first night
TW: self harm, scars
Dear Moony,
It's Halloween and I'm alone since you're...out...anyway I'm going to visit Pete so we'll have some fun I guess...which is pretty hard those times but I'll always try...see you around
I love you till the end of my live, mon amourPaddy
Sirius lied the note down on the table in Remus and his apartment. He sighed looking out of the window. His grey eyes scanning the street down before put on his leather jacket. Sirius took his keyes and went out. He walked down the street turning his head and grabbing his wand inside of his jacket. Rough times...
"Pete? Pete are you here?" Sirius knocked on Peter's little apartment door. 'Where the hell is he?', he thought while looking around. "Pete?! I thought I come over or somethi-". With a awful quietly creak the wind opened the door. Sirius noticed a vase lying broken on the floor. 'Huh?- shit did something happen?'
Sirius went inside wand up breathing hard. Peter wasn't there. Sirius searched the whole place hoping to find something...'Someone took them? Did they got a visit from- oh no oh no oh no please not!' Sirius turned around and ran.
The cold air froze his lungs but Sirius kept running home. Godrics Hollow was far away. He needed his motor bike. When he finally arrived he jumped on his bike and kicked it on immediately. It road loud and soon Sirius was flying trough the cold night on Halloween 1981.
He knew he was to late when he arrived. He saw the huge hole in the wall of the house where the curse went wrong. Sirius felt tears in his eyes staring at the house for some minutes before he walked inside.
"J-James?", his voice was unwell and raspy. "P-Prongs?" 'Please be alive I can't-'. Sirius grey eyes found the feet on the staircase. "No!", his voice broke tearing up even more. He sprinted over there and saw James lying on the ground mouth wide open fear in his eyes and his broken glasses next to him.
With a high pitched loud sob I opened my eyes. I felt like 10 dementors watching me eating my dreams my thoughts dragging me towards the void. How easy it would be to give up..just fall down just sleep for eternity. No one would give a damn anyway...right? I killed him...right? I could still see his brown eyes shocked cold dead. And his hair black like my last name and awful like always.
"Don't give up just yet. I know you did an awful thing but it's been a month and even Remus has started forgiving you. Don't please I need you. Remus need you. We all need you."
I grabbed the bars of my cell. I won't go. My eyes opened and I stared at the 10 dementors around me. "Y-You will never get me-". I got back on my feet and stumbled back to my corner. So that's how nights will go huh..? My hands drove through my hair and my eyes filled up with tears.
Just let me fucking die. Why would I live anyway? James is dead. Lily is dead. Harry will grow up hating me. Remus hates me most likely. My mother- uh wait why did I care about that..- everyone thinks I'm a cruel mass murderer. And a death eater. And a traitor. And it was all Peter and not me.
I grabbed something in my cell. I studied it and stroked over the sharp edge with me thumb. It was an extraordinary sharp stone. I looked at my thumb. Some blood appeared. This brings back memories. When I was 13 I used to cut myself with things to hold out the pain from my mother's crutiatus curse and sometimes my father's. It didn't work well but I was pleased with it.
I felt cold and looked up. A dementor looked at me. Creepy with there black skin covering every part of the face but the mouth. They dont have eyes. They see with feelings. My head fell back to the wall. Exhausted and with awful thoughts about younger me I fell asleep.
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My eyes flickered open. Surprisingly I didn't dream anything. Or I just couldn't remember. My neck hurt from the position I fell asleep last night. When I moved my hand I felt a weird pain and looked down in my hand. Apparently a stone fell into my hand why I was sleeping. And now it cut my hand.
I sighed. Another scar..I used to do self harm. And some of the wounds from my mother left scars too. I pulled up the trousers and stared at the scars on my leg. Short small white lines. Not like Remus'. He had long deep scars white lines all over his body. So beautiful. My beautiful Remus.
A slight smile appeared on my lips. Remus was the only one who knew it. He saw it once while I cried in the bathroom with blood on my hands and a knife in my hands. He helped me recovering back then. But he wouldn't care much now right? Right. He would probably encourage me.
I pressed sharp edge deep into my leg. It hurt. It bleeded. I pulled the stone from my knee to my ankle. A long small slash. Some parts started bleeding. I did it again. And again. And again. The anger inside me roared while I cut and cut and started crying. Soon I couldn't see anything because of the tears.
I dropped the stone curling up in my corner. It didn't help. It never did. But the the thing is in that moment I just didn't care. I may sound crazy. Maybe askaban already did something with me.
"Shit James I miss you" and with that I lost it and the tears ran down my face faster than I could think. My whole body was done. My leg burned, my head pumped and I couldn't hold in my tears. It was over. I started sobbing and crying like I never did before.