Dark thoughts
POV Sebastian
Valerian was helping Ominis relax after a severe panic attack in the living room while I was instructed to wait in the kitchen.
I thought about disappearing. It would make Ominis’ life easier. Thuth be told, I wanted to fell because I was a coward. I couldn’t face the truth. But I had worked so hard to become a better person and I didn’t want to just throw all my best efforts out the window. I screwed up, and now I had to face the concequences. But I wasn’t very hopeful as far as Ominis was concerned. He’ll never forgive me a second time. He deserved better. I should give him the benefice of the doubt nonetheless.
I sat on the floor by the door that was open enough for me to evesdrop and peak.
I feared what I might hear.
« Ominis, I know this is a lot to take in. But please, try to calm down or you’ll give yourself a heart attack » said Valerian calmly.
« How could I keep calm when Sebastian has gone off the rails again ?!!! » exclaimed Ominis in disorientation on the break of tears.
He was marching back and forth like a mad person.
Valerian grabbed him firmly making him stop his movements and hugged him.
Omins embraced her tightly as he weeped on her shoulder.
He was emotionally devastated.
« Ominis, you’re not thinking straight. You need to calm yourself to see things lucidly. Talk to me » she said affectionately.
She gently guided him on the sofa as she sat on his lap sideways.
She was stroking his hair to ease him a little.
But Ominis remained silent. He probably didn’t even know where to start.
« Ominis. Tell me what emotions you feel right now » she dictated warmly.
Ominis was thinking silently.
« I feel … anger and … fear » he confessed.
« Ok. Why anger ? Explain it to me » she requested.
« I thought he had changed, that he really wanted to be a better person. But he’s just repeating the same mistakes all over again. He always finds a good reason for using dark magic. First it was Anne, now it’s for the good of others. But these are just excuses. I forgave him because I knew how desperate he was to save his sister. And I truly believed he would never use dark magic again. But he did. And he even admitted liking it ! » said Ominis in consternation.
« He didn’t really admit it though» reminded Valerian softly.
« But he didn’t deny it. I always knew he had a darker side, but I just ignored it, refusing to acknowledge it because he’s like a brother to me. I was fooled by his words, and by my affection for him » he revealed.
After all this time, the truth was finally out. He and I both knew this, and we were both in denial. I had tried to conceal it for too long. His confession helped me admit what I couldn’t before. And it pained me profoundly.
« You’re no fool Ominis. We all have a dark side. What matters is making the right choices, and if we don’t then we should try to learn from our mistakes and never repeat them. If what you say is true, perhaps Sebastian needs help. I’m convince it’s not to late so save him » insisted Valerian.
« What if he didn’t want to be saved ? This is the second time he betrayed me. I should have known he couldn’t resist using dark magic again ! » exclaimed Ominis harshley.
And I understood his indignation, though it broke my heart.
« So your anger comes from his betrayal. What about your fear ? » asked Valerian.
« Something inside of me has been trying to warn me for such a long time. But I kept repressing this feeling. I know deep down the truth, and I’m terrified of it » revealed Ominis tragically.
« What truth is that ? » demanded Valerian looking glum.
« That he’s a dark wizard in the making » uttered Ominis doleful.
My heart was crushed. Was he right ? Was I fated to follow that path ? If my best friend didn’t even believe in me, how could I believe in myself ? If this is the way he saw me, then I was doomed. This familiar pain in my chest was making it hard for me to breathe,
my breath came in short, ragged gasps between sobbs as sorrow pulsed through my veins. I was devastated. I laid on the floor, my body curled up in despair. I cried all the tears I possibly could as my body quivered in despair.
« Do you really believe that ? » questioned Valerian looking disturbed.
« I … don’t know what to believe anymore. The facts are there, right under our noses. Yet I keep looking the other away. Marvolo’s right. My emotions make me weaker » told Ominis emotional.
« He is absolutely wrong. Your emotions are what define you, and make you the opposite of what your family represents. They are what make you unique and wonderful. So never doubt them ! » said Valerian boldly.
« You’re so remarkable Valerian. But I believe emotions is like a double eged sword, they can be used for either good or bad. We choose our own path, Our values and actions , they define who we are. And Sebastian’s actions point to darkness » declared Ominis heavily.
« But they also point to a brighter future. You know, it takes longer for some to learn, they might repeat their mistakes several times before they finally learn their lesson. Sebastian also shows signs of goodness in him, like when he let us the house so we could takl things through, or staying by my side to keep me safe » pleaded Valerian.
I was astonished by her compassion. She fought for me, despite my despecable actions and letting them both down. She saw the best in everyone, and that was quality was rare. And I realised at that moment she was my only hope.
« I’m not suggesting he’s totally bad. But I’m afraid he’ll just go down hill if he lets himself be clouded by his emotions. He can be so reckless. And then there will be no stopping him. What if he comes after you ? » groanned Ominis fearfully.
He was right. I was a potential threat for others because of my impulsivity and recklessness. But I would never hurt Valerian, EVER. I know how much she means to Ominis, and she means a great deal to me now too. But my story prooved otherwise.
« Ominis, Sebastian wouldn’t hurt me » replied Valerian with such confidence.
« I didn’t think he would kill his own kin, yet he did » reminded Ominis frankly.
His words were like a dagger to my heart. He always believed in me and I let him down over and over again.
« But Sebastian’s relationship with his uncle was complicated. He pushed Sebastian towards madness by not believing in him, and forbidding him from seeing his sister. Isolation is what makes a person feel misunderstood and lonely, therefore increasing their anger and fear » illustrated Valerian with such wiseness.
I felt like she was the one who understood me now as Ominis abandonned all hope for me.
« Maybe he won’t come afer you, but he would do anything to save you from the faceless monster, and that’s what worries me. He never knows when to stop. And he would do anything to get what he wants, getting rid of any inconveniance along the way ! He won’t hesitate to use dark magic if it could save you. He strongly believes the means justify the end » detailed Ominis sincerely.
His description of me was accurate. I would do anything and stop at nothing to save the people I loved. But did that make me a bad person ? I thought of all people Ominis would understand now one would do whatever it took to save the people that we love.
« What if he promised not to use dark magic eveer again ? » she assured.
« Valerian, you’ve only known him for a short while. But he’s made that promise many times over, and each time I placed my faith in him, everytime I have been crushed. Even if he promised it again, I wouldn’t believe him this time. Enough is enough » Said Ominis despondant.
An avalanch of sorrow crashed over me. I had lost his trust.
« I understand. I would like you to feel what it’s like to be in his shoes for a moment. If I were to die, and the only way to save me was by using dark magic, wouldn’t you use it ? » asked Valerian genuinely.
« ... I … » replied Ominis startled.
« I despidse dark magic, you know that. It has hurt me in many ways, it has destroyed Sebasstian’s life and you have suffered from it too. But if it could save your life, I would use it just this one time. Because I can’t live without you Ominis » said Valerian as her eyes were damp.
He looked at her with such devotion, feeling empathic and landed a kiss on her lips.
« You’re right. I know I would have too. And like I said, that’s why I forgave him so many times over, because everything he did was for Anne » explained Ominis.
« Maybe this time, it was for us, to save me, to free you from your family’s grip » said Valerian shedding light on my true intentions.
« That doesn’t mean he can use dark magic at will even if it’s for a good cause. It’s called dark magic for a reason, and I’m afraid he shows all the signs of addiction for it » disclosed Ominis.
« You’ve used dark magic before, on these muggle boys. And you were so apprehensive about it, terrified of my reaction when you admitted it. Do you remember that sentiment ? Well this is probably how Sebastian is feeling right now. That self-loathe and disgust you talked about » expressed Valerian with determination.
« I knew I had a choice, I made the bad one » said Ominis regretful.
« So did Sebastian, twice that is. You’ve made a mistake, that doesn’t make you a bad person Ominis. You’ve done more good then bad. So did Sebastian. He’s your brother Ominis. And family sticks together as one, always and forever » said Valerian lovingly.
She understood the concept of family far better than any of us. This sentiment was new to Ominis as he never felt he belonged with his own, and was a guest along my family, not fully being part of it. This is something he could learn from Valerian.
I could see Ominis reflect on her words.
« What about you ? How do you feel about all this ? » asked Ominis.
« I feel ... sorry for Sebastian. He hasn’t had an easy life. Like you he has no parents to guide him. He was bestowed with great responsability at a young age. He had to watch his sister die slowly and painfully. But he could always count on you, no matter what. And I think that’s what made him stay on the right path up to now, YOU. You’re the only family he has left Ominis. He feels no one could ever care for him because of what he has done, he doesn’t even love himself so how could he possibly build a relationship one day ? But you have kept on caring him Ominis, because you’re a true friend. And that’s what keeps Sebastian going, your generosity, your unconditional love is what will save him. Look how devastated he was to break his promise. At least he was honnest about it, and this time, he chose to not run away and face the concequences, probably for your sake , and hopefully for himself. That means he did learn something from his mistakes » narrated Valerian fiercely.
Her words were soothing my despair. I had stopped crying, but my body felt weak and I could sit up properly.
Ominis looked at her with loving eyes.
« Do you think I should forgive him once more ? » he asked dismally.
« I think you need to take into account all the facts, rest on it and then make a desicion. There’s no point rushing things » said Valerian wisely.
It was clever of her to let Ominis decide for himself, she wouldn’t want to influence his choice.
« Do you forgive him ? » asked Ominis apprehensively.
« It’s not my forgivness he seeks » replied Valerian truthfully.
« I need to know, why are you defending him. » inquired Ominis stunned.
« Because we’re family. He means the world to you, and you know it. Therefore he’s important to me. You and I were raised differently. You were raised to believe that love is pleasing your family no matter what, that your needs come after their own, dissmissing your own feelings for your family’s sake, that love is based on manipulation. And you have seeked their affection for so long as they repeatedly rejected you despecably, humiliated you. However I was raised on a healthy relationship based on trust, respect, honnesty and acceptance. » she described.
« You’re right. But trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three. I don’t know if I can trust him again » admitted Ominis.
My mind went blank. How could I have fallen so low ? Why do I keep getting myself into these situations ?
« I know. But he needs to come to terms with all the aspects within him to truly impove. Embrace the good and the bad. And so do you. This is acceptance. Not admitting he has a darker side won’t help him. He was honnest with you, that’s a good sign. He respects you dearly, otherwise he wouldn’t be there. And trusts you completely. The question is, can you accept him for everything that he is ? Are you always honnest with him ? I know you once respected him and trusted him. Can you do it again ? Will you place your faith in him once more ? Or will you abandon him and let him sink into darkness ? » said Valerian seriously.
She was right, without Ominis, I fear I would lose myself to darkness. He was my anchor.
I heard Ominis sigh.
« I … don’t want to abandon him. But I’m trying to protect us. He may not harm us physically, but he has the power to crush my heart. And if you let him in, you’ll also be heart-broken. I know how hard he has worked for his redemption. But he still has a long way to go » confessed Ominis saddly.
« You’re right. Maybe you should talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel » suggested Valerian.
He just looked in her direction with a smile.
« I sometimes ask myself how did I ever get so lucky to find you ? » he said now relaxed and feeling his love for her.
« Simple, you’ve earned it. You know, that’s what I love most about you, you were raised on toxic love, yet you have chosen to break the cycle of hate, therefore choosing your own path to something better, and that makes you worthy and powerful » reminded Valerian affectionately.
I could only agree with her. That’s why I always admired Ominis so much, and probably was jealous of him, because he found his way out, and I’m still stuck in this cycle of hatred, of darkness.
I peaked through the gap one last time and saw them snogging on the sofa.
I then looked at the cealing, going through their conversation again in my mind, trying to be honnest with myself because I was about to have a proper conversation with my best friend, and I needed to prepare myself. No excuses, just the truth.
It was time I admit my flaws and stop being so fearful.
I then sat on the chair again before Ominis found out I had been evesdropping.
I felt more peaceful thanks to Valerian. I could see my sould more clearly now.
Then I heard the door open. It was Ominis.
He just looked at me with disappointed eyes, and I couldn’t help but feel ashamed once more as I looked down, feeling powerless one more time.
He sat down opposite me, looking tired.
« You stayed » he just said surprised.
« … yes. I’m not going to run away this time. I will accept whatever you have to say to me. I know my actions have jurt you, and I have betrayed your trust, and for that I am truly sorry. You deserve better Ominis, and I’m just a broken person who just keeps making mistakes over again. But I want to change. I want to be better. And you help me be a better person » I said in tears again.
« If that were true, then why did you use an unforgivable curse ? » asked Ominis painfully.
« Because, you weren’t there to stop me. When I cast Impero on Marvolo, I didn’t know what other spell to use. And I thought, Ominis wouldn’t approve, he would have found a way. But I didn’t. Because I’m not as strong as you » I confessed heart-broken.
« I’m sorry I wasn’t there. But I won’t always be there Sebastian. You’ve got to learn the significance of the word boundries » explained Ominis regretful.
« You’re right » I replied woefully.
« So, you admit to have an problem with dark magic ? » asked Ominis severly.
« … I … do, yes » I divulged.
« Why would you ever want to use dark magic ? You know what it does, you knew the concequences of it. So why ? » demanded Ominis in disbelief.
« It … makes you feel powerful, it’s a rush of adrenaline and it’s … exciting I guess. It makes me feel I’m in control, unlike the rest of my life » I answered sorely.
« I see. So that’s why you’re addicted to it. It makes you feel safe, like your in control because in your heart, you are a mess. You loathe yourself and feel powerless because of your guilt. You know, if you could find a way to love yourself again, maybe you wouldn’t feel the need to use dark magic ? » he said wisely.
« I have tried, so hard ! But I don’t know how ! Everthing I attempt is a failure ! I don’t deserve to be happy, nor to love myself, because if I did, I would betray Uncle Solommon » I disclosed.
« Sebastian ,Uncle Solommon wouldn’t want this for you. He was harsh, that’s true, but he only wanted you to stay away from dark magic, because he knew you would become addicted to it, he knew how much more dangerous it was for you. That’s all. So he’d rather you led a happy life rather than sink into darkness. And your hapiness wouldn’t be a betrayal. It would be granting him his last wish. So don’t feel bad about loving yourself, don’t let shame take control of your life. Let it go. This is what Anne would have wanted. You know, we get what we think we deserve. If you don’t think yourself worthy, then no one will think you worthy. If you don’t love yourself, then no one will » he discoursed emotionally.
My heart crumbled to his words. Ominis was right, as usual. I could fell his words were thruthful and were what I needed to hear for so long. This demonstrated he might still believed in me. But I had lost his trust.
« You’re right Ominis. I just don’t know how to achieve that yet. I heard you say to Valerian you thought I was a potential future dark wizard » I stated gloomily.
He made a surprised sound.
« So you were listening. Of couse you were. If you keep using dark magic , that’s what’s going to happen to you. You’ll just become like the rest of my family. And I don’t want that for you ! You’re better than this » he said now ennoyed.
« So you still believe I can change ? » I asked fearful.
My heart was beating rapidly as I held my breath, praying he still had faith in me.
« I don’t believe you can change no » saif Ominis hardly.
His words finished me. I felt this pain in my heart and would have done anything to make it stop. I felt in a daze, an out of body experience. I couldn’t breathe. I felt dizy, nauseous and I swear I could faint.
« Because that would mean ignoring your problem. But I believe you can be better » said Ominis hopeful.
I was suddenly pulled out of my transe, back to reality. And I couldn’t help but sobb in relief. If my best friend believed it was possible, then so would I. I could feel happiness because this unpleasantness had stopped. I still had a chance. And this was the most soothing feeling ever !
« But Sebastian, you have betrayed my trust. I know you will work hard to gain it back, but I need time. I hope you understand this » confessed Ominis sincerely.
« I … do. Ominis ? Thank you » I said grateful.
« Don’t thank me. Thank Valerian’s good heart. She fought for you. But you knew that already since you have been spying on us » he decalred.
I wasn’t sure if he was angry or teasing. So I chose to say nothing.
« There are other things we need to discuss for now. Valerian, can you join us please ? » shouted Ominis.
I dried my tears before she entered the kitchen as she sat down by Ominis’ side, holding his hand. She looked at me with compassion.
« Have you boys talked things through ? » asked Valerian serenely.
« We have. Sebastian knows where I stand for now. I’d rather discuss what happened on your side tonight » said Ominis surprisingly confident.
His words were painful, but true.
« Well, Miss Parkes and I found the paintings that went missing from Hogwarts » announced Valerian.
« So that’s where Black hid them. Were you able to retreave them ? » asked Ominis.
« No, we couldn’t. Because if we did, then the order would have known someone had discovered their whereabouts. But we did talk to Rackham » divuldged Valerian.
« What did he say ? » urged Ominis.
« He said his painting setting couldn’t allow him to narrate the content of the prophecy. But after telling him about you, Ominis, he was confident you could pick up the orb without any concequences, as Riddle is your descendant » expressed Valerian.
« Because you share common blood » I said with a weak voice.
They both stared at me and I felt bad for speaking up. Like a naughty child.
« Yes » added Valerian.
« Did you find anything else ? » demanded Ominis stroking her hand.
« Miss Parkes has placed her spies for further proof. We found a necklace on the floor with a french sentence engraved. It said to my lover. We think it might belong to Lestrange. So that’s more proof which will be examined » explained Valerian.
Haley. She saw in such a state I was, but did she even care ? I felt like the only person I could still count on was Valerian now. She helped me when I was desperate. And Ominis will surely keep his distances from now on and it broke my heart of course, but I couldn’t blame him.
« So we don’t have enough to arrest anyone yet ? » said Ominis downcast.
« No. But it’s a working progress. Soon we’ll have what we need. Now, you have the ring. Maybe you could talk to the minister about it ? » suggested Valerian.
« He’s not the one pulling the strings any longer. My father is. Our priority is to stop him and Marvolo. Sebastian, do you think the forgetting spell worked on my brother ? » he asked firmly.
« I have every reason to believe it did » I replied shyly.
« Good. I suggest tomorrow we go to the hall of prophecy and get some anwers then » he instructed looking at Valerian.
« Alright. But for now, can we go to bed ? I’m exhausted » stated Valerian as she yawned.
« Of course my love. I think we should sleep at school tonight, if that’s ok with you. After all, you’re safe now. » he said gently to her.
« Are you sure ? » sha asked concerned. She knew exactly why Ominis had suggested that.
« I am » he replied determined.
Ominis clearly stated he needed some time, that meant space. Valerian and all other muggle-borns should be safe now that Ominis had the ring. So I guess he didn’t need me anymore.
« Ok then » she replied a bit morose.
« Let me get Nathara first, I’ll be back in a sec » he told her as he kissed her cheek.
Ominis left the kitchen, leaving Valerian and I together.
I felt I should say something, but what ? I could start by thanking her.
« Valerian … thank you for … everything. You have done so much for me tonight. First with Marvolo, then defending my cause to Ominis » I started.
« Sebastian, I won’t try and convince Ominis anymore to forgive you if this isn’t what he wants. He keeps giving you new chances of redemption, and … well I hope this time you will finally learn your lesson, because I don’t want Ominis to keep suffering. And this breaks him a bit more each time. I am giving you one last chance Sebastian to prove to Ominis you are the friend I know you can be » warned Valerian.
I nooded to agree. The tone of her voice suggested she was disappointed in me, which was fair. She was only trying to protect the person she loved most. I’m not sure which was worse, disappointment, or anger. I felt terrible either way.
Ominis came back in with Nathara on his shoulders.
« Ready ? » he asked her.
« Yes. I am. Let’s go » she replied taking his hand.
She looked at me with sad eyes first.
« Good night » said Valerian making things less akward.
« Good night » I replied sorrowful.
Ominis didn’t say anything. And then they both disappeared, leaving me alone in my house.
I just sat there, alone for a while, not knowing what to do. I felt drained of all energy, feeling pathetic.
I wanted to cry, but I had no more tears left to shed.
I would have to work hard once more to regain his trust. But would I be able to resist dark magic if Ominis wouldn’t even talk to me anymore ? I had to try though, and I would.
But for now, I was far too upset to think straight. So I poured myself a drink, and another, and one more and with each sip, I could feel my muscles relax and my mind forget until I passed out on the table.
____________________________________________________________________
The next day, I woke up confused. I didn’t know where I was, and for a fraction of a second, I forgot what had happened yesterday and forgot all about my guilt. But it came rushing back as soon as I remembered why I was in the kitchen and not in my bed.
When I looked outside, I saw the sun had been up for a while. It was about midday I reckon.
Did Ominis and Valerian stop by to see how I was doing ? I doubted it. Ominis wanted to keep his distances for now.
I suddenly recalled we talked about going to the hall of preophecy today. This was a good excuse to see Ominis again. Today was our last day of holiday, tomorrow we would be going back to school. And I’d have to watch Ominis and Valerian from a distance and keep avoiding them. So I wasn’t looking foward to it.
I had waited hours for them to come and get me. But no one showed up. I tried reading a book to pass the time, but couldn’t concentrate. I kept thinking about how I screwed up yesterday. That’s all I could think about. Just like when I killed my uncle. I just wanted to forget, even for just a moment. And I knew a way how.
But before I could move, I heard a familiar voice. It was Haley.
« Are you there Sebastian ? » she shouted.
« In the living room » I replied surprised to see her.
She probably wanted some answers about yesterday.
« Hey. How are you ? » she asked calmly.
I just stared at her, probably looking awful and pitiful. Then I turned my head to face the fire, unable to answer her question. Becasue I wasn’t ok. I was in despair, longing for these feelings to stop.
She then sat by my side on the sofa.
« What happened yesterday ? » she demanded detached.
« … Nothing. I panicked. Marvolo just got inside my head and manipulated me to his will. And I knew Valerian could help me. That’s all » I expalined leaving almost everything out.
« That’s it ? You were in such a state yesterday, and you want me to believe that’s all ? » she said sceptical.
« Why ? Do you even care ? » I said harshly.
It wasn’t fair of me to speak to her that way. But I was full of rage and hopelessness, desperate for attention that I knew she wouldn’t give me.
« Sebastian … I worry you might be too unstable at the moment for personal reasons, and I’m afraid you might compromise my case. I came to ask you to look after yourself, and to withdraw for now » she declared sincerely.
« You want me to back off ? But these are my friends we’re talking about ! » I shouted astonished.
« Now that Ominis has the ring, people are safe for the time being, so is Miss. Matthews » she reminded.
« So you spoke to him then ? And does he also think I should back off ? » I inquired roughly feeling my anger escalate.
« We only want you to feel better. He’s trying to look out for you » she replied smoothly.
« By casting me aside ? He just wants me out of the way, so he won’t have to deal with me, that’s all » I shouted in distress.
« What happened ? I thought you two were friends ? » asked Haley astonished.
« I’ve … messed up as usual, and Ominis needs to keep his distance for now » I just said morose.
« I’m sorry. Sebastian, I can see you’re emotionally fragile right now. That’s why I think we should put an end to our little adventures. I can feel you are needing more than I can offer you. Best to stop now before you get hurt. I’m truly sorry » she confessed.
First Ominis, now Haley. I felt everyone was abandoning me, like I was some sort of plague everyone had to stay away from. But she was right though, I did feel the need for more, not necessarely with her, but I have been longing deep down for a true relationship like Ominis’ and Valerian’s.
« Take care of yourself Sebastian » she said with more compassion before she disappeared.
So that’s it ? She just came and went like the wind.
I got dumpted by everyone in less than 24H. What the hell ? Am I that evil ?
I felt a mixed feeling of rage and sorrow. My eyes were wet as I knew I would weep in a matter of seconds. I couldn’t take this any longer. I felt so hopeless again. How I loathed myself. Then I thought of Anne. How I missed my dear sister. She would have probably sided with Ominis and Valerian anyway. I’m just a lost cause.
I was now sobbing piteously as I scearmed in fury.
I just wanted all these overwhelming emotions to stop. I would do anything to make them stop ! I rushed to the kitchen, pouring myself a drink, and the first drop was heavenly.
I took my drink and the bottle of whisky outside as I sat by Anne’s grave.
And I just kept pouring myself drinks after drinks until the bottle was empty, telling her everything about my miserable worthless life, how left behind I felt, the growing need to be reunited with her and our parents, even Uncle Solomon.
I was speaking out loud and I probably sounded like a mad man.
After a few hours, I had trouble getting up, feeling dizzee and drunk as a skunk as I entered my house, bumping into every furniture on the way to my room, then I crashed onto my bed and fell asleep.
__________________________________________________________________
The next day, when I woke up, I had such a headache. It took me a while to figure out where I was, and what day it was.
I had completely forgotten today was a school day. The sun was up, I believe I had missed my morning lessons. Crap.
I had a shower and then got dressed quickly. Then I rushed to the kitchen, trying to find a bite to eat. That’s when I realised I hadn’t eaten yesterday at all, and there was nothing left in the cupboard nor the fridge. I should have had lunch at school, but I knew I would bump into Ominis and Valerian, and they probably wouldn’t want me to join them. I thought should spare myself the akwardness and questions by remaining here. I just waited for the time to pass, sitting in the kitchen motionless. Then when the time had come, I grabbed my books and apparated at school in the living room.
My head was aching with every movement I made.
I then marched to our concealment and disguise class. When I entered the room, the first thing I saw was Ominis and Valerian talking to Edmund and Cassandra. They were not sitting yet and were gathered in a circle and they were laughing away.
That’s when my heart stopped. Firstmy, they were both hapy without me, secondly, I couldnt face their disappointed stares once they would set their eyes on me.
Fortunately, I noticed Samuel was sitting alone, waiting for the lesson to start. And as I walked past them, I could feel them staring at me, so I rushed to Samuel’s side, taking a seat next to him, keeping my head down.
« Wow, man you’re alright ? You look dreadful ! » announced Samuel concerned.
I didn’t have the energy to reply. I just put my books down on the table.
Benjamin and Becca took a seat behing us.
« Partying all night have we Sebastian ? » he joked.
I just turned around, gave him a dark raging look, and for the first time, I saw Benjamin’s face alarmed. He dared not speak another word to me.
Professor Herod asked us to take our seats as the lesson would begin, so I turned around, now facing the blackboard.
He went on and on about Merlin knows what. I just rested my face in my hand as I slouched on my seat, wondering what I was even doing here. What was the point ? Ominis said he believed I could be better, but that’s until I srewed up again , and then he’ll just despise me forever. So we would never become the legendary Sebminis team.
The lesson seemed to last an eternity. I didn’t dare look to my right side, where THEY were both sitting.
When the lesson was over, everyone stood up to head to the next class. I just sat there motionless, not even realising the lesson was over.
« Sebastian, are you coming ? » asked Samuel worried.
That’s when I came back to the land of the living. I just nodded as if I didn’t care. But I did stand up and walked aimlessly to our Defense against the dark art class. Ominis and Valerian had already gone, luckily for me.
We were now on the duelling field as the Professor was going on about something. I just hid in a corner, resting against a wall for a minute.
« M.Sallow ? Are you listening ? » demanded Professor Radagor.
Her voice was faint, like a million years away.
I came back to reality quickly.
« Yes professor » I said fakely with a pinch of sassyness.
« Then what are you waiting for ? » she declared.
As I had not been paying attention, I had no clue what she was going on about.
I saw Samuel moving his fingers indicating me I should go on the field.
The professor must want me to duel someone today. But I truly didn’t desire fighting, not today and not any other day. I was afraid I couldn’t contain my rage and hurt someone.
So I took position lingering, as the Professor chose my opponent.
« M.Gaunt will be perfect » she declared.
Merlin no. Anyone but him, please !
Ominis clearly didn’t want this either. But I guess he had no choice. He placed himself on the field, opposite me.
« I would like you to try and use silent spells today, see what you can manage » required the Professor.
I had no intention of fighting Ominis. That wouldn’t help our situation.I was afraid to lose control again, especially in my fragile state of mind.
« Now, please start » stated the professor.
Ominis raised his wand, and I just held mine in my hand that was placed along my thigh, unwilling to raise mine.
I didn’t even flinch when Ominis cast his first spell that hit me right in my chest causing me to fall on my back.
« What are you waiting for M.Sallow ? This is a duel, not a playground » shouted the professor.
I could see Ominis’ face looking suspiciously at me.
I sighed loudly as I stood up, still refusing to raise my wand. Of all people, I didn’t want to hurt him. I knew my overwhelming emotions were dangerous, for everyone here as I was too impulsive. I was even more nervous that I would cast a forbidden spell unwillingly, just like I did with Marvolo and the terrifying green light on the tip of my wand, because I was now hearing these same voices in my head, telling me to just lash out my anger, how pathetic and unworthy I was, the word betrayal kept coming back.
And while I was overthinking, Ominis hit me with another spell. And this time I went flying and landed badly on my left hand as I heard a cacking sound. I believe it was broken. I embraced the pain so easily I wasn’t even troubled by it. I could hear the others sigh in fright.
The professor rushed to my side, as did Samuel, helping me up.
« Is it broken ? » asked the professor concerned.
« Probably » I just replied with a monotone unbothered voice.
« Of course it is ! Look at his wrist, it’s all crooked and swolen ! » shouted Samuel perturbed.
When I looked at it, my wrist was swollen and a bone was coming out of my skin. Yep definitely broken.
« Samuel, take him to the medical unit please » inquired Professor Radagor distressed.
« Yes Professor » replied Samuel as he pushed me gently to get going.
Samuel escorted me to the nurses office, as I walked like a zombie.
When the nurse saw my wrist, she immediately rushed to me and started touching my hand, feeling the broken bones and sighed in horror when she saw the bone coming out of my wrist.
« Your hand and wrist are broken. Lie on that bed, I’ll take care of it. Are you in pain M.Sallow ? » demanded the nurse.
« No » I replied unconcerned.
« Are you sure ? This should be in aginy right now ! » she exclaimed.
I just raised both of my shoulders as I couldn’t care less.
The nurse looked at me in an odd way, examining me from head to toe.
« Will he be alright ? » asked Samuel worried.
« He’ll be fine, but I can’t make miracles. He’ll wear bandages for a few days while the potion takes effects. You can go now. I’ll take it from here » she explained.
« Ok. I’ll come by later » said Samuel kindly.
But I was like in a transe, my body was there, but my soul was gone.
I just looked down, feeling exhausted.
The nurse used a spell of ice to soothe my swolen wrist and hand, then used another spell to replace my bones in the correct places, but I wasn’t fixed yet she said, as my bones had shattered in little pieces, I would need time to heal. Then later she came back to place the bandages around it. I then sat on the side of my bed, just staring at the wall, like a crazy person, lifeless.
I had to stay a little while longer, as the nurse had to make sure the potion was fonctioning.
That’s when I heard a familiar voice behind me.
« Sebastian, how are you doing ? » asked an angelic voice.
I turned around glancing at her, then turned back facing the wall once more, unable to speak. I felt nothing looking at her, unlike before I would have been overjoyed to see her. Not that I was angry with her, I just didn’t care anymore.
She then sat by my side on the bed, looking glum.
« You know I can’t see, please talk to me, how bad is it ? » she insisted worried.
« It’s nothing » I just replied with a faded voice.
« Are you saying that so I won’t worry ? » she demanded fearfully.
« No » I just replied dull.
I was still facing the wall, unable to look at her, because if I did, I would see my own reflection in her eyes, the pitiful Sebastian, who wrecks everything he touches, who betrays his friends and who is now pathetically useless.
« Sebastian, why didn’t you fight back ? Or at least use Protego ? » she querried.
« You shouldn’t be there. Ominis wouldn’t like that » I confessed dispassionate.
« Ominis was worried about you, and so was I. He was the one who asked me to come and see you » said Valerian emotionally.
« uhm » I replied reserved.
Of couse she came, and he didn’t. He wanted nothing to do with me now.
That’s why he didn’t come for me yesterday, and wasn’t here now.
They all wanted me OUT of the case because I was to unpredictable, too dangerous, driven my my emotions.
Thinking about me fueled that burning rage inside of me.
« You should go » I warned feeling my anger escalating.
« Sebastian, I know this is hard for you, but hang in there, Ominis will come around soon enough. He just needs more time to think things through. Don’t lose hope » she said with her sweet voice.
But that’s the thing, I had already lost all hope. It was too late for me. I was tired of trying, of fighting, all this for what ? I had no friends left because I betrayed them all, no sister, no family. So, what was the point ?
Valerian was looking for my hand, and when she reached it, I pulled it away. I didn’t want her pity.
She then looked at me one last time, feeling sorry for me as she rose up.
« You’ll be fine, Sebastian. Don’t despair » she added before she left.
I felt the need to smash something, that rage was like a fire burning brighter every second of every day.
My heart was pounding as my eyes were swollen, tears building up.
I didn’t even wait for the nurse to clear me as I apparated back home.
Another awful day on this planet I thought to myself.
I immediately poured myself a drink to forget all about that dreadful day. What I loved so much about drinking is that my guilt and wrath stopped eating me from the inside out just for a few hours. And that soothed me. So I drank many other glasses until I passed out on the sofa.
The next days were pretty much the same, I woke up with a hangover, I attended classes aimlessly, hid for lunch as I could see others looking at me pitifully, and then came back home to forget the day by drowning my sorrows.
Ominis hadn’t even adressed one word to me in days. He spent all his time with his new friends and Valerian. And I was old news.
Everyday was worse that the one before. And I was growing tired of all this, of my life, if one could call that a life.
I remember when I felt something similar before, but I had something to go on with, my search for a cure for Anne. It drove me, gave me a purpose, but now I had none.
Now I was all alone. I didn’t feel I was living, but surviving. And how I wished to see my sister again, so she could kick my ass. I would do anything to spend some time with her one more time.
But she was dead. And so was a part of my soul, probably with her in the afterlife. And I wished the rest of my broken soul could join her as I longed for her.
That’s when I realised I could grant my own wish. How easy it would be. I could finally find peace along side my sister, my parents and my uncle. I could finally see them again.
It’s not like I would be missed anyway. Maybe by Valerian a little, but she would soon forget about me as she will start her new life happily along side Ominis. And He wouldn’t have to go through all that trouble of keeping my secret anymore, he could dismiss his fake fiancé and marry the love of his life. And everyone would be happy and get what they want. Maybe this was the solution after all. I would finally be reunited with my family.