Princess' and Snakes
It was the annual Samhain feast or as Haddy calls it the ‘Halloween feast’ and like every year previously, Haddy had inexplicably arrived to dinner in fancy dress. Just last year, Haddy had spent the whole day with transfigured blonde short hair, eyeliner, dressed in a black ruffled blazer and brown baggy trousers wearing a strange contraption hooked round his neck to his mouth that Haddy called a ‘microphone’. When the group first saw him coming towards the breakfast table last Samhain there was around three seconds of shock before they let out a collective sigh, too used to Haddy’s oddness now to seriously question the boy’s outfit. Sitting down next to Tom and asking Orion to pass the croissants, everyone noticed how the blonde to Haddy’s right was scrutinising Haddy’s appearance especially the platinum locks the younger boy was now sporting.
“So Haddy”, Lestrange starts, “Do we dare to ask what your dressed as this year?” he questions with a sneer, likely remembering the outfit the boy came to the Great Hall wearing in his First Year. Which was hardly an outfit at all, merely consisting of a pillowcase and long transfigured ears, apparently it was a political statement against the treatment of house-elves in modern society, all it really ended up being was a lecture on why partial nudity was not acceptable in a place of education.
“You don’t need to ask”, Abraxas retorts strongly, an unreadable expression on his face. He looks around the table, “Is it not obvious?”
The Sixth Year had a deadpan almost sullen expression on his face as he looked towards the distracted Hufflepuff who was now spreading a thick layer of peanut butter over his croissant. Tom was just about to re-warn his followers of the punishment he will inflict on all of them if even one of them upset his boy when Abraxas’ began to beam happily and stare gooey eyed at the Second Year who was now adding tomato sauce on top of the peanut butter.
“He’s a mini me!” the blonde exclaimed, wrapping Haddy up in a sideways hug and ruffling the artificially blonde locks. As if waking up from a dream, Haddy raises his head looking from Abraxas to the rest of the Knights in wide-eyed confusion. Haddy opened his mouth as if to counter Malfoy’s joyous exclamation but Tom managed to clap his hands and get the groups attention before that disaster happened. Abraxas had been aloof with Tom’s boy ever since the ‘Anaemia Incident’ and whilst never outwardly confrontational, Haddy had started to pick up on and become upset by, the aura of distaste that surrounds the Sixth Year when in Haddy’s company. In fact, this is the first time Abraxas had been anything more than distantly polite to the boy in months, typical Malfoy vanity, that only when he perceives Haddy to be honouring him, he changes his tune about the young boy. Tom would not allow anything to infringe on this new-found peace between his most useful follower and his most devoted friend not even Haddy himself.
Abraxas leaves a short while after for transfiguration tutoring but not before giving a final laugh and stroke of Haddy’s hair.
“What was that about? How can I be dressed as a Malfoy, I very obviously am wearing blush, Abraxas is as likely to blush as Edward Cullen is.”
Haddy giggles and looks around at the Knights, as if expecting the others to laugh with him and they might have done if any of them had a clue who this ‘Edward Cullen’ is.
“If not Abraxas, who are you dressed as Haddy?” Cygnus question, leaning round his cousin to get a better look at the outfit, well at least that’s what he told Tom when the older boy glared at him for staring at Haddy’s body.
“Ugh, Felix from Stray Kids, duh.” Harry took a massive bite of his disgusting concoction, slowing his chewing as he realised his friends had no clue what he was talking about.
“Guys! The ‘iconic blonde’ from the MTV music awards. Yanno, the ‘Felix Effect’. The Stray Kids omega! Any of this ringing a bell?”
Haddy looked around the group in shock, kohl lined eyes making him seem even more expressive than usual.
Finally, Tom responded, “Iconic blonde, do you mean Jean Harlow, the muggle actress?”
Multiple Knights subtly grimaced in distaste at the reference to a muggle, what Tom didn’t expect to see was Haddy’s face twisting similarly in disgusted disbelief. For some reason that caused a subtle ache in Tom’s chest, he expected blood superiority from his followers, but he never expected Haddy to…
“Eww Tommy, Jean Harlow is so last century.”
Relief and confusion battled in his mind, relief that his boy did not despise the society Tom was from and thus did not judge Tom for his inconvenient place of birth. Confusion because last Tom checked (less than three months ago), Jean Harlow was the only ‘iconic blonde’ he knew of in the muggle world. Confusion won out and he turned towards Haddy, raising his eyebrows.
“Aww Tommy, your surprised Pikachu face is so cute!”
Not having a clue what that means but sensing that it was demeaning in some way, Tom furrows his eyebrows and turns away from the Hufflepuff, but not before Haddy was able to see the blush blooming across Tom’s cheeks. Haddy goes back to eating his croissant humming happily to himself and every now and again putting his head on Tom’s shoulder, as if he was a pet begging for affection.
That was last year, this year, Haddy seemed to have gone a completely different direction, whilst everyone else wore their school uniform, or the Purebloods wore their everyday clothes that each cost the equivalent of a modest home, Haddy had on a pink, sparkly, puffy, princess dress. The dress was layered and long enough to almost obscure the dainty rose slippers on his feet, whilst the colours were rather garish and bright, it was obvious the outfit was a labour of love and looked to be hand stitched and patterned. Along with the simultaneously cliché yet beautiful dress, Haddy was tastefully made up in a light lip gloss, barely-there eyeshadow, fetchingly rouged cheeks, eyelashes longer than ever and a random beauty mark on his left cheek that Tom knew wasn’t there this morning. Oh, and then there was the honest-to-God tiara perched atop his head.
Tom cringed slightly when he saw that atop this obviously authentic and priceless piece of jewellery, sat a pink shelled Beyoncé, leaving trails of slime all over the diamonds, CeCe was walking alongside the boy occasionally flicking his feet to get rid of the booties Haddy had forced it to wear along with a feathered hat and a miniature fencing sword. Tom didn’t know which part of this image he should tackle first.
“Haddy, where did you find that tiara?”
The Hufflepuff finishes his third twirl before looking at Tom with an expression of incredulous superiority.
“It’s a diadem not a tiara Tommy! Someone needs a lesson in medieval headwear.” Haddy makes a ‘can you believe this guy?’ expression before taking his seat at the table, notably not answering the question, which is concerning in itself.
“Okay...” Tom acquiesces, “and the pink snail?”
“I’m a Disney princess.” Haddy answers as if that explains why his pets are painted and costumed. Tom doesn’t know what pink snails and sword fighting cats have to do with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, but the Slytherin has more important things on his mind than dissecting another facet of Haddy’s eccentric personality.
Halfway through the feast, Tom’s patience ran out and after watching Haddy try to feed his snail mash potatoes for the fifth time, he decided enough was enough and it was time to show Haddy what he had found just that morning. Tom subtly gets Haddy’s attention and motions his head to the entrance of the Great Hall, Haddy (less subtly) responds with an exuberant thumbs up before tripping over his skirts to get of the bench and start walking to the double doors. Tom motions for Orion to watch over the feline and the insect before hastening his stride to catch up with Haddy, reaching him, Tom gently takes his elbow and starts leading him to the Second Floor.
Tom turns to Haddy with probably the most mischievous expression that had ever graced his face, “I have a secret I want to share with you Haddy.”
Initially, Haddy looks extremely excited, clapping his hands together in glee, it takes around three seconds for happiness to inexplicably turn into suspicion.
Haddy lets out a small huff before exclaiming, “If it’s more secrets about blowjobs, you don’t need to worry about educating me, I read a Destiel fanfiction about it so now I’m all caught up.”
Tom comes to a sudden stop in front of the Second Year Girl’s lavatory, making a mental note to find this mysterious ‘fanfiction’ and destroy it for corrupting Haddy even more than Diggory already did.
Shaking his head and focusing back on the task at hand, Tom takes Haddy by the shoulder and steers him into the bathroom and towards the taps, well he would have done if Haddy hadn’t stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw where Tom had led them to.
Putting one hand on his hip and using the other hand to wag his finger in Tom’s direction, “My Daddy taught me about this”, Haddy crosses his arms and pouts at the Fifth Year, “How strange men might take me to private places and try to touch my no-no square.” The boy squints at the older student, straightening his diadem before disappointedly saying, “Really Tommy, I thought better of you.”
Tom clenches his teeth, expelling air through his nose before hissing ‘open’ to the tap revealing the entrance to Slytherin’s greatest legacy, The Chamber of Secrets.
“Whoa” Haddy exclaims staring in awe at where the sinks had turned into a tunnel.
“As you can see”, Tom starts as he walks towards the entrance, “I did not bring you here to discuss blowjobs or any other sexual act, I brought you here to show you the great legacy of my, our family... Welcome, to the Chamber of Secrets”
Tom looks between his boy and the tunnel, knowing the immense amount of pride he was feeling in this moment must be showing through.
“Aww, Tommy”, if Tom knew how to be shy, he would be smiling bashfully at the Third Year, knowing Haddy was about to thank him or praise him for including Haddy in the discovery of such a monumental piece of Wizarding History, a piece of History which Tom’s ancestor created.
“If you didn’t know how blowjobs worked you should have come to me.”
That was not what Tom expected to hear.
Tom turns towards Haddy an expression of incredulity prominent on his face, if he was a lesser wizard, he would have screeched in frustration, as it was, he simply took his infuriating boys hand and lead him down the tunnel stairs he had created instead of the abhorrent germy slide.
The few minutes it took for the duo to reach the main chamber were some of the most mentally excruciating minutes of Tom’s life.
“Mind your footing Haddy, this next step is slippery.”
“The fanfic said that you should tuck your teeth behind your lips and hum.”
“Watch your head on the on the low arches.”
“Remember to pay attention to the gonads, too many people forget to love on the cojones.”
“We’re now entering the main chamber you need to keep your eyes closed until I say so.”
“…but then Dean tucked his thumb into his fist to stop himself from gagging and I thought to myself, that couldn’t be a real thing, so I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and shoved a toothbrush down my throat whilst squeezing my thumb. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, I ended up puking and the Fourth Years had to wake up at two o’clock in the morning to comfort me.”
Haddy finally stops talking, seemingly waking up from his reminiscing and starts looking around himself in wonder.
The Hufflepuff’s gaze flitted between the ceilings, walls and the massive statue of Tom’s multiple time great-grandfather’s head, before he finally stopped and fixated on something just over Tom’s shoulder.
“Whoa, big snake!”
Tom had spent the last few minutes staring blankly at Haddy in morbid fascination, and so hadn’t noticed the giant sixty-foot snake slithering towards them. In the split second it took for Tom to regain his faculties and begin to warn Haddy to close his eyes and back away slowly, the Third Year made a loud ‘eek’ sound and had set of in a sprint towards the oversized and underfed predator. Even for Haddy, the boy who constantly has to be reminded that no, he can’t remove the hands of the students that ‘non-consensually’ stroke CeCe, this had to be a new level of recklessness.
Haddy lands on the creature’s snout with an ‘oof’ sound, wrapping his arms around the snake head and pushing them together in what looked like an attempt to ‘smoosh’ the vicious beasts’ cheeks.
Tom almost faints
“Sweet baby Jesus, this is my Disney Princess moment”, Haddy mumbles to himself before reaching past and under the confused serpents bloodied jaw and vigorously scratching its chin.
The Basilisk goes limp almost immediately, eyes half lidded in bliss, the only movement of its gigantic body being the end of its tail which was rapidly thumping against the ground in excitement.
“Aww, you’re just a big baby aren’t you, you’re so cute, I’m definitely keeping you, yes I am, yes I am!”
The heart attack Tom was sure he was going through mere seconds before seemed to be remedying itself the longer he watched this ancient beast behave like a docile puppy begging for attention from Tom’s boy.
“Oh I know sweetie, this place is too dark and mouldy for a pretty baby like you, come with me, I’ll introduce you to Beyoncé and CeCe, you’re gonna get along so well with my snail I can tell, just don’t be offended by CeCe’s attitude, he’s going through a phase at the minute, teenagers what can you do?”
The mere thought of Haddy releasing the basilisk on the unsuspecting school populous simultaneously filled Tom with dread and intrigue. Dread won out and he hurriedly ordered the basilisk back behind the statue, doing an admirable job of ignoring Haddy’s pleading pout if he does say so himself and proceeding to tidy up the miniscule amount of mess that had accumulated from their short visit.
This little show and tell session had not gone how Tom thought it would, but then again, none of Tom’s plans have been executed perfectly since he met Haddy and to be fair, there’s usually a lot more blood involved when Haddy ruins his plans so, by that rational, Tom would definitely count today as a win.
Taking his boy’s hand, he gently navigates them both back to the surface, noticing Haddy turning around multiple times as if to see whether the snake was following them or not. Finally giving up, the Hufflepuff sighs and snuggles into Tom’s shoulders, his pink dress doing little to keep him warm in the freezing autumn temperatures.
Reaching the top of the stairs and ensuring the entrance was properly closed Tom and Haddy separate to go to their own Common Rooms, only just now realising it was approaching curfew.
Just before Tom reaches the end of the corridor, he turns around and in a very uncouth manner, raises his voice to ask, “Haddy, how come you didn’t use Parseltongue when talking to the serpent?”
Without even looking back, Haddy vexedly answers, “You tell me all the time animals don’t understand Parseltongue Tom! Do they, or don’t they? Pick a side and stick with it!” With that, Haddy flounces dramatically around the corner, the now grimy bottom of his skirt trailing behind him.
If anyone else gave Tom even a modicum of the amount of sass Haddy just gave him, they would be buried in an unmarked grave. As it is, Tom just gave a rueful smile before shaking his head and making his way back to his Common Room. His lack of anger was also helped by the fact that in less than an hour Haddy will be grovelling and apologising for his disrespect when he realises that he placed his beloved pets in the custody of Orion and thus Tom. He won’t let the younger boy simply pout and compliment him to get out of trouble like he usually does, it might have worked every single time before, but Tom will have a backbone this time, he will not give in, Haddy will beg for his forgiveness. Maybe this trip wasn’t so unsuccessful after all.
Thirty-two minutes later and one remark on how swishy Tom’s hair looked today, Haddy left the Slytherin Common Room with a snail, a cat and a self-satisfied grin.