Chapter 3
Sirius was staring out of the window that was in his new room as he thought about who his new roommate or roommates would be but as the sun was starting to set he discovered that he would end up waiting for a long time since he had apparently gotten one of the only rooms that nobody wanted to be in so nobody would be living with him and maybe that was for the best for everybody but he could hear some of the people that was walking past his room talking about how they didn’t want to be the ones to make sure he did everything he had to do since that there wouldn’t be any roommates to look after him and make sure that he did things like his homework and went to his detentions. He was still a burden. He didn’t even have any friends left and he was still a burden for someone. He didn’t even know what to feel anymore except the crippling guilt in his chest from just being and even by that being a problem for so many that he loved and cared for.
He didn’t know how long he would be able to stay sane now that he didn’t have anyone left and he already knew that he almost went mad when he could write to his friend on the breaks there was from the school where he had to leave the school grounds but now, he had to see them every day without being able to talk to any of them. The only thing he could do was look at them as they would try to avoid him. He knew that they had told most of the friend group some form of what happened since he had seen Lily talking to Mary and neither of them looked at him or even replied when he said hello to them, and he had even tried to talk to Barty on his walk down to the greathall for dinner, but he had ignored him like he was nothing and maybe he was. Maybe he was nothing. A nobody. A nobody that had been a somebody but now he had nobody so he was nobody. He had sat down for from where his friends normally sat so that they could still sit where they did without him in the way but by the looks that most of them was sending him from where they sat, he had still ruined it, just by being there. he had even look over to the Slytherin table to try and see his brother but all he got from that was cold glazes from regulus and his friends that was looking at him to.
In the end he just stood up and left without eating anything and just went to the room of requirements where he knew he could do what he wanted to do without having to remember anything but the time he had to be in his bed so that he didn’t get in more trouble. He knew he had till it was 10pm and as it was only 6:30pm he had time. He knew he had time the only thing that didn’t go as planned was that when he got to the room and sat on the floor Infront of the couch he didn’t see any blades he only saw the fireplace that he had been at a thousand times before and he knew how nice it was to just sit and be while looking at the flames but he had to cut and he felt that deep in his bones but the room didn’t give him anything to help him this time.
Maybe the first time had been a fluke, and the room shouldn’t do things like that or maybe it just didn’t see why it was even needed since it would be a waste to give to him. There were probably more reasons that could be but before Sirius could try and come up with those, he heard the door opening and he was afraid of looking over to see who it was, but he knew the moment that the person started to talk.
Remus.
Remus had asked him why he had left without eating anything and he had sounded so scared of the answer but maybe that was because Remus was afraid of him, yet the moment Remus had asked it was like everything in Sirius wanted to say everything that was going through his head to him, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew the only reason Remus was even here was pity and he didn’t want that, and he definitely didn’t want it from Remus of all the people that could give it to him.
Sirius couldn’t turn around and, in the end, he didn’t have to because Remus asked him again, but he didn’t get an answer or a look his way. He started to look at Sirius and when he did that, he finally saw Sirius and he looked like he stopped taking care of himself weeks ago even if Remus knew it hadn’t even been a day. Maybe that didn’t matter because Remus was already thinking about what Sirius would look like if he had to go like how he did for a week and maybe even the rest of the school year and he was scared of the pictures that formed in his mind.
Remus’s mind started running as he kept looking at Sirius and what he saw would haunt Remus forever and he knew that someone had to do something before it got that bad but he knew he couldn’t be that person for Sirius already and he didn’t know if James would. Oh god he hoped James would when he saw what Sirius looked like already but that was all he could do. Hope. Hope that James would do something and hope that Sirius would accept it.
Sirius started to get up from the floor while Remus was lost in his thoughts, but he was not lucky enough that Remus was too lost in his thoughts to not hear the door open. When Sirius had opened the door, it was like something in Remus started working again but as he started to get up from the floor Sirius was already walking down the hall and even if Remus knew he had to follow him he couldn’t make his legs move. Remus just stood in the door looking down to where he knew Sirius had run to and his legs started to feel normal again but it was still like he didn’t decide were he would be going and in the end he ended up in the Gryffindor commenroom.
James and peter was sitting and playing chess that peter was winning when Remus come into the commonroom with a blank face like something was running around in his mind and they both knew that it was Sirius that was running in his mind even if they didn’t want to talk to him they still had eyes and they had seen what a day without them had done to Siri but if James was anything it was stubborn and peter always followed the people he trusted and even when he forgave Sirius he didn’t trust him that much so he just kept a distains and stayed close to James.
Remus could see the questions that both James and Peter wanted to ask but they knew better and just gave him smiles that didn’t reach their eyes. He gave them a small smile back but he didn’t say anything and just went up to their room so that he could go to bed and try to forget how Sirius had tried to not look at him and even ran away from him. Thats when the small voice in his head started to tall to him again in almost 3 years. ’did you really think that you could have him’ ’you know your only a monster that can’t have anyone close without hurting them’.
Remus was laying in bed and just letting the voice rant and the longer he just laid there the less he could feel in the world around him. It was like someone had put a blanket over him that stopped any sounds from the outside to get to him but the blanket didn’t help when James started to shake he telling him that he was fine and that he was safe. Yet all he was was confused. He was confused because when he started to get back to the world was when he heard the scream. A blood curling scream of pain and it came from him. When did he start screaming? Why cant he stop? Why can’t he breath? How did he get on the floor? He had so many questions but he already had most of the answers.
He knew he could never be enough for Sirius but he had hoped like a fool that they could make it work and he knew that he was a monster but he had tried to hide it so that the friends he had made wouldn’t leave but they didn’t even leave when they found out. No. they tried to help him but in the end he is a monster. In the end he will never be what everyone else need from him. He will never be enough. He had a panic attack because of Sirius even when he tried to say that Sirius was dead to him. Even he knew that he could never forgive Sirius but he had hoped that he would be fine without them. He isn’t and that breaks Remus even more because they don’t want to help right now but they do want Sirius to get the help he needs. They also know that they are the only ones that can help him now and they don’t even know how to.
He hoped that they could try and find out tomorrow.
Sirius was afraid to stop walking and he didn’t dare to look back because he would break if he saw Remus again. He didn’t look up when he started to follow the path up to the astronomy tower or when he knew that Remus hadn’t followed him up, he didn’t look up before he was standing at the etch of the railing and tried to find the regulus star.
He didn’t tall enough with his brother, but he knew that Reggie would be better of without him to ruin everything for him and maybe Sirius should just jump and spare everyone the suffering that he caused and was causing by still being in the same classrooms and even hallways.
He didn’t let the thoughts win though even if he believed them because he still thought he deserved the pain. No. he deserved more pain than what everyone was trying to do and maybe what he did to himself not enough but how could he do more. That when the voice started one again. ’You should starve to death’ ’You should cut deeper’ ’Nobody cares so why should you, you should just jump’. He didn’t listen to the last one, but the others were some that he knew he could do and if it didn’t work then he would still have to go home for Christmas and then his mother would do the punishing he just had to be his normal self at that time.
Normal self. How did he need to say that it wasn’t that long ago he had been laughing with his friends and saying jokes and planning pranks with James. How did everything change so quickly. He didn’t want to think about it, and he was starting to get tired and he didn’t feel like going down the stairs and leave Reggie so he stayed where he was and started to drift of still sitting by the railing and that was also how he woke up and something inside of him was disappointed that he hadn’t fallen in his sleep and the rest of him was just tired.