A Clandestine Meeting
After two particularly dull days of staying at the Leaky Cauldron, Regulus was already waiting on the platform to go back to Hogwarts. The train was supposed to arrive in a few minutes, and having arrived early he sat on a bench and silently observed his environment.
Having grown up with a mother like Walburga, he very quickly learned that it is better to be silent rather than heard. He became almost invisible, wandering the hallways of his own house like a ghost - unseen and unheard. This wasn’t really a problem for Regulus, being quiet came easily to him. As a rather gifted child, he learned quickly to assign meaning to every motion made by the people around him. He had learned to study them and became a god amongst men - knower of all and known by no one.
The same notion did not apply to his older brother.
Sirius was a bright star. He always was. Never much for following rules, full heartedly believing they were made to be broken. He loved with every inch of his heart and felt everything more powerfully than Regulus could ever know.
Sirius felt everything while Regulus struggled to feel anything, and yet -despite their differences, they were true kindred spirits. When one felt something, he could simply look at the other and he would know instantly what was going on in his head.
All of that changed when Sirius turned eleven. He headed off to Hogwarts and left Regulus behind. He had hoped Sirius would write to him every day, detailing his adventures in great length as he would always do with Regulus whenever they spent the smallest amount of time apart. Maybe if he told him everything he did it would feel like he was right there with him. Right before he left, he planted a kiss on his brother’s forehead and whispered in his ear - “I’ll be back before you know it, and next year you’ll join me. Don’t be all grown up when I’m back, yeah?”, he smiled.
“I won’t be”, he promised.
When Sirius came back, he was too tall for his bed and knew everything there is to know in the world.
He didn’t write every day.
Regulus should have known he wouldn’t.
A part of him thought he would be able to feel whatever Sirius felt simply because they were brothers. He had hoped everything Sirius learned would just naturally be passed on to him. He thought that maybe if he knew everything Sirius knew he could be more like him. One who would rather speak than die.
Sirius eagerly sat Regulus down on his bed and told him everything. About his new friends. Everything he learned in class. Quidditch. The more Sirius spoke, the more lost Regulus felt. For the first time in his whole eleven year old life he felt like his older brother was a complete stranger. He listened carefully to every word his brother said, hoping to milk this new identity Sirius had adapted to himself and know it by heart. He tried to understand what it was like to have friends and be constantly surrounded by knowledge and love. He knew, at eleven years old, that Sirius wasn’t really his big brother anymore. Not in the way he always was. He had found another family, a better family who took care of him and protected him more than Regulus ever could.
All of this didn’t get any better when Regulus sat under the sorting hat, desperately hoping to be sorted into Gryffindor to be with his brother. His brother, who nearly fell out of his chair with glee when it was Regulus’ turn to be sorted. At that short moment, which probably lasted for a few seconds but truly felt like hours, he knew he would undertake any beating or punishment from his mother if he got sorted into Gryffindor. Just for Sirius to keep looking at him like that.
“Slytherin!”, yelled the musty old hat.
Oh.
Oh .
“Sirius, I swear to god”, yelled a deep voice from behind him, quickly waking him from his thoughts. A brown haired boy was chasing after his brother, who stopped dead in his tracks and turned, smiling, when he saw him.
“Heya, Moony.”
“Marriane was looking for you ”, he said, looking clearly annoyed.
“Weird. I broke up with her before break.”
“Then tell her to get off my fucking back. I’m not an owl.”
Sirius whispered something to Remus’ ear that escaped Regulus’ ears, but nevertheless made something falter in Lupin’s expression. It was odd, because Regulus could’ve sworn he was jealous.
As Regulus observed the two, a third party joined them. He hugged Sirius and patted Remus on the back.
“Any of you seen Pete?”, he asked them, that same annoyingly warm grin smeared on his face.
James Potter.
“Haven’t seen him around. He better hurry though, I think we might be leaving soon”, said Lupin.
“Oh, come on. I’m sure he’s off snogging that weird hufflepuff girl he keeps bringing around. Can’t tell you her name to save my life”.
“Do you mean his girlfriend?”, asked Lupin, seemingly annoyed but can’t quite
get the smile off his face. “I think her name is Emmeline.”
“Well, can’t expect me to keep up with every girl dear old wormy brings around. I’m no genius”.
“They’ve been dating for months, Pads”.
Sirius huffed in response, unbothered, and turned to Potter, who was clearly entertained by the whole situation. They both started talking but Regulus wasn’t really paying attention anymore, only focusing on the way Potter leaned his hand on his brother’s shoulder and grinned at him like he was his own. They were always like this.
You see, when Regulus first heard the name James Potter he was ten years old. It was his last Christmas at Grimmauld before starting his first year at Hogwarts, and he hadn’t seen Sirius since the day he left. He thought he would see him when Christmas came around but was instead greeted by a short note from his older brother, that came the same morning of Christmas eve.
R,
Can’t come home for christmas. James and I are planning this huge prank on Slytherin. I’ll tell you when I get home at the end of term.
S
When Regulus came to Hogwarts, he spent months observing James Potter’s every move. He tried to understand what was so great about him, so great that his brother had felt the need to replace him. Maybe if he managed to figure out one of Potter’s secrets, uncover his true and undoubtedly horrible personality he could get his brother back. So he watched, and he watched and he watched.
Watched him practicing quidditch on the pitch for hours before the Gryffindor team was meant to start practicing. Watched him help first years find their way back to their dorms after classes, even if they weren’t in the same house as him. Watched him smile like it was his own birthday whenever any of his friends had birthdays, always the loudest to sing ‘happy birthday’ and the last to let go of a hug. He watched him listen carefully to his brother’s every word and smile fondly at him when no one was looking. Watched him mourn as if the pain was his own when Sirius tried and failed to contact Regulus or got a howler from their mother. It seemed that James Potter, beautiful, kind and annoyingly lovely James Potter, was a downright angel.
Much to his disappointment, he understood that James Potter was everything Sirius made him out to be. His shiny, almost blindingly glowing personality made him the center of every room he walked into. He was never without the same grin on his face, that never failed to make him loveable by (almost) all and got him out of trouble more often than one would think.
It didn’t take long for Regulus to see that James Potter was the polar opposite of him. An open book. A pleasantly lovely ray of sunshine that never failed to warm Regulus, no matter how far away he would sit at the great hall, staring at him, mesmerized. As he grew up, he understood that without exchanging more than a few words with Potter altogether, the boy had made his way into his heart and held a special meaning to him. He wasn’t eleven anymore, but he still couldn't really shake that same feeling which constantly warmed his body whenever he looked at Potter. On some days, he could lie to himself and convince himself he couldn’t figure out what it was.
“Regulus Black, as I live and breathe. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes”.
“Heya, Barty”, he said, rather fondly, as he tore his eyes away from Potter and his friends.
“Are the rumors true? You being kicked out and all?”, he asked curiously as he sat next to him.
“Yeah”.
“Do tell”.
“Later. Come on. We have to go on the train.”
The two made their way to find their friends. Most of the compartments were full of grinning students, eagerly updating their friends about everything that happened during vacation. A few of them stared at him and whispered to each other, mumbling words could not understand but was sure he could guess. He made a note to himself saying that the students who were whispering were all purebloods, meaning the rumor was not fully out to the papers. Only the purebloods knew. He was carefully avoiding the papers these past few days.
They eventually found their friends. Pandora, Dorcas and Evan were having a heated discussion in their compartment and smiled at the two when they made their way in.
“Reg!”, Pandora said before jumping right at him and completely blocking his eyesight. “How’ve you been? Is it all true, what everyone’s saying?”, she asked, breathlessly.
“Yeah. Been staying at the Leaky for the past few days.”
“What happened?”, Evan said, worried.
“Well, mother put veritaserum in my tea the other day. Asked me why I wouldn’t marry a girl of her choice.”
“Shit. I’m guessing that didn’t go well”, Barty said, silently switching looks between his friends, who all seemed to fall silent and looked at Regulus with worried looks in their eyes.
“She didn’t take it very well, as you can guess.”
“I’d imagine”.
Regulus cleared his throat.
“Yeah. But you know what? I would’ve been stuck in that house forever. One way or the other, I’m out now. Free,” he smiled. He wasn’t very sure if he was trying to convince them or himself.
This peaceful moment of understanding was gone as soon as it came. Barty seemed to have other plans. Regulus always liked that about him, he had a spirit that could die out with nothing short of death.
“We should celebrate as soon as we get back. Throw an honest party for you. Might even find you a bloke to snog to put you out of your misery.”
His cheerfulness seemed to have infected the rest of his friends.
“Make her pay for it, Reg”, Dorcas said, eyes bright and grin broad across her face.
“You’re throwing me a party for being outed and kicked out of my house?”
“Hell yeah we are. You know how Gryffindors always throw one before new year’s. We would give them a run for their money. You know, I bet their parties are just them sitting silently and passing a bottle of firewhiskey thinking of how amazing and talented they all are.”.
“Oh, he’s right. We’re going to destroy them”, Pandora said.
“Aren’t you meant to be the voice of reason? You’re a Ravenclaw!”
“Please, Black. She’s an honorary Slytherin and we all know it,” Evan said and winked at her fondly.
“Plus, now that you’re out and about and all we really ought to get you to snog Potter. I can’t watch the ogling anymore. It’s actually excruciating,” Dorcas said.
“For one, I am not ‘out and about’, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, and for the last time, I have no interest in Potter whatsoever.”
“Sure you don’t.”
He narrowed his eyes at her in an apparently failed attempt to look intimidating.
“That look isn't going to work on me, little Reg. You don’t even have to deny it anymore. Just say it.”
“You’re underestimating my ability to lie to myself.” He laid his head in his hands. “Can’t you all go back to planning a party in honor of my disownment?”, he mumbled.
“That we will, Black”, Barty said and excitedly started to throw ideas for the party, and Regulus got lost in his thoughts again as his friends were planning the party of the year.
Thank god for Barty Crouch.
★
Dinner flew right past him. He heard some whispering around him but remained idly ignorant of it, almost bored as he heard all that was being said. Couldn't people just mind their own business? Did they all have to dwell endlessly in his?
He found comfort in his friends, who were still eagerly planning their comeback party to Gryffindor. A comeback to what, he did not know, but he didn’t question it. Slytherin rarely needed a reason to throw a party.
True to his word, Barty spread the word around for all to know. A huge party at the Slytherin common room. Around ten, people started flowing in and joining the party. Booze, drugs, cigarettes and every other excuse for a distraction laid in front of Regulus. After a few shots of firewhiskey he felt himself calmingly distraught and felt free to wander the party.
Some Ravenclaw bloke who very obviously had a crush on him offered him this weird potion he made that was supposed to get you pretty high. Ravenclaws were notorious for throwing the best parties, even though Barty would never dare to admit it. They had a way of orchestrating a party that was indifferent to the commers original houses - you came, you got as high as a bloody kite and had the hangover of your life for the next three days. They just knew how to party.
He accepted and carelessly smirked as Lockhart watched him down the potion, eyes widening and mouth falling slightly open. Regulus had always known people found him attractive, and even if he didn’t feel like it most of the time he knew very well when to use it for his favor.
“See something you fancy?”, he asked, seemingly oblivious.
“Oh, just the alcohol, I guess.” The bloke looked like he was a minute away from exploding.
“Is it?”, he said.
They were snogging in the corner not long after that.
The odd smell of Lockhart’s perfume put Regulus at unease. He put his hands on all the places where they didn’t belong and sucked the bloody soul out of Regulus’ lips. Long story short, Regulus got bored, and he wanted to get the fuck out of there.
Completely intoxicated and freshly snogged he managed to get away from the party. Evan and Barty were apparently both gone for quite a while, undoubtedly snogging in some dark corner. Dorcas was nowhere to be found and Pandora had already managed to befriend a very frightened group of Hufflepuffs that looked like they were about to pass out.
He made his exit swiftly. It was muscle memory by this point, his feet leading him away from the dark dungeons and all the way up into the tower. He vaguely remembered seeing a few giggling Gryffindors on his way up, probably the result of another one of their parties.
The air in the tower was cold and the wind had distraught his curls and made him look younger. If his mother saw him now, she’d have a proper fit. A part of him relished at the thought and another is captivated by the horror of it, but he smiled at it nonetheless. He looked up to the dark night sky and tried to make sense of the constellations. He always did it when he came up there. It was calming. A beautiful habit in the middle of a messy situation. He was still very much drunk and Lockhart’s potion didn’t do his eyesight any good, so he ended up sitting on the cold stone floor of the tower and staring into everything and nothing.
Several minutes passed, and there was a sound of steps made in his direction, followed by a loud curse.
“Merlin. Didn’t see you there”, said someone.
Not someone.
Potter.
“Well here I am, Potter”, he said. This sent him to a giggling fit.
“Reg, are you… high?”, the boy asked as he sat beside him. His face was smeared with that annoying smug grin of his and he seemed very entertained by Regulus’ current state.
“Looks like it. And don’t call me that,” he added, angrily.
“Call you what, Reg?”, Potter asked. He could practically hear the smirk in his voice.
“That. Don’t call me that. Reg.”
Potter sat right next to him, so close that he could smell the alcohol on his breath.
“And why is that?”, he asked, curiously.
“‘Cause you, James Potter, are a thief”.
“Yeah?”, he smiled, leaning closer to Regulus. “How am I a thief, Regulus?”
“You stole my bloody brother, that’s how. And you’re so…”Regulus shook his head and let out a hiccup. He knew he had way too many shots to have this conversion.
“What am I, Reg? Tell me. I need to know.”
God. This isn't happening right now.
“Fit”.
“Fit?”, he repeated, cockingly.
“You always look like you’ve been freshly snogged, you know that? It’s infuriating.”
He laughed. He laughed .
“So do you, at the moment. If I’m being honest.”
“That’s because I am, Potter. Freshly and quite disgustingly snogged. He swallowed me, that one. What’s a guy got to do to get a proper snog out here?”, he slurred, “Barty threw me a bloody party for being disowned and that guy practically devoured me,” his face wore a disgusted look.
Potter laughed again. This time it was genuine, unlike his previous cocky laughter. He laughed with his whole body. It died out after a few moments when Potter had realized what Reglus said.
“Wait a second, go back for me for a second. Disowned? What do you mean disowned?”, he asked. He sounded almost worried.
“Shhhhh, Potter,” he put his hand on the other boy’s mouth to shut him up.
He was so gone.
The boy positively shut his mouth and sealed his lips with a smile. Interestingly enough it seemed as though he was willing to follow Regulus’ every whim. Regulus wondered why he was still there.
“Much better,” he heard himself say.
The other boy’s face was warm despite the cold ruling the astronomy tower that night. He was so warm. Regulus had let himself look up at his face. His tie was loose and his hair messier than usual. He smelled of Firewhiskey and unhealthy decisions. His eyes were stuck, bewildered, on Regulus’ cold lips.
And that was that.
He pulled Potter by his tie and stopped right before their lips met, half aware of the situation.
“You’re pretty”, he heard himself say.
Everything went silent.
Potter’s parted lips took the initiative and gently pressed against his. Gentle and warm, and then firm and aggressive, like he has been waiting for this moment for a while now. As he pulled Potter’s tie to get him further on top of him, the realization made its way into his mind.
He was snogging James Potter.