Does Your Bussy Get Wrecked?? Poor Thing.
Tony didn't really realise how much of an idiot he was.
Not until he realised that Thor's crying and Steve's drawing craze had everything to do with Harry's disappearance.
Well, it wasn't a disappearance. Harry had quit his job.
Tony was still pouting over it.
Pepper had given him an earful- he was still not allowed to sleep on the bed and it was three weeks later. She had even sent flowers and a card to Harry to apologise for her ridiculous fiance's behaviour. Harry had sent back a gracious but short email thanking her, but ultimately he had decided to find another job elsewhere.
And that was why, Tony was snoring on the couch while the others ate breakfast around him.
"Tony Stark."
Tony sat up with a snort. "Ge' me sum pizza!!" He shouted, causing Clint to look over at him from where he was stuffing waffles into his mouth.
"Wha?" The archer questioned and began choking on a stray piece of waffle that floated down his windpipe.
Thor whacked the man's back and nearly forced his ribs through his sternum. Clint's eyes began to water at that.
"Tony Stark." The voice said again.
Tony rubbed his eyes blearily, and opened them to clear the sleep fog. Then, the man shrieked and flew over the back of the couch at the face that was nose to nose with him.
"What. The. Actual. Hell. Are you doing in my living room?!" Tony's voice pulled the attention of the rest of the family to where he was cowering behind the sofa staring at a person now sat in the armchair opposite.
"What? I can't visit 'The Tony Stark' every once in a while?" The person asked, voice lyrical and beautiful.
They wore a colourful cloak- yellow with a hood drawn over their head so the gang couldn't see their face.
"How did you get in here?" Natasha asked, pulling a Widow Bite into her hand from her sleeve holder.
"Yeah. How did you... JARVIS?" Tony asked pulling on his gauntlet bracelets from his pocket, ready to deploy them at any second. JARVIS stayed silent.
"No cup of tea? No scones?" The being sighed. "I guess Harry was right. You Americans really do lack in elevenses."
"Harry?" Thor perked up at the mention of his friend. "How do you know Potterson."
The being tilted their head slightly.
"Harry hasn't spoken of me?!" The pout could be heard in the silky voice. "What a shame, when I'm the reason he's here after all." They sighed again.
"What do you want from us?" Tony asked.
The being pressed the rim of the cup to their lips and loud smacking could be heard as they slurped the tea from the china.
Where had that come from?!!
Hang on, Tony swore he'd seen that china before...
At Harry's!!!!
The man lifted his now gloved hand menacingly.
"That's Harry's china. From his house. How did you get in here, how did you get that- what did you do to him??!!" Tony growled menacingly.
The being placed the cup and saucer on a conjured coaster on the coffee table.
"I think I should be the one asking the questions. No?" The being said with a smirk in their tone. "After all, you're the reason our little friend is currently moping wherever he is. I don't actually know as he's cut me off. But, I can feel his emotions none the less."
Tony flushed angrily. "Yeah, well. Mistakes were made."
"All you need to do is apologise- sincerely- Stark, and Harry will be your friend again." The being stood up with another sigh- they were rather fond of sighing- and faced the whole Avengers team sans Hulk as Bruce stood to the side.
"Who are you?" Natasha asked, gun in hand now. "And how the hell did you get past security and JARVIS?"
The being threw their hood off, and revealed a handsome man with swirling black eyes and a sinister smile. However, these features did nothing to lessen the attractiveness of the guy. Tony, who knew he was straight, found something really appealing about him, and blushed.
"You don't recognise me? How sad." The man smiled. "Perhaps, you'd know me better like this."
The group gasped as he raised his hand, and in the motion of bringing it down, a scythe appeared in his hand, and a black cloak flowed over him, covering his head once again. A wind rippled through the room, and yet it wasn't menacing, simply- a wind.
As the man pulled back his hood again, the robe changed to yellow and the scythe disappeared.
"I. Am Death." He said simply.
"Worry not little friend." Death said as Bruce took a step back worriedly.
"I'm not here to collect any souls- yet." A large grin followed that and Tony scowled at the being's pearly whites.
"What do you want with Harry then?" He asked. "Because he's the best of us and you can't have him." Tony admitted fondly.
Death smiled. "Nay. I just wanted to leave his belongings with him." Death pulled two objects from within his robe and placed them on the coffee table next to the cup and saucer and coaster.
"What's that?" Steve finally spoke.
"I'll leave Harry to tell you about it. If you see him- tell him Death says high, and to get in touch soon."
Death left just like he arrived. One second he was there and the next he was gone. Teacup, saucer and coaster too.
"I think he's friends with Strange." Tony broke the silence. Clint frowned at him. "They're both weird."
"Don't say that!!" Bruce gasped looking around himself frantically. "He could be listening, and you could just drop dead like that!!" He clicked his fingers.
Tony picked up the long stick on the table while Steve held the rock up to the light.
"I didn't realise Harry was into that kind of thing." Tony smirked.
"What?" Steve- the prude asked and looked at his friend putting the stone back on the table.
"Well Steve. There's things called but plugs and different types of sex toys. This one looks like a rather long anal bead thing. It is rather unforgiving, long and barely any girth to it however..." Tony hummed. "Maybe it has some kind of inflation device it's hooked up to. It's wood however, so I don't know. I scheme, Death found a couple of Harry's old things at his old place and wanted to return them." Tony dropped the object at that idea. "On second thoughts, if Harry has stuck that up his ass, I don't want to touch it."
Steve looked like he wanted to throw up. "Young Harry is only seventeen." He wheezed.
Tony looked at the two objects with disgust. "And you don't want to know what I was getting up to at fifteen. I'm going to need to sanitise that table now."
"I highly doubt that that's a butt plug." Clint joined the conversation. "It's not even got a suction cup or a flared base. Anyone stick that in, they'll get that lost deep in the orifice."
Steve heaved. "Clint!!"
"Also, that's an unrefined rock, plug end maybe, but it certainly would have been an ugly one. A bit of shaping and a polish maybe, and that could work. But like this? Aint no-one sticking that in their ass."
Steve retched. "CLINT!!"
Natasha, Bruce and Pepper all burst into laughter as Steve ran out of the room ears covered by his white knuckled hands.
"Prude." Tony shook his head at the old fashioned man.
"IN ASGARD WE FUCK WITH COCKS. WHAT IS THIS ASS PLUGGER YOU SPEAK OF?" Thor boomed.
Steve's screams echoed down the hallway to the living room.
"Was it something I said?" Thor whined like a kicked puppy.
Tony waved his hand up from his position on the floor, where he was doing a good impression of a dead fish as he gasped for air dying with laughter. Pepper of all people, was going blue from mirth in the corner.
OdinSon@MightyHammer
WE HAD A SPECIAL VISITOR TODAY
I'mACopper@cuffhim
Oooh!! Who?
OdinSon@MightHammer
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THEIR NAME ON THIS PLATFORM...
~~~~~~
OdinSon@MightyHammer
HARRY POTTER? HARRY POTTER!!
HELLO?!!
OdinSon@MightyHammer
HARRY POTTER? HARRY POTTER!!
HELLO?!!
OdinSon@MightyHammer
HARRY POTTER? HARRY POTTER!!
HELLO?!!
OdinSon@MightyHammer
HARRY POTTER? HARRY POTTER!!
HELLO?!!
HPB@GoldenBoy
i was napping.
OdinSon@MightyHammer
DEATH SAYS HELLO!!!!
Damn@IWantCake
That doesn't sound menacing at all...
WhoAmI?@Idon'tKnow
@MightyHammer You can't just go around wishing death on people!!
HPB@GoldenBoy
tell him to fuck off.
soundman@cloudhopper
@GoldenBoy is Thor threatening you? There's lines you can call.
HPB@GoldenBoy
nah. he's just being nice because that menacing little shit can't keep away even though it's clear i want nothing to do with him
SIIntern@PBP
@TinyStank I think someone is talking about you... @GoldenBoy
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
@GoldenBoy That's mean. I'm crying.
HPB@GoldenBoy
@TinyStank surprisingly, i wasn't talking about you that time. Death really is a menace to society. annoying little twerp. can't leave me to age in peace either. always turning up near my birthday to try and get some cake. thinks i don't know his tricks...
PPotts@TheBoss
He left some... artifacts on the coffee table. We'd love to see you if you come and pick them up yourself.
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
Yeah Harry.
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
Come and get your butt plug and anal beads off my nice mahogany coffee table.
What??!!@WHAT??!!
I feel like I need to comment.
His WHAT is on your coffee table.
SIIntern@PBP
Yeah. How come Harry gets to have a butt plug and I'm not even allowed a girlfriend?
HPB@GoldenBoy
IT'S NOT A BUTT PLUG!!!!
soundman@cloudhopper
@GoldenBoy are you sure? You sound like you've got a little something stuck in your... hole
HPB@GoldenBoy
@TinyStank kill me now. Look at what you've done.
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
What else are we supposed to think? Have you seen it? Looks like an anal kit if you squint at it.
SIIntern@PBP
We all know what Tony Stark gets up to in his free time. Does @TheBoss peg you?
HPB@GoldenBoy
@TinyStank Does @TheBossream your prostate weekly?
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
@TheBoss They're bullying me.
PPotts@TheBoss
Good.
And I stay as far away from his ass as possible. Have you seen it?
PPotts@TheBoss
Don't answer that.
IAmIronMan@TinyStank
DON'T ANSWER THAT!!!!
HPB@GoldenBoy
I'm going to bed now. bye
HPB@GoldenBoy
And if Death comes back, tell him I said to fuck off.
Cap!@ShmaptainShmerica
LANGUAGE!!!!
Get such disgusting talk off the Twitter!!
Sincerely,
Steve Rogers
~~~~~~
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