and Remus was becoming properly concerned. His nerves were also absolutely fried by that time, what with his hours upon hours of overthinking. He was nearly as exhausted as he had been the night before, though a good deal healthier.
James and Peter went off on some adventure after dinner that Remus couldn’t muster the energy for, as per usual. Remus trailed up to the dorm feeling gloomy, but the universe offered him a small bit of relief when he found Sirius reading in his bed. Temporary relief, before he was overtaken with nervousness, but still.
Sirius looked up when the door opened, smiling politely. He looked tired too. “Hi.”
Remus smiled back, though at the moment he assumed it looked more like a grimace. “Hi. Where’ve you been? We were starting to worry.” The ‘we’ was always safe.
“Just around. I’ve been feeling sickly after last night, didn’t much want to eat or anything.”
Remus nodded. They’d all drank too much. Sirius kept looking at his book, but he hadn’t flipped any pages. Remus just stood there, feeling anxious and idiotic, trying to gather his frazzled nerves.
“I appreciated you helping me last night. You were sweet.” He finally said.
Sirius finally looked at him again. “You don’t need to keep thanking me. I wanted to help.”
“Right. Well, still; it was nice of you. All of it… was nice.”
Sirius looked distinctly uncomfortable, and Remus hated his own tactlessness. “I don’t think we should talk about it. We were drunk, right?” Sirius mumbled, sounding as rough as Remus felt.
“Yeah, I guess. Isn’t it better to talk about things though?” Remus didn’t know where his boldness was coming from; he just knew this was going to be the only chance for this conversation. He wanted to know.
Sirius rolled his eyes. He was still holding the book, and chewing on the nails of his free hand, looking very much the sullen rich boy he tried not to be. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it, and for a moment Remus worried he was pushing too much. But to Hell with it, Remus did want to talk about it, and didn’t his opinion count for just as much? He tried to believe that it did.
“Come on, Remus, don’t be such a-“ Sirius stopped himself, but Remus knew what he meant. Of course he did. He’d heard it a thousand times, both from people who didn’t know about him and from purposefully crueler people who did. It was his father’s favorite thing to say, always as if he was proving some point. ‘I thought you weren’t a girl, why are you acting so much like one?’ or ‘why’d we go through all this trouble if you were going to be such a fucking girl?’. His father liked proving points. His father didn’t like him.
“Whatever.” Remus replied, trying to push away the gross, panicky feeling trying to move into his chest. “You’re right, it doesn’t matter. You were out of your mind on witch’s brew; I was one of your many drunken snogs. That’s fine.” He felt his eyes watering, the bastards, but he would not cry.
“Remus.” Sirius sounded exasperated. Remus wished he’d never told him his name. “That’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just don’t know what to say, you know? I’m straight.”
That was fine. That was reasonable. But Sirius hadn’t seemed straight the night before. Sure, they’d been drunk, but the way he’d kissed Remus, the things he’d said, had felt more real than that.
“So then why’d you kiss me?” Remus tried not to sound too harsh, even as his brain was agonizing over what could have seemed ‘straight’ to Sirius about their night. Surely by now Sirius couldn’t think…
“Merlin, I don’t know. Why do I do anything? I was pissed. “
“And?”
“And what?”
“And why else? Surely you didn’t just think, well I’m drunk enough, might as well do something nonsensical. You’re telling me you didn’t actually want to kiss me at all?”
Sirius hissed in frustration, throwing his forgotten book onto his bed and sitting up more. “I don’t know! You’re cool, Remus. You were there. We were close.” Sirius stopped to chew particularly viciously on one of his nails. “We were sitting there, and you were looking so fucking pretty… I guess I just thought I should try.”
Remus’ emotions were a tornado. On the one hand, Sirius thought he was pretty. He couldn’t help if that made a tiny spark of hope jump in his stomach, and set his heart beating at an even more dangerous pace than it had been. On the other hand, Sirius thought he was pretty. Pretty. On that hand, Sirius had been staring at him without his shirt on. On that hand, Sirius had always kissed girls drunk. On that hand…
“Okay, so you tried. Did you like it?”
“Remus-“ Sirius looked miserable.
“You liked it. Last night, you liked it. You didn’t go to bed this fucking moody. What’s changed, besides your alcohol levels?”
Sirius closed his eyes. “I’m straight. Why can’t you get that?”
And Remus finally got it. He knew for sure. He turned on his heel, from where he’d still been stuck standing, and hurried right out of the room, slamming the door behind him. He got it. Sirius had been avoiding him out of politeness. Out of dread for this very conversation. Because Sirius knew, of course he knew, that Remus would hate what he had to say. Sirius had obviously enjoyed their kiss, but Sirius still knew he only liked girls.
Remus’ watery eyes got worse, and he could barely see where he was going. He sat in the corridor, struggling not to cry and not caring about the fact that other students would go by him on their way to their rooms. He wasn’t sure he could care about a dragon attack in that moment. His best friend, the person he loved more than anyone else in the world, thought of him as a girl. How many years had he been pretending not to?
Remus wasn’t really sure how long he sat in the corridor, or how many people walked past and saw how pathetic he was being. No one seemed to mind. No one said a word to him until James and Peter finally came back from adventuring, to go to bed, and picked him up off the floor.
Maybe they were used to him being odd, or maybe they were just concerned by how upset he looked, but they were very gentle with him.
“What’s going on? Do you need anything?” James asked quietly as he and Peter helped Remus find his feet. He needed to unbind again soon; he wasn’t feeling very well.
Remus shook his head. “I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you are.” Peter insisted, as if Remus really didn’t know that something was clearly wrong with him.
Remus chose not to respond.
James tried again. “Should we head to bed then? You look like some sleep would do you good.”
“I’d rather not.” Remus replied. He’d really rather not.
“Why not? You’re definitely tired, mate.” James started walking them all in the direction of their dorm.
Remus dug his heels into the ground. “I don’t want to. Please just let me be. I can sleep in the Common Room if I need to.”
“Remus, that wouldn’t make any sense. You have a perfectly good bed. Really, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” James was staring at him by then, looking quite worried. He could do concerned-mode almost as well as Sirius. Damn Sirius.
“I don’t really want to see Sirius right now.”
“What did he do?” It made Remus feel very loved, to see how quickly even James would assume Sirius was in the wrong.
“Nothing, really. We just had a fight.”
“What about? What did he say?”
“I’m not sure. It was all a little confusing.” that was true, Remus still wasn’t sure where all of the anger and frustration had come from. “I just… I think he thinks I’m a girl.”
James’ eyes went wide. “What?”
Remus shrugged.
“This hasn’t been a problem before though has it? I mean we’ve all always known that you’re not. Tell me what he said.”
“Nothing specific. No, it’s never been a problem. You’ve all been amazing, better than I deserve. But I really think that’s how he sees me. You’ll have to ask him about it, if you want. I don’t know.” Remus knew he was rambling, but what else could he do? He wasn’t about to tell James anything else.
“I will.” James decided, and Peter nodded enthusiastically. “You can sleep in the Common Room tonight if you really need, but we’re having you back by tomorrow. Promise?”
Remus gave him a small smile. “Promise.”
The next morning, Remus reluctantly made his way up to the dorm to find some clean clothes. The other three were just gathering their books as he came in, and James and Peter scurried out the door before he could even close it. James squeezed his shoulder on the way out.
Sirius rolled his eyes. He didn’t look genuinely annoyed, but it could be hard to tell. His face was puffy as if he hadn’t slept well and his eyes were a little bloodshot.
“You’re a bloody idiot.” Sirius said, oddly gently, as he stopped filling his school bag.
“Probably. Why this time?” Remus asked, folding his arms across his chest. He hadn’t rewrapped the bandages yet for the day. Usually it didn’t matter in their room.
“You’re obviously not a girl.”
James had told him to say that, most likely. Still, it made Remus feel a little better. “I know I’m not.”
“You’d better. After all these years, you really think I could think that?”
Remus shrugged. “It seemed like that’s what you were saying.”
“Well it wasn’t.”
Remus moved his arms. “Ok. Thanks. I just… usually you kiss girls. You’re straight. I didn’t have my bindings on, and you thought I was pretty… which is nice of you, by the way. I just assumed I was another girl to you.”
“James said that was probably what worried you. I’m really sorry Remus, I promise that’s not what happened.”
“You told James?”
“Yeah, hope that’s alright. He was furious with me for making you sad, but we had a good talk. He was-“ Sirius stopped to laugh a little. “He was really helpful. Essentially told me to stop being so stupid.”
“I’m sorry he was mad at you.”
“Don’t be, I deserved it. I was in fact being stupid; I should have realized how you’d take what I was saying. Just give me the chance to clear it up a bit, yeah?”
Remus nodded, and Sirius continued.
“Firstly, you’re not just an anything to me, and you’re certainly not a girl. If you were, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed snogging you nearly as much. I can’t be open about it, I really can’t, but James pointed out that telling you three isn’t really the same as telling anyone else. You’ve told us your secrets, and I bloody well should tell you mine.”
Shocked, Remus tried to interrupt. “You don’t have to-“
But Sirius shook his head. “No, I should. Especially now. I really enjoyed kissing you, Remus, and I’m sure I would have sober too because I’ve been thinking about it sober for bloody years, and it’s always sounded appealing. You are pretty, even if you don’t think so or hate that word, you just are.” Remus scoffed, but Sirius just stared him down. “Fucking gorgeous. But plenty of other boys are pretty, not as much as you but still. Really an entirely inconvenient amount of them. You’re not a girl. Girls really aren’t my thing, so I’m sorry for lying to you last night. I snog them when I’m pissed because it’s the only time I can make myself do it, and I don’t want people to know. I snogged you when I was pissed because it was the only time I could stop caring about what people would think.”
Sirius was biting his nails again, and looked more nervous than Remus had ever seen him. Remus hugged him.
“I understand. Thank you for telling me, really. I’m sorry I was angry before. It’ll all be okay.” Remus murmured before letting go.
“I have to be quiet about it. My family… they won’t like it. They won’t be nice. I don’t even know what they’d do-“
“They won’t find out. We won’t let them do anything to you, alright?”
Sirius smiled. They were still so close that it was practically all Remus could see. He moved even closer.
“You’re sober, right?” He asked.
Sirius nodded and laughed quietly. Remus felt the warm breath.
Sirius rested his forehead against Remus’. “You’re not a girl.” He whispered. Remus knew it was important to both of them.
“And you’re perfect.” He replied, tilting his head and kissing Sirius, trying desperately to show him that it was all ok.
It was all perfect.