Regulus felt his stomach twist when he noticed his father’s car parked at the field.
“Reg?” Felix asked, throwing an arm around the boy, noticing how he stood frozen.
“Hmm?” Regulus called turning to look at his friend.
“Something’s bugging you” he said with a small smile shaking Regulus.
Regulus let out a small laugh, if not to do anything but distract him from the imposing shadow of his father’s car and his father’s silhouette which was leaned up against the door on the phone.
“That’s my dad” he said in a hushed tone jutting his chin towards the car.
“Oh, that’s exciting” Felix replied genuinely, as the boys walked towards the benches.
Regulus furrowed his brow. He wasn’t sure why that would be exciting. But he didn’t want to give himself away. He didn’t want anybody thinking that he was such a horrid son that it had created incredible strain on his entire family dynamic. He tried his best, which somehow only made it more shameful. Sirius didn’t try at all, in fact he deliberately disappointed their parents, he made decisions that he knew would bother them. Regulus tried his best to behave, and to follow orders, and despite all of his effort, he was always coming short.
Felix noticed that Regulus hadn’t said anything.
“Well, he’s back from his business trip then, right?” He asked, raising a brow.
Regulus furrowed his brow farther before remembering the string of lofty lies he had told his teammates to get rides to practice and to games. He nodded.
“He’s back for a little while, but not long”
“Will he be at the game Sunday?” Felix asked “I’m sure once he sees how brilliant you are he’ll buy you a better pair of boots” the boy smiled nudging his friend as they sat on the turf changing their shoes. Regulus was resentfully wearing a pair of his brother’s friends' old football boots. James Potter’s. They were incredibly beat up, and Regulus hated owing James anything- Even if James was incredible at football, witty, and clever. Regulus hated him anyway.
“Maybe” Regulus said quietly, wishing he’d never lied to Felix, it made him anxious, keeping up with all the lies he's told.
“Aw don’t be so down Reg I’m sure you’ll play great” Felix assured “you might even play better with someone there to watch, I always play better when mum shows up” he added.
Regulus nodded absent mindedly, humming and wordlessly agreeing with whatever Felix might be saying.
“Oi, Reg '' The boy huffed, snapping his hand in front of Regulus’ face.
“Hmmm?”
“Pay attention to me!” The boy cried, grabbing his water bottle, he pointed it towards the shorter boy, and shot water at Regulus’ face, prompting immediate laughter.
Regulus lunged across Felix’ body grabbing the water bottle from the boy's hand, pointing it back at him before drenching his entire jersey.
“You’re in for it Black” Felix exclaimed.
Regulus gave him a slightly manic smile as he started to run away. Felix caught up, grabbing Regulus by the jersey and tugging him to the ground.
Regulus squirmed underneath Felix’ hold until the bottle was empty, and the latter offered his hand.
Regulus grabbed it, but only to pull Felix into the ground.
“You’re the worst” Regulus muttered standing up.
“Whatever you have to tell yourself” Felix replied, following suit.
The boys began traversing the field, to the opposite side where the cars were parked. Regulus felt dread bloom in his stomach, he’d hoped his father had been too busy with the phone call to notice whatever had just happened. But Regulus technically hadn’t broken any rules. He was just playing football. They all knew he was on the team. He wasn’t doing anything wrong (so why did he feel like he was?).
“It’s cold,” Regulus said, wrapping his arms around himself.
“That’s cause you’re soaked through” Felix snorted.
“Whose fault is that!” Regulus complained.
“Well, you should’ve brought a sweater,” Felix countered.
“My mum thinks hoodies are improper clothes, and I will not wear a turtleneck to practise,” Regulus said with a laugh. Felix made him laugh, it was warm, and nice to be around someone who didn’t worry that he was fragile, or breakable. Regulus still felt seen despite Felix knowing nearly nothing about what happened in Regulus’ life outside of football.
Felix snickered “I’d pay to see you warm up in a cable-knit”
“You’re such an arse” Regulus replied, shivering slightly as a gust of wind blew at the boys.
“You can take my sweater home, it is my fault that you’re drenched” Felix offered, grabbing his hoodie from the fence it hung on.
Regulus knew he should say no. But he wanted to take it, besides Felix was stubborn, and he’d ask if Regulus refused.
“Okay” Regulus said with a small smile tugging at his lips. He broke eye contact with the brown-eyed boy as quickly as he could. For some reason, Felix’ gaze felt intense today, and it made Regulus shift his weight uneasily.
“Mckinnon, Black” Their Coach called.
“Aye aye captain!” Felix replied, spinning on his heel.
“Good job today boys, we’ll see you Sunday” He smiled waving at them.
Felix grinned “He loves us” he laughed gesturing over his shoulder.
Regulus nodded, his smile though was tight, and forced, as he walked closer and closer to his father’s car.
“Take the sweater off,” Orion demanded as Regulus slid into the backseat.
Regulus nodded, pulling it off of his head as if it harboured some sort of illness in the fabric. He felt as though his stomach was contracting in on itself. Why did he have to take the sweater off? Orion didn’t care what they wore usually. It was his mum who was all fussed about appearances, (and obviously hoodies are for miscreants).
“Stay put” The man commanded, getting out of the car.
Orion left for maybe fifteen minutes, and Regulus couldn’t see what was going on. He sat with the hoodie across his legs, holding it close to him in the cold of the parked car. His knee bounced up and down in anxiety. When his father returned, he was quiet. He opened the door to the back of the car, which caused Regulus to flinch away, the sudden movement surprising him. His father snatched the hoodie and Regulus’ drawstring bag, tossing them into the passenger seat. He slammed the door shut on the drivers side so heavily it shook the car.
The sound of the ignition came before Orion said anything. Regulus was waiting anxiously for his father to say something. To yell about his unbecoming behaviour. To complain about wasting his day driving his son to practise. To say anything.
Next was the hum of the air conditioning, which was blowing at full strength, the car was far too cold for mid-November, and a traitorous and victimising part of Regulus' brain wondered if his father had done it on purpose to make him colder.
Orion turned the radio on to one of those AM station's that played classical music that could only be heard out if you were to strain your ears and shut your eyes. Regulus however, only ever heard static noise that created an eerie sort anticipatory feeling.
“Dad” Regulus started quietly breaking the silence far earlier than he'd hoped he would.
Orion shook his head back and forth. His thin chapped lips were pulled in a tight line, and his gray eyes were even emptier, and colder than usual.
“But-” Regulus began, anxiety fluttering in his heart, sending it shooting throughout his blood stream.
“No,” the man snapped, a stern finality in his tone that made Regulus conflicted.
Before his conscious could kick in, Regulus tongue was moving again. “What was going on-”
“Regulus Arcturus, I said no” Orion said, his tone was icy and precise. It was scary when Orion spoke in such a manner, far worse than when he shouted and screeched. It felt calculated and dangerous. When it was emotional and loud, Regulus felt like it was because his father just cared a lot more than he let on, this tone was hostile and distant, it made Regulus feel like Orion cared just as much as he thought (or feared).
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologise when you don’t know what you’re apologising for” Orion huffed from the driver seat, cutting his son off before he could even finish saying the word 'sorry'. Orion's jaw was clenched uncomfortably, re-arranging every few moments, but the tension was never quite released.
“But I can already tell that you’re angry,” Regulus protested from the back seat, he wasn't sure why he felt so determined to talk to his father today. Maybe it was a foolish sort of hope that Felix had lit in him, if Orion just paid attention to the good parts, maybe he would like Regulus more.
“If you just told me why you’re angry then-”
“I will not sit here and talk about your feelings, Regulus. I never wanted a daughter, and I don’t like that you remind me of one” Orion interjects, a feeling of disgust seaping into his words.
Regulus felt shame twist in his intestines, “Dad” he said feeling a lump in his throat and a tightness in his chest. Regulus watches his father in the rear view mirror analyzing his expression. He doesn't look angry, or even disappointed, he looks as if he's thinking of something particularly unpleasant, like a pile of sick on the side of the road, or a worms mangled drowning body on a rainy day. His father's eyes narrowed at Regulus in the reflection, Regulus felt another wave of embarrassment. He'd been caught. Again. Orion always managed to catch him. Like a criminal with blood still on his hands. And Orion would click his tongue and shake his head in a way that made Regulus feel like he was the most shameful being to roam the earth. It brought out a sort of vulnerability Regulus had hoped to leave behind in childhood, the sort of humiliation that was sparked by shifting in his parent's doorway after a nightmare only to realise that those are the sorts of things he could only go to his brother for. Orion never forgot to remind his youngest son of how childish, and stupid he was. Soft idiot. Despite being caught, Regulus' couldn't tear his eyes away from his father's expression, it was the only thing that seemed to soothe him, he felt more prepared to hear what would be said when he could see his father's facial expressions. The only thing blocking his view was the swinging rosary that moved back and forth like a pendulum, or like the hand of an old Grandfather clock, the rhythmic swing sped up along with Regulus' heart around each corner.
Your mother coddles you, it’s made you soft. I had hoped playing a sport would toughen you up, only for me to see you prancing around the field like some effeminate-”
“I was not prancing around the field” Regulus objected desperately, his heart pounding so loudly in his ears he could hardly hear himself over it “You didn’t even see me play” he cried “I’m the best on the team, I’m really good dad, If you just come watch on Sunday, I swear you didn’t-”
“You won’t be playing on Sunday”
Regulus felt his heart stop. “What do you mean?” he asked quietly, the frustration from before leaving his body for a moment. He wanted an answer now, he wasn't angry or nervous anymore, he needed an explanation.
“I talked to your coach” Orion said after a pause “Your mother and I are pulling you from the season”
“No that’s bullshit” Regulus exclaimed. “You can’t do that- This is the one thing I like-”
“Shut it Regulus, I don’t want to hear you right now-”
“But you didn’t even ask me? You can’t just do that, you- you didn’t tell me, I didn’t get to say goodbye to the team-'' Regulus was cut off abruptly, as the car swerved dramatically into the other lane and his father reached into the passenger seat. Before Regulus could process what was happening, his (James Potter’s) football boot was striking him across the cheek held tightly in his fathers hand. Regulus cried out, his eyes burning with tears he refused to shed.
There was a brief silence.
“Dad you can’t just do that” Regulus continued, his sense of self preservation over taken with an intense sort of fury. His dad would respect him on the field. Regulus was everything he wasn’t in real life when he played. He was strong and commanding and the boys on the team looked up to him. He was powerful and brave and he made reckless decisions that paid off. His father would respect that. “We’re half way through the season and-”
The car swerved again and Regulus flinched away as this time the boot was thrown at him.
“The conversation is over. Unless you would like to continue this in my office later I recommend you hold your tongue”
“Yes sir” Regulus murmured defeated. A few moments went by in silence “it’s just-“ Regulus himself was startled at his insistence. He usually was incredibly passive, but Regulus actually hadn’t done anything wrong. He didn’t deserve to be punished because all he had done was go to practice. Maybe he took a boy’s sweater, but that was only bad because his father thought it meant something it didn’t. Regulus did not have ‘impure thoughts’ about boys. Liar. But this wasn’t fair. Regulus would usually take it, and obey, but now that he and Sirius were at separate schools, and Regulus was being dragged along to Wednesday mass, and his mother began forcing herself into his bedroom digging through his things quite frequently, football was quite genuinely the only thing in his life that his nobody could ruin.
“You’re out. This isn’t up for debate, this has been decided.” Orion insisted. “Your mother wants you back at church on Sundays, and clearly athletics aren’t doing you any good so I have no desire to fight her on that.”
“I go to a Catholic school, what more could you want? I swear football is doing me good, I’m really good dad, you don’t get it- you haven’t even given me a chance-”
“Given you a chance?” Orion sneered charging his words with an implication that he knew only Regulus would pick up on. Orion always noticed. He always caught Regulus shifting uncomfortably during these conversations, or denying things too quickly. "I saw far more than enough"
“YOU DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING!” Regulus shouted, throwing his hands down in exasperation. "Nothing was happening!" he defended.
“It would break your mother’s heart to see her son flitting about with a deviant” Orion continued, his eyes now averted from the mirror, as if looking at his son pained him.
“Dad!” Regulus shouted “I’m not- I don’t- I don't you know-” He could feel his eyes stinging. Liar liar liar! A voice chanted in the back of his mind.
“Regulus, I’ve had it up to here with you and I do not want to hear your voice right now, or God help me I’ll crash this car. So pipe down, we will be finishing this conversation in my office.”
Regulus’ stomach twisted. It was better when they just yelled, and made it through it. His father was being too collected, too calm, too put together, as if he’d planned this all out, and nothing Regulus could do would change anything. Regulus knew he was in for it. Being called to the office never ended well. He silently hoped Sirius wouldn’t be home, today had been shameful enough already he didn’t need Sirius hearing him cry like a little girl over football. Sirius had gone through far more than Regulus, and he took it better as his father liked to remind him. But then a part of Regulus hoped Sirius wasn’t at Potters, Sirius was good at treating injuries and if going by feel was worth anything the bruises on his face were going to be a mosaic of purple and red in moments. He’d have to decide whether or not the embarrassment was worth it later.
After five more minutes of painful quiet, only the hum of the AC, and the annoying frequency of the AM radio Orion spoke again.
“Do you do this to punish me?” Orion asked quietly, he said it in a genuine tone, as if he'd been pondering it for a long time. It seemed well thought out, like this was a thought he toyed around with quite often.
“What?” Regulus whispered, trying to quell the tears in his eyes and the tightness in his throat.
“Are you” Orion waved his hand around “doing this to spite me and your mother? Are you pleased by how distressed this makes me?” Orion continued “What would your mother say? It would kill her, a miscreant son- You’re incredibly lucky I haven’t told her-”
“Told her what? Dad? What are you talking about?” Regulus shouted, feeling the frustration build up again. I’m not gay! Why does everyone always call me gay? (Liar)
“You’re emasculate, not even football can straighten you out, have you strayed so far from our teachings? Did you not listen to anything your mother and I have taught you? Psychologists believe homosexuality is caused by having a weak father figure, do you do this to humiliate me?”
“I’m not a homosexual” Regulus yelled “Stop saying that! I’m not, I swear Dad please” the boy shouted tears springing down his cheeks.
Orion slammed on the breaks, jolting the entire car forwards, the truck behind them honked the horn loudly, barely swerving around them.
“Hold yourself together boy. Get out of the car. Get out of my car” Orion shouted unlocking the door.
Regulus sat frozen in the back, eyes wide, he opened his mouth to say something but no words came out.
“GET OUT OF THE CAR REGULUS. WALK HOME.”
“Dad!” Regulus shouted.
“I am incredibly frustrated with you, and disappointed right now, do not talk back to me Regulus Arcturus. Do not give me any reason to act in a way we will both regret.”
“I’m- it’s dark out-” the boy protested weakly.
“Are you scared of the dark? ” Orion taunted.
“No- no I can walk home, it’s just it’s cold and-” Regulus’ breathing was hurting his chest.
“What do I tell your mother-” Orion muttered to himself.
“NOTHING DAD. I’M NOT, I’m not- I’m not what you think I am” (liar) Regulus cried desperately, the tears streaming down his face again and choking him in his throat.
“I clearly haven’t been hard enough on you. Get out of my car”
So Regulus did.
“Reg” Sirius’ voice called softly from the doorway.
“Go away,” Regulus' voice replied, muffled by his pillow. He laid face down on his bed, his curls were unruly and sprawled across the pillowcase, and he was twisted in a strange position.
“Hey, are you okay Reg?” Sirius said, shutting the door quietly behind him.
“M’fine” Regulus replied “I said go away” he insisted, but Sirius knew his little brother well, and Regulus’ tone suggested he did not want Sirius to go anywhere.
“Did dad get you there?” Sirius asked from his spot perched on Regulus’ bed, he’d reached over gesturing at Regulus’ eye which was slowly turning purple.
“No” he said quickly, pushing himself up to a sitting position, and covering his face with his hand, while moving it farther away from Sirius.
“Regulus” Sirius chided, reaching for his wrist, pulling his hand away from the boy’s cheek.
“He didn’t.” Regulus insisted. “I walked into the door,” he murmured.
“Mother said you weren’t home because you and father had a row” Sirius pried.
Regulus frowned, “We weren’t having a row” he said petulantly. “You and mum have rows, dad is just” Regulus’ voice trailed off “He just knows I can be better” Regulus insists, glancing at his hands.
Sirius furrowed his brow “What do you mean? What were you arguing about? Be better at what?”
“Nothing!” Regulus glared “Nothing, nothing at all, I didn’t do anything,” he said his breathing quickening as tears sprung to his eyes. “He’s just looking out for me-”
Sirius felt slightly lost, what had he said wrong?
“Reg-” Sirius tried reaching forwards “why don’t we talk it through, you can tell me-”
“I don’t want to talk about my feelings with you Sirius!” Regulus snapped. “I’m not a girl, don’t treat me like one” he said frustrated, pulling himself out of Sirius’ arms and bee-lining towards the exit.
“I’m not!” Sirius exclaimed, confused and frustrated at his brother’s slightly out of character antics, he followed Regulus to the door speeding up to pass him. Once he reached the doorway he stood in front of it with his arms out and his legs in a wide stance.
“Let me through!” Regulus yelled trying to push himself through the bedroom door, and consequently Sirius' arm.
“Shut up Regulus” Sirius said suddenly in a snappish and definitive tone “I can hear mother and father fighting” he added.
Regulus froze. It had to be his fault. It had to be. He’d never started an argument between his parents before. At least not this directly. Both boys shifted, pressing their ears against the door.
“D’you think it’s my fault?” Regulus murmured insecurely.
“Nah, probably mine Regs, don’t worry about it kid” he added fondly pinching Regulus’ not-injured cheek.
Regulus nodded, for once not making any angry quips about Sirius calling him ‘kid’ despite being practically the same age (depending on which brother you asked of course)
Orion’s booming voice was yelling, the boys didn’t make out the first bit of the argument, but their parent’s voices were getting louder as they walked from the kitchen to the living room and the argument escalated.. “You are domineering and controlling and you need to step into your God given place” That was Orion's voice, as always, blaming Walburga for what he perceived as his short-comings.
“You may be head of the household but you’re an awful father and hardly a husband at all” Walburga shrieked back. A glass clattered to the floor. Sirius grimaced, nothing ever ended well when mother was throwing things that early on.
“You’re poisoning the-“
“Your weakness is nobody’s fault but your own!” Walburga screamed “What do you gain from making our son walk home at night in wet clothes? He’ll catch his death Orion” the voices were getting louder.
“Regulus is no son of mine” their fathers voice cut through the background noise of the street outside, and the radio playing from Sirius’ room. Regulus felt his heart pound in his chest, and the lump in his throat became incredibly painful rather than simply annoying. It turned sharp, and it felt like if he opened his mouth blood might spill out of it.
“Reg” Sirius murmured tugging at his brother’s wrist, pulling him away from the door. “Come on it’s not worth it”
Regulus swatted him away ignoring the welling tears in his eyes that were likely glimmering in the light and obvious to Sirius’ gaze.
His ear was still turned towards the door, but he couldn’t hear anything through the intense ringing in his ears. He bit his cheek hard to stop himself from crying, but he’d forgotten he’d been bruised earlier and it ended up just making more tears rush into his eyes.
He couldn’t hear what was being said, but he could hear the frequency of his parents earth shaking voices and by the expression on Sirius’ face it couldn’t have been going well.
“Come on Reg” Sirius insisted, grabbing the smaller boy by the shoulders.
“No,” Regulus protested. “I want to listen, this is my fault. It's because of me, so I want to know what I've done-”
“No it’s not your fault Regulus“ Sirius replied desperately, as he tugged at his brother’s shoulders. Regulus was holding on tight to the door knob. "Just- let me-" Sirius fought to pull his brother away from the argument.
“Stop!” Regulus shrieked suddenly as Sirius changed his approach and wrapped his arms around the boy's waist hoisting him away from the door.
“Sirius” Regulus tried to shout as he twisted in his brother's grasp “let me go!” He exclaimed. “Put me down” he said again, thrashing as Sirius struggled to carry him towards his bed. Regulus was vaguely aware that the tears that had been in his eyes all night had begun falling, and he wanted to die.
“Your shirt is wet”. Sirius said, as if that was the greatest problem of the night, as he tossed Regulus onto his bed. Sirius dug around his brothers drawers grabbing pyjama pants and a t-shirt. “Change” he commanded, tossing the clothes over his shoulder and onto Regulus’ bed “I’m going to get some stuff for your face” he said gesturing to his cheek. “And don’t be at the door when I come back Reg. Really. They’re- they’re probably drunk, and they” Sirius voice trailed off “they don’t mean it” he lied. It didn’t even sound convincing to Regulus but he found it comforting anyways.
Sirius came back into the room shortly after with a first aid kit James’ mum Effie had put together for him.
Regulus sat up on his bed waiting for Sirius.
“I don’t know why you lie to me.” Sirius murmured, sitting next to him on the bed.
“I don’t” Regulus lied.
Sirius gave him a pointed look. “I got an ice pack from downstairs. I noticed only one of the shoes was in the bag.” He commented softly. “Those bruises on your cheek are a pretty strange pattern for a door hmm?”
“I don’t know why you’d imply something that ludicrous Sirius. Nobody hit me with a boot.”
“Well, I never implied anything about being hit with a boot, and besides I very vividly remember that time Mother threw a high heel at you” Sirius said raising an elegant brow up at his younger counterpart. "So really it's not that, what did you say incredulous? prosperous?"
"The words preposterous, and I said ludicrous" Regulus mumbled in response.
"Yeah, well a shoe being thrown at you isn't ludicrous then"
“Mum throws whatever she can get her hands on”
“Well dad hits you with his hand, I really doubt using a shoe is below him.” Sirius commented, holding the ice pack up to Regulus’ cheek.
“Dad hits you. I don’t misbehave. The rules aren’t difficult to follow.” Regulus muttered, the lie sounding clunky even to his own tired ears.
“Reg you’re being difficult on purpose, Dad’s clearly the issue, not me. Don’t be stupid.” Sirius said snappishly. “I already know that you’re not telling the truth, so just tell me.” he added exasperatedly. “When did you start lying all the time?” Sirius said exasperated.
“I don’t lie all the time.” Regulus huffed. “Some things are better kept a secret ''
Like the way your stomach twists when you see James Potter. And the way you feel your face heat up when Felix tackled you to the ground tonight. And the time you kissed that boy Finley after church, just to ‘see what it was like’. And that the whole reason you play football in the first place is because of some stupid third grade crush. (and unfortunately James Potter as well) And all the nights you spent wishing that this amalgamation of thoughts and feelings were some sort of stupid foolish mistake, and the nights you spent begging God to fix you. And it’s better kept a secret (especially from Sirius - who is the last person who loves him without strings attached) that dad fights with you because you are gay. And he fucking knows it. And he’s known since before you even knew and you have prayed so much to be normal that it’s hard to even imagine a God that listens. And you sometimes think you should just walk into traffic and end it all. (Your Father would console those who cared for you by calling you a sinner, because ‘people like that, who take death into their own hands, go straight on down to hell’ but you think he’d probably be grateful that you didn’t live long enough to confirm his suspicions.) It’s better kept a secret that you probably would walk into traffic if it wouldn’t break your mothers heart and ruin your brother's life. And you have a mental list of the most ideal ways to die, and they all end with a silent (young).
“Regulus” Sirius said loudly, snapping the boy out of his thoughts “The Mckinnons think father travels for work-“
“You made that lie” Regulus protested angrily “that’s what you told the Potters-“
“I was ten!” Sirius exclaimed.
“How do you know the Mckinnons? You know Felix?”
“No his sister Marlene is in my year” Sirius explained “she says you’re really good on the field. Told me I should come watch sometime, I will, if you want” Sirius added, pulling the ice pack away.
“Well dad pulled me out.” Regulus said through gritted teeth “so you won’t get a chance”.
“I’m sure you can play for All Saints come the spring”
“I don’t want to play for fucking All Saints.” Regulus grosned. “I want to go to a normal school, like you, and play for a normal team, like Felix and Harry and the rest of the boys on the team” Regulus snapped.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry Reg”
Regulus didn’t reply.
“James’ dad made a salve, he’s really into natural medicine, it should make the swelling go down a bit” Sirius added, grabbing a cloth, and moving forwards so his hand was on Regulus’ chin, and the cloth was in his other.
Regulus swatted his brother’s hand away. “I don’t want James’ dad’s stupid salve” he muttered.
“Monty and Effie have been asking why you never come for dinner anymore.” Sirius prompted.
Regulus stared blankly into Sirius’ eyes. “I don’t like them.”
“I just, I think it would be good for you,” Sirius said, brushing Regulus’ hair out of the way, and reaching forwards with the cloth.
Regulus’ arm hit Sirius’ away. “I asked you not to do that” Regulus muttered through gritted teeth.
“You can drop the tough-guy act Regulus, it looks painful, this will help” Sirius said frustrated.
Regulus looked at Sirius’ hand as if it was burning him each time they made contact.
“I don’t want anything from the Potter’s. I don’t want their stupid boots, or their salve, or their invites to dinner, or their sympathy. There’s no reason to be sympathetic, there’s nothing to be sorry about, and neither of us need them, and they won’t do me any good. You should stop going over and playing house because that’s all it is, Sirius, it’s play. You don’t think they actually see you as family, do you?” Regulus snapped, a hostility in his voice that was still decently new to Sirius, but he was slowly becoming accustomed to it.
Sirius put his face in his hands. “What is with you being so fucking stubborn?” he exclaimed. “We deserve better, and pretending that we don’t-”
“Don’t drag me into your vendetta against mother and father. I think we deserve what we have” Regulus pushed back a sense of finality in his voice.
Sirius laughed “You think you deserve a father who doesn’t love you?” he said frustrated, charging the words with emotion.
“Get out of my room Sirius” Regulus said quickly, pushing Sirius away from himself as hard as he could.
“I didn’t mean it like-”
“Get out,” Regulus repeated. “Get out, and don’t come back. I don’t need your stupid ice-packs, or your help. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself-”
“Reg-” Sirius looked tired.
“I don’t want you here, so please leave” Regulus repeated.
The fighting raged downstairs, and it did until around eleven thirty, when Orion surrendered himself to the bar, and Walburga finished breaking another few family heirlooms.
Their mother then called Aunt Lucretia and continued yelling about her useless husband who does nothing but hurt her children. Sirius bitterly thought about how Walburga was no better. Sure there might’ve been less intention, but Orion blew up far less frequently then Walburga. At least with Sirius. Sirius was starting to wonder just how often Orion and Regulus fought. It didn’t seem like it was as new of a problem as Sirius had suspected. Even as children, Sirius and Regulus had always been closer with different parents. It was traditional of course, for the heir to stand with their father, and the spare to stand with their mother, but in the House of Black, it seemed like it went farther than just photographs. The house was often split in two. While Sirius was emotional majority of the time, when he was at home he could turn it off, he could be rational, he could argue things logically and with precision. Regulus was the opposite. These traits appealed to different parents. Regulus followed orders, he was obedient and tried his best to reach the standards set for him. Regulus listened, both to the rules, and to streams of his mother’s problems. Sirius was disobedient, but he was stubborn, and he fought for what he stood by. Sirius knew what he wanted and he didn’t let anybody get in his way, not even his own parents. Orion respected that.
Sirius wondered vaguely whether or not football had been all his father and Regulus had argued about. Regulus was so rarely shaken by things like that anymore, he just sort of took it. Sirius had theorised that he kept it all bottled up, and that every injustice he let slide off his back would burst out of him in a destructive messy way. Sirius always felt conflicted about Regulus, because he had been like Regulus at one point. He had thought that what they had was all they could have, and that there was nothing to do but live through it. But Regulus was getting older, he was already thirteen, and he still didn’t seem to have understood things that Sirius found simple to get. Regulus never stood up for Sirius, and often chided Sirius for misbehaving. Regulus did everything he could for a kiss on the cheek from their mother and a nod of acknowledgement from their father. Regulus blamed Sirius for everything. And Sirius struggled to know whether or not he should listen. Regulus seemed to agree with thoughts that Sirius had sincerely hoped were mere insecure falsities. Regulus felt that Sirius was the one causing arguments. Regulus waited for Sirius to see reason and abandon his rebellious phase. And each time Sirius called out any of Regulus’ bullshit the boy would look him dead in the eyes to haughtily and heartlessly deliver words that Sirius wished he’d only heard in his own twisted mind.
“You’re the one who made me like this” Regulus would tell him. Or “well… you claimed you raised me” and many other variations of “I’m just becoming more like you!” That left Sirius feeling distraught and lost and hopeless because why didn’t Regulus care how much he hurt him? And why didn’t Regulus know how much he gave him?
Sirius rolled over in bed onto his face groaning into his pillow. The hallway light was off but the house felt wrong. His father wasn’t home yet, his mother wasn’t raging about, and his little brother was angry with him.
“Sirius” Reg's voice called softly from the doorway.
Sirius hummed in response knowing his brother would understand it as ‘come in’
“I’m sorry.” Regulus murmured from the doorway.
Sirius flicked on his lamp. Regulus stood with his arms folded over his chest, and his hair was tousled. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy as though he had been crying.
Sirius frowned. “I know.” He said softly. Looking at the boy now, as he stood in front of him, Sirius found it hard to fault Regulus for being such a soft, naive, idiot. He was only thirteen. Sirius had done his best to shelter Regulus from their parents, and now he had to pay the price for that.
“Can I come in?”
Sirius nodded shifting over in his bed to make space for his brother to sit. To Sirius’ surprise his brother laid down next to him, something he had not done in a few years.
“What did you and father argue about?” Sirius asked quietly. Regulus stiffened at the question. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. He’s wrong” Sirius insisted.
“Why doesn’t he like me?” Regulus whispered, his voice cracked slightly. Sirius was the one with long hair, and Regulus remembers when he’d caught his brother wearing their mothers eyeliner before a party once. If anyone was effeminate it was Sirius.
“Of course he likes you” Sirius defends wrapping an arm around his brother's torso and drawing him in, the way he always had done when they were kids.
Regulus rested his face on Sirius’ chest, as his brother stroked his back pretending he didn’t notice Reg was crying. Until today, Regulus hadn’t cried in over a year. He had been freshly twelve and he and Sirius had just had their first (of many) big argument. They had shouted at one another relentlessly, but Sirius wouldn’t even listen to what he was saying. The frustration was amping up and eventually he had smacked Sirius on the face. As hard as he could. Sirius stared at him as if he had killed his little brother rather than as if he was his little brother.
After that Sirius began spending more time at the Potters and Regulus reckoned he’d move in fully if it weren’t for the off hand chance that his parents would pursue Euphemia and Fleamont legally. The Blacks were powerful, and deep down even Sirius knew it would take something almost lethal for them to ever face the consequences of their actions.
Regulus had cried inconsolably in his room when Sirius had left. Before that, he had cried at eleven when his mother had tugged him so hard out of his bed while he was sick that she’d dislocated his shoulder.
“I’m sorry-“ Regulus began again.
“You’re fine,” Sirius replied.
“I want to play football,” he murmured quietly, “I’m really good at it.” he added.
“I know Reg,” Sirius soothed.
“I’m sorry” Regulus murmured again.
“So you’ve said,” Sirius replied “Just shh, go to bed,”
“I can stay here?” Regulus said in what would have been a surprised tone if he had been any less exhausted.
There was a brief silence.
Regulus swallowed “I don't believe much anymore.” he said. A pause passed. “in God” he clarified. “Don’t tell mum and dad” he added at the end.
Sirius nodded, feeling a little surprised by the revelation. Regulus was a good son. Scratch that, Regulus was the good son. He always accompanied their mother to church, even when it would only be the two of them, and he wore his cross when their mother asked, and he kept his rosary on his night stand. Sirius frankly figured he’d be the only one in their family losing faith any time soon. Even Alphard and Andromeda who were estranged and blasted off the family tree respectively both were believers last time Sirius had checked. What could have changed his brother’s mind? Was this a good thing for them? Was Regulus coming around? Was this a bad thing for him? Did Regulus believe in anything anymore? Did they believe in one another? Do you have to believe in something bigger than you? Is it better to believe or not to? Is it better for Regulus to believe or not to? Why? Why did Regulus change his mind? Why couldn’t he ask his brother all these questions anymore?
“Why?” Sirius asked softly.
Regulus shrugged “I’ve just been thinking,” he replied softly.
Sirius snorted “that's rare for you” he commented.
“Fuck off” Regulus replied.
“You’re in my room, in my bed, and you’re telling me to fuck off?” Sirius asked incredulously.
Regulus nodded.
“Where on earth did you get the audacity?” Sirius muttered.
“I don’t know, your fault, you practically raised me” Regulus replied.
Sirius felt an inexplicable sadness wash over him. “I’ll try to talk father around, you know, about the football”
Regulus nodded. “You don’t need to.” he said.
“I want to. I want to see you play” Sirius insisted.
Regulus ignored the stinging in his eyes “I wish dad wanted to. Everybody else on the team's parents come to every game.”
Sirius brought his brother in, holding him close. He wanted to scream. He felt helpless, he couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t make this better.
“I get it” Sirius replied, hugging his brother tight for a moment before letting him go again. “Light on or off?” he asked, reaching over to his night stand.
Regulus frowned at him sitting up to look his brother in the eyes. “You did not just ask me that” he glared “I’m thirteen Sirius!” he groaned, throwing himself back down into the bed. “You’re such a prat”
Sirius laughed “I love you Reggie” he said into the darkness after flicking the light off.
There was an excruciating silence.
“You too,” Regulus murmured back.