Chapter 1
He fucked up and he knew that.
He fucked up and the worst part was that nobody even thought twice about what had happened.
they just knew that Sirius had said to snape where to find Remus, what they didn’t know was that Sirius had never told snape.
Snape had stopped him after he almost ran into him around a corner and had asked what he was doing in such a hurry, and as Sirius hadn’t answered, snape just went into his mind and Sirius was too shocked to do anything about it and he wasn’t fast enough to hide everything in time so after snape had gotten what he wanted he ran away, and Sirius was staying still as a statue.
He only started running way to late and he knew that as he could faintly see the sun start to rise but his feet still made him run to the willow to see if what he had done had hurt snape or worse made Remus kill a person, but as he got out to the willow there was nobody. Not a single soul.
So, he started running to the hospital wing hoping that he would get to see Remus and explain what happened and that he didn’t want to have anything happen to him.
When he finally saw the doors to the hospital wing, he saw James that looked like he would kill him if he even tried to talk, and he was almost correct. When he tried to talk and say what happened James started to yell ”WHAT THE FUCK DO YOUTHINK YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. YOU ARE THE REASON THAT REMUS IS IN THERE And almost killed a person which you know would kill him.” Jamess voice started to falter in the end of his rant, and he finally understood.
Nobody cared about his side of the story.
They all thought that he would tell snape Remus’s darkest secret without even blinking.
Without another thought.
They all thought that he was as much of a black like the rest of the house that he had always hated and tried to get out of.
Even James that was his brother in everything but blood, thought that he was like the rest of the black family and in the end maybe he was, maybe the only reason that he didn’t do something like this before was that he knew that he would make his mother proud if he did and even that he still ended up doing in the end or maybe it was because he thought he finally had a real family that wanted him.
He was just too hard to love, and he now finally understood that.
That morning when he walked to the greathall he met McGonagall that had told him that he would be getting a new room after the incident as it was requested and he masked the sadness he felt for not even being good enough to keep in the room, but he just said "of course I’ll pack my stuff before the classes begin. Where is my new room.” And McGonagall just stood there like he said someone was dead, and maybe he was in a way, but she ended up giving him his new room number and he left to the greathall before he would start packing.
As he sat down far from his friends in an attempt to not make them leave just because he got there, there was a pitch black owl that came flying with all the other owls and gave him a letter or rather a howler that was way too quiet for his liking and even before he heard it he knew it would be from his mother, but the frightening thing was that he didn’t know if it would be her phrasing him for doing what he did or yelling at him for being with a mudblood and even a werewolf at that.
He knew that he needed to get away as quickly as possible with the howler before people started to hear what she had to say, even if nobody had even looked at him since he go to the table so he grabbed the howler and tried to run but it was like his feet would only walk at a normal speed so that nobody noticed him leaving.
Nobody even blinked as he left… at least nobody that he saw.
Only James that had seen the black family’s owl and the crest on the howler was looking his way with a frown on his face for a split second before he turned around and had his usual smile on again. The worst part was the Remus had seen James’s smile falter but as he didn’t see anything unusual, except of course Sirius not being there but he hoped that he wouldn’t have to ever see him again, he just shrugged it off and decided to not think too much about it and kept talking to lily about the new books they had read and what they wanted to read next.
When Sirius finally got to the room of requirements and sat in the armchair that was far enough away from the fireplace, opened he the howler and immediately his mother’s voice started talking about all of his failings he did and how weak he was and, in the end, it was a blur of things she said but a one thing she said stuck with him. ”HOW COULD YOU EVER LET SOMEONE AS LOW AS A SEVERUS SNAPE ENTER YOUR MIND YOU ARE A BLACK AND YOU SOULD ACT LIKE IT” he didn’t even want to know how she found that out, but he guessed that words travel fast, ”but maybe its for the better since that now your so called friends wont talk to you anymore so maybe you’ll finally come back to your senses and come back home this Christmas even if you know that we have to punish you for the bad behavior.” It was said with both malice, disgust and a hint of compassion but he’s pretty sure that he heard that wrong since she would never care about him. He was the fuck up. Why would she even care about what happened to him, maybe she was just scared of the reputation he was giving the family name, she did tell him that he was going to be punished so he must have done something wrong in her eyes.
As the words tried to settle in his mind the letter started to shred itself and burned till there was nothing left. Nothing but the smell.
As he was sitting in the chair it was like his mind was going to overflow with ways that she would almost kill him or maybe she would just leave him to starve but give him enough so that he wouldn’t die or maybe she would lock him in the basement like she did so often when she didn’t want to look at him.
He knew he would never get the exact thing she would do but he hoped he could get some so that he could prepare him mind for it, yet it was hopeless.
Then he remembered that he had to pack his room, but he couldn’t make his feet more and it was like he couldn’t breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe. He was starting to pull his hair and rocking back and forth but it was like nothing helped him.
A small voice that sounded way to sweet and familiar said softly ’you’re having a panic attack right now darlin, all you have to do is listen to my breath and try to do the same okay’ it was his moony.
He knew that he needed his moony right now but he also couldn’t make himself try to get Remus to help him after what he did and especially not over something as small as this, he also knew that it was not even possible to get to Remus since James or someone else would be there to get Remus far away from him the moment he was close, so he had to figure it out himself, just as he always had to do. Just like he knew he had to do.
He had at some point fallen to the ground, but he was still rocking back and forth like he normally would if moony wasn’t there, but the only thing was that normally moony would find him and help him out of the panic attack, but he wouldn’t do that this time, so he had to figure something else out. That’s when he saw the small blade on the ground beside him and he knew that it was wrong but that’s when all his thoughts came back saying the things, they always did but this time he could to something to silence them. ’Nobody wants you, you know that’ ’nobody could ever want you’ ’Remus just used you, he never cared’ ’he only wanted to get the power over you, and you gave it to him without hesitating’ Sirius started to franticly whisper ”no, no, no that’s not true, I know that’s not true?” ’Do you now, where is he then’ ’he’s not here and he doesn’t even want to be near you’ ’he doesn’t trust you anymore’.
Before he had Remus, he would cut to make the voices stop and go away but if he did that now then he would break one of the most important promises he gave moony.
The first time moony had seen his scars he had asked him to come to him the next time he wanted to cut so that they could find a better way for him to cope with his thoughts.
He had done that and in a short while Remus was the person he went to when he started to feel bad or overwhelmed and Remus had helped him.
He knew that he shouldn’t do it, but it was the only thing that he could think of there could help quiet the voices when he had to do by himself. He had already hurt Remus so why not do something that didn’t even matter in the end. He would never be good enough anyway so why not just do it, Remus would never like him again and nobody would even have to know.
So, he picked up the small razor and he cut but, in his haze, he also cut over a couple of his old scars that had gone to deep and that reopened since they hadn’t healed probably since he didn’t use magic to help heal it. As the haze started to lift from his mind, he realized how much he was bleeding, but he made the voices stop for now so maybe it was fine, now he just had to get up and pack his things so that he can stop being a burden.
Then he looked at the clock and he saw that he had already missed the first two classes in the time he had been panicking which he knew would be reported to his mother and then his punishment would get that much worse. He still decided to go and pack before he would go to the next class but as he tried to stand, one of his legs gave out and he fell back down. It took him a couple more tries before he could get up and even more before he could almost walk normally again.
When he got up to his room and opened the door, he saw Remus.
Remus looked at him with disgust and something he couldn’t quit place. As they looked at each other Sirius started to get fidgety and, in the end, he broke the eye contact without a word and started to pack his things. Even when Remus in a weak voice tried to ask him why he smelled like blood and why he had first started to pack now and not at the start of the day. Sirius hold his mouth shut because he was afraid that if he said anything he would break down and Remus shouldn’t have to watch him like that, not anymore, Remus didn’t deserve to be burdened with him.