Selfish Acts
The faint sound of two voices talking amongst themselves came from the end of the hallway and James instantly recognized both of them.
He had been looking for Sirius since he stormed out of the great hall, mere moments after Regulus did (and much less gracefully, if I dare say).
He assumed they would both be together, but he wasn’t very sure of what state he would find them. Because as far as James Potter knows, Sirius and Regulus haven’t talked since the night Sirius left Grimmauld. Months ago.
He will always remember the faint sound of a knock on the door on that nice summer evening.
He had been worried for the last few days before that evening. Sirius hasn’t been replying to any of his letters, and he feared something bad may have happened to him. He knew better than to use the floo, and he didn’t wish to bother his parents before he’d have any concrete proof that something was wrong. He didn’t want to worry them, as they cared for Sirius very much, and thought of him as their own. He was always like this about the people he loved, paranoid at times, fearful when there was no specific need to be.
This happens sometimes. With Sirius.
Something would happen with his mother and Sirius would go silent for days, sending a short message to James as soon as the waters were clear - as clear as they could get in Grimmauld.
James might sound paranoid, but this wasn’t like those times.
He could feel it.
Something was wrong.
Another knock woke him from his thoughts.
“James?” the voice croaked.
He immediately ran to the door.
Sirius was standing there.
He had no shoes on and his hair was much shorter than it was the last time he saw him. The cuts were uneven, as if someone put a knife to his head and started waving it around him carelessly.
Cuts and scratches have dismantled his graceful face and his neck had a big purple bruise covering most of it. His eyes were wide with terror and he seemed as if he was about to burst into tears in any second.
They stared at each other.
James has seen Sirius in various states throughout those precious five years of friendship. He had seen him in anger, blinded by rage to the point it drove him mad, hurt, confused, mischievous, in love, but never like this.
This was something else.
Sirius Black was a force of nature, and James never thought he would ever appear to be anything less. Never thought that that house would manage to make him into the boy that was standing in front of him.
This was not the Sirius everyone else knew. This Sirius only unraveled himself to him under the covers, whispering despite the silencing spell he never failed to put up. This Sirius was shoved into the dark corners of his own mind, forever trapped in the memories that made him like he is and never shown to anyone but James. Maybe Regulus too, when he thinks of it.
They were both staring at each other, not knowing what to say. It seemed that Sirius was lost in his thoughts, his legs shaking, even when the weather was nice, like he was still running. The thought came, horridly - did he run here, all the way from home?
“That bitch,” James heard his own voice croak in a whisper.
Sirius huffed a sound that was probably supposed to be laughter, rather faintly as it appeared his neck injury was severely painful, for it quickly dissolved and became a muffled groan of pain.
As Sirius made his way inside the house, limping, James tried to shake his initial shock and called Mimi, their house elf, and asked her to fetch his parents as quickly as she possibly could.
In those few minutes before his Mum and Dad arrived, he and Sirius sat on the couch in his living room. More accurately, Sirius sat and James was fussing over him. He had never felt as helpless as he did at that moment.
He tried everything he could think of.
Do you want any water? Oh, we’ve got orange juice! Do you want something to eat, mum made this thing last night, I thought you’d like it when I ate it… Do you want some? I can make you something else. I can give you something, anything.
Sirius, apparently, noticed that and gently gestured to James to sit beside him. Not with his voice, but with his eyes. He was more statue than he was boy at that very moment, every part of his body bruised or hurt, shaking or simply afraid to even move. But his eyes, they remained as they were: Full of fear, of course, but pleading and loving as his voice would sound, if he could manage to pull it out of his own throat, had it not been taken away from him.
He looked so small in that moment, gently tilting his head at James, as if making a plea before him. Not in the loud way he always would do things, theatrically just for the fun of it. With Sirius Black everything you saw was a spectacle so that you wouldn’t notice any of the things that were truly going on inside his head. Everything seemed to hurt him now, and James was struck by a wave of horror just thinking about all the injuries he couldn’t see.
He would live a full lifetime and never understand how someone could bring this much pain to their own child. How someone can take Sirius Black, the bravest and brightest person James had ever seen and turn him into this person who was sitting in front of him. He was so small. So… lifeless.
James has never been a particularly angry person. He grew up in a loving home with loving parents who taught him, as best as they could, how to handle his emotions. When he broke a vase, he was not met with a screaming parent towering above him, but with a gentle voice who showed him how to fix it if he had made a mistake, and talked to him if he did it on purpose.
But in this moment, his rage consumed him.
How could they do this to him? How dare they dim the force that is Sirius Black?
He wanted to show up there and fight all of Sirius’ monsters. To dismantle them with his bare hands, so that there would be no one alive on earth who was capable of doing something like that to him. His best friend. Always his brother.
The sound of steps walking towards him awakened him from his thoughts. He shook his head in an attempt to rid himself of his thoughts.
He headed down the hallway to welcome Sirius, cautiously as he was trying to better understand the situation he had just stepped foot in.
He also wanted to see Regulus. Curiously, not subtle at all, he peeked his head to look, just to take a stolen glance.
The boy was sitting on the floor and leaning his back on the wall. His knees were wobbly and his cheeks were stained with tears. His face was a bit red and his hair was a bit messy, as if he had just put his hand through it in a desperate attempt to calm himself.
Messy and mercurial, he was breathtaking.
Even though he had just been crying, Regulus didn’t seem sad. The slightest shadow of a smile reigned on his face as he looked up at his brother.
James’ heart skipped a beat.
Regulus didn’t seem to notice James, and he savored these few beautiful moments, where his heart was beating fast and he had to fight to keep the smile off of his face. He told himself he could always stop, always turn back and not take a second glass, but in this moment he knew he had to do something about this whole Regulus thing.
But Sirius needed him now.
So it will be one Black brother at a time for James.
He tore his eyes away from Regulus, who continued to sit there and was now fidgeting nervously with his tie.
Sirius met his eyes with a faint hint of a smile on his face. It didn’t reach his eyes.
“Heya, Prongs,” he said.
James smiled at him and ceased from leaning against the wall, retreating back into the hallway. His heart slowed as Regulus’ figure disappeared behind the corner.
“Are you okay?” James asked carefully after a minute of silent walking back to the common room. The halls were still empty with almost everyone still being at breakfast, but he still spoke quietly.
The silence never bothered him when it came to Sirius. It was peaceful and full of bliss, as only a true kinship between two souls can be. It never really made a difference, as they could understand each other without using any words.
Sirius Black and James Potter shared one soul, which dwelled between their two bodies in perfect sync, like a dance that could never give you sore feet.
Sirius took a minute to answer. James didn’t mind.
“I missed him so much, James,” he said. He suddenly stopped in the middle of the hallway and leaned his back against the wall. James stopped and stood beside him. “He came back to me,” he said. It was almost silent, so faint he could swear Sirius was only trying to convince himself of the truth in his words.
He did, though.
Come back.
Regulus came back.
“I’m so happy for you, Sirius. You seem lighter.”
Also, last night I snogged this very same estranged brother senselessly in the Astronomy tower.
Stupid.
He shook his head to try and shake Regulus from his thoughts again. He seemed to be doing that a lot today.
“I feel it, too. But I don’t think everything will be okay right away, you know?” Sirius said and finally looked up at James, “but I really think he’s trying this time. He was there, James. He was really there. With me. And I’m so happy that he’s back, I am, but I just can’t shake this feeling that this is all a dream. A ruse.”
“Why would it be a dream, Sirius?” he asked softly.
“Because people like me don’t deserve happy endings,” he said quietly, as if trying to silence the words even after they left his mouth. “I’m so scared they’re going to come and take him away from me,” he swallows. “That I’ll wake up in that house again. I feel like I’m always there. I’m always in that room, and I can’t get the fuck out.”
“Sirius, no one is coming for you. No one is going to take him away. He’s here. He’s not going back,” he took a deep breath and gently laid his hand on Sirius’ shoulder, “and neither are you.”
Sirius stared adamantly at his shoes.
He never did like to talk about his family.
“Hey,” James said and moved from his place against the wall, now facing Sirius, “You got out.”
“I know. I know that. I just don’t feel like I did,” he smiled, his lips pursing in a cruel smile, his eyes not daring to look at James.
“You got out. You’re never going back there.”
“Yeah,” Sirius said faintly, “I know.” He just didn’t sound quite sure.
“If anyone comes for you they have to get through me first. I’ve got you,” James smiled fondly at him.
Sirius nodded and stopped staring at his shoes. He cleared his throat and resumed his walk to the common room and James quickly followed.
The sunlight flooded in through the stone arches of the main entrance and it seemed only fitting. Sirius Black, heir to darkness and cold piles of gold, surrounded by light, covered in rays of eternal warmth carried by the sun.
“You know, you should really leave some of that tragedy for other universes. I bet you a thousand galleons that there are far more tragic versions of Sirius Black,” he said.
Sirius laughed.
His smile reached his eyes.
“You really believe in that? All that alternate universes stuff, I mean,” Sirius asked.
“‘Cours I do. I bet there are thousands of other versions of ourselves running around living out the most amazing things you could think of. I bet there’s even one where we all die on some super cool superhero mission. Y’know, like the ones in Moony’s muggle books.”
“That’s cool. Shame on the death thing, though. Sounds like a right bummer,” Sirius grinned at the thought.
“Bummer indeed, my friend,” James said and grinned back at him.
“I’m happy I’m here, you know, in this universe. With you,” Sirius said quietly.
The corners of his eyes crinkled and James knew instantly that he felt the very same way. Because what is a world without Sirius Black and James Potter together in it? One where they don’t endlessly orbit around one another? James silently hoped that there would never be a world like that. Where one had to live without the other.
“Careful there, Black, you’re going soft on me.”
“Sod off.”
“You love me, really.”
Sirius rolled his eyes in a fond manner and stopped as they reached the entry to their common room.
The halls were starting to fill with the usual noise of students heading to classes. Apparently breakfast was over.
Good thing they were almost there.
“Lion heart,” Sirius said to the fat lady in the portrait. She swung her hand quite aggressively to her side and gestured to both of them to come inside. He could have sworn she was giving Sirius a particularly wide smile.
When they started going up the stairs to their dorm Sirius said: “If that’s okay with you, I think I want to be alone for a bit.”
“‘Course, Pads. I’ll be off.”
“Thank you, James. For all of it.”
James smiled at him and watched as his figure disappeared in the stairwell in front of him.
He sighed as he realized he could no longer escape the events of the previous night.
He had to do something.
And thus, a very nervous James Potter made his way to the library.
★
“Psst, Remus,” he whispered as he sat down next to Remus.
“Yeah, Prongs?” Remus replied without ripping his eyes from the piece of parchment he was so firmly hanging on to. James was surprised it hadn’t ripped already.
“Can I get your advice on something?” James asked, sheepishly.
“Sure,” Remus said and finally looked up at him. His eyes had big black circles under them and it was very clear that something had been eating at him. “Lay it on me.”
“So, you know how during the party I sneaked off,” James started.
“Yeah,” Remus said and raised his eyebrow.
“So, I went to the astronomy tower, and there was someone who was already there.”
“Well that’s… riveting, James. I’m glad to hear,” Remus said, mockingly.
“It may have been Regulus Black,” James said, lowering his voice and looking around, to make sure no one could hear, “And we both were really drunk, and I-”
“James.”
“Yeah, mate?” he replied nervously.
Remus said and sighed, “Let me get this straight. You’re telling me that you dry humped Sirius’ little brother in the astronomy tower last night?”
“I wish,” James said before he came to his senses. He cleared his throat and then said - “Wait, you don’t sound surprised.”
“Well, you do look at him like you want to eat him whenever Slytherin plays Quidditch. I’m surprised it took you so long,” Remus said nonchalantly and smirked as James’ face flushed.
“Do you think anyone else knows?”
That’s exactly what he needed - Sirius to be pissed at him for deflowering his brother. Or, almost deflowering. Whatever. From the experiences of the night before he learnt that Regulus Black can be very persuasive when he wishes to be, and he doubts he would have stopped had he not been in such a state when the night ended.
“Dunno,” Remus said, “but I really doubt Sirius knows. He’s not very perceptive.”
“Do you reckon he’s okay?” James said direly, “with the whole Regulus
being disowned thing, I mean?”
“I haven’t talked to him in a while,” Remus said, gritting his teeth (for reasons unknown to James, whose poor mind was far too preoccupied to linger on). “I think Sirius might expect this to be easier than it actually will be. I don’t know Regulus personally, but they both grew up in the same house. This won’t just go away because they don’t live there anymore. Trauma doesn’t work like that.”
“I just don’t want to get in the way of something, I guess,” James said.
“I’m sensing there’s a ‘but’ here,” Remus said and raised his eyebrow.
“But I just can’t stop thinking about it. Him, I mean,” he said and felt his pulse beating faster.
He was always a big romantic.
Everyone knew that.
But after the whole Lily thing he felt as if his chances of meeting someone at school like he always dreamed of were far dimmer than before. He was happy that his friends got to experience summer crushes and have short flings, but it just didn’t feel right to him. Yes, he would occasionally kiss someone at a party, and he noticed people around him, but no one made him crazy like this after one kiss. He never really talked about it with anyone, but he was always waiting for his big true love. ‘The one’, as they call it. You don’t grow up with parents like Fleamont and Euphimia Potter and not believe in true love.
“I feel like I’m always pleasing everyone. Like everything I do is just a means to an end in someone else’s game. And it felt good to be there with him. It was so good. To do something selfish for once. And I know this makes me sound like a bad person, but-”
“You’re not a bad person, James,” Remus rolled his eyes, “and honestly, I think you should go for it. With Regulus.”
“What?” James asked as his eyes shot wide in confusion. That’s the last thing he expected to come from this conversation.
“Yeah. Don’t take this the wrong way, mate, but you’re a real people pleaser. I think you owe it to yourself to at least explore this new thing.”
“You really think so?”
Remus rolled his eyes again.
James was surprised they didn’t get stuck in his brain.
“I know you, James. You’ve never had a casual emotion in your life. You like him. Like him like him. I can tell. And whatever the James Potter definition of a crush entitles is probably courtship for us mundaines. Go for it.”
James hated the way the flush quickly crawled up his neck. This seemed to be a common theme whenever anyone mentioned Regulus around him.
“I just don’t want to hurt Sirius.”
“I think you should just get to know Regulus. You don’t have to sleep with him again or anything to do that. Talk to him, and see what happens,” Remus said.
“Oi! I didn’t sleep with him,” James argued. “We just… kissed. And stuff,” he said.
Remus started laughing and he understood that the explanation sounded much better in his head.
“Wow. Never pegged the great James Potter for a prude,” he smirked.
Why everyone around him feels the need to tell him he’s a prude is truly beyond him. He’s… done stuff. With people. Loads of them.
Remus got up and gathered his books.
“I need to head to class, Prongs. See you at lunch, yeah?” He asked.
Just before he left their section of the library, Remus turned around and said - “Oh, and by the way, he’s into you. He’s been staring.”