Consequences
Contrary to popular belief, James Potter hasn’t been in love with Lily Evans for quite a while now.
You see, what no one tells you about growing up is that you learn to see the world for what it truly is before you even notice it. And the hard truth was, he was never really in love with her in the first place.
When James Potter first met Lily Evans, they were both eleven. She had made some careless remark about some dirt he had on his nose and he was, as he truly believed for the past few years, immediately hooked. He now understood that he only really fancied her because she didn’t like him back. She made mean, snarky comments back at him whenever he had arranged one of his infamous displays of public affection and set him straight when he was even slightly in the wrong. He chased and he cherished every bit of her affection and after a while he simply got used to it. Chasing her. It was just one of those things you did every day, like go to quidditch practice or brush your teeth before you go to bed.
After two very excruciating years for thirteen year old James Potter, he gave up. I mean, not entirely - he still carried on with some of his theatrical declarations of love to Lily from time to time, but the spirit of them had become more of a friendly banter than actual romantic attraction.
But of course, it took him a while to understand all of that. He didn't really see it clearly until he caught a glimpse of Mary Macdonald and Lily, who used to sit in the common room together on the weekends and chat for hours upon hours. He made it a habit to notice Lily and everything she did, and at twelve years old knew the meaning of almost every move she made. From watching his parents throughout all of his childhood, it became very clear to him. The meaning of what was right in front of him. And it was, without a doubt - love.
He had prepared himself for the shock, the sense of betrayal that was undoubtedly going to swoop in and overtake his entire body. But it never came. He didn’t feel jealous, or betrayed like he thought he would. He was just… happy for his friend. That simple.
In the middle of fourth year, right before Christmas, Mary and Lily had announced to their friends that they were officially dating. Not that everyone didn’t already know that. He smiled at Lily, seeing the warm grin that was always present on her face whenever Mary was around. It made him warm, but also kind of chilly. A small part of him felt bad for the eleven year old version of himself that truly believed Lily Evans was the girl he was going to marry. But the bigger part, the more important and dominant one of the two, was very happy for them.
James was no stranger to seeing true love. Love was all around him. Sometimes he felt the immense pressure to be loved by all, and more often than he would ever admit to anyone he faked the kindest smiles and did everything he could to be laid on a golden pedestal. But even when he had achieved everything, when he held the Quidditch trophy last year and smiled to the hundreds of roaring Gryffindors who cheered for him, it still didn’t feel as good as he thought he would. He wondered, worryingly, if his only real problem was being loved too much. He knew how that made him sound, but most of the time nothing truly felt enough. Sometimes he wondered if he would eventually kill himself trying to please everyone. Turning around and around on his pedestal, he would fall to his death.
He hoped he wouldn’t.
When James Potter was twelve years old, he sat in his compartment with Remus and Peter and waited for Sirius to show up. They were all having a heated conversation on something he can’t bother to remember when they were interrupted by a grinning Sirius Black.
“Marauders, meet Reg. He’s my little brother.”
“I told you not to call me that,” mumbled the boy. He had the blackest hair James has ever seen and his gray eyes seemed to have a mind of their own, carefully watching everything around him. It seemed like nothing could get past him. The entire world laid bare beneath those eyes. He had a short and lanky figure that would undoubtedly grow taller in the years to come and a soft, porcelain like skin. He looked like an angel. Regulus was soft in all the places Sirius went rough and was firm in all the places Sirius went gentle.
He knew Sirius was pretty, of course. Something as obvious as that could have never gotten past him. He saw the way girls used to stare at him and how they all went silent when he was around. Saw the way Remus used to look at him when he thought no one else was looking, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Like he wanted to consume him whole. Sirius had a rough yet gentle exterior to him that was obviously fascinating to everyone around them, and James was aware of that. But when he hugged him or comforted him when he cried, he never thought of that part of him. Sirius was a brother to him, something familiar and known about the world. The sun goes up at sunrise and down at dawn and James Potter loves Sirius Black. It was that simple.
It wasn’t that simple with Regulus.
The boy frowned at his brother for embarrassing him in front of his friends. The corners of his mouth twitched and he lifted his chin up in an effort to look older, or perhaps more mature.
“James,” he said and reached out a shaking hand, “James Potter.”
“Oh,” Regulus said, clearly unhappy with something. He wrinkled his nose as if he had just smelt something terrible. James tried not to read too much into this and kept his usual wide grin on his face. That grin has never failed to make him likable.
It would seem that Regulus Black was the exception.
“Pleasure,” Regulus said coldly, his expression still harsh and a frown still ruling his gentle face. He lent out his hand, and their arms briefly touched before Regulus pulled his back. His hand was stone cold, but James didn’t mind. He, himself, had always been so warm.
“Be nice, Reggie. They’re my friends,” mumbled Sirius towards him. The two quickly exchanged glances. They never uttered a single word, but it seemed like they had a secret language that no one else in the room was able to understand.
James was awakened from his trance and looked around to see Peter and Remus looking at the younger boy with Sirius in complete awe. Clearly admiring the similarities between the brothers.
“Remus Lupin,” Remus said and offered Regulus his hand. He had a very genuine smile and seemed to have taken a liking to him.
“Oh, so you’re Remus. My brother doesn’t seem to shut up about you”, he said, smirking. This earned him a sharp elbow to his ribs from Sirius.
“Ce n'est pas ma faute tu ne te tais pas à propos de lui.”
The language seemed to easily flow out of his mouth. Like poetry.
Sirius’ face went horribly flushed, and Remus smirked.
He vaguely remembers Peter introducing himself but James had stopped paying attention after that. It took him a few minutes to realize that Regulus had left their compartment.
“Prongs.”
“I’m telling you, he’s asleep.”
“Is not. Prongs!”
“Yeah, mate?” James said, half asleep.
“Told you,” Sirius said and looked knowingly at Remus. “Has practice been rough?”, he asked, seemingly worried, as James was usually a very cheerful morning person.
“Yeah. Yes. Practice. It was brutal,” he said before he could even fully comprehend what was going on around him. He casually mustered up a tired smile that seemed to put Sirius at ease and relaxed the tenseness in his shoulders. Sirius smiled brightly at him and returned to his conversation with Remus. It was half conversation, half heated argument. James couldn’t really tell which of the two it was this time. They had a beautiful rhythm to every small interaction they had, and it seemed like no matter how much time they spent together, they never ceased to get on each other’s nerves and make each other flush in a quite horrible manner.
James returned to playing with the half eaten potatoes on his plate. What Sirius didn’t know is that he had spent the previous night in the company of his little brother. More accurately, he spent the previous night snogging his best friend’s little brother.
God.
He should probably try to explain how this came to be. How he ended up at the astronomy tower last night, making out with Regulus Black. Making out with his best mate’s little brother.
You see, the night had started out as something different entirely. The Marauders were sitting in their dorm and were having a lovely chat when Sirius suddenly jumped out and said - “You know what we should do? We should throw a party.”
Remus rolled his eyes but agreed, and went with Sirius to tell the girls. Contrary to popular belief, Remus Lupin could be the life of the party when he wanted to. He would let Sirius draw a bit of eyeliner on him (he claimed it made him feel like David Bowie) and would get absolutely plastered. He would take charge of the record player and charm it to only play David Bowie, singing at the top of his lungs and smiling when Sirius inevitably joined him. The other houses would call him the casanova of Gryffindor tower. James found it rather hilarious.
He smiled softly to himself as he noticed Peter was watching him.
“You alright, mate?” he asked and patted James’ shoulder.
“Yeah. Sure I am. Why are you asking?”
“Dunno. You seem a bit out of it lately,” Peter said as he looked under Remus’ bed for any remains of firewhiskey from their last party. “I swear it was here before Christmas. I bet Padfoot drank it all. That asshole.”
He didn’t think anyone noticed.
“I’m fine, Pete. Thanks. We ought to go now before Sirius starts drinking, though. You know how he gets when he sets his mind to something. Bloody animal.”
The two went down the common room and James huffed in surprise when he saw what the two had managed to conjure just in those few minutes. One of the study tables was already filled to a brim with alcohol - a few bottles of firewhiskey and some green cans James couldn’t recognize but could only assume were a muggle thing. Around twenty or so Gryffindors were already there, drinking and chatting amongst themselves. From the corner of his eye he noticed a few Ravenclaws going inside and whispering to each other.
Wow.
He really shouldn’t be surprised. Sirius Black would do anything if he set his mind to it. And from the look on Remus’ face, he wasn’t having such a bad time either.
James and Peter quickly joined the party. It wasn’t unusual for Gryffindor parties to occur randomly like this one did. The marauders were mainly the ones responsible for organizing them and Sirius, undoubtedly the CEO of every major Gryffindor party in the last three years, seldom needed much convincing. He liked it all. The booze, the attention, the free cigarettes that would inevitably make their way to him. A party without Sirius Black wasn’t really a party.
The night got hazy after a few drinks, and then someone said - “Hey Potter, how many goals did you score in our last match?”
Oh no.
“Dunno. Guessing it was around ten. Something like that.”
“Fifteen. It was fifteen”, Sirius said, smirking and winking at James from behind his drink.
“Well, it slipped away at the last party, but we should still do it. Got to keep the tradition going, eh?” said Fabian.
The Gryffindor house has had this long lasting tradition that after a successful game of Quidditch, the chaser had to take as many shots as the goals he made in the match. So for James, there would be fifteen shots. Jesus Christ.
“Sure, mate. Lay it on me.”
His friends counted.
“One!”
“Two!”
“Three!”
“Four!”
You get the hang of it.
By the end of the fifteenth shot, he surprisingly didn’t feel like he was about to pass out. Remus looked at him with a mischievous smile and winked. That beautiful bastard. He must have messed with the drinks.
After a few minutes the enthusiasm died down and no one paid much attention to James anymore. Usually it would have bothered him, but lately he doesn’t even seem to care. All he knew is that right now he wanted to be anywhere else but here.
So that’s how a very drunk and giggling James Potter ended up at the top of the astronomy tower. He spent an embarrassing amount of time trying to open the handle and just as he was about to give up he leaned on the big wood door and it just opened.
Huh.
Later he would think it was some clue the universe was sending him. That he had to be at the astronomy tower at this exact time, drunk out of his mind and giggling like a lunatic or he wouldn’t have had the same life he ended up living. He would spend a lot of time in the future thinking about this exact moment, when the door suddenly opened and he nearly fell and hit his head but in the last second managed to balance his weight against the cold brick wall. But this James, at that same exact moment, wasn’t thinking about any of that. He just wanted to look at the stars, alone, until he forgot who he was. But the universe, of course, had other plans.
The astronomy tower wasn’t empty like he thought it would be. Another person seemed to have had the same idea.
Oh.
It wasn’t just another person.
It was Regulus Black.
He recognized him immediately from all of those years of staring at him from the other side of the great hall.
He didn’t really think much of it, if he’s being honest. That weird fascination he had with him.
His whole body was used to it by this point. As soon as he sat down at every meal his eyes would automatically wander across the hall and ogle Regulus, trying to capture his true essence, or something like that. On some days he could have sworn that Regulus was already looking at him. He couldn’t really explain it even if he tried.
Regulus has just always been fascinating to him. He was beautiful, of course, but James didn’t think it was just that. It was something else. He felt almost drawn to him, ached to know him and be near him all the time. He tried to ignore it most of the time. But today of all days James wasn’t really thinking clearly. The reasons as to why it was wrong to pursue this weird fascination with his best mate’s little brother seemed… unimportant. They were carelessly pushed to the back of his mind and he heard his mouth open before he could even properly think it through.
“Merlin, Didn’t see you there,” he said. It was better for Regulus to not know how long he was standing there and thinking about this. He wasn’t even that sure of it himself.
“Well here I am, Potter,” Regulus said and started giggling profusely. He was clearly high.
The discourse came easily to James. He had thought it would be awkward, considering how different he was from Regulus on paper.
But it wasn’t.
It was actually one of the easiest and most entertaining conversations he’s had recently.
The flirting and the snarky comebacks that Regulus made towards him were unlike anything he’s ever felt before. It wasn’t even like that when he talked to Lily, back when he still thought he was in love with her.
And then, before he even noticed Regulus’ hand was on his mouth and he was smiling wider than he had in the last few months.
Regulus’ eyes flickered and James could tell he was thinking about something. His eyes mesmerized, stuck on James’ red and swollen lips and his finger gently grazing his skin, half touching and half grasping for the feel of skin.
And then, something in Regulus’ eyes changed. His gaze flickered for a moment to look at James, who was just staring at him in complete awe.
And after that Regulus pulled him by his tie and he could practically feel his heart jump out of his chest. He wondered for a brief moment if Regulus could feel it, too. His lips looked so soft, slightly parted as he looked right into James’ eyes and told him he’s pretty.
And for a second there James thought about his whole life. Memories flashing in front of him like he was on the brink of one the most important decisions of his life, and he knew that what he would do in the next few seconds could have tremendous consequences. He was drunk but also very aware of what was happening.
And to tell you the truth, he couldn’t really remember the last time he did something for himself simply because he wanted to do it. The last time he told someone no because he simply didn’t feel like it. And Regulus’ lips looked soft and his mouth was inviting and the look in his eyes was something out of a bloody fairytale, and for a second James didn’t give a shit about the consequences. He simply wanted to kiss him.
So he did.
Their lips crashed.
It was soft at first but then it all became rough.
He wasn’t sure which of them made it so, but he wasn’t complaining.
All he could feel was Regulus.
Regulus’ hands pushing him down to the floor.
Regulus’ hands strengthening their grip around his tie.
Regulus lips making their way down to his neck and leaving marks that will undoubtedly take days to disappear.
Regulus was everything. Everywhere. Controlling all of James’ senses and at the same time making him feel all of them at once.