Chapter 7
It doesn’t take long at all to get home from James’. He wasn’t there all that long, Remus won’t be expecting him back yet. They usually spend hours and hours together. Sirius was the one to decide to leave and he’s still not quite sure why. It just felt off. Something found its way between his and James’ unbreakable bond and it won’t leave and it won’t let them go back to normal. Of course that thing is Sirius. He did this.
Everything is his fault, just like it always is.
He keeps doing it too. He can’t fucking stop. Remus isn’t even home, he’s not making dinner. As soon as Sirius said he was going over to spend time with James after the extended break they both seemed to need, Remus decided he would get some errands and other things done that he needs to. Which is good, he shouldn’t need to stay home with him all of the time. The lie just slipped out of his mouth with such ease. It’s not even that he hasn’t ever lied before, or lied to James specifically. This time was just so easy. And it was to get away from him. Isn’t he just awful? James shouldn’t want to keep him around when this is how he is.
The lies right now don’t stop there and now he’s getting careless. After an hour or two, he hasn’t been present enough in his own body to truly know, Remus walks through the door. He has a few bags in his hands and groceries are visible in one of them. All of the usual things. He doesn’t rush to put anything away, he just places the bags on the counter and comes to meet him on the couch, wrapping his arms around him.
“Hi sweetheart, have a good time with James?”
This lie, the one he has to tell, doesn’t come as easy so he nods.
“Are you hungry? I’m going to make dinner I think.”
“I ate over there before coming home.” This one just tumbles out of his mouth.
“Oh yeah alright. Want to watch something while I cook and eat then?”
“Alright yeah.” So he reaches over for the remote and clicks the TV on.
The noise drowns out some of his thoughts at least. He doesn’t pay much attention to what show is playing or anything that’s being said. It’s more of a buzz in his mind taking away from everything else. Not quite a ringing in his ears, but close. This happens a lot. It’s not even that he’s trying to tune everything out, well maybe he is, but it happens regardless. The TV is just noise to him right now. And that’s perfectly fine by him, it makes it easier to dissociate.
If Remus knew that’s what he’s doing right now he wouldn’t be too happy. He knows this and yet he still can’t seem to talk himself out of it. Sirius shouldn’t want to fade out, nothing good ever happens when he does. But he’s foolish enough to think that maybe this time will be different. That if he wills himself to go numb, to stop being present, then it will be easier to pull himself out of.
That’s never how it will go, but it doesn’t matter. None of it really does. Slowly he will ruin everything more than he already has and there will be nothing left. James is practically already gone. Slipped away from him because he was careless. He was selfish for one night, admitted defeat, and look where that got him. Pretty soon he could lose Remus too. He’ll be tired of taking care of him, even though he insists that won’t happen. Sirius will push it all too much, he’ll be too much work.
He can’t stop that from happening. He doesn’t know how to fix things with James. Regulus will give up on him too. He has better things than his brother now. Everyone will leave him and he’ll just be right here. Forever. Waiting for them to come back, even if they never will. Sirius just has to still be here in case they come back. Right here, he’ll never leave.
More accurately he would end up on the bathroom floor rather than the sofa. That’s where he can be forever. Wishing he was enough for them to stay, for anyone to stay. Carving lines in his skin for everything he’s messed up. Never feeling any more real. Feeble attempts at existing. Never truly anything more than a shell of a person with far too many scars. Nothing that anyone could ever love.
Not enough, never enough. Possibly even too much. He showed too much of himself to James and now he’s gone forever. But still, even after that, Sirius isn’t enough. There aren’t any reasons for his friend to stay. Too much, not enough, but never right.
Too much, not enough, but never right. too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too muchtoomuchtoo- not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough not enough notenoughnotenoughnotenoughnotenough-
…but never right.
“Sirius!”
Oh. His hand is roughly in Remus’ grasp and he first looks up to meet his frantic eyes. How long had he been gone? His gaze shifts down to his other arm that isn’t being held captive and bright red angry skin stares up at him. Mostly just irritated, though in a few places his skin broke. Little bubbles of blood rest on the surface, but really it’s nothing. To him at least, it’s nothing.
“Sorry, I’m here.” He mumbles.
“I was calling your name for a minute and you weren’t answering-” Remus’ face softens, but he mostly just looks sad. “What’s wrong do you want to talk about it?”
“No. ‘m Okay.” Words are still hard, but he got Sirius out of his head at least.
Usually being with James is good, it can most often breathe new life into him. Both of them. Tonight it seems it did the opposite. Sucked everything from him. Sirius spent the whole time pretending everything was normal, mirroring how James acted. That was the best way to do it, and it still failed. His best friend is hiding things from him, and he isn’t sure how much he can take.
You’re doing the same thing, he reminds himself.
He could fight that feeling, explain away how what he’s doing isn’t any different. That today he really was okay. That he didn’t fake anything while he was over there today. It would be a lie though. Maybe he’s better than a week ago, or maybe he’s just getting really good at acting. He’s just not going to be the first to break. If James doesn’t want to trust him, then he can just be okay. Sirius was the first to ask for help, he called his best friend. Who does James call? Oh right, Sirius’ little brother.
It shouldn’t sting as much as it does. Usually it doesn’t. He loves that they are together. He doesn’t love that James seems to not need him for anything anymore. Not even that, it’s that he doesn’t trust him with things. Sirius doesn’t need him to come to him with everything, but he should know that he can. That he doesn’t have to lie to him.
That’s the worst part. He’s lying. Even though he knows that Sirius will be hurt by it. So what more can he do but pretend he doesn’t see through the lies and pretend that he’s okay too. More lies and more lies and more lies. The truth won’t exist anymore between them. If that’s what James wants then that can just be okay. He’ll get used to that.
Maybe he can even trick himself into actually being okay and then it’ll stop being a lie.
“Talk to me, please.” He pleads.
Sirius wants to give him anything he wants, this is just hard. “I’m tired.”
“That’s okay. Want to lie down?”
He shifts, making more room on the couch for him. His head is guiding to Remus’ lap and he lets his eyes slowly shut. Nothing needs to exist right now. Sirius doesn’t need to exist right now. Just being here is good. He can be here. A hand comes and slides through his hair luckily not catching on any knots. It’s soothing.
Beneath him Remus tries his best to not move too much. But he leans over and grabs a tissue, holding Sirius steady as he does. The same hand that was in his hair a moment ago, leaves and is now wiping gently at the marks on his arm. The drops of blood are wiped away and the redness is already gone now. It’s nothing anymore. Gone.
He wishes it were that easy for him. To just be gone. Wiped away. All the times he feels like he barely exists he should be able to just wipe himself away and be gone. To be nothing anymore. It would solve a lot of problems. For him and for everyone else. All he does is cause more problems that other people have to fix and then they get upset when they can’t fix them. It traces back to him every time.
“Being alive is too hard.” He whispers, hoping he doesn’t hear.
But he does. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. I’ll make it okay.”
“Let me die.” Sirius’ voice cracks. “That will make it okay.”
He doesn’t let him. Instead Remus holds him tighter. Gently cradling him, holding the pieces of him together. Not too tight that he’ll break but tight enough that he can’t slip away.
No matter how many times this happens and its too many to count now, Remus is still here. He always wipes the blood away and bandages him up whenever he needs to. He holds him until he can hold himself up. It’s a never ending cycle. Tonight is no different. Sirius drifts off under his touch, curled into him. It’s the most peaceful place he knows, it’s home. Remus makes him feel as good as anything can.
The following day he waits to see if anything changes. But he feels the same as he did, except he’s also more upset with himself. Not for lying, not for bleeding. Those are normal for him now. He’s upset for how things went with James. That felt awful and the pit won’t leave his stomach now. In the moment he just kept telling himself it would be fine, that he was just overthinking it. By the next day he would realize he was being dumb. But that’s not what happened. The sinking feeling keeps growing in him, spreading from his stomach to his chest. Overtaking every part of him.
He hardly gets up all day. There’s not really a point. Remus takes care of him and he doesn’t even have the energy to argue against it. All he can do is let it happen. Most of the day he’s not thinking either. Maybe he’s starting to go numb again, fading away again. It wouldn’t be good but he’s not sure he cares. Sirius just exists in their flat and that’s the most he can manage.
There’s still James who he wants to talk to, he just wants things to be normal with them again. It’s not that simple, but it should be. It’s James. The thoughts he does have all day have him laced through them. Thinking about texting him, thinking about calling him, thinking about begging him to keep loving him. Making sure that they will survive whatever this is and make it through with each other. Because Sirius isn’t sure that he can keep living if that’s not how it goes. He can’t live without James.
But he can’t get himself to text James. Every time that he wakes up for long enough to check his phone, there are no messages from him. Maybe he shouldn’t be waiting to hear from him again, but he wants to be wanted. Sirius needs to know that he’s not giving up on them, that he still cares. That he didn’t ruin everything.
The whole day goes by and then its night again. Remus hasn’t left the flat, he’s barely left the bed. At least not when Sirius is functional enough to notice. One of his hands is usually rubbing circles on his back or his fingers are going through his hair. He has to be getting tired by now. Not just physically, but mentally exhausted by the constant caretaking. This is why he didn’t used to show this side of him to anyone. Not willingly at least.
When he yawns, Sirius turns to finally look at him. “You can sleep. You don’t have to watch me all night.”
“I don’t mind.” Except he knows what he really means. I don’t trust you alone.
It should hurt knowing that his own boyfriend doesn’t trust him. But it’s just that he doesn’t trust him not to hurt himself and he guesses that’s fair. Sirius hasn’t exactly proven that he can be trusted. He’s hardly been the one to stop himself from doing anything. But right now it should be fine.
Remus got rid of anything he could use to hurt himself. A few days ago, while he didn’t think Sirius was awake, he went through the entire flat and found every hiding spot he’s used and threw it all out. That’s a good thing, or it should be a good thing. Part of him thinks that Remus probably missed at least one spot, but he hasn’t checked.
Even still, Remus doesn’t want to even sleep for fear of what Sirius will do and that’s not a way to live. That’s not fair and it’s not right. He can’t argue though. Then Remus will think he’s trying to get rid of him or get him to sleep so he can dig up a new blade and watch himself bleed. The thing is that this time he’s really not going to.At least right now that isn’t the plan, there’s no telling what he would do an hour from now. He just hates being a burden on Remus. If he’s too much work then one day he’ll leave too. His relationship with James is already hanging on by a thread, if that. He can’t lose Remus too.
Sirius wakes up panicked. His heart is beating out of his chest and he can’t figure out where he is for a moment. Slowly things become more clear, but breathing doesn’t get any easier. A whole day went by and he isn’t sure that he did anything. Did so many hours actually pass? Did he even move from the bed?
Next to him Remus is still here. Has he moved at all? He should, it’s not good for him to just be here like this. He has a life to live. Sirius shouldn’t hold him back from that. He hates that he does. There isn’t a life for him to live anymore, there’s no one waiting on him. But Remus has people who love him and a whole life ahead of him. Instead he stays locked up in this flat, in this bed, with him. Wasting away.
There’s really nothing left for him. Even if he checked his phone there wouldn’t be any missed messages. A whole day has gone by and no one is looking for him. Granted one of the few people that ever does, is right next to him. But Sirius isn’t sure that he even wants to be here.
He’s just scared. Scared of what Sirius will do if no one is here to watch him. To keep him breathing. Throughout the night Remus probably leaned over to make sure he was still breathing multiple times. He can’t blame him though. If it was up to Sirius, he probably wouldn’t be breathing right now, but he is.
The panic subsides as he realizes that he has no where to be and no one waiting on him. He doesn’t check his phone. There’s no point. It will only hurt more seeing that there is nothing there. He knows, but seeing it with his own eyes is different. His fingers will find their way to opening up his messages with James on their own. That’s always the first place he goes, it’s instinct. Nothing new will be there.
He shouldn’t expect there to be. There used to be. They would hardly go an hour without talking. Now it’s been what? Two days? Soon it could easily become two weeks and then two months and then they won’t even be able to call each other best friends any more. They won’t be anything. Sirius won’t exist by then, he’ll be gone if that’s how this is all going to go.
No one would understand it anyway. There’s two sides to a conversation, he could be the one to text him. He could. But does James even want him to? He hasn’t seemed like he wants him to. They barely got through a conversation in person. It felt like pulling teeth. Sirius doesn’t have the energy for that. Though he would give all of his energy to James, he would give anything for things to be okay.
But if he’s not wanted, then that’s entirely different.
“Are you awake?” Remus’ voice is warm and barely audible.
“Yeah.” Contrastingly, Sirius is hoarse.
“Want to get up?” He asks, but they both already know the answer. “I can go get us some coffee, if you want.”
“Okay.”
It’s the first moment alone he has. It doesn’t feel as good as he thought it would. That’s mostly due to the deafening silence that echoes through the flat. He’ll only be gone a short time, but Sirius can’t handle it. His phone isn’t by him to be able to put on music and getting up is too much. So he’s forced to just sit with his thoughts. Nothing has changed since a minute ago when Remus was running his fingers across his back. It was quiet then too. But now he’s alone and it’s too much.
There is no one to call to make it better. It’s only twenty minutes or so. It’s nothing. Not enough time for him to do anything anyway. He doesn’t have the energy to get up and find a blade and there’s not enough pills in the flat to even make him feel anything more than relief from a headache. So laying here is the best option he has and it fucking sucks.
This might just be the new normal. He doesn’t want that to be true, but it’s not going to get better. This is the best it will ever be. Existing without actively trying to kill himself and just hoping that the few people in his life won’t leave him. Slowly he shoves the duvet off of himself and rolls over. It’s the smallest bit of progress.
It would make Remus happy to see him up from bed when he gets back. He has time, how much depends on what cafe he is going to, but even still. There’s some time before he will get home which means Sirius has time to find a way to get up. Little by little he can figure it out. The feeling in his chest can be pushed aside and to the back of his mind. Just enough to let him stand up and move to the couch.
In all it takes at least ten minutes. Embarrassingly long. He’s usually a fast walker and does most things pretty quickly. Except when he’s like this and time doesn’t feel real. Sirius is moving through molasses while everyone else is sliding along. It’s not fair but it’s how it is. Everything is hard, the smallest movements take a days worth of energy.
A key turns in the lock. The door opens. How long has it been? Is Remus already back? His face lights up when he looks up and sees Sirius waiting for him. Up from their bed and well that’s it. He knows he doesn’t look alive or even alert. He hardly is. Sirius blinks a few slow times but doesn’t say anything. His mouth moves but he doesn’t hear any of the words that come out.
In the background Remus moves into the flat and puts the coffees down. He catches himself scratching at his wrist and his hip and fights to stop. There is nothing else for him to do with his hands and this is his default. It isn’t helping him to feel any more real right now. Nothing is. He’s just stuck in this flat watching the world pass him by. No one even notices that he’s being left behind.
“I got your favourite.” He sits down next to him and hands the coffee to him.
“Oh, thank you. Did you go to my cafe?”
“I did.” Remus takes a breath in, nodding. “They said you can go back whenever you want to, but no pressure. You can focus on getting better before you do anything else.”
Better. A silly way of thinking.
There’s no getting better.
Years ago he thought he could get better. Maybe he almost did. Almost is the closest to the truth. He’s right back where he was. Where he has always been. On the brink of existence. Not even in control of whether he keeps going or not. The people around him drag him through each day despite knowing that leaving him would be easier.
“Alright.” He whispers and sips on his coffee.
At least this is something to hold. His hands aren’t empty and searching for somewhere to dig his claws in. Remus is here now and it makes him more connected to the world. It allows him to breathe. Even if that still takes work, it’s not impossible. It’s not fair to Remus but they both know it’s the only way Sirius will keep going.
“I charged your phone by the way. It was dead when I picked it up.”
He doesn’t say anything. It would be better to let it stay dead than face the fact that no one wants to talk to him. If there were any messages for him, Remus would say. But he doesn’t because there’s not. That fact lost its shock value long ago. Now it just stings. A dull aching sting.
A pastry is passed to him and his phone is set on the couch. Neither are appealing to him. It’s been a while since he ate. The most he wants to do with his phone right now is to put on music. But that would require looking at the blank screen too. Facing the hunger or his loneliness are the options. Remus isn’t forcing either on him. He’s just trying to help.
“Do you need anything?”
“No it’s okay.” He immediately dismisses.
“Music?” Remus suggests, reading his mind.
Sirius nods. That solves one problem. The second is sitting in his lap in the form of a sweet pastry. The longer he waits the harder it will be. The more the pangs in his stomach will roar. The more work it will feel like. With music playing softly in the background his thoughts quiet. They fall to the back and he’s able to see more clearly.
It’s not as hard just for a moment. Then the volume of his thoughts turn up. Louder than the music. Racing through his mind unable to be ignored. All of them are about James. The croissant doesn’t seem like anything now. That’s easy. What isn’t easy is the worry that his best friend has slipped through his fingers. That he shut the door in his face and never wants to open it again. He took away the key.
He can’t help himself when he asks. “Do you think James is done with me?”
“What?” Remus looks at him with wide eyes. “Why would he-”
“Never mind. It doesn’t matter you’re right.”
“Sweetheart, it’s okay. Do you want to text him? I’m sure he’s around and would want to hang out with you. Or us, I haven’t seen him much lately either.” That should make him feel better.
Of course it doesn’t though. Even if that’s true, even if James hasn’t seen either of them. It’s still his fault. He’s the one James doesn’t want to see. He’s the one who ruined everything. He made them like this. He doesn’t know how to fix it.
But he wants to so badly it hurts. “Okay yeah.”
It shouldn’t be that hard. Just opening his phone and sending a message. He’s done it a million times before. If not more. He and James used to text back and forth all hours of the day everyday. This short break, he doesn’t even know exactly how long it’s been, ruined it all. If he had just kept it up after that first night and pretended like it was all fine it would have been. They wouldn’t have stopped talking.
They’re ignoring what happened that night anyway. But everything is different because of it anyway. That’s the problem. He can fix it. They can get back to how things should be. Even if they will always be different now. Even if Sirius is always going to question whether his best friend trusts him and whether he can trust James. That’s okay as long as he has him. He needs him, even if he’s not needed in return.
[Sirius]: hey!
He sends it before he can overthink it. It’s simple enough. This is going to be a good thing. Remus thinks so, and he trusts Remus, so it’s fine. It isn’t going to mess anything up. Maybe it won’t fix everything, at least not very quickly. But it won’t make it worse. This text won’t be what ruins them. He doesn’t want anything to ruin them. Not more than he already did.
After a minute or five of staring at his phone, he figures it would be better to lock it and put it down. He’ll answer when he does. Sirius is always the one to answer right away. Only with certain people though. Always with James. He will drop anything he’s doing to respond to James. Or Remus or sometimes Regulus too. Everyone else can wait until he has the energy. He just never wants them to be waiting on him. He doesn’t want to give them reasons to leave or any time to.
While Remus talks, he fights the urge to pick the phone back up to check for a message. Nothing will be there and that should be okay. Ten minutes is all he can hold out before he checks. There’s nothing, of course there isn’t. Normally that would be okay but he can’t quiet the thoughts in his head.
Instead of just clicking it shut again and waiting, he deletes it. An hour later he tries again. This time with an easier text for James to reply to. It’s a question this time. Something asking for a response and not just rotting in his phone.
[Sirius]: hey! message deleted
[Sirius]: are you doing anything later?
How long will he be able to wait for a response this time? James could just be busy. (Too busy for Sirius). That’s okay, he can wait. He would wait forever for James to come back to him. Not that he’s gone, but he’s slipping. Sirius can feel him slipping away and he’s desperately trying to grab hold. Pull him back.
No wonder he leaves claw marks in everything he has ever loved. Everyone leaves and he’s left bloody and bruised and wondering where he went wrong. He tries so hard to be good, to do it all right. But that never works. It’s not that he’s doing everything wrong, he just is wrong. He ruins everything he touches, including himself.
It’s the middle of the afternoon when he starts to think that this text will go unanswered too. He won’t open his phone, but he checks the lock screen every few minutes. Waiting and waiting and waiting. Remus keeps talking to him and he nods along. It’s pointless. Nothing else matters when he’s waiting for confirmation that he hasn’t lost James. This text won’t even answer that, but he needs it.
“Have you been listening to anything I said?”
He instantly feels bad. “Not really…”
“I figured. I just asked if you wanted me to braid your hair and you didn’t even react. You love getting your hair braided.”
“Yeah sorry my head is really loud right now.” Sirius squeezes his eyes shut trying to center himself.
It doesn’t really work. Nothing ever does. So he stops fighting it. He picks his phone back up and clicks into his messages with James. Deleting the second message would be so easy. It would be easier to decide it for himself. Rather than waiting for a response. He could be waiting forever. If James decided he’s done with him, no response will ever come. It’s pathetic to wait.
Just as he goes to delete it, the little bubbles pop up saying that James is typing. Oh. It should feel good, but it just tightens his chest. It hurts. He doesn’t know what he’s going to say, but he just has to sit and watch him type. It’s been hours since the first text, but James is here now. He’s not done with him.
[James]: I’m around
[Sirius]: hang out?
[Sirius]: we could go to that park by your place if it’s nice out
[James]: Okay yeah, meet there in an hour?
[Sirius]: sounds good
At least he didn’t stop answering. He almost thought James would after that first text. That’s why he had to answer immediately. He always does. Making sure that he doesn’t lose him. If they just sat at one of their places again there would be a million silences that would only be filled by putting the TV on. He doesn’t want that, but he also has no idea how going out will be. It’s a gamble but he’ll take it for the chance to find normalcy in hanging out with James.
He has time to prepare. An hour. Enough time to get ready, to feel real again, and then sit around until it’s time to leave. Sirius tells Remus about the plans and he seems happy for him. Glad that he’s going to leave the flat at least for a bit. Maybe he should have invited him along, but that adds another variable. James would have more of a reason to just pretend everything is fine rather than talk.
The whole time he’s drifting around getting dressed and brushing his teeth, he thinks about what to say. When he last asked James if he was okay, he got dismissive. But he can’t stop thinking about how he had to call Regulus for help. And how Regulus was able to help in ways that he couldn’t. Is that how it always is? Does James keep everything that isn’t perfect out of view from Sirius? He’s never been the one there to help and maybe he never will be.
Fitting that he’s standing in front of the mirror as he thinks this. Sirius is doing the same thing. He never lets James see the worst of him. He’s a fucking hypocrite, but what does that matter? What does James have to hide? It can’t be worse than him. The difference is though, Sirius did ask for help. It didn’t go as planned and he doesn’t really want to think about it, but he broke. He broke in front of James who was never even supposed to see the cracks. When James started to crack, he pushed Sirius farther away. He wouldn’t have him see the mess he can be. The puddle that was melting. Instead he needed Regulus. And now acts like Sirius didn’t see any of it at all. Except he did.
“You should probably head out soon. Right?” Remus stands in the door frame, he wasn’t there a second ago.
He snaps out of it now, no longer getting lost in his reflection. “Oh, yeah I should. Next time we can all do something maybe.”
“Perfect. Go, have fun. Text or call me if you need anything, okay?” Remus kisses the top of his head, pulling him into a quick hug just before he walks out the front door.
Even with an hour to try and mentally prepare, he doesn’t feel ready. The entire way over, he’s barely present. Not totally dissociating, but a little bit. The beginning of it. Seeing James will snap him out of it and it will be okay. They’re just hanging out. It shouldn’t feel big and daunting. This is his best friend. They can hang out and talk and just be with each other.
He’s okay. He can be okay. Maybe this is all in his head. Once he’s with James it will all go away like a bad dream. The tension will fade and he’ll laugh at himself for all of this. For feeling like he was slipping. All he knows is that he doesn’t want James to pretend with him. He doesn’t want to get to the park and see a fake version of his best friend. Then he would feel like he has to put up the same front.
Sirius doesn’t have the energy for that. He can just be okay, but he can’t force more than that.
When he gets there James is already waiting. He didn’t expect that. Sure, James is usually more on time between the two of them, but lately he’s not sure. With how he’s been texting he assumed that James would be late. He’s not which is good, that’s a good sign. Right? Their eyes meet and he smiles brightly, which for a second feels good. So good. Until he thinks about it and wonders if James is faking it all.
“Hey! Was just about to text you to see if you were on your way.”
“I was,” He laughs but it’s uncomfortable. “Remus says hi by the way.”
Together they start walking into the park. “I’ll text him later, I haven’t seen him for a bit.”
“We should all do something soon, yeah?”
“Yeah.” James responds quietly.
And then it’s quiet. They keep walking side by side and it should be fine. They used to be able to be with each other in silence. James could be perfectly content with it right now. But Sirius isn’t. It makes his skin crawl, he needs to claw his way out. He needs to find a way to force words from his mouth. If they stay in the quiet for too long it will overtake everything. It will be impossible to revert.
There’s a trail that they can follow around the park. They have been here plenty of times. Usually they’ll walk the loop four or five times losing track of all time because they can’t shut up. Now they move slower than usual, he’s not sure which of them are setting the pace and which of them are just following. Everything has been slow for Sirius lately, so maybe it’s his fault.
He wants to ask. He wants to ask how James is. He said he was okay a few days ago, but what if that changed? What if that was a lie? A good friend would ask. A best friend would just know. Here Sirius is, unable to do either. Maybe he’s never been the best friend he thinks he is because he never knew. He never saw through the facade James puts up to see that he’s struggling.
An awful realization. He would spiral over it, if he weren’t here.
Instead he chooses not to. “The playground is right up there. We could go sit on the swings.”
“Just like we used to.” James finishes his thought, the words he wasn’t going to add.
Sirius nods. They have come here so many times. Much too old to really play, they weren’t kids. But it was nice to be here. Pretend like nothing else matters for a bit. Swings really don’t have a maximum age where they stop being fun. Their boyfriends used to make fun of them for it. Until they dragged them along and they realized maybe they weren’t just being childish.
That was back when things were better. Sirius was doing okay. Probably the best he was ever doing between when he was 17 and now. Or he just was good at escaping back then. It’s been a year or so at least since they last came here. There wasn’t a reason they stopped really. They both just got busy and also started to do more real things. Whenever they wanted a chill day or night, they would just go to one of their houses rather than the park.
They get to the swings and it is empty there luckily. James sits down on one, so he sits right next to him. Just like they always do. They’ve had some deep talks here before. Is that something they would do now? When they both know there are things the other isn’t saying. Every other time seems like nothing now, like a rouse to hide everything that went unsaid. Sirius was never really doing it on purpose, it just happened. But now he’s not sure.
He pushes himself lightly with his feet, waiting for James to be the one to talk this time. It would be easier if he brings it up. Then Sirius isn’t accusing him of anything. Then it shows that he trusts him. Then it shows that he wants him to know, he wants to tell him. He wants Sirius in his life and wants him to really know him. Not just know the version of James that he curates.
“Should we get dinner after this?” He ends up asking.
“Yeah alright. I’m not that hungry, but we can.” Sirius doesn’t fully hide it, but he doesn’t make it obvious that he doesn’t want to.
By now James knows at least a little bit about his issues with food. Not specifics, but he thought it would be enough for him to not push. Not make plans around food. But it’s okay, he’s doing okay right now. He’s not doing bad right now, would be the more accurate statement.
“We can just grab something little. Whatever you want.” James looks at him for confirmation. Like he wants to make sure he’s not saying the wrong thing.
It only gives away that he’s not being honest about how he’s feeling. Though Sirius hasn’t asked, he’s just assuming. “Okay yeah. How is work going? I’ve been meaning to ask.”
“It’s been okay. Just getting through it. I haven’t taken on any new projects right now. What about you? How’s the cafe?”
“I think I might quit.” He surprises himself with the words. Just this morning he was wondering if he still had a job, but he’s not sure he wants it anyway.
“Oh? Really?”
“Yeah, it’s just more annoying than anything now. I’m not really up for going. I’d rather not.” It’s all true, though not the entire truth.
Really, he can’t be bothered to get out of bed consistently enough to even have a job. He doesn’t even want to be alive long enough to get another one. But no one will let him die. Remus won’t let him die. So he’ll pretend like he still has that job for now. Until he either gets what he wants or finds something better to do. No one is expecting him to actually go in for a shift right now. Not since the disaster of the last time he did.
They both continue swinging, not very high, but just enough. Right now they are on opposite swings. When James goes forward, Sirius is back. They pass each other for a moment with every back and forth, but it’s not very easy to talk like this. The two of them haven’t been on the same path, haven’t been on the same wavelength, for so long now. This is only fitting.
“Do you… know what… you’ll do… instead?” James asks each time they line up.
“Not really. We’ll see.” His swing slows and he stops kicking his legs.
“Are you-” It’s hard to hear what he says next. It almost sounds like he’s asking are you okay. Sirius pretends he doesn’t hear. It’s easier that way. Though he’s not even sure of the question so that’s a good enough reason. He’s hardly even sure if James finished asking it or if he gave up too. If he’s truly asking, then he should be prepared to answer it too.
The rest of the afternoon is quiet. It’s another almost hour before it’s a normal time to get dinner. Somehow they make it through the quiet. Minimal talking. Barely looking at each other. This might just be what their friendship is now. Glancing when the other isn’t looking, keeping everything close to their chests. Secrets and hiding and… distance. Physical or otherwise.
He doesn’t know how much more he can take. Sirius needs him to care. He needs his best friend to either see that he’s moments away from leaving and get him to stay or ask for his help in return. If James cared whether he lives or dies, if he wanted him to lean on him, then maybe it could turn out different.
Today showed him what he needed to see. That things aren’t going to get better. His best friend, the one person in the world who is meant to trust him with anything, doesn’t. It’s hard to even see whether or not he wants to be his friend. It’s killing Sirius. Not slowly, not bit by bit, not just the smallest piece of him is dying. His heart has shriveled up, his mind is aiming the gun ready to pull the trigger. Sirius can’t keep doing this, no one wants him anyway.
“Dinner? We could split something from this place around the corner?”
“That would be alright. Whatever you want James.”
The entire, albeit short, way over to the restaurant, Sirius has to psych himself up for eating. It’s been a while since he ate out anywhere. But it’s just with James no one else will be looking at him. Hopefully James doesn’t comment either. He was always good about that even without knowing his issues. As long as he doesn’t bring it up, it will be fine.
He doesn’t. It’s simple and easy. They split an appetizer from the menu and it’s actually pretty good. If James notices that he eats more of it than Sirius does he doesn’t say. Thankfully. Having food between them helps with talking. Meaning it helps them to not have to talk. If they have food in their mouths then they don’t have to say anything.
Neither of them ask how the other is. neither of them demand the other talks about their feelings. Neither of them show any signs that they care. Sirius knows how much he cares about James. All he does is care about James. One of the most important people in his life and he’s just about ruined it. Just like he always does. Years ago he thought he had ruined his relationship with his brother for good. This feels worse than that. Not because he’s closer to James or anything like that. But he doesn’t know if he can come back from this.
It’s ruined for good. He and James aren’t going to be the same. And it’s his fault. He messed everything up, he should have just handled himself alone that night. Maybe that would have resulted in him dead on the bathroom floor for Remus to find when he got back from Wales, but at least he and James would have never fallen out like this.
“We’ll hang out soon?” James asks before they part ways.
He wants to feel good about it. He should. There’s just something behind his eyes that shoves a pit in his stomach. It’s all wrong. This isn’t how they are. They don’t talk like acquaintances that see each other twice a month if that. They are best friends. They joke and laugh and make fun of each other. They call each other nicknames and scream I love you as they part ways. Not whatever the fuck this is.
“Yeah of course.”
He answers anyway. It’s not like any of it matters anymore.
Two hours later, or something like that, Sirius is sitting at home with Remus once again. They’re on the sofa and his head is on his shoulder, feet tucked under himself, blanket thrown over both of them. Exactly what he needed tonight. He’s trying his best to not think about earlier. To not think about James.
Not something he would usually want. He loves thinking about James. That’s his best friend. But it’s too much right now. Every time that he thinks of him, he thinks about how he doesn’t trust him. How James doesn’t want to let him in, and doesn’t care to push Sirius to talk. How there is a wall dividing them that’s too tall to climb and too thick to break. How it’s easier for him to die on this side of it. It wouldn’t matter anyway.
Amidst trying and failing at not thinking about James, his phone rings. It had to ring multiple times because he silenced all notifications earlier. Yet a call was pushed through anyway. He first thinks it’s Regulus, he always pushes the calls through even if it’s not important. It’s not him.
It’s James. He answers without hesitation. “James?”
“I- I need you.”
That’s all it takes for him to jump off the couch and scramble to pull shoes on his feet. “What is it?”
“Can you come pick me up? Please?” His voice breaks. “Now if- if you can.”
Sirius swallows all of his thoughts and locks them far away. Those aren’t for right now. Right now he’s going to get James. Whatever he needs. Anything for him. He grabs a jumper from next to the door and runs out, looking a mess, with nothing but the car keys and his phone. And not a clue what’s going on.
“I’m coming. I’ll be right there James. I’ll stay on the phone on my way.”
“Thank you.” He can hear muffled sobs through his words.
“Anything. Anything for you.”