living death
Days passed. The same procedure every day. Sirius waking up. Sirius eating. Sirius sleeping. Nothing happened. Nothing changed.
If was right it was the 11th november 1981. And if I was right about that too- it was a full moon. And that means that Remus was alone. All alone. No one was left. James is gone. Peter is gone. I left him. It was my fault. all . my . fault. my fault my fault. my. fault.
I had been in here for a week and a day..if my counting was right. The days passed with nothing happening. Just memories haunting me. Memories I thought I forgot.
It was awful just laying on the ground thinking about Remus. The old memories hurt. They weren't happy. Although they should be. All those things and dates we did together all those happy times were filled with a grey dark shadow.
I thought about how I would always lay in his lap and he would stroke my hair while reading a book. I smiled and layed my head back on the wall. I could feel him stroking my hair whispering 'I love you' in my ear and smiling. I focused on thinking about his smile. I felt my heart beating again. I felt the pain from the wounds on my leg. I felt my fingers again. It started warming up my body.
I was shocked first. This could happen here? I knew soon there will be dementors. So I started drinking in all of that in. Remus eyes. Remus smile. Remus beautiful scars. I smiled clinging myself to this ine memory. My eyes flickered open and the warmth was gone.
My eyes met the creepy empty holes where eyes should be. The giant dementor was looking at me. I gulped and looked away. Please go away go away. I prayed he would just leave me alone. The air went sharp cold. I couldn't breath and turned around. The dementor was clinging to the bars on my cell and breathing a long breath. I grabbed my coat and covered my face. Leave me alone leave. me-
The dementors weren't allowed to go inside. But they could reach and pull the prisoners closer. This is what happened to Sirius. He nearly lost his soul for thinking about Remus. And he would do it again.
Gasping for air my eyes opened only half way. The dementor was gone but the cold still crawled up my bones. It was even more freezing than before. How long have I past out? Was it already midnight? The next day? I breathed in the salt water tasting air. I should try to sleep..
But I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. It wasn't bright in here but that wasn't the problem. I knew that Remus would go through a lot of pain without any help. He would have to face it alone after 6 years with his friends. Warm burning tears rolled down my face freezing at my chin. I couldn't see the moon. But I knew it was there. I felt it.
But I was locked up here because my best friend betrayed me. I didn't do it. I FUCKING DIDN'T DO IT. My anger got a hold of me and I hit the wall. "I'M SORRY REMUS". I couldn't help him. another hit. I should be with him now. another hit. I should be there for him- another hit. I-I promised him.
My hand was already bleeding. I promised. I crawled back into my corner putting my face in my hands. I promised him. I promised. More hot tears ran down my face. I sobbed loud and cried. "I'M SORRY REMUS I TRULY AM!-" , my voice broke, "I'm sorry Remus. I'm so fucking sorry". I could only whisper the last words. My voice wasn't used to talking anymore.
I stared at the black ceiling. Somewhere there is the moon tonight. And I am not with Remus. I couldn't protect him. I couldn't be there for him. He would be all alone. No one could be there for him. James was dead. Peter is a fucking traitor. And it's my fault. I'm such an asshole.
"Fuck you Sirius. You and you're fucking shit promises you don't keep! You told me you'll always be there for me. You're such a disappointment. Such an asshole. Such an awful husband!"
Tears ran down Sirius face. He took James face in his hands and stroked through his hair. Hot tears droped down on James cold face. Sirius clinged to him. "James..." He sobbed louder, James cold body on his knees. Sirius didn't move from this position for 10 minutes. Tears running down and landing all over James face.
Still crying he closed James eyes and mouth. It looked like he was sleeping. Sirius sobbed and tried to hold it back tried to get up. James was gone. Gone forever. And there was nothing Sirius could do. And he knew it.
I screamed and opened my eyes gasping for air. N-No..oh m-merlin c-calm down- it was just a dream Sirius. A dream. His shocked eyes staring at the ceiling. I gulped down my tears. It was midnight. I knew that for sure. He was alone now. Completely alone.
No James, No Peter, No me. No one could be there for him. I could feel that my whole body was sweating. My eyes took a moment bevor adjusting. I looked out for dementors but I couldn't make anything out. It was already night. I should try to sleep again...I closed my eyes to also hold back my tears.
I started crying again. I couldn't help it. James dead face, Remus in pain alone... I screamed. As loud as my voice could take it.
I lost everything.
My Prongs.
My Lilyflower.
My Prongslet.
My husband.
My best friend.
My brother.
Everything. Everything I ever cared of.
My body was already done. It was over. They won. I started sobbing and crying even harder than yesterday. Tears and tears until the next morning.