Chapter 2
Remus started to get worried the moment he smelled Sirius enter the commonroom smelling like smoke and blood, and it only got worse when Sirius came into the room and looked like he hadn’t slept in days and only looked at him and in the end just looked down and started to pack. Remus tried to get in contact with him and ask what happened to him since he smelled like blood and it was not just a little it was a lot and it smelled like it was all over him but it was like most of the smell came from his arms and sleeves and in his mind he already knew what had happened but he didn’t want to believe that Sirius would have done it since he could always come and talk about it but that’s when he realized that he didn’t, not anymore. He always went to Remus and now that he knew Remus wouldn’t listen, he went back to what he knew would help. Even when he knew that it would break the one promise, they both vowed to never break even if something happened to them, and they both broke it.
Sirius didn’t come and Remus didn’t make him feel like he could.
Remus didn’t know how to tell Sirius about what he knew since Siri probably already knew that he knew about it. Yet it looked like Sirius’s mind was running faster than ever but standing still in time and he knew that it was because Siri was afraid of what Remus had told him or more like how he had avoided him and hadn’t told him anything.
He wanted to but he was afraid to see Sirius’s reaction.
In the end he tried to ask Sirius if he had cut himself and Sirius stopped dead in his tracks and was looking down with his back turned to him. Remus could hear Siri’s heart speed up and his hands started to shake as he tried to come up with an excuse of why he smell like blood that he had forgotten all about and he hadn’t even thought that Remus would have smell him the moment he was near but he also knew that he wasn’t able to lie to Remus anyway so in the end he decided to do nothing but keep packing his things with shaking hands.
Remus was starting to get more and more worried by the seconds that ticked by and the silence that was only broken by either one of them breathing and Sirius’s thing that when into his bags. He knew he had to stop Sirius before he hurt himself more but he was also afraid that if he tried to help him he would also forgive him and even if that is probably what he should do and felt like he should do deep down, he also didn’t want to just forget and move on like nothing happened, because it did and he almost killed someone even if it was snape it was still a person that could have been gone because of him and even more of Sirius that told snape in the first place.
It made sense though. Sirius was just as much of a black as the rest of his family and even if he tried to get away and tell himself that he was better and that he was different. He never was. He was just better at hiding his true self for so long. He would never escape who he was in the end. He was a black and just like everyone else in his family. He didn’t know what love was and he could never keep it, if he found it.
Remus would love him till he died but he still betrayed every little trust they had ever had together, and they could never go back.
Remus wanted to say everything that was on his mind before it was too late, but it was like his mouth was sewn shut and the words he wanted to say was locked in his throat trying to get out in the wind. The words were not strong enough and they never reached Sirius and maybe that was the biggest tragedy. Sirius lived in silence and fear and even after everything that had happened, he thought they could still talk so that his mother would be wrong and that just because he was wrong or did something stupid, he could still be love-bull but maybe she was right and as he let the thought consume him his mother’s voice got louder saying stuff like ’how could anyone love someone as coldhearted as you’ he almost laughed at that since he wanted to ask her the same thing ’the only reason he liked you was because you were pretty’ ’you will never be enough why can’t you see that’ ’regulus is already better than you at most things and he’s two years younger, we don’t need you anymore’ ’you will always be a disappointment’ the last one he knew was true since even James had told him, maybe not in words but in everything he had done in the last day.
He was never good or pretty enough and maybe that was why, that after Remus didn’t try to stop him or say anything even if he looked like he wanted to talk, he left the room and tried his best to not look back even as he could feel the same brown eyes he knew to well, stared at his back. He held his head high, didn’t look at anyone that was in his way and didn’t spare a glance to James that almost ran into him in the hallway, he did everything just like he was told to do, even as two pairs of eyes stared at him from behind.
If he had looked back tho he would have seen the broken look on Remus’s face and the confusion and slight hurt on James’s. James’s confusion could have been from thinking about why he had been in their room, but he could see from the bags that he left with why he had been there. James even looked back at their friend at thought about how much he looked like the 11 year old boy he had meet when he was still ‘controlled’ by his mother and it was a terrifying thing to see especially since he had hated her for so long. it was like every spark of joy he had in his eyes was gone and that he wasn’t there but James just hoped that it would get better someday.
Sirius kept walking to his new room and while he was walking his thoughts started to get loud again.’if you had been in Slytherin everything had been different’ ’you could have protected his brother better’ ’you would have made your mother proud’ ’you could have been perfect’ ’BUT YOU DECIDED TO SCREW EVERYTHING UP JUST LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO’.
Maybe it was faith that was playing something with him that he didn’t know about, but could faith really be that cruel. Maybe not maybe it was only rotten people that could do things like that to their friends. Maybe it was only brave and strong people that could be good. He hoped that his brother ended up being good and not as rotten as the rest of the black. He hoped that even if he made the mistake of trying to run, his brother would stay and change it instead. He only wished he could be there to see him do it. Be there to see him succeed because regulus always succeeded.