somebody else

Sirius is due onstage in their bar in five minutes, and he feels a bit ridiculous, to be honest. He had watched for years as musicians and bands played to the empty crowd, and had always wanted to do the same. Remus had always encouraged him. One day, he actually asked his manager if he could have a slot. While he, to be frank, was shaking, she blinked up at him for a second before shaking her head.

“Do you even read my emails? The sign up sheet is right there?” 

He grinned at her, summoning all of his charm.

“Can you please put me into the next free slot?”

She tutted, before assenting. That was months ago now, and his rotation had finally come. Thursday nights, eleven o’clock. This was his first time, and he knew that most of the people who knew him were expecting an electric guitar, probably someone playing the drums.
When he climbed onto their tiny, wooden stage in the corner of the bar, he waved at marlene and james and another ginger girl who did not look too overjoyed to be there. James was pointedly sitting as far as possible from Marlene, and new ginger girl was chatting with Remus, who was behind the bar, while sneaking in a glare for James between every other word. James, of course, was waving enthusiastically back at sirius. He sent a thumbs up.
Sirius lifted his keyboard onto the stand in front of him and sat down on the bar stool. He leant into the mic.

“Hi, uhm,” the feedback made a high pitched noise that caught most of the bar's attention, “I'm Sirius black, and I'll be playing somebody else by the 1975.”

He threw a wink out in james’ direction before staring point blank at a panel on the far wall. He plastered a smirk onto his face, channelled just enough of his trademark charm. Started playing the chords that he used to play obsessively in his bedroom in the middle of the night when he was trying not to listen to his best friend sleep on the other side of the wall.

So i heard
You found
Somebody else
And at first, i thought it was a lie
I took my things that made a sound, the rest I can do without

His fingers were flying over the keys now, muscle memory kicking in from years of practice and wrapped knuckles. Truthfully, he would rather be playing his guitar right now. But Remus loved this song, and he wanted Remus to love him again, and he was really only up here because Remus had told him he could do it anyway. He closed his eyes and pretended like he couldn’t feel amber eyes burning into his forehead, trying to read his mind.
 

///

When Remus Lupin looks up from the bar, away from his friends and up to the wooden stage, his head is reeling. He wants to cry. He wants to scream. He wants to accept that he was just being dramatic, and that maybe he should just let it the fuck go. 

***

I don’t want your body
But I hate to think about you with somebody else
An argument, one like they’ve never had before. Sirius black, head in his hands, fingers shaking over his eyes. Sitting down, looking away from remus. Pretending like he isn’t right. 
First it was because Remus had brought his new boyfriend home. Someone who actually likes him, wants him back, unlike sirius. Sirius, who spent the evening sending dirty looks over the table at trivia night, glaring at Danny any time he moved closer, touched Remus's hand. They had argued over it on the walk home. Sirius was mad, but he couldn’t figure out why. Remus had finally come out to everyone, started seeing someone, and their dynamic felt broken and stilted since.
Remus, trying to hit a weak point in a moment of anger, trying to get Sirius to do something he thought would be right. Trying to prove to himself that they weren’t completely ruined. Sirius still trusted him, right? But the minute he had brought it up, sulking had turned into suffocating silence and shooting daggers. Rolling his eyes whenever Remus made a point. God, he was so full of himself. He was sick of the act, of Sirius acting like he didn’t care.

“You’re so fucking dramatic, black. I’m not public enemy number one because I suggested you attend your brother's wedding.” 

“Don’t act like you know anything about this. Don’t act like you fucking know me.”

A punch to his gut, his heart in tatters, struggling to beat in his own chest. Hasn’t it always been the same?

Remus loses himself in Sirius's arms, in Sirius's eyes, in Sirius's words. He opens the gashes in his chest and he bleeds all over himself, and Sirius cleans him up, and Remus is grateful and sorry all at once.
But Sirius will lose himself alone, at night, when he thinks no one is listening except james. And sometimes, when things get really bad, he folds himself into Remus and closes his eyes and finds ways to constantly hug him and lean on him and never let go, but Sirius will never tell him what's going on. Not really. And when he thinks Remus is asleep, he whispers to him about why he can never close his eyes without being tormented by his family, not really. Whispers to him about how he doesn’t think he’s ever loved the girls he’s with, not really.

“I only know what you want me to, Sirius.”

“Then why would you be such an insensitive prick about this? You’re supposed save me from this, from myself-”

"How can I fucking do that if you won’t tell me what’s going on? Why can’t you go to his wedding? Stand in the back and say your congratulations and then get the fuck out of there?”

“Because I left him there to die, remus!” Sirius is shouting. Sirius has never shouted at him before. “I left him there, and he almost fucking killed himself because of it, and I didn't visit him in the hospital. What kind of prick would I be if I showed up at his wedding, then? The one they've forced him into? It would seem like I'm fucking agreeing with them.”

"Don't you want to see him again?"

Sirius stays silent. Stands up, turns around to leave. Pauses when he sees Danny's scarf on the coat hook.  Turns around, about to push something out of his stupidly red lips. Exhales, like he can’t force himself to try and say it again. 

Slams the front door on his way out.

Our love has gone cold, you’re intertwining your soul with somebody else

A look he can’t decipher. Sirius black, still not speaking to him, picking up the note that he’s written for him and turning it over in his fingers. Running his slender nails over the handwritten message. Looking at the book that Remus has returned, one of Sirius's, annotated on the inside. Remus is watching from the doorway as he puts the note in his drawer, not even opening it. Watching as he reads the only quote that Remus has flagged with a bright blue sticky tab.

“You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.”

Watches Sirius drop the book as if he’s been burned. Watches him turn around. Looks Remus up and down. Pushes past him and out the door in silence.

I’m looking through you while you’re looking through your phone and leaving with somebody else

An echo of the first time he ever missed someone in his bones. Wandering around his own housewarming party, two months late already. Sirius black, sitting on their new sofa with his girlfriend, marlene. Remus is thinking, absentmindedly, that when Sirius and Marlene have sex on their sofa later he will probably be able to hear them from his bedroom. Sirius is still not speaking to him, and it has been two weeks of agony, and he misses him in his bones. No words over tea that is still left on Remus's nightstand before wakes up, no longer shared together in the kitchen every morning. 

“Marlene, I swear, he’s fucking in love with me or something. He keeps acting like he knows me so well, like when I tell him shit it means something.”

the words are slurred.

“I know he’s a f**, but I didn’t think that being mates with him would make him want to fuck me. Should’ve seen his stupid note, proper gay, it was. I don’t give a shit that he does it, but he only does it to me. He talks with everyone else just fine, I get this fairy bullshit. He can’t even apologise to my face.”

Sirius's cheeks are flushed, and Marlene's lips are parsed. She is probably thinking about how hypocritical her boyfriend is, sitting there and complaining about a gesture that’s seemingly too feminine, too gay, while he’s wearing his long hair in two dutch braids, eyeliner and a button up shirt. The picture of androgyny.  She makes eye contact with Remus twice. Remus, who is standing right next to the sofa.

“Watching him with his boyfriend makes me feel sick, sometimes. And I couldn't tell what it was until he pissed me right off. Can you believe he tried to tell me what to do? I didn’t think I cared, to be honest. Felt right nauseous outside the pub when they kissed goodbye. No one else bothers me like them two. Like, listen, I respect the lifestyle and everything, but I don’t want to see it. It's like watching Reggie deteriorate all over again. I was always scared he would infect me with it. Disowned heir of the black fortune, a fucking queer! Could you imagine? He’s written all over my favourite book, annotations i won’t fucking read, can’t believe he tried to tell me what the fuck to do with my life-”

Sirius is interrupted as Remus dumps his wineglass down his front, staining Sirius's white button up a bloody red. He looks up at Remus, and he’s so disgustingly pretty that Remus almost regrets it. Sirius black, his face morphed into shock and shame and arrogance all at once.

There’s a smashing sound in the kitchen, shouts of annoyance, silver meeting honey, warm meeting cold for what Remus tells himself is the last time, and although the smashing noise in the kitchen is loud the smashing noise in his own ribcage is louder. The shattered pieces of his heart are stabbing into his chest and he can’t breathe anymore, especially not while he looks into his eyes.

“Remus, what the fuck, mate?”

“I’ll get you a new copy.” he says, shortly.

He doesn’t know how he will ever look at his best friend again.

No, I don’t want your body but i’m picturing your body with somebody else
(I don’t want your body)
(I don’t want your body)
(I don’t want your body)

***

When Sirius finishes his songs, Remus is obviously still pissed at him. His gesture clearly didn’t work. Fuck. Their shift is about to end, and James is talking quite animatedly about something when Sirius takes the place next to them. He’s about to get up and make his own drink, but placed in front of him is an espresso martini in a whiskey glass, just the way he likes it. He looks up at Remus to thank him, but the man is engaged in intense conversation with the redhead who followed James in. He pushes down a stab of irritation. He knows he's not entitled to Remus’s attention.
James is talking to Marlene about the new girl at his job. James and marlene work together at the local animal shelter, although marlene works part time. Once Sirius has sat down, however, James abruptly stops talking. He gives Marlene a once over and starts to ignore her in favour of staring at Sirius intently, as if waiting for him to break down into sobs or something. Sirius, in response, maintains eye contact and tries his best not to giggle, leading to a series of snorts escaping from his nose that he watches remus smile at from the corner of his eye before the other boy focuses back on his conversation with the anonymous ginger who Sirius is, like, 80% sure he’s met before.

“James, you don’t have to hate Marlene.”

“It's the principle!”

“I don’t hate her, do I?”

“Alas, Black, if you did I could’ve been freed from your melodrama years ago,” Marlene drawls, from the other side of James.

She is sitting there with her head resting on her hand, watching the scene with a bemused expression. She looks ever so pretty, and Sirius waits for the spark in the depth of his stomach. Nothing.

“McKinnon, how could you?” Sirius cries, “I retract my previous statement, I hate you with a passion I usually only reserve for those people who queue to order at fast food restaurants without deciding what they want.”

“Maybe they’re just indecisive.”

“I do not care, Marlene, if you don’t know what you want then you shouldn’t get in the queue in the first place.”

“What if they can’t read the menu and the only way to find out is to get to the front of the queue?” James interrupts, forever representing the blind people. As if he can read Sirius’ mind, he chooses this moment to push his glasses up his nose in the most geeky way possible.

“Do you think I care if they can’t read, james? You were supposed to be on my side, anyway. What happens to hating on principle when you want to argue over my pet peeves, huh? Some brother you are-”

“Black, shut up.” marlene says, over his rambling.

He’s about to argue, when she gives him a look and he figures that if he wants to keep all his fingers, maybe he should shut up. She stands on her barstool, and looks at all of them with a mock stern expression. Unsurprisingly, no one else in the bar is looking at her. It's late on a Thursday night, and the regulars are used to her antics now.

“Nearest and dearest friends of mine, I would like to tell you something.”

Remus is still talking over Marlene, only stopping when he realises that everyone else has stopped speaking to look at him. He looks up, and the tips of his ears become lightly dusted pink, which Sirius knows only happens when he thinks he’s taking up too much attention.

“My dearest darlings, my beloved family, (and lily- it was so nice to meet you again by the way, we absolutely have to get coffee together tomorrow), I have an announcement to make.”

They all look up at her, expectantly. Sirius knows what's coming.

“I am, simply put. Not for the men. I have realised that I swing the other way, if you will, much to the disappointment of Sirius here.”

“He doesn’t seem too disappointed- Ow! What was that for?”

“Stop ruining her moment,” Sirius whispers.

“AS I WAS SAYING, I am for the ladies. The girlies, a sapphic, a woman who has realised that she appreciates other women.”

She climbs down from her stool, and plops herself down on the counter.

“If any of you have a problem with that, Remus will deck you.”

She smiles happily at him, ruffling his hair from where she’s perched herself on the counter. He smiles back at her, having leant over his forearms to talk to Lily over the bar. His freckles are more visible in the yellow lights of the pub, Sirius thinks. The pang of jealousy hits him like ice-water, churning in his stomach. He feels vaguely ill. Well, there’s the heartbreak, he thinks.

Remus is known for looking harmless most of the time, but his punches are feared by their friend-group and beyond. As if to prove this point, he rolls the sleeves of his uniform up. The scars on his arms have lightened considerably, since Sirius has last seen them. He feels his throat close up, but he has no idea why. He’s seen Remus's arms before.

“I’ll deck them, absolutely. But I don’t think any one of us will be saying anything, marls.”

He looks at sirius as he says this; the churn of his stomach is making him nauseous and he doesn’t know what to say. They are all in silence, it seems, everyone in his group, in the bar, in the world. They’re watching him with judgemental eyes, waiting for him to make a mistake. Remus’s smile doesn’t look warm anymore, it looks calculated, as if he knew that what he said would turn Sirius into a mess. They might be able to spend time together now, but Remus still hated him. Of course he did- he had every reason to. Sirius looks down and into his glass, watches the brown liquid swirl. James, usually eager to rush to his defence, says nothing.

“Marlene and I have already talked about it,” he mutters into his drink, waiting for the tension to be lifted.

He swears he can feel Remus still looking through him, but when he looks up Remus is smiling again, talking to Lily about something or another that Sirius isn’t sitting close enough to hear about. He’s pointedly turned away from him.

Marlene and James are both looking at him, though, waiting for him to say something. James fixes him with a face that simultaneously reads, nothing I can do about the mess you made, mate, and are you okay, you know I'm always here to talk.

Marlene is mouthing ask him.

“Are you an idiot, marlene? Is now really the time? Do you want him to hate me even more?”

“It’s not like he’ll ever say no to you, Sirius.”

They are talking quietly, while James is trying not to look like he’s eavesdropping on Remus and Lily's conversation.

I’m not taking advantage of that, marlene. I wanted him to want me to come back if I ever moved in again.”

He mumbles the last part. He feels silly, having the stupid dream of moving back in with Remus, ever. Especially not after what just happened. He downs the rest of his drink in one, swift motion. Another one is pushed over the counter before he even asks. Remus doesn’t even look up while he does it.

“It’s not like he’ll ever say no to you, Sirius,” Marlene repeats, resting her head on his shoulder.

He wonders why she’s so nice to him. She’s the one who listened to his homophobic rant in the first place. He supposes Marlene will always want him to be happy, but even he doesn’t understand why he said it. He's never felt that kind of resentment for anyone else. He doesn't know what it meant.

Obviously, the person who always knew what he meant didn’t know what he meant because Remus was the one he had been hurting in the first place.
God, he hated himself.