Chapter 10
Sirius Black never thought he’d reach twenty. For some reason or the other, he could never fathom himself at that age. It was the unreachable. Each day, Sirius feels like he shouldn’t be there, in some way or the other, but today, on his twentieth birthday, Sirius feels even more like an imposter. He never thought he’d reach twenty.
Sirius knows he spends a lot of time staring at his ceiling, too much time, he knows it. He is staring at his ceiling right now and he pictures himself at every age. There was a time where he was innocent and hopeful, where he didn’t think it’d be a surprise to be alive on his twentieth birthday. Sirius stares at his ceiling, not leaving the room for the moment, because he knows that his friends are waiting for him in the living room, they always are. It’s like a tradition, for all of their birthdays.
Sirius is twenty and he feels like he shouldn’t be.
It’s not that he wants to die, not always. He’s not suicidal neither, way too scared. But he always thought something would kill him before he got the chance to turn twenty. If it wasn’t his parents, it would have been the drugs. If it wasn’t the drugs, it would have been an accident. If it wasn’t an accident, it would have been a murder or something.
Whatever the case, it feels like he should be dead by now.
Deep down, he always knew he would go further than weed in the drugs domain. Of course there were already the pills but it’s not like they could kill him without him trying to, no, Sirius knew that he’ll go down this road. And when he’s high, it doesn’t feel like such a failure, it’s actually so amazing that he really forgets about everything. But coming down… well, it’s a real fall too. Down, down, down. Always downer. The more he takes, lower is the high, lower is the down. But he doesn’t stop, because the highs are worth it. Sirius does not want to stop. Sirius cannot stop.
He ends up getting up since he’s awake, but he doesn’t go to the living room yet, opting for the bathroom, because it’s still early and he knows his friends won’t be done with their planning. He usually wakes up around ten, minimum, but recently, he doesn’t sleep as much as he used to.
Facing the mirror, he realises that it is starting to show. He can see the traces of the lack of sleep on his face.
Sirius brushes his teeth and his face, combs his hair, apply cream on his face. He looks at himself in the mirror, considering wether or not putting makeup on. He’s not ready to see them looking at him weirdly because he looks exhausted or bad or whatever. He considers it, knowing that he’ll end up doing it, but not knowing in which order to do things.
Through the mirror, he looks at the place where he hides his coke. He decides to start there.
After that, Sirius finishes to get ready. He puts makeup on and get dressed, practices his smile a few times and exits his bathroom, then his room, to enter the living room.
As expected, everyone is here.
As expected, they didn’t expect to see him so early.
He really did take his time but Sirius is Sirius and he was tired to wait.
“Happy birthday!” James screams first, lifting him in the air as he hugs him.
“Oh, hi, thank you Jamie.” Sirius smiles, hugging him back.
James puts him down and smiles a wide smile at him, “How does it feel being twenty then? A new dozen.”
Sirius fights not to cringe and plasters a grin on his face, “You know.” He waves a hand. “Still proud to be the oldest.”
“You always were.” Mary comes next to them, rolling her eyes before pushing James so she can hug Sirius in turn. “Birthday Siri.”
“Thanks Mar.”
It’s then a round of happy birthdays and hugs and honestly, Sirius feels very much alright. There is all of his closest friends and there is his brother who even hugs him without making a single mean comment. Sirius is high on so many things all at once and he feels great. He feels like taking over the world.
All in all, it’s a good awakening and Sirius ends up being happy at his friends presence. He’s also high and he knows it won’t last.
“Do you want to know what we planned for today?” Lily asks at some point.
“Of course.” Sirius answers.
“Good, you won’t.” She smiles. “Because you love surprises.”
Sirius doesn’t anymore, but he used to. Surprises just scare him now. Nonetheless, he smiles and shakes his head at her.
“Okay, okay. But I have something to do first. You weren’t going to stick with me all day long anyways.” He rolls his eyes. They exchange a look. “What? You were?”
“Well, it’s your twentieth birthday dickhead.” Regulus says from against the wall.
“Sirius, we took the motherfucking plane for the anniversary of your birth and you really thought we weren’t going to be glued to you all day?” Mary cocks an eyebrow.
“I don’t know.” He shrugs, a little flustered. “I thought you had other plans than staying with me.” He looks down. Why would they just spend the whole day with him? “Reggie,” he looks up. “Didn’t you have a meeting with Rab today?”
“On your birthday? A meeting with that hoe? Sirius you cannot be for real.”
They all laugh and Sirius forces himself to join. Well, they’re with him then.
“Alright, alright.” He says, putting his hands up in surrender. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I have something to do so you’ll plan me a very nice and grandiose surprise while I’m away.”
“What is it that you have to do?” James arches an eyebrow at him, suspicious.
“Oh, you know.” Sirius waves a hand, standing up. “Things.” James gives him a pointed look that Sirius ignores, turning to the girls. “So, I have put a bunch of clothes on my bed and I let you free will to style me for when I come back.”
“Oh my god! Like when we were in high school!” Mary says, jumping in place. Sirius nods. “I loved to dress you up. You know, like an human doll but who made comment when he thought the outfit were trash.”
“Come on, Mar. I never thought your outfit were trash.”
“You thought mine were.” Marlene raises an eyebrow.
“Once. Just once. But it was horrible.”
“I’m going to forget that because it’s your birthday. You’re just an old man who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
They all burst out laughing and Sirius feels something happening to his heart at the expression ‘old man’ being used for him. Sirius may have reached twenty, but he knows not so deep inside that he’ll never reach the stage of ‘old man’.
***
“Okay. What is this about?”
“I’m twenty today.” Padfoot sighs.
“Oh. Are we the third already?” Remus asks.
Padfoot nods as an answer and Remus joins him. He knew, of course he knew what day it is. He just didn’t dare to bring the subject, because last time they talked about it, Padfoot didn’t seem that enthusiastic about his birthday.
“Happy birthday.” He says, a little breathlessly.
Padfoot looks up and offers him a smile that makes mean things to Remus’ heart, “I think it’s going to be, actually. I wasn’t on a good start but I have people with me that make things better.” He seems fond as he talks about his friends? Family? “You make things better too, Moony.”
Remus looks at him and tries to not let this last sentence get to his head, even less to his heart. Motherfucking hell, he promised to himself that it couldn’t happen. And still, he is here, hoping that Padfoot means these words for him and not only for the weed.
Sometimes, he really has the impression that Padfoot appreciates him for him, and then he remembers the context. The awful context. Padfoot is a drug addict. Remus is a drug dealer. There is nothing to be done here, nothing that can happen. Remus sells, Padfoot buys. Remus rises, Padfoot falls.
He wishes they had met under other circumstances. He wishes he wasn’t Mooner and he wishes Padfoot didn’t need drugs to go on. He wishes the world was different but it’s been a long time since he knows it won’t happen. And, like when he was fifteen and came to the realisation that he couldn’t change society, Remus is trying to force himself to the realisation that none of those other wishes are plausible. He is Mooner and Padfoot is an addict. They wouldn’t have met any other way and sometimes Remus finds himself happy that they had at least a chance to meet. He’s pathetic.
“Well, cheers.” He makes a small laugh.
Padfoot looks at him and Remus has to look away because his eyes. There is something about his eyes and, even worst, his gaze. There is something in the way Padfoot looks at him that gives too many sensations to Remus at the same time. It’s like he could simply implode from the strength of Padfoot’s gaze on him.
“Would you come back to the bar soon?” Padfoot asks, still staring at Remus of this way of his.
Remus went to see Padfoot sing twice in total and he has been fighting with himself not to go back. Except Padfoot is asking him to come back and he is looking at him that way, so Remus cannot refuse, “Yeah, I think.”
“Great.” Padfoot smiles widely. It’s almost juvenile. “Well, I shall go. I have people waiting for me. It’s my birth anniversary after all, I’m the emperor of the day. See you soon, Moons.”
He winks, waves, and he is gone.
Sometimes, Remus thinks the boy is a hurricane. Most of the time, he knows he’s trapped in it.
***
Sirius is twenty years old today and Regulus remembers him being seven and full of dreams, ten and full of dreams, thirteen and a little shit, but still full of dreams. Sirius dreamed until he was sixteen and suddenly, he stopped.
Regulus sometimes feels like his brother stopped living entirely all those years ago. And maybe he did, maybe he hasn’t really lived ever since.
“What are you doing?” James asks, leaning above him.
Regulus closes his laptop and looks up at James, “Writing.”
James is smiling and after a few seconds, he slides smoothly on the chair next to Regulus, “Something for Sirius?”
“No.” Regulus says looking away.
“Liar.” James laughs.
Regulus looks back at him and he finds James watching him so fondly. He’s so pretty. Every day they spend trying, Regulus cannot believe that it is really happening, that James really wants him back.
“He’s my biggest source of inspiration, you know.” Regulus murmurs, looking down. “We write better about what we know. He’s what I know best. And nobody knows me as much as he does.” James hums and Regulus looks up. “We write better about what we love too.”
“Oh.” James makes.
Regulus bites the inside of his bottom lips and looks away once more, “I write a lot about you.”
When he looks back, James is looking at him with wide eyes and slowly, his lips twitch up, a wonderful grin crossing his face in seconds. “Oh.” He repeats, more suggestive now.
“Yeah.” Regulus breaths out.
“I really feel like kissing you.”
“ I know.” Regulus says, turning away and opening his laptop again, he feels bright red. “Now, i believe you have things to do and I have something to finish too.”
James doesn’t move for a few seconds then barks a laugh and stands up. He kisses Regulus’ temple lightly and goes back to what he was doing before.
***
“Oh, I love that top” Mary is saying.
“You offered it to him.” Lily rolls her eyes.
“I have such great tastes.” She shakes her head.
They have been building an outfit for Sirius for the past five minutes now, looking at the clothes displayed on the bed, not the ones in the wardrobe. They know by now that Sirius likes his privacy and that he hates when people investigate on him. They also know that he put those clothes on the bed to prevent them from looking through his closet. He’s always been a smart guy, no matter what people said.
They fall in a comfortable silence as they make stacks for what they are considering and what they aren’t. Several times, Lily catches Mary glancing at Marlene and she rolls her eyes at how oblivious the other girl is.
“Marlene.” Mary says, finally.
Lily smiles, sitting on the bed. It’s been days since they arrived and Mary hasn’t asked yet. Maybe it’s because they have a story, maybe it’s for some other reason, but she seems scared to ask what she planned to ask for days.
Lily hasn’t been with them every day since Mary and her arrived. She spent quite some time with Remus and honestly, it kind of recharged her battery. It’s just that Remus is Remus, he’s her best friend. Lily loves all of her friends so much that it can ache, they’ve been a family when she sort of lost hers, but Remus is different. Where her friends are her family, Remus is the air in her lungs, he’s the other part of her.
Mary is the only one who knows about that.
Of course they all know about Remus, Lily couldn’t spend that many years friend with them without talking about Remus. They never met him.
James and Sirius used to beg her to present him to them and Lily is sure that their intention was to corrupt him, but Remus always declined and Lily couldn’t force destiny. If Remus didn’t want to meet her other friends, so shall he.
It’s just that Lily doesn’t really get why he is avoiding her friends like the plague. She knows Remus, it has something to do with the fact that he thinks they’re all posh, but she told him multiple times that they are not only that. Still, he refuses. Still, she doesn’t push. Except she’ll have to. Remus cannot really meet her friends on her wedding day. He’ll be her best man!
“Yeah?” Marlene says suspiciously.
“I have something to ask you.”
“If it’s about the records you let at my place, they’re mine now.”
Mary laughs a little and shakes her head, “No it isn’t.” She turns her head to Lily who gives her a nod. “Would you be my maid of honour?” She asks, turning back to Marlene.
Marlene watches her for a moment, mouth slightly opened, “Is that what you were so scared to ask? Bloody hell, Mar, of course I’ll be your maid of honour you don’t even have to ask.” She rolls her eyes and gives Mary a pointed look, “I already assumed that I was. I would have been offended.”
Mary visibly relaxes, tension slipping off her shoulders. Really, Lily doesn’t know why she was so scared. Of course Marlene was going to say yes.
“Who’s your maid of honour?” Marlene asks Lily then. “Because I assumed that if I wasn’t Mary’s, I’ll be yours.”
“Always so full of yourself, aren’t you McKinnon?” Lily laughs. Marlene arches an eyebrow, a tiny smirk on her lips as she waits for an answer. “I asked Remus to be my best man.”
“Aw, that’s to cute Lils.” Marlene makes. “I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Yeah.” Lily says in a breath. “Yeah, me too.”
***
James absolutely adores birthdays. There is something about dedicating a whole day to someone that he just loves.
James adores birthdays. He adores his, and he adores his friends’. But there is something different about Sirius (and Regulus’ , but they never celebrated his birthday together) birthday each years. Each year, James tries to make up for all his wasted birthdays in this hell of a family that was his. James always does his maximum, every year, because Sirius deserves it. Sirius deserves a lot of things he never got to have.
Therefore, James’ problem is that he wants to do too good, too much, which leads to a numerous numbers of fights with his friends.
“No, James, why did you buy that?” Lily is saying, a hand on her face.
“Because he’s fucking twenty years old! He deserves fireworks!”
“James! We cannot just use fireworks! We’re in the middle of London.”
“But! Sirius! Fireworks! He’ll love it!”
“I know.” Lily exhales, placing a hand on his shoulder, “But that doesn’t mean we can do that. James, it’s going to be great either ways.”
“I just want it to be perfect.” James murmurs, looking down.
It is kind of stronger than him, especially when it comes to Sirius. Lily knows that, everybody knows that. James can be too much, he knows that, no one ever cares to tell him but he knows he can be.
They hear the door of Sirius’ apartment opening and a few seconds later, Sirius steps into the room.
“Hiya my lovers.” He says with a grin to James and Lily, the only two there. “Where is the rest of my crew?”
James studies Sirius as Lily tells him that everyone is already at the Potters for lunch and that they were waiting for him to come home, change, and then leave all together. James studies Sirius and he notices that he is wearing concealer, but he doesn’t know how much. James studies Sirius and he notices that his hair is less shiny than usually, and usually is already less shiny than it used to be.
Since years, Sirius is a shadow, recently, he strikes James as darkness itself.
“We built you two outfit, of course,” Lily is saying, leading Sirius to his own bedroom, “One for the day, one for the night. You better be ready for today.”
Sirius makes a sort of laugh and looks away from Lily, in the direction of the bathroom, for only a second before focusing back on her, “I expected nothing less from you.” He grins at Lily.
She abruptly takes him in her arms and starts to tell him something that James forces himself not to listen to. It’s none of his business.
That’s something he had to learn to do, not listen when he’s not concerned. He used to want to be included in everything, to interrupt everyone. That caused him some troubles, because he kind of did it with everyone, even people who weren’t especially his friends.
There was a time in fifth year when Sirius used to get in fights because of him; he was always a bit of a fighter, James not much.
“Okay, I’m ready.” Sirius says, exiting the bathroom (he went there to change a while ago).
“You’re marvellous.” Lily says with a smile. “Let’s go now.”
***
It has been a while since the Potters’ house hasn’t welcomed that much young people. It has always been an alive house, always people around, always warm. And since maybe forever, this house has had the reputation of being a place where you feel comfortable.
Euphemia Potter is very proud of this reputation because she worked hard for it. She grew up dreaming of a loving home, growing up in a house that wasn’t that at all, and when she met and fell in love with Monty, she actually thought it was possible. So she worked for it. They had James and then, later on, Sirius.
Sirius who was terrified of her the first time they met. Sirius who stopped talking every time she knocked on James’ door to tell them something. Sirius in whose eyes she saw fear the rare times they crossed gaze. Sirius where she saw herself.
Maybe she made it a mission for herself to save this kid, maybe she did everything so he could see her as a safe place, as a good person, and maybe she succeeded for the last part, but she never totally saved Sirius. She got him out of there, she got Regulus out of there, and she doesn’t really know about Regulus, but she never got them out of Sirius. Sometimes, she still sees the fear in his eyes.
Euphemia knew what to do to help him out, to make him trust her, but she doesn’t know what to do anymore. She knew, because she’s been there, but she never lived what Sirius is living right now, she never coped that way.
“So, you’re not coming in to say hello?” She says, coming next to Sirius outside where he is smoking.
He turns to her, startled, and turns off his joint, “Effie!”
“Happy birthday, my boy.” She says, taking him in her arms. Sirius hugs her tightly, like he always does, like if she might go away, like if she’s some kind of dream that might fade away. She lets him, every time. And she hugs him back, just as tightly.
The embrace lasts longer than usually and when he breaks apart, Sirius wipes a few tears off and Euphemia takes his face between her palms, “Thank you.” He murmurs.
“Are you okay, dear?” She asks just as low.
Sirius seems to shake his head and nod at the same time, “I’m alright.” His voice breaks. “I’m good, thanks Effie.”
She wipes the remaining tears with his thumbs and Sirius closes his eyes. He’s taller than her now, and Euphemia remembers him so small, so fragile. She looks at his face and she sees ghosts, she sees pain. Sirius is pale and his skin is dull, he’s not the bright boy, shining like his star, that he used to be.
“I wasn’t supposed to cry.” He scoffs but he’s still not opening his eyes, and Euphemia is not taking off her hands. “Shit.”
“It’s alright. Cry as much as you need to. Take your time.”
And he does, because he always seems to do what Euphemia tells him to do, and maybe she should tell him to stop the drug, and maybe he’ll listen, but she doesn’t, she doesn’t know how to, and she hates herself for that.
***
“Here comes the man of the day.” Monty says when Sirius enters the living room, extending his arms for an embrace. “Happy birthday, son.”
“I sure hope I’m the man of every days.” Sirius grins, accepting the hug.
“You are, but don’t tell James.” Fleamont whispers and when Sirius breaks apart, he mimics zipping his mouth which makes Monty barks a laugh.
“Flea, I need you in the kitchen.” Effie calls, passing next to them. She stops when she sees Marlene and smiles at her, “You okay, dear?”
Marlene could die. She nods and smiles like an idiot and Effie nods back before leading to the kitchen, Fleamont on her heels.
“You’re a pathetic little woman.” Sirius says, coming to her. “This crush on Effie is getting weird.”
“But have you seen her, Pads? I’ll be pathetic for her every day.”
“She’ll step on you and you’ll thank her.” He smiles.
“As I should.” She nods solemnly. “She’s a goddess walking on earth.”
They burst into laughter all at once, falling on one another.
“Please tell me you weren’t talking about my mum.” James says, coming to them.
Marlene and Sirius exchange a look just to start laughing again, letting James to his despair.
***
The first time Peter really felt like a part of their friend group was on Sirius’ birthday, the first they ever spent all together. It wasn’t what anyone would call a good birthday, not really. For one thing, they spent the whole day not knowing it was his birthday and only discovered it at dinner when Minnie came to give him a letter from his parents and wished him a happy birthday by the way.
After that, they tried to make up for the day all night. And Peter felt like a member of their friend group because the first thing James did when he decided that they should do something, was going to Peter. Because Peter was one of their best friend, wasn’t he?
At the time, the girls weren’t fans of Sirius, finding him presumptuous and hating on his hair (that was mostly Marlene), but Peter is sure they all became real friends that night.
After that, they never spent a birthday apart.
“Oh, fuck, it’s Minnie.” Sirius says, looking at his phone ringing. “It’s Minnie, what do I do?”
“You answer?” Mary proposes, amused.
“Okay, yeah, but–”
“It’s your birthday.” Regulus cuts. “She’s going to wish you a happy birthday.”
“Oh. Right.” He stands up. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”
They all look at him go to another room and James sighs, “She always loved him more than she ever loved us.”
“It’s okay, dear.” Effie says, putting a hand on his forearm, visibly amused.
“You love him more than me, mum.” James continues dramatically, falling on his arm.
Sirius takes a moment to come back and no one says anything when he comes back with red eyes, they all know it’s not from smoking.
***
“What is it?”
“Just shut up and follow me.”
“Is it another gift? Another surprise? Reg, I think I already got more than I deserved today.”
Regulus stops, turning to face his brother. “Don’t you dare say that. You deserve everything Sirius, everything.”
Sirius makes a noise as Regulus resumes walking, leading him to his own bedroom.
“I have to get ready for the party.”
“The party will wait Sirius. Please I–” Regulus interrupts himself and stops again. “I have something for you.”
“I wouldn’t have guessed.” Sirius jokes.
“Sirius.” Regulus warns.
“Sorry.”
Regulus swallows then fetches in his bag. He extends his gift to Sirius and fidgets while he opens it.
“A book?”
“Yeah.” Regulus breaths out.
“What about?” Sirius looks up.
“You. Us. Me. I don’t really know.” Regulus says. “It’s poems I wrote through the years, poems that never made it out of my journals because, well, they were meant for you and you only. It’s not– you can read them. Really. It’s just–”
“Thank you.” Sirius interrupts, taking his brother in his arms. “Thank you so much. It– it means a lot.” He breaks apart. “You write about me?”
“What? Sirius, I write almost exclusively about and for you.” Regulus says. He takes a big breath in them places his hands on Sirius’ shoulders, “I love you, Sirius. More than anything.”
It is all it takes for Sirius to start crying.
***
The party is mostly their closest friends and it goes well. It goes amazing. People have fun, some drink, some smoke, some do both. People dance and sing and laugh. People give Sirius gifts and hugs and kisses.
At some point he goes missing, he comes back.
At some point Regulus and James are about to kiss, they don’t.
At some point Mary, Marlene and Peter laugh so much that they almost pee themselves.
At some point Lily exits the main room and comes back looking dull and unwell, but no one’s knows why.
But overall, it is a good night.