Chapter 9
There is something about his doorbell that Remus hates with every existing cell of his body. Really, it is irrational, because the doorbell never did him anything and it barely rings anyway, but Remus just cannot stand its sound. It sends unpleasing shivers in his body and gives him the urge to break it. Except he cannot.
That is why Remus is always so quick at opening the door the few times it rings, to avoid earring it more than once.
Around noon Sunday, the doorbell rings and less than twenty seconds later, Remus is by the door, ready to open it with a grunt. He doesn’t check by the little hole in the door who it is, opening it right away, and he doesn’t have the time to see to who the wave of orange hair belongs to before it collides with him, taking him in an embrace. But Remus doesn’t need to see who this hair belongs to to know who it is, because there is only one red head in the world who hugs him.
“Hello Lils.” He smiles against her hair.
She steps back, hands on his shoulders, “Did you grow up?”
“No. You’re wearing flat shoes.”
Lily looks down at her feet then back at him, a wide smile on her face, “I dropped Mary at our friend’s apartment and I came straight away.”
“Oh, Lils, you didn’t have to let your other friends down for me.”
“I’ll catch up later, they’ll understand.”
Remus shakes his head but there is a smile on his lips. He doesn’t know much about Lily’s friends from school, not that he doesn’t care, it is just something they don’t talk about. He knows how much Lily loves them and that they love her just as much and it is enough for him. Lily doesn’t know about his other friends, not that he have much. Fucking hell, she doesn’t even know what he does for a living!
Lily and Remus aren’t really the kind of friends who talk about the deepness of their life. They, however, talk about the deepness of their soul. Those feelings that come from an unknown place, those pains that are not caused by any harm. Maybe that is why they don’t seem to know much about each other’s life, because they know everything about each other as a whole, and that’s enough.
“Come on!” Lily says, grabbing his arm. “You offer me lunch and we spend the afternoon bitch talking!”
Remus laughs and shakes his head but he follows her, because how could he not?
***
James could not be more happy right now. Mary and Lily are back! Well, technically, only Mary is present right now but you get the point. They are back and soon it’ll be Halloween and everything is alright with Regulus, they’re trying. James could not be more happy right now.
“You’re joking, right?” Mary is telling him, legs crossed under her butt while she is on the sofa, it’s only the two of them for the moment.
“I’m not!” James protests.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Mary!”
“Regulus, James. You’re telling me you’ve got a thing going with Regulus. Sirius’ brother! Does he even know?”
“He doesn’t.” James cringes. “But why is it so surprising?”
“Well I’m surprised he wants you back.”
James pauses for a moment, “You knew?”
“What? That you wanted him? Of course I did.” She says with a movement of the hand.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” James yelps, feeling betrayed.
“Because you didn’t know and I thought he would never want you back and it was better that way. Avoided pain.”
James frowns. He gets what she means, but he would have like her to tell him. Mary is one of his best friends, it hurts that she never talked about it, it hurts more that she thought Regulus would never want him back. Why? What is it about him that is not good enough for Mary to think he won’t want him back? What–
“I thought Regulus was aromantic, James.” Mary interrupts his thoughts with a hand on his knee. “That’s why I thought it’ll never work. And also because he is Sirius’ fucking baby brother! What are you thinking?”
James exhales shakily. Well, that’s a good enough reason.
“Why did you think he is aromantic?”
“James.” Mary cocks an eyebrow.
James throws his head back and closes his eyes, “What do you think he’ll think?” He breathes out. “Sirius.”
“You know him better than I do.”
James presses his lips and looks at a point behind Mary before crossing her eyes again, “Right. What if– if I had a thing going on with your brother? What would you think?”
“James! He’s thirteen!”
“Yeah, right, forgot. Wrong comparison.”
“Very wrong comparison.” Mary laughs, shaking her head. They stay silent for a while then, she exhales loudly and leans back against the sofa, “Knowing Sirius, he’ll react in the extremes.”
“Which mean he’ll either be so happy he’ll want us to marry on the spot or he’ll try to murder us for even having the idea.”
“Yeah, kind of.” Mary scoffs. “But either option, he’ll get used to it. It’s Sirius. He loves the two of you so much that he’ll probably rather die than see one of you slightly unhappy. If you make each other happy James, it’ll be alright.”
James smiles and throws his head back again, staring at the ceiling like the happy fool in love that he is, “Yeah. It’ll be alright.”
***
Every time Mary and Lily are back from Ireland, they throw a big dinner-party at James’ place. Sirius’ flat is the biggest but it is always a mess so it falls on James to organise it, not that he ever complains. One thing to know about James: he quite like to be the one in command. Marlene learned that thanks to a fight between him and Lily back when they were fourteen and both wanted to be the head of project. It is least a main trait of personality for James than it is for Lily, but still, he likes to control and to organise.
Marlene thinks James would have been the one organising the dinner-party no matter in which place it happened: none of them are organised enough to throw a party without it being a total mess where there is inevitably something missing or an accident.
“Marls, can you please help me?” James is complaining from the kitchen.
“I’m rather occupied.” Marlene frowns, braiding another part of Mary’s hair.
“That’s not necessary.” James says, his head appearing from the kitchen to look at them.
“But it is.” Mary complains.
“You can do two braids in your hair by yourself, Mary.” James cocks an eyebrow. “I saw you do your whole head.”
Mary shrugs, “I like Marlene touching my hair.”
“You like me touching you.” Marlene winks.
“Oh, Marlene, what do I have to do for you to love me back the way that I love you?” Mary gasps, leaning dramatically on the back of her chair.
James throws them a dishcloth he had in the hand and they burst into laughter, “I hate you both.” He says.
“You don’t.” Mary retorts.
He eyes them for a moment then rolls his eyes, “I don’t. But I’ll really love you if you come help me in the kitchen.”
Mary and Marlene exchange a look before following him in the kitchen and helping him. First with the cooking, then with the dishes. Marlene likes these moments. It’s always frozen in time, like if nothing bad could ever happen. No harm, no heartbreak, no constant suffering. She wishes Sirius was already there. She loves to see him frozen in time with them, away from harm with them.
“We can still invite anyone to the after party, right?” Marlene asks, putting away a plate.
“Of course.” James nods, not stopping what he is doing. “Who are you thinking of?”
“Nancy.”
At that, he stops, and Mary with him, “Nancy?”
“Yeah. Nancy.”
“As in–”
“As in Nancy who thought we were sex-friends when I thought we were girlfriends. That Nancy, yeah.”
James turns to her, hands on the counter, “You’re back to it?”
“Yeah.” Marlene shrugs. “On my own terms.”
“Which mean?”
“We shag. We sometimes talk. We’re not a thing.”
Mary and James exchange a look and it makes a small anger boil inside of Marlene. And what if she wants to shag with the girl who broke her heart? It’s better than not shagging at all and being heartbroken anyway. But of course they don’t understand, they’re James and Mary. Their life is bloody perfect all the time.
“I invited Dorcas.” James says cautiously.
“You did not.” Marlene answers without missing a bit. He did not.
“What happened between the two of you?” James continues, and she hates the pity she hears in his voice.
There is the sound of the door opening and then a greeting being singed and they are greeted with the vision of Sirius, a grin on his face and hands in his pockets.
“Hello there ladies.”
***
Sirius is never on time. It is common knowledge. And he might not be the last one to arrive this time, but he was still supposed to be there an hour ago.
He hugs Mary for a good minute and a half before letting go of her and hugging the two others the same way because they would be jealous and crushed otherwise. After maybe ten minutes of conversation, Marlene drags him on the balcony and they find themselves passing a joint back and forth.
“What’s going on?” He asks after a few minutes. When Marlene doesn’t respond, he rolls his eyes and takes the joint from her hand, “Come on Marls, you didn’t drag be out because you had a sudden want of smoking weed.”
“What if I did?” She says, turning to him.
Sirius shrugs and pulls a drag, “Well, you didn’t.”
Marlene exhales and extends her hand again. He gives her the joint. “I’m seeing Nancy again.”
“Oh, yeah, right. I saw her the other night at the Blue Chair Bar. You’re back together then?”
“We shag.” Marlene shrugs, eying the city.
Sirius laughs and decides to roll another joint. He doesn’t look up for the whole time he proceeds. He can roll a joint without looking, he mastered it over the years, but there is something in the process that he likes and sometimes he finds himself looking at it and getting lost in it. Getting lost in the mechanic movements. He often feels like a robot. More than he would like to admit. More than he would like to.
“That’s all?” Marlene frowns at him. “You just shag? You’re not back together?”
“We were never together.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“I’m over it, Sirius.”
“I know.” He says softly, because he does. She is over Nancy, has been for a while. “That’s not the whole story, is it?”
“Stop reading me!”
“Stop being so obvious.”
Marlene sighs, takes the last drag then throws the joint in the ashtray, “I invited her tonight. James invited Dorcas.”
Sirius looks at her for a moment before lighting his new joint, “And you’re not talking anymore.”
It is not a question. He knows. She didn’t tell him but he knows. It has been a while now since she told him they shagged but he knows they don’t talk anymore and he knows it weighs on her. He simply doesn’t know what to do about that. He doesn’t know what to do about a lot of things.
Marlene shakes her head and wipes off a tear before giving him a rather convincing smile. He puts a hand on her shoulder and squeezes, that’s the best he can do right now and Marlene knows, she puts her hand on his and squeezes back.
***
“You’re sure you don’t want to come?” Lily says, laying her head on his lap.
“No, I’m good.”
“Why don’t you want to meet my friends?” She asks, not even a little upset.
“It’s not that I don’t want to meet them.” Remus says, rolling his eyes. “I just don’t want to go to a party tonight. And I have things to do.”
“Right. Work.” She rolls her eyes in turn. “You’ll have to meet them, eventually.”
“Not necessarily. I could avoid your posh friends forever.”
“So you do not want to meet them!” She laughs.
“It’s not like that.”
It really is not like that. It is not that Remus doesn’t want to meet Lily’s other friends, but he’s him and they are them. He’s a drug dealer who grew up in the suburbs and they are all posh who went to a posh school. But it’s not like he can tell her that, because Lily doesn’t know about her job and she also went to this posh school.
When they were ten, they had the possibility to pass an exam so they could have a scholarship and go to this school Lily went to. Lily passed the exam, she had the highest grade and the scholarship. Remus didn’t want to, he stayed exactly where he was.
She looks at him for a moment then sits up and continues staring at him.
“What?”
“You’ll have to meet them.” Lily says, a slight blush on her cheeks. Remus rolls her eyes, she puts her hand on his forearm. “Sooner than you think.”
“Lily?”
“I’m getting married.” She lets out, an helpless smile crossing her face.
Remus opens his mouth, wide, “No.”
“Yes!”
He stands up abruptly, hands in his hair, “No!”
“Remus.” Lily says, her smile fading slightly. And, no, absolutely not.
“Lily, you’re getting married! Oh my– you’re getting married. Shut up! I don’t believe you. You’re getting married?”
“I am.” She says cautiously.
“Oh my–” He forces her up and takes her in his arms. “I’m so happy for you Lils. I’m so, so happy for you. Never doubt that.”
Lily makes a wet laugh and hugs him tighter. They stay like that for a long moment then break apart and stare at each other a while longer.
“You’re about to ask me something.” Remus says.
“Would you be my best man?” Lily blurts out as soon as he is done talking. “I don’t really know how it works or if I can do that, I never went to a wedding, but I want you to be right next to me when I marry the love of my life.”
Remus is not responsible for the tears that come out of his eyes when he hears these words.
“I’ll be whatever you want me to be, Lils. I’m so happy for you!”
They hug again.
***
These people are his people and James could cry for how happy he feels. It’s just really overwhelming all this joy and it has been a while. They are around his table– Lily, Mary, Sirius, Peter, Marlene and him– and they are eating a mix of all of their favourite dishes. It is as it always is. There is music in the background and from time to time, he can hear Sirius singing or humming along before going back to an animated conversation about who-knows-what with Mary. He looks okay, but he does most of the time. What James is worried about is what he cannot see. And God knows how much there is under the surface.
“Okay, I have something to announce.” Lily says, standing up.
“Shut up.” Mary says, standing up in turn. “I announce it.”
“Why would you be the one saying it?”
“We’re getting married.” Mary announces with a big smile, fishing into her pocket to take out the ring.
“Holy shit!” James says jumping to his feet to go to her but Sirius is quicker since he was right next to her in the first place. He goes to Lily instead and lift her up, “I’m so happy for you Lils.”
Lily is giggling, face as red as her hair. After that, there is a long moment of congratulations, hugging and even crying from basically everyone.
“Who proposed?” Marlene asks, staring at the ring on Mary’s finger.
“Marls.” Peter says, raising an eyebrow.
“Right, shit, that’s stupid.” She laughs. “It’s a pretty ring, Lils.”
“I’ve always had amazing taste.” Lily says, putting her arm around Mary’s shoulder.
After that, they talk a while more about it, the organisation (not decided yet), the date (not decided yet), the place (not decided yet) and without any of them noticing, the time flies and people start to arrive for the party. The first ones are, of course, Frank and Alice and so they are the first one to learn about the news of Mary and Lily getting married. Then it goes quite fast, people arrive, some they barely ever see, some they see all the time. There is Fabian and Gideon, there is Regulus who brought Barty, Evan and Pandora who brought her boyfriend with such a weird name that James decided that he won’t call him by any name. There is some other people they know and people that those people know. Nancy arrives and soon she is snogging Marlene in a corner. Sirius disappears at some point but then James finds him again.
“Where were you?”
“Bathroom.” Sirius simply says, pointing at the door two meters from him.
“Your pupils are huge.” James says, grabbing his face by the chin.
“Fuck off.” Sirius says, pushing rather violently his arm away. “It’s just dark here.”
“Yeah.” James breathes out.
They stare at each other for a few long seconds, a tension between them that was never there before. A tension that makes James uncomfortable.
Sirius ends up walking away in direction of the kitchen, James stares at him but soon he is interrupted by Frank coming to him and stealing his attention, but not before he sees Sirius swallowing a glass of a brown alcohol all at once.
***
Dorcas feels out of place. It is not something common for her. She never really had friends or such, but she never felt out of place at a party. However, this is different. It’s not that the people are not welcoming, already half of the people present came to her, its just something in the aura that doesn’t feel right.
But that might also just be Marlene with that short brown haired girl that comes to the bar regularly to see Marlene and who always ends up leaving with her. Is she Marlene’s girlfriend? Really, who the fuck is this chick?
“Who’s the girl with Marlene?” She asks Regulus, swallowing a bit more of the burning brown liquid from her glass.
“You’re going to get pissed real quick if you continue that way.” Regulus says, leaning against the wall.
“Regulus.” Dorcas warns.
“It’s Nancy.”
“And who the fuck is Nancy?” She asks, irritated.
Regulus turns to her and cocks an eyebrow, “Are you jealous?”
“Fuck no!” She answers a bit too quickly. “I– just answer to me, okay?”
Regulus snorts and turns back to the room, “She was Marlene’s girlfriend before you two met I believe.”
“Was?” Dorcas empathise. “They don’t really look like something a ‘was’, Regulus.” She retorts, pointing at Marlene and Nancy currently snogging out their souls.
“Well, they’re back to it apparently.” He shrugs. “I don’t know much about this story. Just that Marlene didn’t really take the breakup well.”
Dorcas doesn’t answer and goes back to staring. She finishes her glasses and puts it down on the counter next to her. It is not often that Dorcas wants to get pissed, she’s not much into those things, but now is one of those moments and so she’s rather offended at her glass for being empty.
“You should stop staring.” Regulus says.
Dorcas turns to him. The hypocrite! “Oh, and like you’re not staring.”
“Frank is in a serious relationship with Alice who is right over there.”
“You’re still jealous.”
“I’m not.”
“I bet they hooked up in high school.”
“Fuck off, they did not! Frank and Alice have been together since forever.”
“And so?”
“I’m pretty sure James had a crush on him at some point.” He confesses, looking embarrassed.
Dorcas blurts into laughter and come to place himself in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder, “Come on,” she tilts her head, “let’s drink.”
***
Marlene doesn’t notice that Dorcas as arrived until Nancy points it out. She has to admit that she was rather occupied with Nancy’s mouth, otherwise she would have seen Dorcas right away. Maybe she would have feel it in the hair if she wasn’t almost drunk.
Marlene knew Dorcas was coming, of course she knew, James told her, but it’s still…weird.
“Stop staring at her.” Nancy says, grabbing her face and turning it so their eyes meet.
“I wasn’t staring at her.” Marlene retorts. “I was staring at the wall.”
Nancy lets go of her and rolls her eyes, “You’re a little pathetic.”
“Fuck off.” Marlene crosses her arms under her boobs.
“You’re acting like a child.”
Marlene ignores her and leans against the wall, staring at the room and the people dancing. She likes these parties. She likes parties in general actually. It’s like a break in your life, a break of everything. Except when Dorcas is here apparently.
“She keeps stealing glances our way.” Nancy says and Marlene finds her smirking.
“She’s not.” Marlene retorts as Nancy waves playfully her fingers to Dorcas. “Don’t do that!”
“Want to make her jealous?” Nancy genuinely asks. There is no mischief in her question. Marlene is quite sure Nancy thinks it’ll help her. “I’m pretty sure she won’t like each other snogging like our lives depend on it.”
“No one likes to see people exchange saliva, Nance. It’s not just– fuck, fuck! She’s coming–shit! Act normal!”
“Shut the fuck up you look like a twat.”
Marlene shoots her a look just as Dorcas stops in front of them. Her eyes are a little glassy and Marlene guesses she must be drunk.
“Hi.” She says, stumbling to the right.
Nancy catches her before Marlene has the time to move and Marlene looks at them in awe.
“Hello.” Nancy smiles.
“Oh.” Dorcas makes looking at her. “You’re really pretty.”
“Thank you.” Nancy replies. Oh, she’s gloating. She didn’t take her hand off Dorcas’ arm for the whole interaction and Marlene doesn’t like it, not one fricking bit. Except she doesn’t know what to do with herself right now. “You’re really pretty too.” Nancy adds after an eternity.
It is Marlene final straw because what the fuck? Are they flirting in front of her? She steps between Nancy and Dorcas and throws a mean look at Nancy before turning to face Dorcas, “You’re pissed.”
“A little.”
“Go drink some water. Did you eat? How many drinks did you have?”
“Calm down Poirot.” Dorcas frowns, stepping back.
Marlene would really like her to leave but as soon as she sees Dorcas taking a step back, she grabs her wrist, preventing her to do exactly that. Fuck it!
Dorcas looks down at Marlene’s hand and Marlene just stares at her. She completely forgot about Nancy right behind her, she completely forgot about everything. Oh, what a fool she was to think she could forget how she feels about Dorcas. It’s never leaving, is it?
She abruptly lets go of Dorcas’ wrist and starts walking to the kitchen for a drink, mumbling it to the girls.
“Marls!” Dorcas calls behind her. Marlene ignores her. “Marlene!” She repeats as Marlene steps into the kitchen.
“What?” Marlene volt-face. “What do you want?”
“I–I–” Dorcas stutters. “Don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not.” Marlene answers too quickly. Fuck. “Dorcas, you have to stay away from me.”
Dorcas frowns and step back again and Marlene doesn’t like that, fuck can’t she just stay close? Can’t she like her back? Fancy her back? Marlene would take anything. She’s desperate. She misses Dorcas and she knows that it is best for her to stay away, to forget about it, because every time their eyes meet Marlene wants to touch her, to kiss her, to make her smile and laugh.
Dorcas steps back and Marlene steps forward, because she cannot stand her being away.
“You just told me to stay away from you.” Dorcas mumbles.
“Because I can’t stay away from you.” Marlene murmurs.
Their eyes meet and Dorcas steps forward. It would be so easy to lean in and to kiss her. So easy to trap her in her arms and to never let her go.
But it is not what Dorcas wants. Dorcas wants friendship and Marlene is not able to give her that. So she’s the one finally stepping back. They don’t break eye contact for a moment but then Marlene turns heels an walks away.
Dorcas doesn’t follow her.
***
“Oh, you’re pissed.” James says with a small smile.
“A bit.” Regulus rolls his eyes, but he cannot fight a small smile.
“Only a bit?” James mocks.
“You’re pissed too.”
“Not as much as you.”
They turn their head at the same time as they hear Sirius scream the lyrics of the song currently playing, head thrown back and eyes closed.
“Why does he sound so good even when he shit-sings?” James cries out.
“Because he’s a piece of shit.” Regulus answers with a roll of the eyes. “It’s on theme.”
James laughs and Regulus looks up so their eyes cross. James cocks an eyebrow at him, his lips in a lopsided smile. He’s so pretty, so, so pretty. Regulus reaches out for his glasses so they sit twisted on his nose but he doesn’t like it so he puts them back straight. The whole time, James just watches without a word. He looks pleased. He looks happy.
“You’re happy.” Regulus says then. Because James is and why not saying it? Regulus feels rather happy right now too.
“I am, yeah.”
“Why?” And Regulus realises that he really wants to know. He wants to know all the little things that make James happy. They have been trying and it is beautiful. They are trying all the time and Regulus could never have dream of that.
“So many things.” James laughs.
“Tell me.”
James’ smile widens and he does. The girls being there, them getting married. All of his friends being there today. Fabian, Gideon, Alice, Frank –Regulus frowns at the mention of his name– being present too because it’s been a while. And James goes on and on because he is James and he finds reasons to be happy. The meal he had tonight made him happy. The music being loud makes him happy. Sirius singing earlier and Regulus being here. Oh, that makes him really happy because he repeats it almost ten times. It nearly makes Regulus forget about Frank. Nearly.
“Did you use to have a crush on Frank?” He asks once James is done talking.
James blinks, not prepared for this question, then seems to think, “Yeah, I think that’s possible. He was probably my first queer awakening.”
“Right.” Regulus presses his lips, looking away.
“Are you jealous?”
“No.” Regulus answers a little too fast.
“Aw!” James melts. “You’re adorable I love you.”
And he says it so effortlessly it cuts Regulus’ breath off. And he goes on with life like he didn’t just shake Regulus’ world. It’s not the first time he tells him he loves him, but those were always big confessions, this one was so casual, so innocent. Regulus just wants to kiss James right now and if it weren’t for the people around and his brother somewhere near, Regulus would have done it.
“What is it, love?” James asks, looking back at him after commenting on the party, ignoring Regulus’ inner monologue.
“Shut the fuck up because I really want to kiss you and you calling me love is not helping.” Regulus makes and, oh, he is bold tonight. Why would he say that?
James grins and leans forward so their face are just a few centimetres away, “Nothing is holding you back, love.”
“Oh fucking hell.” Regulus breathes out, closing his eyes. “Yeah, no, I’m just going to get some water. Don’t follow me. Enjoy your party.”
Regulus smiles awkwardly at him and James answers with the biggest grin of the world, visibly pleased with himself.
***
Mary has ten seconds for herself on the sofa before Lily comes laying on her, cheeks red and a half-smile on the lips.
“You’re having a great night, dear?” She asks, looking down at her fiancée– can you believe that? Fiancée!!
“The best night.” Lily smiles, eyes half-closed.
“You’re tired, aren’t you?”
Lily hums lightly and closes fully her eyes for a few seconds. Mary contemplates her, because she can do that. She traces her traits with her eyes because she has the right to and because she loves to. She has Lily memorised, every line of her printed under her eyelid, but it’ll never be enough, she’ll never get enough of her. She knows Lily’s face by heart but it seems like there is always something new to discover. A new freckle due to the sun, a new kind of blush caused by different things, the presence or not of eye bags, the way her lips are chapped when they are.
Lily opens her eyes and poses them on Mary’s face, “I love you.” She murmurs.
“I love you.” Mary replies.
“I can’t believe you’re actually going to be my wife.”
“I can’t believe you actually proposed.”
“We’re living a fever dream.” Lily closes her eyes again. “I never want to wake up.”
Mary doesn’t answer, she doesn’t have to, she leans down and poses a light kiss on her fiancée’s lips, wondering if life could be any more perfect.
***
Maybe Remus should have gone to this party. He’ll have to meet Lily’s friends and maybe the wedding day is not really the moment, maybe he should meet them beforehand.
Remus doesn’t give a shit about what people think but… well he kind of gives a shit about what Lily’s friends might think.
He met Mary once, like a year ago, before they left for Ireland, and it all went well but…
Well there’s always a but, isn’t there? They never met again and as much as Remus thought she liked him, he could have been in the wrong entirely. Maybe she hated him. Maybe she didn’t understand how Lily could be friend with a bloke like him.
Remus never talks about his doubts to Lily but he is sure she knows. She always does.
Right now Remus is laying on his sofa, in a position that his body won’t like tomorrow, and he asks himself if he should have gone to this party and met Lily’s friends. Because maybe it was the occasion after all, meet them in an unofficial context. Remus is okay with parties, he knows how to handle them. Yeah, maybe he should have gone to this party.
It is almost midnight and Remus is not tired, he knows he won’t be for a while, so he stands up and goes to his small kitchen to prepare himself some tea. It takes him five good minutes to decide which tea he is going to drink and he ends up drinking the same one as always. Remus likes habits, he’s not one to explore, he’s not adventurous. That’s why he sticks with dealing, it’s something he knows, as bad as it is.
His tea done, Remus goes back to the sofa and checks his phones. He has two, of course, one for the friends and one for the drug addicts. As time passes, he finds himself checking his professional phone more than his personal one, he gets more texts.
He locks both the phones after seeing that he did not have any texts and goes back to his tea. When he is half done, one of his phone rings. The drug dealer one. Remus rolls his eyes and looks at who it is.
Padfoot.
It is Padfoot calling him. He stares at the screen, bewildered. The call ends. Remus breaths. Padfoot names appears again on the screen. Remus lets it rings. He lets it rings. He lets it–
***
Three times. Sirius called him three bloody times. The bloke is probably sleeping, why does he insists? And if he’s not sleeping, he doesn’t have to answer anyway. Oh, that hurts.
Sirius is seated on the floor of one of James’ guest room, he knows he’ll sleep here tonight, James always lets him, he even stops him from leaving most of the time. Twenty minutes ago, he was making out with a girl someone invited. He could have been in bed with her right now but he freaked out and now he is on the floor, trying helplessly to get in touch with his drug dealer, and he doesn’t even want to buy him drugs.
He’s almost sure Fabian and Gideon know about coke. James must know too, he reacted so weirdly earlier. Sirius wants the ground to swallow him.
Why isn’t Moony answering?
He puts his phone on the floor next to him and throws his head back. He breathes. In and out. Like James taught him. In and out. His brain flashes images but he ignores them, he always ignores them. Pushes them away. Away. Away.
His phone rings, Sirius practically jumps on it.
“Hi?”
“You okay?”
Sirius makes a shaky laugh, “Yeah, good. Good.” He says.
They fall silent for a moment, listening to each other’s breathing. Well, Sirius is listening to Moony’s breathing, he doesn’t know for him.
“I could fall asleep at the sound of you breathing.” He says, eyes closing.
There’s a silence then, “Oh.”
“Shit.” Sirius blurts, opening his eyes. “That was so weird, oh fuck, sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
At the other side of the line, Moony chuckles. Like actual chuckles, and Sirius feels something flutter in him. It feels like the sound is made out of heaven, and Sirius hasn’t believe in heaven or anything linked to it in a while. The chuckles change into an actual laugh and Sirius listens, astonished.
“Oh my!” Moony makes . “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
He’s still laughing and Sirius just listens. He’d listen to it forever.
Moony clears his throat, making the beautiful sound that is his laugh stop, “Sorry, really. Did you call me to listen to me breath so you can fall asleep?”
And he’s not mocking him. Sirius is pretty sure he’ll accept, he’s pretty sure Moony will just breath at the other end of the line until Sirius falls asleep. He doesn’t know why, but he feels like he’ll do it.
“No, no that’s not why I called you.”
Another silence.
“Why did you call me then?” Moony asks, oh, so softly.
“I’m not sure.”
“You’re not sure.”
“I wanted to talk to you.” Sirius murmurs. “Why didn’t you answer?”
“I called back.”
“Why did you call back?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
Sirius closes his eyes. He can hear music from outside of the room and from time to time, someone singing the lyrics. He can feel the wood under him, not too cold, not too warm. He can also feel the wall behind him, kind of rough because James never renovated the room, it’s the second guest room.
“You’re still here?” He asks Moony, because he cannot hear him anymore.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m here.”
“What were you doing? Before I called.”
“Drinking tea.”
Sirius hums and throws his head back, “I made out with a girl.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t know why I told you that.”
“Because you wanted to?”
“Not that much. I quite wanted the opposite.”
“Not to tell me?” Moony asks, sounding intrigued.
Sirius nods. Because it’s you I want to kiss. Just have me Moony. “Sometimes I wish I was someone else. Somewhere else.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
“You do?” Sirius asks and Moony hums. “I wish I was someone people could love. Or simply appreciate really deeply. Not just because of what I look like or because of where I am from. I wish I was lovable.”
“You’re lovable.” Moony answers, almost cutting him mid sentence. Sirius scoffs and is about to retorts something when Moony talks again, “You’ve got plenty of friends. You told me about them.”
“All my friends knew me before.” Sirius murmurs, eyes closing again. “They learned to appreciate, maybe love, the person I used to be. I’m not that person anymore.”
“Everybody changes, we learn to love those changes too.”
“I’m pretty sure they stuck with me because of habits. I’m a pretty loathsome person.”
“I don’t loathe you.”
Sirius falls silent as the same time as a tear falls from his eye.
“Are you telling me this because you’re scared to tell them?” Moony asks.
Sirius lets another tear fall down before wiping them both away and standing up, taking the phone with him. He goes to the bed and lays on it, stares at the ceiling.
“Would you stay with me until I fall asleep?”
There’s a silence then Moony murmurs, “Yeah. What do you want me to do?”
“Anything. You can talk, you can sing, you can breath. I’ll take anything.”
“Alright.” Moony says softly, “I’ll just breath then, alright?”
“Alright.”
And so Moony breathes, and so Sirius falls asleep.