Chapter 1
It's been a month since the prank and Sirius Black is alone.
He knows he deserves to be alone, for no one to talk to him, to not be able to sleep in his dorm room without scoffs and stares. That dosnt mean it hurts any less.
Sirius hasn't slept in his dorm since the night of the prank, he has only been there once to get some clothes but he needs to go and get some more.
He walks in, he dosn't think anyone will be there since its the middle of the day, but as he walks in Remus is sitting there on his bed reading a book.
"Hey Prongs I didn't kn-" Remus stopped as he looked up, it wasn't James standing there as he thought it was. It was Sirius.
"What do you want?" Remus said coldly.
"I'm just getting some of my things" Sirius answered as he walked over to his bed. He wanted to run up to Remus and apologise until he couldn't anymore, he wanted to tell him that it was his biggest mistake and that he hates himself for it, that even though he was pissed off that it wasn't an excuse to tell Snape.
Instead he just walked over and threw some of his clothes into a bag. As he was walking out Remus spoke.
"So that's it? Your not going to say anything?"
"Moo- Remus" Sirius spoke remembering that Remus had told him to never call him that again.
"I'm so sorry, and I know its not enough and it never will be, and I know you won't ever forgive me but I need you to know that I am so sorry, no words can explain how sorry I am"
Remus scoffed "your right, it's not enough. You know that my biggest fear is killing someone and yet you still told Snape to go down there. Get out, I said GET OUT"
Sirius walked out of the room tears in his eyes but he knew he shouldn't be the one crying so he didn't.
It was 2 nights later Sirius still sitting up on the edge of the wall of an abandoned wing in the castle. He was smoking a cigarette looking out on the grounds. Remembering all the times they had running across thoes grounds without a care in the world, he looked over at the quidditch pitch and remembers all the times he got hit off his broom and Remus and Peter ran down to see if he was okay.
He looked over at the forbidden forest and remembered how many times they snuck in thre to have a cig, or how many times they ran in there after being caught pulling a prank. He smiled remembering thoes timed.
Then tears pooled in his eyes as he remembered what he done, how he hurt Remus, the only person who ever loved him the way he loved him. Tears started falling down his cheeks as he remembered that he won't ever get to do those stupid childish things again because he ruined it.
He had been thinking of it for the last few weeks this time stronger than every.
'The world would be better of without me' the thought, 'Remus would be happy without having to see me to remind him of my mistake, James wouldn't have to choose sides since Remus was the only one alive. Peter wouldn't have to feel torn since he loves keeping the peace. Reggie would become the heir and family would stop asking him why am I not at home, he wouldn't have anyone to compete with and he wouldn't have to stay in that house to keep me safe.'
It was final in Sirius's mind, he was going to kill himself tonight. And so he began writing the notes.
He started off with McGonnagal just saying thank you for everything.
Then his family (mostly his parents) saying how much he hated them and this is partly their fault, how they took everything good away from him so now he is going to take the heir from them.
And then the Potters, thanking them for taking him in, thanking them for making him feel cared for and loved, and he thanks them for making him feel as though he was part if their family.
Then he started writing his freinds ones.
Dear Peter,
I'm sorry I am doing this but it is better this way, I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I made you have to choose sides, and I'm sorry for ever choosing James or Remus over you, I never ever meant to hurt you but always know that you were one of my best freinds and you saved me more times than I can count, so for that I thank you. And I'm sorry.
Then he moved onto James.
Deer (one last joke I suppose) James,
I am so sorry that I'm doing this and I'm sorry for everything I have ever done that ever upset you. I'm sorry for making you pick sides, for getting you in trouble, I'm sorry for even the little things like taking your jumper or coping your homework. But most importantly thank you.
Thank you for everything James, you took me in when I had had no where to go, and you saved me from my own darkest thoughts so many times.
James I ask of you 2 things number one to make sure Remus and Peter are okay. And second, if reggie tries to get out of that house, please help him like you did me, I am leaving him some money and I hope that will help you care for him. Care for him like you cared for me James.
And Last thing James, never forget that I loved you, I loved you like a brother, you were my second brother in my eyes, and when ever you remember me, remember me as your brother.
Then Regulus.
Hey Reggie, if your reading this it means it worked and I'm dead, I'm sorry I did this to you Reggie, but think of it as now you don't have to stay in that house to protect me, I have told James that if you are to escape that he is to let you in, and I know he will. Please Reggie don't stay in that house, you are an amazing strong and bright boy, and you don't deserve what our family puts you through. Please Reggie I beg of you leave that house.
And Reggie, never remember me as your cowardly brother who killed himself, remember me as your brother who fought for who he loved, the brother who protected you and the brother who loved you, but also remember me as the brother who made stupid mistakes, but never remember me as cowardly.
I love you little lion, stay safe. Love your older brother Siri.
He then done his will, he wanted to leave Remus until last.
He gave James all of his quidditch things, he gave Peter half of his books and some of his clothes. He gave Remus the rest of his clothes, half of his books and half of his money. And he left Regulus everything else and the other half of his money.
Then he finished on his final letter.
Dear Remus,
I wanted to start of by saying how sorry I am, how sorry I am for what I done, I wish I never did and I am so so sorry nothing can ever explain how sorry I am for it, next I wanted to say sorry for doing this, I want you to know that it isn't your fault and I'm doing this for me, I guess it's the last selfish thing I'll ever do. Your the reason I didn't do this years ago, then a year ago, then a few months ago, your the one who kept me going Remus, if you knew it or not you have forever saved me even if I'm dead, you saved me.
Please never blame yourself for this as all I want is for you to remember me as your strong (ex or not is don't even know) boyfreind, who was selfish and unloyal and thought he was unlovable until he met you. I want you to remember me as the boy you met on the train in 1st year, the first boy who fell in love with you, the little boy on the train who bought us some chocolate frogs to share together, as the other 2 boys James and Peter walked in and shard them with us.
You can remember me as selfish, cowardly and unloyal, but also remember me as that boy.
I'm so sorry Remus, moony, I loved you more than anything, and never forget I'm watching over you and I'm always in the stars. I love you and always have.
Love Padfoot.
By the time he finished Remus's note had wet and smudged blotches from his tears. He knew this is what he nedded to do.
He had thought about jumping of of the tower and while that seemed like a good idea he didn't want some first years to find him covered in blood on the ground.
He had also though about avada kadava himself but he didn't think that would be painful enough.
So he settled on stabing himself, he had stolen a knife from the kitchen a week or 2 ago when he was thinking about ending it but decided not to. He still had the knife and decided that's how he is going to take his life.
He pulled on his leather Jacket as he thought it was symbolic to die in it since they had always joked that he wears it so much he would die in it.
He looked at the knife, just a plain old kitchen knife with a wooden handle.
He raised the knife up to his chest took a deep breath in and slowly started putting the knife in, relishing in every second. It was only barley in when someone grabbed Sirius shoulders and arms and made him stop pushing the knife into his chest. "Wha-" Sirius began to say
"WHAT THE FUCK SIRIUS" it was Remus, why was Remus here.
"Why are you here, how did you even know where I am?" Sirius replied, knife still in his chest but not far enough in that he can't talk.
"The fucking map Sirius" Remus replied
"Thats not bloody important right now, what the fuck are you doing"
"What does it look like Remus" Sirius answered, trying to push the knife in more but Remus was to strong, especially since Sirius has barley eaten in the last month.
"Why the fuck would you do this Sirius" Remus said still shouting.
"Better question is why wouldn't I? You hate me James hates me, Peter hates me, I have to go back to Grimmauld Place in 2 weeks for the holidays, this would help Regulus, so why wouldn't I, I'm the problem Remus, every bad this that ever happens is my fault, family fights? Me. Regulus gets so much pressure put on him after I left? Me. Hurting you? ME REMUS ALL OF IT IS ME IM THE PROBLEM I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN" Sirius lashed out.
"Sirius, look at me, of course I'm mad at you but could never hate you, James could never ever hate you, he's lost without you, same with Peter everyone is lost without you around us so how do you think if you be if you fucking died. And what do you mean you have to go back to Grimmauld Place in 2 weeks? Why are you not going to the Potters?" Remus replied his voice getting calmer.
"I obviously wasn't going to go to the Potters if yous all hate me, I have already asked mum and she said I can, she's making me cut my hair and stop talking to yous but little does she know yous won't talk to me so that's fine" Sirius replied, blood all over his shirt at this point.
"Your not going back there Sirius, now let me take this knife out" Remus replied
"No, I still have to do this for Reggie, even if what your saying is true and yous don't hate me, Reggie needs to be free" Sirius replied, his voice getting weaker as he looses blood but still trying to push the knife in more, but its no use Remus is to strong.
"Sirius we can find a different way to help Regulus but I need to get this knife out now" Remus replied.
Sirius was to weak to keep fighting with him so he dropped his hands and let Remus take the knife out.
Remus pulled it out and relised there was nothing to put pressure against it with so he pulled of his shirt and kept pressure on Sirius's wound until is stopped bleeding enough he could use magic to heal it.
Sirius's vision was going blurry from blood loss, he grabbed Remus's hand and said "I love you moony" and after that Sirius started slipping in and out of contiousness, Remus used a spell that covered the wound, with was still a huge scar that would probably rip open but it was good enough for now.
"Sirius, look at me, Sirius" Remus said and he grabbed Sirius's face, Sirius's eyes opening and closing slowly.
Remus cast a spell and transfigured a peice of parchment into a potion, he made Sirius drink it and Sirius started to regain contiousness.
"I'm sorry" Sirius said, his voice breaking.
"I'm sorry for this, and I'm sorry for what I done, I'm sorry for everything"
"It'll be okay Sirius, but let's get you to the dorms, I'll grab your things" as Remus was throwing all of Sirius's things into the bag he came across the notes.
"Are these?" Remus began
"The notes? Yeah, one for all of yous, reggie, the Potters and McGonnagal" Sirius said, you could tell he was weak by his voice.
Remus grabbed his one and began reading "Remus no-" Sirius began but Remus shushed him.
You could see in Remus's eyes tears were pooling as he read it.
As Remus finished reading it he said.
"I'm sorry Siri, I'm so sorry"
"What? Your sorry? For what? You didn't do anything I did" Sirius said.
"No I'm sorry for making you feel like this Sirius, I was and still am mad but I shouldn't have mad enough feel like this, I'm sorry" Remus said
"You have nothing to be sorry about it was all me" Sirius replied.
"C'mon ill help you up to the dorms" Remus said
"But- what about the others-" Sirius began but Remus cut him off.
"I'll deal with them" Remus said.
Remus picked Sirius and put his arm around him letting Sirius use him as support.
"I love you Remus" Sirius whispered.
"I love you to Pads" Remus replied and planted a gental kiss on his forehead.
And for the first time in a long time, Sirius felt as everything will be okay.