Chapter 17
Regulus
Regulus kept his eyes locked on the page as the sound of footsteps entered the room. He wasn’t even reading anymore, just trying to be invisible. He was good at that, usually.
But he was on edge right now. Had been for most of the day and it had been a really long day. So far, the only reprieve had been finally getting the chance to change into some properly fitting clothes, opting for a blue sweater and grey joggers Remus had picked out. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to settling the nauseating pit in his stomach.
Someone took in a sharp breath and Regulus’ skin began to crawl. They were looking at him, he could feel their eyes roaming all over him. Analysing his features. He clenched his hands around the book but kept his face dead still. Kept the uncaring, unbothered look he’d spent years perfecting, fixed firmly on his face.
You will not react. You will be still. You will be polite.
“He looks just like you,” a girls voice whispered. Nymphadora. Andromedas daughter. Auror.
Just an observation. She doesn’t know anything. Stay still.
“Yeh…” Sirius muttered, “He does.”
More footsteps. Getting closer. Too close. Right in front him.
Regulus forced himself to keep still.
Do not react.
“Hiya, I’m Tonks,” she said in a high cheerful voice.
Be polite. She’s speaking to you. She expects an answer.
Regulus let his head tilt back, not a lot, just enough to take her in. She looked a lot like Bella. He hadn’t seen Andromeda in too long to remember her face, but Sirius said she and Bella could pass for twins. That made sense looking at Tonks, aside from the bright pink hair. She was very clearly a relative.
He’d never met her before, but he remembered hearing about her. Nothing good. Just insults. Slurs. Threats.
She was smiling now. He was glad she got to grow up in a family that let her do that. He didn’t get the same liberties.
“Regulus,” he said curtly, nodding his head slightly.
Tonks’ smile flickered for a second, recognition washing over her as she processed the name. She turned toward Sirius.
“Wasn’t that your brothers name?”
Sirius flinched at the use of past tense, but recovered quickly, nodding.
“A great-uncles and a couple grandfathers too.”
Tonks snorted, “No wonder they all got confused and married each other.”
Sirius barked a laugh and Regulus couldn’t stop the corner of his lip from curling up. The tree was a bit of a circle in some places. Their parents included.
Tonks turned back to him grinning, and Regulus pulled back the shift in his expression before she saw it.
“I’m allowed to make that joke by the way, I’m technically part of the family, Andromeda’s my mum.”
Regulus nodded.
“Sirius probably already told you that though. He also probably already told you, my name. Don’t call me by that one though, I prefer Tonks.”
Regulus nodded again.
“Do you have a nickname? Regulus is a bit of a mouthful. Tonks is technically my last name. I don’t mind Dora though. What about Reg? Lus? Regu? Maybe a middle name?”
Regulus just shrugged.
“You’re a quiet one. Actually, I’m probably just loud compared to you. Mum’s always telling me to try reel it in a little. Oh you’re reading too. My patience is not built for that. What have-”
“Tonks?”
Tonks’ face pinched together and she spun back round toward the door, where Remus and Sirius were standing with who Regulus assumed must be Kingsley, raising her hand to her head in a salute.
“Yes. Sorry. Mission. You-know-who. Sirius. Remus. Sit.”
Regulus chose that moment to return his gaze to his book. He wasn’t part of this conversation. Just here Sirius and Remus both needed to hear this information.
He listened to this shuffle of footsteps coming into the room. Sirius sat beside Tonks, taking Remus’ usual spot, while Remus offered Kingsley the other armchair and transfigured the coffee table into his own.
There was a few minutes of awkward silence, before Kingsley started speaking.
“Well first things first, I’ll go over what happened between Harry,” James and Lilys son, “and you-know-who,” The Dark Lord, “then we’ll discuss the new plan for the summer. Not much has changed yet, since we’re waiting on Fudges response, but things will heat up as we get more information.” More people here.
Regulus did try tuning out the conversation, but it’s a difficult feat when you’re in the room with a group of very rattled and concerned adults talking about the world being plunged into war.
A student was dead. Pettigrew had done it. The Dark Lord duelled Harry. Harry somehow escaped.
“And who else was there?”
“Who do you think? All the fuckers that got out of Azkaban the last time. Malfoy, Crabbe, Avery, Macnair. A couple more but those were the only ones Harry recognised.”
Regulus swallowed. He knew those names too. He also probably would have known the ones Harry didn’t. He’d been one of them after all.
“Oh, and here’s the best part. Crouch.”
Regulus froze.
“Wait I thought he was missing?”
“Confirmed dead now.”
“Voldemort?”
“His son.”
Regulus dropped his book.
But they said Barty was…
“But he’s dead?”
“Crouch smuggled him out. Mum took his place under Polyjuice and he spent the last 13 years under the imperius in the basement going insane.”
Regulus tensed every muscle in his body, trying to control his reaction, forcing himself to contain the gasp begging to come out. He felt sick. And as Kingsley explained further, his stomach cramped even more. Twisting and tightening as he learned the fate of his friend. Someone who less than a week ago he’d been laughing in the dorms with. Playing chess with. Going to class with.
“What did they do with him?”
“Dementors kiss.”
A chill ran down Regulus’ spine, and it took every ounce of self-control he had left to stop himself retching right there. His friend wasn’t dead. Barty’s body was alive, and his heart was beating. But his soul was gone. He’d suffered a fate far worse than death.
He knew that this wasn’t the same Barty he knew. This was someone who’d grown up and gone mad, but Regulus couldn’t get the laughing face of his friend out of his head. That was who he was picturing having his soul sucked out of his body.
Regulus could feel Sirius’ eyes on him but he ignored it. He couldn’t react. Not in front of these people. He refused to let them see him weak. Remus and Sirius were one thing, he was not going to lose that battle in front of complete strangers.
Next, Kingsley started explaining how the plans had changed. The Weasleys would be coming straight away now. Molly and Arthur in a few days, their children a couple days later. Meetings would be held here in Grimmauld Place every week. Missions would start and end here. Healing supplies were to be kept on hand.
It was a lot to hear. It was going to be a lot more to experience. He was itching all over at the mere thought of being forced around so many people all the time. Would he ever get a break? He was already struggling with just Sirius and it’d been one day. This was going to be months.
Really fucked this one up, he thought bitterly.
Regulus didn’t even like sitting in the Slytherin common room for more than a few hours due to the flow of people. And that was the Slytherin dorms. This house was going to be full of Gryffindors bouncing off the walls, screaming and shouting and behaving just like Sirius. He wanted to believe that perhaps a few would be more like Lupin, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
“And Harry? Will he still be coming?”
Silence.
“You’ve got to be kidding?!”
“Sirius it isn’t like-”
“He needs us. The kid just watched Voldemort return. A boy was murdered in front of him.” He spat.
“Yes well we know-”
“You said he was tortured. Have you been under that curse before? He needs someone with him.”
“Pads, maybe just listen to-”
“No!” Sirius shouted, rising to his feet, glaring down at Kingsly. Regulus flinched at the sudden outburst. “They can’t keep him away from me. This isn’t fair. He needs us. He can’t stay-”
“Sirius we are going to keep him under surveillance and-”
Sirius threw his hands up in the air and choked out a bitter laugh, “Right, because surveillance is going to help him cope with the fact, he met his parents as ghosts, is it?”
Silence.
“I can’t fucking believe this.” He growled, causing Regulus to press himself back into his chair at the sound. This didn’t feel like his brother. It sounded like…
Get a grip on yourself.
Sirius dropped his hands on his head and fury slipped onto his face as he began to pace. His footsteps loud, vibrating the room as he stomped across the floor. “Do you realise what they do to him there!? How can you expect me to just sit around here knowing that?!”
“Sirius please-” Remus tried, but Sirius cut him off.
“Don’t fucking defend this, Remus.” He snarled, “You know as well as I do this is bullshit.”
Regulus tried tensing himself up, fighting the urge to react in front of Tonks and Kingsley, but his heart was racing and his body was getting away from him. He was losing control.
Not here. Not now. Not this.
Sirius turned towards Kingsley, but Kingsley stood up to match him.
“Sirius calm down. This isn’t going to help anything.”
“Oh and WHAT?! A little sit down will?! I’m supposed to be with him. He’s just a kid!”
Sirius dropped his hand to his pocket, but Kingsely was faster, whipping out his wand and pressing it against Sirius’ chest.
“Sirius, you need to calm down right now or-”
“Or what?!” Sirius snarled. “This is my house.”
Regulus flinched back.
“This is MY house. You will LISTEN!”
“P-Please… d-dad I’m s-sorry”
“You will be…”
Regulus brought his hands toward his chest, pressing them into each other. He looked out across the room and- Remus met his eye. Regulus gulped back a breath, and Remus’ face hardened.
“Sirius!” He called out, hard and firm, jumping to his feet.
“No, Moony don’t-”
Remus didn’t let him finish, storming over to the two men. He knocked back Kingsleys wand and put himself between them, glaring down at Sirius. “Sit down.”
Sirius clenched his teeth, “Remus what do you-”
Remus stepped closer, forcing Sirius to take a half-step back, and leant down. Whispering something Regulus couldn’t hear. Whatever it was, it made Sirius head turn toward Regulus, and his face dropped, losing three shades of colour.
Sirius stepped back. Then again. Again. And again. And again, until he hit the lounge and collapsed onto it.
“Sorry.” He muttered through clenched teeth, glancing briefly toward Regulus before his eyes landed back on Kingsley, who was still standing beside Remus. “Just… frustrated I can’t help him.”
Remus turned to Kingsley and smiled apologetically, “Perhaps we should end the meeting here, we can contact Dumbledore if we have any more questions.”
Kingsley nodded, “I think that would be for the best. Tonks?”
Tonks stood up, glancing down apprehensively at Sirius, who was now staring blankly off into space, “I’ll see you next week at the meeting yeh Sirius?”
Sirius didn’t answer and she sighed as she stepped toward Kingsley and Remus. “He has a point you know. Harry really shouldn’t be left alone all summer.”
Kingsley took in a deep breath, and looked at Remus, “We will mention it to Dumbledore.”
Remus nodded, “Thank you. I’ll see you both out.” He gestured for the door and the three of them started filing out.
“Bye, Regulus,” Tonks waved as she exited, while Kingsley gave him a nod. Regulus forced himself to nod back.
Be polite. Be good.
Remus was the last to leave, but made sure to give Sirius a look that rivalled Walburga’s.
Then they were gone.
Regulus gasped, exhaling a loud heavy breath and falling forwards, leaning over himself. Clawing at his shirt as feeling returned to him. It wasn’t a pleasant reunion.
Breathe, they’re gone now, relax
He tried. He really, really tried, but it was too late. It was too much. Pandora. Barty. The order. Harry. The plans. Sirius. His throat was closing, and his head was pounding. There was a rushing in his ears, everything was too loud. It was getting louder.
No, no please. Stop this.
His clothes were shrinking, squeezing him and cutting into his skin. The fabric, scraping across him like sandpaper every time he shifted as the lights burned down, stabbing through his eyes. He tried to push the sensations away, but that was a mistake. He pushed too hard. He pushed himself off the edge.
Wait. No please. Stop.
He was falling. The world was shrinking fast. He was losing himself. He was falling inside his mind. He couldn’t stop it. He was trapped. He was going to disappear.
What’s wrong with me?
---
Sirius
People had been calling Sirius the same things his entire life. His family were the biggest culprits. He didn’t let it bother him when it came from them, but it did when it came from the people he cared about.
“You’re selfish. You only think about yourself. You’re stupid. You’re careless.”
Everyone had their moment at least once. James. Regulus. Marlene. Lily. Mary. It always hurt, but never as much as it did when it came from Remus. That was its own special breed of pain because he knew that James would forgive him. He said it back to Regulus. The girls he convinced himself he could live without if need be. But Remus? Disappointing Remus was like a knife to the chest.
“Stop acting like a fucking idiot, you’re scaring your brother.”
Sirius head swirled to the side because surely not. He couldn’t be. He wasn’t- oh but he was.
It was subtle, but Sirius could see it clear as day. The way he was pressing his hands together. The distant look, growing in his eyes. He’d been worse, but that didn’t make this good.
Oh…
Sirius looked back at Remus. Now he could see the anger in his eyes, and he only had himself to blame for putting it there. Suddenly Remus was too close. Glaring down at him and radiating fury. He stepped back. And he kept stepping back until he was sitting on the lounge.
He glanced over at his brother, but he couldn’t hold his gaze. He’d done it again. After he’d sworn he wouldn’t.
What’s wrong with me?
“Sorry…” He muttered, trying to shoot an apologetic look to Kingsley. “Just… frustrated I can’t help him.”
He didn’t look for his reaction, instead zoning out the moment the words left his mouth.
Why do I never learn…
He did this every time the anger bubbled up. He let it out. Fought and screamed and turned it against the people around him, punishing them with his feelings. It wasn’t Kingsley’s fault. He was just the messenger trying to help update them on the situation.
Lashing out was his thing. He hurt when he was hurt and there were always unintentional casualties.
Distantly some chatter continued but he gave it no attention. He wasn’t on edge anymore; he was pretty sure he’d fallen off.
Today had been disaster after disaster and he’d just proven he couldn’t be trusted to react properly. What was he gonna do when Remus had his next mission? What if they started getting longer now? He wasn’t going to make it through this without him.
And now Harry wasn’t even going to be coming? The Dursleys were horrible people, easily on par with his own family and Dumbledore was sending Harry back to them after experiencing what was probably going to haunt him for the rest of his life? He’d watched his classmate get murdered. He’d been tortured. He’d watched the rebirth of Voldemort and barely escaped with his life. What game was Albus playing?
Sirius could manage not seeing Harry. It was awful and it sucked but he could manage if it was truly the best thing for him. This was not the best thing for him. This was just about the worst thing for him. He knew firsthand how hard it was to live with people like the Dursleys and he knew a hell of a lot about grief.
At best, this wouldn’t be good for him and at worst… What if he became like Regulus?
No that… that won’t happen.
But what if it did? He had a lot pushing him that way and very little holding him back. It was a miracle that Harry wasn’t dangling by a thread after everything he’d been through. He supposed the Weasleys were to thank for that. Sirius grimaced. Harry grew up in a house that showed him the same sort of love Walburga and Orion had shown their children. James would have been an incredible father, but instead, Harry had like Weasleys like Sirius had the Potters. Ron was to Harry what James was to Sirius.
And Harry doesn’t even get the option of running away…
He felt the lounge shift under him as Tonks stood up, aware she was saying something but didn’t take anything in. He had too many trains of thought rushing past one another right now.
Worried about Harry. Frustrated with Dumbledore. Stressed about Regulus. Angry with himself.
He heard footsteps and glanced up just in time to see Remus’ glaring at him furiously.
I deserve that…
His eyes lingered as Remus disappeared through the door. He added disappointed with himself to the list.
Remus was as calm as they came. His mum taught him how to be that way and it seemed age was only making him wiser.
As age just makes me crazier
He added self-pity to the list.
Part of him knew that wasn’t true. He was far more mellow than his younger self, but his temper was still nothing to be trifled with. When he saw red, he made everything red. It took him a little more to get to that point these days, but it seemed that didn’t change what happened when he did.
Now Regulus was caught in the crossfire.
Shit, Reg.
Sirius snapped his head sideways and-
Shit.
“Reg stop!”
Sirius leapt out of his chair, almost jumping over at his brother.
Regulus’ hands were curled into claws. He’d lifted the hem of his sweater. His nails were digging into his side, tearing apart the healing cuts there. His face was blank as he did it, staring off like nothing was happening as he ripped through the skin and red stained the hem of his grey pants.
“Regulus! Stop that!”
He grabbed for his brother’s wrist, yanking it back from his bloody wounds for the second time that day. He expected resistance, but this time Regulus didn’t fight it. His arm went limp and he showed no sign of realising he’d been stopped.
Sirius chest tightened. Did I do this?
“Reg? Regulus?”
His brother didn’t react. He didn’t so much as blink. He looked dead. He didn’t even look like he was breathing.
No, no, no.
“Reg? Reg? Answer me? Reg? What’s wrong? Reg?”
He fought every instinct to shout, to make his brother listen because he wasn’t moving. He wasn’t there.
“Reg? Please? You’re scaring me. Regulus?”
Sirius dropped to his knees, straight onto the lounge beside his brother. He held his bloodied to the side, and placed his other hand on his shoulder.
“Reg, it’s ok. I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. Please. I’m sorry.”
Regulus showed no flicker of life and Sirius’ body started getting lighter, fuzzier. His eyes going in and out of focus.
I’ve done this. I made him like this. I hurt him. I scared him.
“R-Reg?” He croaked. “I’m s-sorry.”
“Sirius? What’s going on? I can smell-” Sirius heard Remus footsteps come to an immediate holt at the door. “Shit. What did he do? What happened?”
“I-I… I d-don’t,” he stammered. “M-Moony w-what do I d-do?”
Remus didn’t answer and that only served to push Sirius deeper into his panic.
I did this to him. This is my fault. This is all my fault. I did this.
“Reg? Reg? Regulus? I’m sorry. Reg, I’m sorry. Please, Reg. Please.”
Sirius leaned forwards, wrapping his arms around his brother. This was the second time. They’d already done this today. Why was it happening again? What was wrong with him?
Regulus didn’t make a single movement. His body was completely limp. Sirius could barely make out the slight rise and fall of his chest.
“R-Reg, I’m s-sorry. Please, I’m s-so sorry. I’m an i-idiot. I’m sorry.”
Sirius felt like he was cradling a doll. Regulus was so out of it, he could have been sleeping. He wished he was sleeping. This wasn’t right.
“R-Remus? H-Help me. W-what do I do?”
What do I do? How do I fix him? Help me. Help me.
Sirius used to know what to do. When Regulus would come to his room upset or silent after receiving a punishment he hadn’t been able to stop. He’d always known how to his little brother feel safe back them. Hold him, reassure him, distract him with a story. It always worked back then, but now? He didn’t know what would work.
Because that was before. That was before they’re parents split them apart and they stopped trusting each other. It was back when Sirius was someone that Regulus felt safe around, but now… now Sirius reminded him of someone who haunted his dreams.
“Reg, it’s alright. P-Please I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I’m s-so sorry bud.”
What is wrong with me?
Sirius felt the lounge dip behind him, and Remus was suddenly pressed against his back, snaking his arms around Sirius’ waist.
“It’s alright, Pads. Just keeping doing this. Keep doing this.” Remus whispered as he rested his chin on Sirius’ shoulder. “We just have to be patient.”
“B-But… h-he’s not…”
“It’s alright. He’s gonna be okay. Just breathe.”
Sirius tried. He gasped in and gasped out. Sucking in whatever air his lungs would allow him.
“M-Moons I’m s-so s-orry. I d-didn’t think and n-now.”
The arms around Sirius waist tightened, “It’s alright, Pads. We have him. He’ll be alright. I’m here.”
“I’m sorry Reg... It’s…” Sirius closed his eyes and pulled his little brother closer. “You’re safe here. I promise you’re safe with us, Reg.”
Please be okay. Please be okay.
Sirius let everything drop out of his mind. Everything but Regulus, because Regulus needed help. Maybe there were other people in the world better suited to the roll. There were definitely people with more experience. But they didn’t have those options.
“I’m here for you, Reg. I… I-I love you… I promise I really do.”
I really, really do Regulus. Please, I really do.
Remus spoke up, “Reg? It’s just Remus and Sirius. Just us. You’re safe here, no-one is going to hurt you.”
Sirius swallowed. Listening carefully to Remus words, letting his soothing voice wash over him.
“We’re just in the living room. Just at home. It’s nearly time for bed.”
Sirius almost felt like Remus was talking to him as much as he was talking to Regulus.
Just at home. I’m with Moony. He’s right here with me. I’m going to be alright.
“It’s a little cold in here right now, can you fill the chill?”
Yes. I can feel it. But you’re warm. You’re with me.
“You’re safe here, Reg. Completely safe. Do you remember your book? It’s just here on your lap.”
Remus voice kept whispering and Sirius listened closely. Occasionally muttering his own “You’re safe,” or “I’m here,” to Regulus and himself. It was going to be alright. Regulus was going to make it through this and so was he. Everything was going to end up okay.
Sirius didn’t let go of Regulus, but the feeling started returning to his arms. The tingling stopped and his vision wasn’t drifting in or out anymore. His breathing wasn’t so strained anymore, and his heart was slowly starting to beat back to its regular rhythm.
“This is going to pass, Reg. We’re going to wait with you. Can you feel Sirius’ shirt? It’s nice and soft isn’t it.”
Sirius tilted his head to the side, letting it rest against Remus’.
I love you so much
---
Remus
Remus Lupin was just like any other four year old little boy. He loved helping his mum in the garden and chasing all sorts of colourful birds and pretty butterflies when they flew by. He loved listening to his dad tell him bed time stories and teach him all about the stars in the sky. He was a happy boy, an easy child, full of fun and laugher, the light of the Hope and Lyall Lupins lives.
Remus had lots of friends in the nearby village and loved when his mum let him go off on adventures with all the other kids to fight dragons and discover new lands. His favourite dinner was ‘pasghetti’ but his favourite food was ‘chocit’. He was fascinated by ‘aminals’ but he didn’t like ‘siders’. And his mum and dad said he was the best hugger in the whole world.
But Remus Lupin was not like every other five year old little boy. He spent most of his time in bed, his body too tired and sore to go outside with his mum. His dad didn’t tell him bedtime stories and he hated looking at the night sky. He was a sad boy, a difficult child, tired and always weeping, a dark cloud hanging over Hope and Lyall Lupins lives.
Remus didn’t have any friends and they didn’t live near a village. He wasn’t allowed on adventures and all talk of creatures made him feel sick. His favourite potion was essence of Dittany but his favourite spell was brackium emendo. Animals didn’t like coming near him and he was absolutely terrified of dogs. His mum and dad still said he was a good hugger, but he wasn’t the best anymore.
A lot had changed for Remus between the ages of four and five. At four he spent the scary nights curled up in mums warm arms as she cuddled him and told him it was just a dream. At five he spent the scary nights locked in a dark, cold cage, hallowing in pain all by himself as every bone in his body snapped. At four the scary monsters were in books. At five a scary monster slept in his bed.
He was quiet and grew to like keeping to himself. He missed playing with other children and talking to people he met, but he came to accept that wasn’t the life he was going to lead. Only his mum and dad talked to him after he turned five, even his healer didn’t say anything besides incantations and nasty words. He liked listening to music and his mum helped him read. He made lots of drawings and paintings with his mum too. His dad was at work a lot.
Sometimes Remus smiled, he didn’t have the energy to do it very often but it made his mum happy. He always liked making his mum happy. She cried a lot after he turned five.
Loud noises made him jump. Shadows made him want to hide. He was nervous when people came to the house, he was always on his best behaviour to make sure no one figured out why his body was littered with scars. Sometimes the men his dad worked with visited and said things that made Remus’ feel tight. Books used the same words too.
By the time Remus was eight, his tummy felt twisty and turny most days. He had bad words in his head so much that he forgot what it was like to think good things. Remus found it harder and harder to breathe everyday and his chest was always heavy and cold. Most nights, Remus hoped he wouldn’t wake up in the morning. He told his mum that before bed one evening. Remus had only seen his mum cry that much once before.
Things got better after that.
Remus learned how to make his skin stop scratching when his brain went all fuzzy. Hope taught him what to do when his tummy started aching. It wasn’t like potions and spells, but it helped make his chest move again when it got stuck.
“I know it’s scary, but mummy’s here alright. I’ve got you Remus. I love you.”
“You’re so brave, sweetie. Can you feel my hands? They’re lovely and warm aren’t they.”
“Can you hear the birds, Remus? Look at all their colourful feathers. You’re so strong.”
When Remus turned eleven, his life changed again. He’d never thought he would get to be a real wizard like his dad, but he was being given a chance and he would be damned if he didn’t make the most of it. His parents constantly told him how lucky he was, and he swore he would make them proud.
He wasn’t expecting the feelings he had at height to come back as strongly as they did when he first came to Hogwarts, but they did. Being around so many people, trying to hide his secret from the boys in his dorm. It was scary, but he was a Gryffindor and he fought against it head on. They never fully went away, but the time between incidents grew and he found a happiness he never thought he would ever get.
James Potter helped him accept the care people gave him. Peter Pettigrew helped him feel safe to be himself. And Sirius Black? Well Sirius Black made him feel like anything was possible and helped him see himself in a way he never thought he would.
Life didn’t always treat Remus well, and he wasn’t naive enough to believe he was exactly like everyone else. He was lucky to get the opportunity to become a real wizard and he worked hard to make sure he was the best wizard he could be. Sometimes that meant he fell into darkness a little more easily than his friends, but thanks to Hope Lupin, Remus always knew how to find the light.