A Plea
Remus Lupin doesn’t remember much from his early childhood, except for the harsh facts. His estranged father had died mysteriously when he was five and his mother has been silent ever since, uttering broken sentences only when it was absolutely necessary and never paying much attention to her only son.
As a child, Remus suffered immensely from a lack of love and was mostly by himself. His mother was a poor woman with no known relatives who played any important part in his life. They could never afford a TV, so Remus resorted to exploring everything around him in an attempt to better understand the world he lived in.
His mother never sent him to a school - whether or not they couldn’t afford it or she simply couldn't be bothered to do so remained unclear to this day - so he would wander aimlessly around their neighborhood and study the people around him.
When Remus was four, he wandered further than he ever had in the past. He knew nothing of his surroundings and had no way of getting home. Any other child of four years old would have probably burst into tears and called for their mum, but Remus was no ordinary child of four years old. He was excited to explore this new part of the world that he has never seen before, and childishly believed that he had just made a discovery no other person had made before him.
The streets of this strange welsh neighborhood were unlike the streets he grew up in. There were no people sitting aimlessly on street corners, no children playing in the park. Everything looked newer than anything he had ever known. For a moment he wondered if anyone lived in this wonderful place or if he was completely alone.
He came across a big red building and became very curious about what was in there. The building was taller and wider than any he had ever seen before, and for a minute he wondered if he had been dreaming. If he would wake up in his bed, face dirty from playing in the mud right before he went to sleep and stomach growling from lack of food.
A loud bell rang and startled him, waking him from his thoughts. In seconds, the street he was standing in became flooded with kids. Some looked around the same age as he was but others looked much older and scarier. He had never seen this many children in one place before. He stared at them, trying to capture everything about them.
They all looked much better than he had.
His face was dirty and his shirt had holes in it while they were dressed in uniforms, the girls in black plaid skirts and the boys in black trousers. He never paid much attention to the way he looked before, but in those moments he felt the need to drop his gaze from the other children and look down at his bare feet, wishing he could disappear from the face of the earth.
When he looked up again he saw that some of them were looking at him. Staring and laughing as he looked at them and tilted his head, confused at their behavior. He never had much contact with children his age, due to his usual preference to be by himself and his lack of any educational frame that would allow him to do so. He quickly turned on his heel and decided to hide until they were all gone, as he became overwhelmed with this unwanted attention.
As he waited patiently for the street to be empty again and watched them talking to one another, exchanging kind smiles and laughing at each other’s sweet nothings, and for the first time in his whole four year old life, he wondered what it would be like to have a friend. Another being to share the world with.
It took about half an hour for all of them to leave, but Remus didn’t mind waiting. Time is perceived differently in one’s mind when you don't have any place to call home and crawl back to after a tiring day. Remus was an orphan of the wind in many ways, always waiting for a big storm to carry him off to a new place where he could find new hiding places to call his own.
The big blue door to the building was still open and the curious boy snuck inside, his heart beating fast as if he was a character in a book that is about to make a great discovery.
The big building looked even bigger inside. Wooden doors were at every corner and the walls surrounding him had endless pictures and decorations on them. He had never seen a place like this before.
He reached out his arm and opened one of the wood doors, curious to see what was hiding behind it. The door opened easily and as he peered inside, slightly adjusting his eyes to this new world, he noticed that he was not alone as he thought he would be.
A woman looked down at him kindly and seemed very confused by his presence. She lent out her hand and smiled at him.
“Hello, What’s your name?” she asked him.
“I’m Remus,” he said and furrowed his eyebrows. Her hand was still lent towards him and he understood that he was meant to shake it.
“Good handshake you’ve got there, Remus. I’m Alice,” she said.
He hummed in response, not really knowing how he was supposed to react.
“Do you go here, Remus?” she asked, and Remus noticed the way her gaze scanned his lanky frame with worry.
“No. I’m not from here. I was just walking around,” he answered quietly. He was usually not very fond of having conversations with strangers, but something about her implied that she was trustworthy. He knew she meant him no harm.
Behind her there was a big shelf with a lot of books. He stared at them, fascinated. His parents never taught him how to read, but he watched his dad read countless novels and grew to adore the habit, simply because it reminded him of his father.
His father was rarely home, he worked endless hours and barely talked to Remus or his wife. When he would come back, late at night he would sit in their living room with an old book and a cigarette in hand and would read for hours. He didn’t know much about his father - not where he went to work for so many hours every day, not why his mother seemed to flinch whenever he would walk into a room unannounced, and not why looked like an older, gloomier version of Remus.
In the years to come after this moment, Remus would grow to hate Lyall in a way only a son can hate a father. This hate concealed a soft sadness to it, a longing to something that can never truly be. In this moment, as he stood and gazed adoringly at these books, thinking of how much his dad would delight in their sight, wishing he could take one with him to show him when he went back home - he knew nothing of this hate.
Books, as he understood from watching his father, were an escape. He relished in the thought of escaping to different worlds without having to take a step out of his home. He longed to understand why his father cared more about sitting alone on their old couch every night instead of going to sleep. In later years, he thought about these endless nights of watching his father like this and understood that this was the one thing he really remembered about him.
“Remus?” Alice asked and stood by his side, looking at the library and smiling at the sight of this grave discovery that had just been made in front of her eyes. “Do you want to take one of them with you?” she asked.
He continued to stare at them without saying a word. She kneeled down next to him and said - “Which one do you like best, Remus?”
A big red book caught his eye. It was sitting, quite dusty and seemingly old (‘older than me!’, he thought to himself), on the bottom shelf of this little library. There were other books, newer books. But none of them seemed as interesting to him as this one. He reached for it and gently picked it up from the shelf. It was heavy, but he didn’t mind.
“What is this one about?” he asked her and looked up to see her smiling at him.
“Ah, that’s Little Women. It’s only my favorite book of all time. It’s about a group of sisters and their struggles while growing up. They stick together through it all, but growing up can be… tough. So this book is kind of… all of it. The good and the bad parts of everything.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, kid. Do you want to take it home with you?” she asked him and gestured at his hand.
“Can I?” he asked, eyes wide and thirsty to find out more.
What interested Remus about this book was not only the story Alice has just unraveled to him, but the physical object itself. He didn’t have any new things of his own, only ever wearing hand-me-downs which were too big for him and made him appear even scrawnier than he actually was. But something about this book felt like home. It wasn’t like any of the other books - not new or shiny, no price sticker on the back or big colorful pictures in it. He felt that this book, as an object, had a story to tell too. In contrast to all of these other books, who seemed to have a much more impactful presence on this small library, this book has been loved. This became very clear to Remus as he gently held it in his two hands and was careful not to damage the cracked spine and the peeling leather coming off of the cover.
“Of course you can. You can come back here when you finish it, too. If you want. I’d love to see someone enjoy these books.”
He mumbled a thank you to her and held the book tightly to his chest. He, of course, didn’t tell Alice that he didn’t really know how to read. No one ever taught him. He tried, of course, and when he looked at the letters he felt as if they were something very simple that was just beyond his grasp of understanding. He longed to know what they all meant and uncover the endless thoughts people wrote with them. Longed to understand his father’s fascination with these symbols, and why they were more important than his own family.
He decided, as he walked back home, not too worried about his previous confusion with this new place, that he would ask his father to teach him right when he came back from work. As his feet led him home, he wondered what story laid inside of these pages that he was so tightly holding on to.
When his father came home, he sat on the couch and pulled out a cigarette pack from his back pocket, pulling one out and putting it between his lips. He snapped his fingers and it immediately lit up, filling the living room with the same familiar scent which his father carried with him everywhere he went.
“Hey, dad.”
“Hey, kiddo. Why are you awake?”
So Remus told him he found a book outside. He didn’t feel the need to detail his adventure in length, and was very eager to start reading the book. His father smiled fondly at him, and opened the big book. He suggested they’d start together, and with a tired deep voice - which Remus remembers to this day - he said the following words: “‘Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,’ grumbled Jo…”
A few months later, just a week after Remus turned five, a monster came into his bedroom and gave him a big scar on his face.
A few days after that, his mother said that his father had to take a long trip for work, and that he wouldn’t come back anytime soon.
Remus had to finish the book alone.
★
A few nights ago, the day after everyone came back from Christmas vacation, Remus and his friends were sitting in their dorm room.
Music was gently playing in the background and Sirius had his head on Remus’ knee, looking up at him every few minutes while he was talking to him. About what, Remus couldn’t tell you even if he wanted - as the following events of this night took over his every waking thought since, and blurred the lines of what had really happened previously.
But he’s getting ahead of himself. He should probably try to set all of these events in chronological order to try and fish for an explanation as to why everything happened the way it did.
So, as he was saying, they were sitting in their room and David Bowie was playing in the background. ‘Lady Stardust’, if you wish to be precise. It seemed only fitting that Sirius, the human embodiment of this song would be gently resting his head on Remus’ knee, humming the lyrics as he idly played with his ring.
A few months before Sirius turned thirteen, his cousin , Andromeda, had sent him a brand new vinyl to play on his beloved record player. She said her boyfriend (a muggle named Tom, which caused quite an uproar in the Black household, as he understood from Sirius) worked at this old vinyl shop in east London and that they had just gotten this record that she was absolutely sure he would love.
When he got the package, he looked up at Remus and offered him, eyes bright and grin ten times too big for his face, that they would leave breakfast and head off to their room and listen to it before class.
Remus agreed. Of course he did. He would never tell anyone this, but if he was being honest, there was nothing Sirius could say that wouldn’t sound like poetry to him. Even when he scoffed at his jokes and mocked him for his posh behavior, when they fought as they often did about the most mundane things, Remus could never really stay mad at him.
He just didn’t know how.
Shortly after knowing him, he became quite sure that Sirius had a different kind of magic running in his veins than other wizards did. He was unlike any person Remus has ever met, and yet he felt so familiar as soon as Remus set his eyes on him for the first time.
There was something in his eyes, which Remus could stare at for hours - the way they crinkled when he smiled and brightened when he was upset or had a really bad idea that would probably get him in trouble - that was so familiar. Like home. He felt strongly that he was always destined to meet him, one way or another. He longed to know him better than anyone else had. When he was away Remus would search for him in other people, craving every crumble of him that he could get.
As they sat down in their room, Sirius eagerly put the vinyl on the record player. There were these few short moments right after the first song, ‘Five Years’, started playing, where he and Sirius stared at each other, their eyes wide and their hearts still beating fast from going up the stairs so fast - and Remus knew that he would cherish this moment forever.
They remained silent until David Bowie’s voice had died out, when Sirius whispered to him - even though there was no one else in the room with them - “So, you reckon he’s a wizard?”
“Come on. Don’t be ridiculous. Of course he’s not a wizard,” Remus scoffed.
“I don’t know, mate. I’ve never seen a muggle dressed like that,” he said and pointed at the picture of Bowie that came with the vinyl. Remus couldn't help but stare at it when he first saw it falling from the vinyl’s sleeve.
“You’ve never seen a muggle, Sirius. Ever.”
“You don’t know that!” Sirius said, mouth falling open at this completely accurate accusation.
“If you would have seen one, I’m sure we’d never hear the end of it.”
“Oi! I can be mysterious when I want to. I don’t tell you everything. Don’t put me in a box.”
“Please,” Remus smirked, “You never shut up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen your mouth not moving.”
“You wound me, Lupin.”
He had to fight the grin from taking over his face.
The next song started playing, and Remus immediately knew that this one was his favorite. As he listened to the lyrics for the first time in his life (and most definitely not the last, much to Peter’s dismay, who never really got the whole Bowie thing), he immediately thought of Sirius.
He looked up at him and smiled as Bowie’s voice took over their dorm room again.
People stared at the makeup on his face
Laughed at his long black hair, His animal grace
Sirius was completely entranced in the music, closing his eyes and letting the words take over all of his senses. In this moment, Remus could stare at him without needing to look away.
No one could see him staring.
The boy in the bright blue jeans
Jumped on the stage
And lady stardust sang his songs
Of darkness and disgrace
Sirius’ hair has gotten longer since summer break, and was gently framing his face. His chin was slightly lifted and he was leaning on his hands for support, head swaying to the music as he hummed the chorus the second time it came, already familiar with the rhythm. Remus was entranced, but in a different way than Sirius was.
His eyes flickered to the picture of David Bowie they were talking about earlier. In it he was standing confidently in black leather boots (which also reminded him of Sirius), and was firmly holding a red guitar in his hand. His frame was lanky and yet he stood strong, and Remus felt his heart racing the more he looked at him. One of Bowie’s eyes was covered in an eyepatch and his neck was almost completely bare, except for a scarf that left a bit for Remus’ imagination. His hair was bright red and for a moment Remus considered what Sirius had said earlier, about Bowie being a wizard. He wasn’t as sure as he was before that he wasn’t. He was nothing like any person he had ever seen before.
Just like Sirius.
As the thought came to him, Remus looked up at Sirius again. There was this brief moment where Sirius opened his eyes just when the song ended and grinned brightly at Remus.
Oh.
Remus’ heart started beating even faster than it had when he looked at Bowie in the eyepatch.
The sun made Sirius’ porcelain skin glow. The heat probably bothered him because he took off his robe and laid there with just his shirt and trousers on.
Oh.
He awakened from his thoughts when Sirius said something along the lines of - “Let’s throw a party.”
His eyes flickered to Remus, bright as ever. A grin covered his face as he looked at him, silently pleading him to agree. One might think that the marauders were, as they seemed to the outside world, a socialist utopia - leaderless and free - but that was wrong. Only James would admit it, but Remus was usually the boss of them. Not that he didn’t join in on their schemes whenever he was feeling particularly vengeful, but he was the voice of reason to all of the chaos that went inside their dorm, simultaneously being the mastermind behind almost all of their pranks.
Sometimes when Sirius looked at him, Remus could almost swear that he knew. He must have known. He must have seen how Remus’ cheeks flushed in bright red whenever he looked at him as he did just now. He must have seen it all. Sometimes, when he was drunk out of his mind or when he stayed awake late at night, unable to relieve himself of his troubling thoughts, he could have sworn that Sirius felt the same.
Sirius’ tie was loosely hanging around his neck, defining his strong features and that cursed Black family bone structure. His shirt was unbuttoned and Remus could see the tattoo he had gotten last year on his collarbone.
He couldn’t say no.
So he scoffed, probably said something along the lines of - ‘you’re insufferable’, but then hurried with him to inform the girls of this new development.
The party started about a half hour after Sirius mouthed the idea. Remus shouldn’t be surprised about how fast Sirius could get everyone to do as he pleased. He was undoubtedly the most beloved marauders of the four (much to James’ dismay, but they all knew he was joking whenever he seemed offended by this claim), and had most of the school - Remus included - wrapped around his finger. It wasn’t just that he was beautiful as he was, for he possessed a charm so majestic that it seemed to rival the power that laid within his beauty.
The party got bigger by the minute, groups of schoolmates from different houses walking into the Gryffindor common room and immediately heading towards the table full of drinks and refreshments. Sirius, ever the lightweight, got drunk much faster than Remus, who watched him in awe as he made his rounds and greeted the newcomers.
And then Sirius caught Remus staring at him and drew himself closer to him. He lifted his gaze to meet Remus' eye - if Remus wasn’t drunk he could have sworn Sirius was on tiptoes - and whispered - “Want to go for a smoke?”
“Sure,” Remus said, trying to remain as cool about this as he could. Sirius Black was going to be the death of him.
They went to the window and Remus started rolling them both a cigarette. Sirius watched him, amazed as he always was at this apparently fascinating habit (‘Are you sure this isn’t magic?’ he would always ask). He brought the filter to his lips and licked it. He felt a surge of confidence pass through him and looked up at Sirius as he did it. Sirius’ eyes went wide and flush crawled up his neck.
He would always stare at Remus when he was drunk. A small and pathetic part of him ached for these moments, where Sirius would let himself be vulnerable and would look at Remus with eyes so wide he feared Sirius might swallow him whole.
And then, and this is where it gets interesting for poor Remus, Sirius said, yelling over the music:”Oi Moony, you wanna go up to the dorm and smoke there? It’s too loud in here. I feel like I’m going crazy,” and the slightest shadow of a smirk was clearly on his face.
Remus knew something was off, because Sirius was looking at him in a very certain way and he was so close that Remus could smell the alcohol on his breath. But he was drunk, and quite lonely, and Sirius looked too lovely for him to say no. So he nodded, and the two snuck up to the dorm room.
Sirius sat down by the window and gestured to Remus to join him.
His heart was practically beating out of his chest.
He wondered if Sirius could hear it.
Remus sat down and Sirius snapped his fingers and smiled as the cigarette lit itself.
“You look nice tonight, Remus,” he said quietly as he drew the smoke to his lungs.
He never dropped his gaze from Remus’ eye.
Oh.
“Thanks, Pads. So do you,” he swallowed.
Sirius put the cigarette between Remus’ lips. His ring grazed against Remus’ chin.
He never dropped his gaze.
As he took a drag, he could see Sirius’ eyes drop to his lips.
The smoke escaped his mouth and he felt as though everything went silent.
There was something almost electric in the air. He could hear Sirius taking a deep breath. The noise of the party dimmed around them.
He couldn’t really tell you exactly what he thought the moment Sirius urged forward and crashed their lips together. His first clear thought, funnily enough - was about the lit cigarette. He threw it from the window and felt Sirius drawing himself closer to him in that very same moment.
Oh.
Sirius put his hand through Remus’ hair and pulled, hard, and then it hit him.
He was kissing Sirius Black.
Oh.
He has dreamt about this moment.
His lips made the move before his mind did, and he immediately started kissing him back.
Sirius tugged his hair and put his other hand on Remus' tie.
It was on the floor within seconds.
As he made his way down Remus’ neck, his lips biting and sucking hard on Remus’ flushed skin, he whispered Remus’ name.
Remus has kissed other men before. He’s had his fair share of awkward sexual experiences. He was a gay bloke in a boarding school, and he wasn’t at all bad looking. It wasn’t like it was hard.
But he never had anything like this.
He would always imagine it was Sirius as he had his way with all of the other boys he was with. He would close his eyes and let his lips wander, doing what one does in these types of situations, and imagine rough skin and long black hair.
There were other attractive people at Hogwarts. He wasn’t blind.
He knew that if he wanted, he could take one of them out and this feeling of crippling loneliness would stop, or at least be put to rest. But deep down, he knew what he had always known: There was no else for him besides Sirius Black.
He tried not to wonder too often if Sirius had felt the same - it just hurt too much for him to handle - but he knew this in the most simple way. It was just another one of these things about life he couldn’t control. The moon is constantly surrounded by beautiful stars and Remus Lupin can only love Sirius Black.
Before he could fully think this through, Sirius’ name gently escaped his mouth.
It sounded like a plea.
Please don’t leave.
Just stay like this.
Just like-
A loud knock made Sirius stop on his way down to Remus’ belt. He looked up, his lips red and his face flushed.
Remus thought to himself, grimly, that Sirius had never looked more beautiful.
He had dreamt about this moment for so long.
“Pads? If you’ve snuck a girl in there again, I swear to Merlin I’ll kill you. It’s the second bloody time this week!” Peter’s drunken voice sounded behind the door.
Oh, he thought softly to himself.
He doesn’t like me.
I was just… there.
Anger rushed through him.
How could Sirius do this? He must have known… he must have.
Sirius backed away from Remus and started buttoning his shirt.
As Remus sat there and had this horrifying realization, Sirius fixed his hair in front of the mirror.
Sirius opened the door just slightly enough for Peter to his face. His hair made him look like he had just been shagged.
“Jesus, Pads. Have some manners. I miss the good ol’ cupboard days. You were more civil back then,” Peter said.
Sirius made some snarky comment, but Remus wasn’t listening anymore.
He faintly heard the door shutting again and Sirius came back to him with a grin on his face. It was fake. Remus could tell.
It was as if Sirius had awakened and gotten his act together.
“Could you, maybe, not tell anyone about this, Rem?” he asked as he ruffled his hair awkwardly.
Oh.
“Sure,” Remus said, bitterly.
And then the words escaped his mouth before he could even fully think them through.
“Wouldn’t want anyone to think Sirius Black was a queer.”
“Come on, Moony, you know it’s not like that,” Sirius said and sat down next to him, where he had sat before. His eyes got wide with worry.
“Then how is it, Sirius? Tell me.”
He hated how desperate his voice sounded.
Silence.
“I don’t know,” Sirius eventually said, quietly.
“Fuck you, Black,” Remus said and got up to leave.
Just before the door closed behind him, he heard Sirius pleading him not to go.
He ignored him.
As he left the common room, he could see James heading to the astronomy tower.