it'll all work out

It’s been a week since James has talked to Sirius.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to text him, it’s all he’s been longing for recently. He’s just not sure how. He’s never had trouble texting him before, or talking to him for that matter, it’s as easy as breathing. He sees a stupid video and Sirius is sent it immediately no thoughts necessary. He hears someone say something stupid in public and he’s on his phone texting Sirius all the details on it. He needs advice he goes to Sirius. He’s bored he goes to Sirius. He’s none of the above and just wants to talk to someone Sirius is the first person he goes to.  He’s not sure what’s so wrong about him now, why he can’t seem to reach out. He could easily text him and get this whole thing over with. He’s good at pretending nothing ever happened, it’s what he's stuffed in a little box in his liver. He never removes it unless he has to, and only when he’s alone, or at least that’s how it used to go. Now it’s spreading all over his chest, he can’t breathe without feeling it everywhere.

He used to be able to get through an afternoon without his head falling between his knees. He used to be able to do daily tasks no one ever thinks about without putting himself in a panic that ends him up on the bathroom floor, reaching for something that’s been taken from him. He wants to be better, he’s been waiting for it, he’s just not sure he’ll ever reach it. He can’t even see it over the hill, the mountain that’s sitting in his way. He doesn’t need to be better he just needs to be fine enough for this to work. His life is just a ticking time bomb at this point. He’s just waiting for it to run out.

He hates that he thinks like this. He never wanted to. He doesn’t want to spend his days begging for the clean swipe of a blade, or the release a few extra pills would give him. He doesn’t want to spend all his time looking for a way out. He wants to be able to text Sirius without being terrified that he hates him. He wants to be able to lay in bed with Regulus at night without wondering how many of those nights he has left in him. He wants to be happy. He’s not sure why it’s so hard for him. It didn’t used to be, or maybe it’s always been. It’s hard to tell looking back now. He thinks he’s always been like this. In the back of his head anyway. It’s an everlasting melancholia creating branches down his skin. He’s not sure how anyone puts up with it if he’s being honest, he can barely put up with himself and he’s forced to. He has to live every day in his body. There’s nothing he can do to escape it… well, there is something. He knows he shouldn’t obsess over it too long, nothing good ever comes from it, and he’s just gotten his chest to stop hurting this morning he shouldn’t mess with it again.

“James?” Regulus calls out, “You okay?”

James blinks knocking himself back into his body. He’s in the shower, the water’s already gone cold. He had to leave the door open. He always has to leave the door open. “Yeah,” he says. “I’ll be done in a second.”

He hears Regulus’ footsteps retreat further into the apartment leaving him be. He tilts his head back into the water, letting it wash over him, thinking maybe it’ll turn all the scars into a simple memory. It brings shivers down his skin but he doesn’t step away, he lets it sink over him. He wants to be able to shower without Regulus worrying about how long he’s taking. He wants to be able to keep the door closed without Regulus thinking he found a pill bottle he neglected to put away. He doesn’t want to do this anymore. He’s still a danger to himself, he knows that. If given the option he would do everything Regulus is afraid he will. He can’t trust himself, but he’s tired of not being trusted. If he could fix his brain he would. Pulling away from the water he glances down at his arm. The scars are still healing, leaving them red. He knows he did badly. He knows he restarted the clock he keeps in his head. He was doing good for so long. He’d never forgotten how badly he wanted to. It was always in the back of his head. A tick he couldn’t quite figure out how to get rid of, but he kept up with the pattern. Now it’s all messed up and none of it matters. It’s only been two days. That’s nothing. If he could find a razor he could bleed again. It wouldn’t ruin anything. He could touch a semblance of relief and it wouldn’t matter. None of it does, but he’s already been in here far too long and once he starts he’ll get carried away. He couldn’t reach anything from in here anyway. He shuts off the water.

He dries off and gets changed as quickly as he can, trying to avoid the mirror the best he can. He puts his sweater on as soon as he can, shying away from the scars on his arm. He’s normally better about it when he’s at home. He can ignore that they’re there, but recently he can’t stand the sight of it. He was supposed to be better than this. Honestly, he didn’t think he’d be around long enough to care. He didn’t think he’d have to see them every day. He thought he’d manage to do one thing right by now, but he’s still here. Counting his breaths hoping one of them would finally be his last one. Feeling his heart catch in his throat and praying it’s a sign of its upcoming failure. None of this matters. He’s done anyway.

He finds Regulus in the living room, on his computer going over something for work. He’s technically still on vacation, but he’s never been great at taking time off. There’s always something that needs to be done. James should probably start his own work. It’s piling up again, he didn’t make that much progress the last time he tried, but he’s tired, and it’s all seeming more pointless the longer he puts it off. It doesn’t matter anyway. They have the money, he doesn’t have to work ever again if he doesn’t want to. He can spend all his time rotting away, and lying in bed for days because no one really cares if he gets up and does something with his life. He sits next to Regulus, refusing to even look at his desk.

Regulus immediately moves closer to him as soon as he sits down, brushing their shoulders against each other. There are times when he’s more clingy, normally when James is worse off. Not that Regulus isn’t near him all the time, he just likes having his space sometimes, but when James is stuck in his head he’s closer. Practically on top of him. James doesn’t mind, he feels a little guilty for it, but he doesn’t mind. He rests his head on Regulus’ shoulder, letting him get what he wants.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Regulus murmurs, slowing his typing. James isn’t exactly sure what he’s working on, all the words are blurry when he tries to look at them. He can’t seem to focus right now.

He hums, “Not really.” He’s hardly done anything besides a little work, but even that was nothing. He knows he should try to text Sirius. He’s been meaning to since the last time they spoke. The longer he waits the worse he feels about it. He just doesn’t know why Sirius hasn’t said anything yet. He’s never gone this long without texting him, even if it’s nothing he still texts him. Now it’s silence. Regulus says Sirius is okay, or at least he’s fine enough that he hasn’t gone back over there. If that’s true James has no idea why Sirius isn’t texting him. Why he isn’t reaching out? James knows he’s a hypocrite, he’s not saying anything either he’s just not sure what to say. He’s afraid after everything Sirius hates him. Somehow everything got lost in translation. He showed too much and now Sirius wants nothing to do with him. He was never meant to break down in front of him. There are certain things Sirius was never supposed to see, and that’s included. It’s not that James doesn’t trust Sirius with this. It’s not that he thinks he would react badly to it. He doesn’t think he could hate him for it. It’s not his fault, or at least that’s what Regulus says anyway. If that’s all true why isn’t he texting him right now? If Sirius doesn’t hate him why doesn’t he say something?

“I just wanted to finish up this one thing,” Regulus says. “Then I’ll do something with you if you want.”

“You can keep working if you want,” James mumbles. “I can try to get something done.” He’s sure he won’t be successful in it. He can’t focus on anything, and his mind is still all messed up. Everything is fuzzy for some reason, he’s just waiting for it to go away, there’s nothing he can do to fix it, or at least he’s not sure what the solution would be.

“Are you sure?” 

James nods, getting up to grab his own computer from across the room, “I should probably start doing something anyway.” It’s true. He should. He has a few deadlines coming up, and he’s falling behind on everything. He likes to have a plan. He likes being ahead. He plans for things like this. He hates that he needs to but it’s just his life. He knows how his mind works and he knows he’ll be out of service for sometimes weeks at a time, he has a system. It’s just been so much lately, that he’s starting to run down the clock. Things are coming up, and he was supposed to get some of these photos done and edited days ago. Thankfully he doesn’t have any appointments coming up, he was smart enough not to book them when he started to feel this whole thing coming on.

He joins Regulus back on the couch, sitting at the opposite end to pull his feet up on the cushions. He tugs a blanket around himself before he opens his latest project. The pictures stare back at him. Happy faces smiling down at him, taunting him with everything he’ll never be able to get. Sure, he has photos like this hanging up everywhere. He is happy. Sometimes anyway. It’s not like this all the time, but that’s the problem isn’t it? No matter where he is in his life his mind will twist against him again. He’ll never be able to settle his anxious heart. He’ll be rotting away for the rest of his life, and he just needs to be able to cope with it. He just hates that he has to drag Regulus down with him. He would try to let him go but he’s too afraid to go through it on his own. It’s selfish of him, but he can’t help it. He’s afraid if he truly lets go and forces himself to be alone he’ll destroy himself. Yes, he wants to die but it’s different. He’s not sure how. He doesn’t want to lose control, even if it doesn’t matter if he does. It’s all too complicated. He hates getting stuck on it.

He spends too much time staring at his screen, but no matter how long he does nothing changes. He moves his cursor around pretending to do something productive. Slipping glances over at Regulus when he’s not looking, not that he’s paying attention to him. Far too sucked into work to even realize what’s happening around him. James could get him out of it easily, especially now, but he settles instead, pulling out his phone from his pocket. His hand shakes as his thumb reaches over to messages. Before he knows it he’s staring at his chat with Sirius. His chest hurts. He knows he should say something. He wants to talk to Sirius. Nothing has ever stopped him before. He would’ve felt stupid about it, he does too, it’s Sirius. There is no reason for him to be nervous about it, or anxious that things will go wrong. It’s Sirius… but what if he hates him now? It’s been too long. He should’ve reached out sooner, James knows Sirius was having a rough time and he didn’t do anything. He’s ignored him. What if Sirius was just waiting for James to reach out first? What if he’s not waiting anymore? They’ve been friends for so long, this is stupid, and James knows it. He knows he’s being irrational, but there’s still that little thought in the back of his head. He’s not sure what he’d do with his life without Sirius. They’ve known each other for so long. No matter what happened before they’ve always made it through, and if Sirius hates James now, what will he do? What will his life become if he doesn’t have Sirius with him?

He just needs to text him. It’ll be fixed if he does. He’s not sure what’s stopping him. This is stupid. Sparing another glance at Regulus he thinks of asking him, but he would lie. Regulus would never tell James Sirius hated him even if it was true. Not now. Not when he’s like this. When he could very easily grab the keys to the car from the table by the front door and never be seen again. He looks back at his phone. He just needs to do it. He can’t wait anymore. Without thought he types something up and clicks send, and then promptly tosses his phone on the coffee table face down.

The noise breaks Regulus out of his focus, “You okay?” He asks slowly.

James hums, sinking in the cushions, randomly moving around his cursor pretending as if he’s been doing it the entire time. Regulus sees right through him, he always does. 

“James,” he pushes.

“It’s nothing,” James mumbles, swallowing back the feeling in his throat. What if he hates him? What if he ruined it all? What if he never wants to speak to him again? What if he opens his phone to find Sirius texted him that he’s over him and his rushing emotions? What if he opens his phone and finds nothing at all? What if? What if? What if?

Worry flickers across Regulus’ face, he doesn’t look away, but he doesn’t ask again either. He pushes when he thinks he has to. When it’s really necessary. Most of the time he just lets James come to him about it, and he does. James isn’t really good at hiding his emotions from him. He’s not sure why that is. When it comes to everyone else it’s as easy as breathing, but Regulus has gotten in his chest somehow. They’re on in the same. It’s hard to lie when they share a set of lungs, but James can try.

He keeps his eyes on his computer, clicking through tabs with no real reason. He knows he won’t get any work done, not with this weight on his chest. He wants to reach out and check his phone, but he doesn’t want to find nothing, and he doesn’t want to find something. Everything is changing now. Sirius saw James in the bathroom. He sat on the other side begging him to let him in and James did nothing. Sirius knows something is wrong with James. Maybe he doesn’t know what it is but it’s something. Sirius was never supposed to know. It’s not about trust. James trusts him more than anything. He’s not afraid of how he’d react, he just wants to be good for him. He always wants to be better. Sirius deserves so much more than whatever James is, and now that barrier is broken. He’s not sure what to do with it. He’s not sure how to fix it. He thinks it’s broken now. He thinks it’s his fault too. He knows he needed to go over there, and if he had the option to do it over again he would in a heartbeat. Nothing could keep him away, but he could’ve kept himself okay. He could’ve tried harder. He could’ve stayed off the bathroom floor in the first place. He never wanted any of this to happen.

“Jamie?” Regulus murmurs.

James feels it in his throat. “What?”

“You’re shaking,” Regulus says, putting his computer aside quickly.

James shakes his head, “No, I’m fine.” He bites the inside of his cheek, “I’m just trying to get some work done.”

“Can you talk to me?” Regulus tries to keep his voice steady but James can hear the strain. He’s nervous. James doesn’t like it.

James keeps his eyes on his screen, before exhaling carefully, “I texted Sirius.”

“Oh,” Regulus says, he wasn’t expecting it. “That’s good then.”

James hums quickly, “Yeah, good.”

“He misses you.”

If Sirius really hated James would he tell Regulus? Would he show it? Would Regulus even know? Could he know?

“What’s wrong?” Regulus asks.

“What if he hates me?” The words echo in his head, he’s not even certain he’s asked them at all until Regulus replies. It seems so foreign slipping from his lips. 

“He doesn’t,” Regulus says without hesitation.

“But—“

“Why would he hate you?” Regulus asks.

It’s a fairly long list. One James knows he can’t fully get into now. Regulus would just shut him down, so he shakes his head, “Nothing,” he mumbles, “Forget I said anything.”

“James…”

He grabs his phone from the table quickly before he can think about it. “Everything’s fine,” his voice strains as he flips it over. He responded. James feels it in his chest. He can’t see what he said yet, but he knows he’s responded.

“Sirius loves you,” Regulus tells him. “It doesn’t matter how you are.”

“Yeah,” James replies distantly.

Regulus gets up to pull James’ computer away from him. James watches as he closes it and puts it down on the table. “His love isn’t conditional,” Regulus sits beside him. “He’ll understand.”

James sighs, deep down he knows. He knows Sirius will be there for James no matter how he is. Their relationship is strong enough to get through anything, but there’s still that little thought in his head. It’s no fault to Sirius. He’s done nothing wrong. James just doesn’t want to be too much. He doesn’t want to feel like work. “He’s never seen me like that before.”

“It doesn’t change anything,” Regulus promises. “You’re still James and Sirius.”

“Yeah,” James sinks into the couch, tapping nervously on the edge of his phone. He should open it. He needs to open it.

“You should invite him over,” Regulus suggests. “It’ll be easier than texting.”

James doesn’t like being talked through this. He doesn’t like that he needs to be talked through this. It’s his best friend he should know how to talk to him. It should be as easy as breathing it’s how it used to be, it’s how it should be. There’s never been anything off with them. Even with all the years they’ve known each other they’ve never really had fights. They didn’t go long times without talking, and if they did it wasn’t like this. It was accidental. It wasn’t even noticed really. Neither of them was holding themselves back from saying what they really wanted to say, life just got in the way a bit. They always came back the same way the next time they saw each other. It’s as if nothing changed. Then James had to show Sirius one of his bad nights. Sirius didn’t even see it, not really, he saw parts of it, and yet it’s not enough. James still wants to shield him from it.

That’s all this really is. He wants to protect him. If James can be good and helpful why would he want to be anything else? He can be there for Sirius and everything else can just be fine. He can do it. He’s done it before. He doesn’t need to do all of this, but now Sirius has seen it. He knows he’s been hiding. He knows there’s something wrong buried underneath his chest. Sirius has seen it. If James knows him at all he knows he won’t let this go. He won’t go along with it and pretend everything is fine with him just because James is acting like it. Even if he does in the moment he’ll still think about it, he’ll still worry. That’s what James is trying to prevent that’s why he’s doing all of this. He doesn’t want Sirius to worry. There’s nothing to worry about, James is fine. James can be fine. He’ll either keep going like this or he’ll die and there really won’t be anything to worry about then.

“Maybe,” James mumbles. “It’s fine.”

“It’ll be harder the longer you wait,” Regulus says.

“It shouldn’t be hard at all,” James tells him. “This is stupid.”

“I don’t think it’s stupid,” Regulus murmurs.

“I’ll just text him,” James brushes it off. “It’s fine, go back to work.”

Regulus sighs, kissing the top of his head, “Alright, if you need my help I’ll—“

“I don’t need your help with this,” James says quickly cutting him off. “This is easy.”
Regulus doesn’t believe him. He’s bad at hiding it, but he doesn’t argue with him, slipping back to his side of the couch and pulling his computer on his lap. He doesn’t look over no matter how badly James can tell he wants to.  He wants to be different. He wants to stop ruining these things but he doesn’t know how. He’s not sure of what to say. He can’t do this. He looks back at his phone. Sirius already responded. Right after James sent the original text. James is such an asshole.

[James]: Hi

[Sirius]: Hi

[James]: I’m sorry I didn’t check in after that night I wanted to

Sirius wastes no time before replying. James feels sick.

[Sirius]: It’s okay

[Sirius]: I’m okay

[James]: If I can do anything now I will

[Sirius]: You don’t have to do anything it’s okay

[Sirius]: Are you okay?

[James]: Yeah why wouldn’t I be?

[Sirius]: I’m just making sure

James feels it in his throat. It tears through his flesh, he’s not sure what to do with it. He shouldn’t hide, but it’s all he knows how to do. He’s been hiding so long looking at the sun feels strange. He’s gotten used to his chest constantly hurting from the wall he puts up around him, it’s really no trouble. Not anymore. When he was younger it was harder for him. He wasn’t that good at it yet. He’d sit in his bed with the curtains drawn biting his hand to muffle his whining. He was either fully on or fully off there wasn’t really an in-between. He’d show his emotions on his sleeve. If he was upset everyone would know it. They’d console him and tell him everything was fine even with the guilt that climbed his chest. Sometimes he could control it better, but by that, he means completely shut down. He wouldn’t really think. He wouldn’t talk. He’d barely breathe. All his friends would talk and he’d listen, of course, he’d know everything they were saying but the longer he went without talking the harder it got to get started again. He was there but it didn’t really feel like he was. He was alive, but it didn’t feel like he ever was. It’s not like that anymore. It’s better. So it’s fine. When he pretends now he’s still there at least. He’s still feeling something. It’s just the hot grasp of an iron against his chest instead of being numb. He’s not sure which is worse. It’s not like it matters anyway there’s no alternative.

No one gets this though. That’s the problem. Once they find out he’s been hiding, they’re left feeling disappointed. They’re upset and James feels like an asshole again. All he wants to do is help and if he can make it easier by being fine that’s what he’ll do. Nothing else matters. He knows Sirius won’t like it, but maybe if he pretends long enough Sirius will forget he was ever bad in the first place. He’ll write off that one night as a dream of sorts. An illusion led on by a lack of sleep. That’s all it was. James can do it. He’s done it before. He’ll be better. He’ll be so much better that it would be crazy to even consider that he’s falling off the deep end. That’s what he’ll do.

[James]: Do you wanna come over?

[Sirius]: Now?

[James]: Yeah I’m not doing anything

[Sirius]: Yeah okay

[Sirius]: See you in ten minutes

He’ll be better. He takes a breath setting his phone back down on the coffee table. He’s done this before. He’ll force the clock to reset if he really has to. He can control himself if he really tries to. He doesn’t need to be like this anymore. He can be fine for Sirius.

“He’s coming over,” James says.

“That’s good!” Regulus tells him, “I’ll head off to the room,” he gets up without question. “Leave you two be.”

“You don’t have to go,” James says.

“Do you want me to stay?” Regulus hesitates. “I just thought you hadn’t seen each other in a while. I can stay if you want me to.”

They don’t need supervision. James doesn’t need someone to hold his hand through it. He doesn’t like that that’s what this has come down to. He can do this on his own. He shouldn’t need help, he won’t take it. “No, it’s okay,” James reassures him. “I just thought you’d want to see him too.”

“I’ll see him before he leaves,” Regulus says. “I’m close to finishing with work anyway, I just wanna get it done.”

James can appreciate Regulus trying to find some kind of normalcy in all of this. Even if James sees right through him, it’s nice. To pretend. “Aren't you supposed to be on break?”

Regulus scoffs brushing it off, “Just this one last thing I promise.”

“Alright fine,” James says. “But after—“

“I’m all yours,” Regulus finishes for him. “As long as Sirius doesn’t get to you first.”

James can feel himself falling back on it. The gentle act of pretending. It’s not always that it burns like fire in his lungs. Sometimes it’s like this. It’s so easy it’s almost like he really is fine. Doesn’t last long enough for him to actually convince himself, but he can convince other people just fine. As long as he doesn’t trip up and knock himself out of it. “Come here.”

Regulus rolls his eyes, dragging himself over to James who cranes his neck to reach him. This he can do. This is simple. This is easy. He grips Regulus' waist to pull him closer, not to start something, just to be near him. Sirius is on his way anyway, they don’t have time, but this is nice. To be normal for a little while, even if it’s only a moment. It’s nice to have someone not worry about what he’ll do in this given moment. Even if the next is uncertain. Regulus is the first to pull away, placing a final kiss on the tip of his nose before walking back, just in time for a knock to sound at the door.

“Sounds like Sirius is here,” Regulus says.

James feels it in his chest, but he doesn’t show it, he keeps his face steady, “He normally just walks in.”

Regulus shrugs, “Must’ve walked in on us too many times,” he jokes. “I’ll get the door.”

James knows that’s not the reason. No matter what has happened Sirius still comes walking in like the owns the place. He has a spare key it’s what it’s for, no matter how many times Regulus swears it’s for emergencies only, Sirius never cares. This is James’ fault. Sirius doesn’t know how to act around him. He’ll fix it. At the very least he can do that. He might’ve been the one to fuck all this up, but he’ll fix it and keep it that way. He can be fine. There’s no reason for him not to be fine.

He thinks about his childhood a lot, trying to figure out where he got fucked up and he can’t find anything. It was good. He has parents who love him and prove it every time he sees them. He was never an outcast, he had friends. Everything was perfect. He was just born this way. He came out wrong. Whoever put him here did it only for a sick joke. He wasn’t meant to survive this long, that’s probably it. He ran out of everything good left for his lifetime and now he’s just waiting out the clock. He shakes his head, he’s not doing this, not now. He’s okay.

Sirius walks through the door without Regulus on his tail, he must’ve already gone back into the room without James noticing. “Hi.”

James sits up, pushing the blankets away, “Hi.”

Sirius hesitates before joining him on the couch, bringing his feet up to his chest. He’s making himself small. James did that. He knows he should say something. He should make this easier on both of them. Take over the conversation and just exist. He can do that. They’ve done it countless times before. Just sat in a room on their phones and let the silence do the talking. He’s not sure why it’s so loud now. It’s almost suffocating. He reaches for the remote, “Do you wanna watch something?”

Sirius’ gaze lingers on him a moment too long. James knows he wants to say something, but he looks away before he does, “Yeah sure, we can do that.”

James clicks through trying to find something, watching the previews like it matters. Sirius watches too, making little comments on the ones he’s seen. They settle on something they’ve seen a dozen times together. It’s their go-to show to put on in the background when there’s nothing else to do. They mostly just talk through it, or if it’s late enough their eyes start to droop and they pass out on the couch together. James doubts either option will happen right now. He tries to get himself to relax, stretching his legs and resting his shoulders. It feels stiff, like something is wrong, but he can’t make it any better. It’ll have to do. Sirius won’t comment on it. It’ll be fine.

James spares a glance over at him, he looks okay, but he’s not sure if he’s the best at noticing it now. He feels like he’s missed so much, he didn’t realize things were getting bad again for him. He was too caught up in himself, but now he just looks like Sirius. Maybe a little tired, and he’s not smiling like he normally does when they’re together, but other than that he looks fine. James can’t help but feel like there’s something underneath. Something Sirius isn’t showing him. Yet another reason why it’s better if James hides. Sirius will know he can come to him for anything, at any time it doesn’t matter how James is. He’ll be there for him. That’s how it’s always been, that’s how it should be. If Sirius really knew how James was that night he wouldn’t call, would he? He would’ve stayed on the bathroom floor alone because he wouldn’t think he’d call. James doesn’t want that. He wants Sirius to come to him. No matter what.
Sirius looks back and James feels caught, like he’s doing something he knows he shouldn’t do. Sirius doesn’t say anything at first, he just looks back, unsaid questions passing through his eyes. James feels his heart rise in his throat. He looks back to the screen, flickering over the captions even if he doesn’t read the words. He doesn’t hear them either, they’re so far in the back of his head they don’t seem to matter.

At least they’re together. That’s something. They’re not hiding from each other anymore. They’ve texted. They’re watching TV together. That’s what they normally do. They don’t need to actually do anything to be together. This is just fine. It would be, but something is wrong. James can feel it pressing on his lungs. He feels Sirius’ eyes still on him. They should be talking. They should say something. Do something other than stare at each other, but something’s eaten James’ words. It’s cut out his tongue.

“James?” Sirius calls out.

He looks over, what else is he supposed to do, “Yeah?”

“Can—Are—“ Sirius sighs, going quiet for a moment before saying, “What have you gotten up to this week?” He adds, “Besides missing me.” 

It’s forced. The joke doesn’t land like it would’ve two weeks ago. There’s just some unmistakable melancholia thrown over the moment. Too many things unsaid, and James aches for them, it feels like grief. “Not much really,” he answers, “Just worked a lot. This family ordered like a million photos and I’ve had to touch up every single one.”

It’s not exactly a lie. That’s what he was trying to do earlier. The photos are due soon he really should’ve been working on them this week. He’ll just have a lot of late nights coming up is all.

Sirius nods, “Yeah the same for me. I picked up some shifts.”

There’s something off about his words, James tries not to focus on it too much, “Remus got home right?”

“Yeah he’s home,” he confirms. “Hope’s doing good.”

“That’s good, yeah,” James winces at his words. He can do better than this. He said he’d fix it. This isn’t how he’s supposed to be going about this.

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbles, turning back to the screen.

James is messing things up again. He always does this. He looks away too. He’s not sure what else to do. Maybe he should’ve taken Regulus up on his offer to stay out here with them. He wouldn’t even need to talk, it wouldn’t be like this if he was here. He’s cut whatever is happening between them completely in two. It would be fine. It is fine. James is making it fine. He’s making it okay. That’s what he said he’d do and he’ll do it. He’s going to fix this. Maybe he’s never been able to fix anything before. Maybe he always messes it up. No matter how badly he tries, or how much he swears to himself that this time will be different, it never is. It always ends like this, but this time it can’t fucking work like that. He has to be fine. He doesn’t know what he’d do if it wasn’t fine. Things can’t keep going like this. He can be fine. He will be fine. He’ll be fine or he’ll be dead, those are his two options. He’ll make it work. That’s his job.

He wants to promise it to Sirius now. He wants to make sure it sticks, but he knows if he says anything Sirius will just say it’s fine. He’ll shut him down. Then every time James actually tries to make it fine Sirius will worry and it’ll be a mess. So he won’t say anything. He won’t make any promises, but he’ll keep them locked in his ribs. He’ll show Sirius he’s fine and then it’ll all be better. He’s not stupid enough to think he’d actually be able to make it stick. It doesn’t work like that. James can’t just be fine. Something always has to be wrong. He’ll mess it up and then he’ll be on the bathroom floor again, or stuck in the mirror unable to tear himself away from his reflection. He knows he’s not strong enough to fight off this evil part of himself, but he can keep it far away from everyone else. He can hide it deep enough that’ll it’ll eat him from the inside out. He’ll keep going even through the rot, and once it takes its course and takes over his heart at least he’ll have given out all of his love, right? He’ll be tired and empty but at least he’s given it all away. At least someone who deserves it feels it. For a little while at least.

He looks at Sirius again and he wants to apologize. He looks away. He doesn’t look back for a while, and he eventually stops feeling Sirius' eyes on him. It’s just quiet. A strange quiet James has never felt before, not with Sirius anyway, but it’s quiet, and it’s fine. Next time James will take them out somewhere. A place they can actually be alive. He’ll run around and make a mess of it all, he’ll joke around and find some energy deep within his chest to try a little harder. Right now this is okay. They’re just watching TV, they do this all the time. Sirius can just think he’s been working himself too hard, that’s it. He just wants to enjoy Sirius’ company right now, he doesn’t need anything else. This can be enough. This has to be enough. For now. Later they’ll be more. James will make sure of it.

It’s hard to tell how long it’s been since Sirius sat down. Even with the episodes playing James isn’t sure how many have happened. It’s all a blur. He doesn’t think he’s been paying as much attention as he should. He knows what’s happening, of course, they’ve seen this too many times for him not to, but he’s a little out of it in a way he shouldn’t be. Sirius doesn’t comment on it. He doesn’t say much of anything, not that James can blame him, he’s not saying anything either. James wants to ask if they’re okay. He wants to ask if Sirius hates him, and then again when he inevitably says no because he just can’t believe him. He doesn’t. He can’t. Someone who’s fine doesn’t ask if things are okay, they just know they are. Someone who’s okay never asks their best friend if they hate them, that would be absurd. So he says nothing. He does nothing. He becomes nothing. He just watches TV. Sirius does the same.

Every time he takes a breath it feels like Sirius is the one releasing it. He’s not sure how to explain it better than that. He’s not sure how to explain anything. His mind is not as clear as it was when he started this whole thing.

Regulus comes out of the room and barely stops when he sees them. James wonders if he knew it would happen like this. If he knew they wouldn’t be able to talk to each other. That’s probably why he suggested this in the first place. Something easy. “Do you guys want dinner?” He asks from the kitchen. “I was thinking about making something.”

James shakes his head, he can do this, “You?”

Regulus scoffs, “I can cook!”

“Something edible?” James questions.

“Shut up,” he appears in the doorway. “Did you want something or not?”

James shrugs, “We can eat.”

“Actually,” Sirius stands up, “I think I’m gonna go home.”

“Oh,” the noise breaks from James’ chest before he can stop it.

“Remus is making dinner,” Sirius says quickly, checking the time with his phone, “He’s probably making it right now actually.”

It feels like they’ve had no time. James doesn’t know where he’s been this entire time. He hasn’t been that long but it should be long enough that he feels something. He should feel the time passing. It shouldn’t be like this. This happens a lot. Sirius comes over they watch TV and then he leaves in an hour or two, it’s not that big of a deal. They see each other all the time and they have their separate lives. Sometimes an hour is all they have and normally that’s fine, but James feels like he wasted it. He didn’t prove that he was okay yet. He hasn’t done anything to make sure Sirius doesn’t worry about him. That’s not what he wanted.

“Yeah okay,” he says instead. He can’t ask him to stay, not when this is all he can give. He can’t do that to him. “I’ll text you.”

“You better,” Sirius tries to joke. It falls flat again. James feels like rot.

Regulus doesn’t stop him as he goes to move. James would’ve thought he would have at least tried to. Make him stay for dinner, or try to invite Remus here instead. James doesn’t even know if he would’ve wanted that, he just doesn’t want to feel like this anymore.

“You gonna come help me,” Regulus questions.

James hums.

“You okay?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he brushes it off, getting up off the couch. “Seeing Sirius was good.”

“I knew it would be,” Regulus replies, walking back into the kitchen. “I’m glad you’re talking again.”

James doesn’t know if Regulus believes him, or if he’s trying to be normal for him. He doesn’t know which one he’d actually prefer. He pushes passed it. “What were you thinking for dinner?”

“No idea,” Regulus opens the fridge, “We don’t really have anything.”

“We can go out,” James suggests. “We haven’t in a while.”

Mainly James’ fault. He gets bad at night. He doesn’t ever want to leave the house he’d rather just lie in bed and not exist for a little while. Going out is exhausting especially after a long day even if he does nothing with it. He doesn’t particularly like the idea now. He would much rather stay home. It’s not that Regulus minds, he’s not really the one to beg to go out all the time, but they haven’t had an actual date night in a while. Even unplanned ones.

He shrugs, “You wanna go to the new place down the road?”

“Yeah sure,” James says. “Anything you want.”

He can be normal. He can do this.

“I’ll get my coat,” Regulus says, walking out of the room. He says something else after but James doesn’t quite catch it. He’s too busy trying to swallow the air around him, suddenly he feels lacking of it. This is stupid. He can be normal. He can have an okay night. He can give Regulus everything he wants and more he deserves so much better. He shuts off the kitchen light and moves to pick up his phone from the living room. His texts with Sirius are still open. He could ask him. He could tell him he misses him and see if he says it back, but he won’t, he can’t. People who are okay don’t do things like that.

“You ready to go?” Regulus asks as he walks out of the bedroom.

“Yeah,” James says quickly, people who are okay don’t hesitate. He slides on his shoes right by the door. He’ll be okay. He is okay. There is nothing else he can do. He’ll be okay. He’ll give out all his love until he’s nothing. Until he’s sick and tired and his mind is giving out on him. He’ll lie in bed and feel the life drain from him and he won’t feel any pain about it. He wouldn’t feel any regret. It’ll be okay. He’ll do it right. Even if this kills him. It’s better him dead than everyone around him having to deal with his bullshit. It’s better to give them love.

He keeps his hand on Regulus’ knee the entire drive over, and slows down when they pass by Sirius’ house to make sure his car is in the driveway.

He’ll make this better. He’ll make it stick. He’ll make sure they don’t regret him too.