chapter 5
Utter betrayal from James aside, Sirius has now got bigger things to occupy his mind and bitch about to the only person who is currently still helping him pack - marlene. He still isn’t sure how he’s supposed to act about the breakup, with his friends. What he does know is that Marlene has decided that for once in her life she’d like to be independent. As her best friend, Sirius knows that he needs to find somewhere else to set up camp.
Theoretically, he could tap into the trust that his uncle left him, but he still feels like he should be able to ‘adult’ independently, like most of his friends do. He doesn’t want to see himself as a spoilt brat who never grew up. There was no harm in crashing on one of his friends' sofas for a bit, until he found himself a flat that wasn’t too far away.
“Marls, I absolutely hate to make myself at home in your flat, but Jamie has in fact said no to me for one of the first times.”
“The first of many, I hope.”
“Harsh for someone who let me trap her in a heterosexual relationship for years, but we digress. I have nowhere to live.”
Marlene looks up from her book, which she is reading while lying comfortably on the sofa, her feet propped up on one of many of sirius’ packed boxes. He feels like he’s been living his life in boxes, moving out of remus’ around six months ago before moving into james’ flat, moving out of james’ flat and into marlenes’ tiny one bedroom box. She had offered to let him share, anyway, but he knows that really she needs some space from him. If all else fails, he will reside on her sofa and spend every non-sleeping hour in James’ living room, new roommate be damned.
“You could, in fact, and I know that this might be difficult to wrap your thick skull around, just call him?”
Remus has still not moved out of their shared flat. Even though Sirius has long since left that place behind, he still pays his share of the rent with the money that the potters have given him. He refuses to let Remus move out, knowing that it’s his perfect place to live. It has the right sized kitchen, two bedrooms. It’s on the second floor - but the lift always works. He never has to struggle up the stairs. When they were looking, remus had seemed so excited to find the place. Sirius didn’t see anything special about it, but remus’ eyes had lit up at the built in shelves in the walls (“Pads, I can display our CDs and our vinyls and my books!”) and he had started pulling sirius by his shirtsleeve in excitement when he had seen their favourite spot. In the front room, facing the park, was a window seat. Remus had started talking about how he could waste his life reading in the sun, but Sirius wasn’t really listening. He knew that they would end up there, either way, because moony finally seemed like he wanted to live there. What's more, he wanted to live there with him.
That didn’t last very long.
“You know, Marlene, sometimes I think you suggest the most emotionally taxing thing on purpose.”
“Sometimes, yes. Other times, everything is emotionally taxing for you because you are emotionally stunted. Call him or I will.”
“Why do you choose to insult me in my time of need, marlene? Why are any of us friends with you?”
“If you don’t call him before the end of the day, I will not only inform him of your forthcoming homelessness but I will let him know about that time I woke up to you crying because you realised he took you off of his close friends list on insta. This is your choice, babe.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“I would.”
“You would. Anyway, let me try some other people first. If it's okay with you, I’d rather not pick the quickest path to a mental breakdown if presented with the option.”
“Ok dude, I warned you.”
***
Sirius has called James, Mary, Pete (who didn’t pick up), his friend Gideon from school, and gideons twin brother who he has only met twice. He even called Gilderoy, the prick in his composition class who’s convinced that he’ll be the next mozart. Everyone, so far, has either given a shitty excuse or flat out told him that they didn’t want anyone in their house at the moment. He has collapsed dramatically onto Marlene's bed, phone in hand, telling himself that it would probably be easier to ask Remus in person. (he is putting it off). Their shift together starts in an hour, and marlene has threatened to tell Remus herself when the three of them, plus James and his new roommate, grab a drink this evening.
He knows that it’s a little bit ridiculous, refusing to even call someone who used to wake up in the room next to him every day. This is the same man who has sirius’ subway order committed to memory. But he also doesn’t feel very good about himself, running away to give Remus time to heal and to give them both time to breathe and then coming back of his own accord. Rushing things and inserting himself into remus’ space when he has only just been forgiven. He also doesn’t even know if Remus wants them to go back to the way they were before. It stills feels like it’ll never truly be the same again, and he remembers how their flat had become suffocating, the tension was painful. Everything felt so intense. He felt like he was just waiting for Remus to stop speaking in his measured tone and do something. Cry? Shout at him? Besides the night where everything had unfolded the first time, Remus had yet to raise his voice. Everything was silent, everything was cold. It reminded him too much of his childhood for him to want to stay there anymore. He never wanted to associate his childhood with something like remus. Remus was always going to be pure, and light, and good. He was the thing that Sirius looked towards for a sense of security. He wasn’t going to taint that. And no matter how many times he apologised, Remus never let up with his coldness, never let himself get too close. It killed Sirius, slowly at first, until he realised that the only way to fix it and make sure that their flat never felt as stilted and empty as grimmauld place felt growing up was to leave. If it meant that Moony would act like a person again, act comfortable in his own home, then he would move out. He would do anything to undo the damage he did with his own hotheadedness.
When Sirius sees Remus at the bar that evening, in their usual uniform, the two wave at each other. Remus smiles at him, and Sirius feels some of the ice melt in his chest, the anxiety of the day melt away from his bones. Remus is unstacking the barstools, and out of habit Sirius reads into his facial expression, scanning for any sign that he’s in pain. As if summoned by his searching look, Remus winces as he places one of the stools down. Sirius takes that as his sign to take over, rushing in and grabbing the stool off him. Remus stands there, bemused.
“Sirius, I thought we were going to stop treating me like an invalid.”
he thinks his heart might jump out of its cage. Remus is bantering with him again?
“I thought we were going to stop assuming I would ever want you to hurt, Moony.”
he says it casually, it rolls off his tongue. He doesn’t realise the subtext hidden beneath until he realises that Remus has turned away. The silence is back, this time, and when remus doesn’t say anything in response,
“Sorry, but you know that it’s true, Rem.”
“It’s fine. I know. Don’t call me Rem.”
“I thought I was the only one allowed to use those idiot nicknames,” he jokes.
A steadfast look in the other direction. Asking Remus if he can move back in (temporarily!!) might be harder than he thought.