Chapter 1
Regulus Black didn't have anyone to turn to.
Well, okay, maybe that wasn't exactly true. He had his friends -- no, his family. Barty, Evan, Pandora, Dorcas, the people who had stuck by him through everything. He trusted them more than anyone in his life. He had to in order for them to know some of the things they did about his personal life. Still, there were times that he worried he couldn't tell even them what was going through his head. He didn't want to burden them with it all.
Pandora had been trying to get him to drop those thoughts for a long time. Barty too, in his own...special way. Still, he couldn't escape the voice in his head telling him that he would only bring them down, ruin them. It sounded suspiciously like his mother's voice.
Those were the nights he went to the astronomy tower. Growing up, the person that Regulus could always turn to, no matter what, was his big brother. He didn't have to hide anything with his brother, didn't have to worry he was putting too much on him. On the contrary, Sirius insisted he give it all to him. His big brother -- always his big brother. No matter what troubles they were having at school or at home, Sirius was always there to listen and make things better.
That was, until last December.
Regulus would never be able to forget the sounds of his brothers screams, or the icy hatred in their mother's voice as she cursed him again and again. He'd never be able to forget the image of his big brother laying there, broken. He'd thought Sirius was dead, and he may as well have been.
Regulus was dead -- dead to Sirius, anyway. Ever since they returned to school that January Regulus hadn't seen his brother in any capacity more than glances in the corridors or in the Great Hall. Any time that he saw him he was surrounded by his friends, Potter and the one whose face kind of reminded Regulus of some kind of rodent. And the werewolf. Lupin. He saw more of Lupin than he did of his brother, in truth, tucked in quiet corners of the library late at night before Madame Pince kicked them out. He saw the two of them together, saw how they cared for one another. Even in the years before they got their shit together and started dating. He didn't feel the same bitter jealously he felt when he saw his brother and Potter, however. Regulus was just glad Sirius had someone to take care of him, like he'd taken care of him all those years.
He wanted to take care of his brother, and that was what he was doing. Even if it killed him, and it did. Every time he managed to catch Sirius looking at him, his brother's eyes were full of an emotion that made him feel cold and empty inside. He was dead to his brother, and it killed Regulus a little more inside each time he saw it. But he accepted it. He forced himself to hold Sirius' gaze with trained indifference until the elder looked away in frustration. He forced himself to keep walking his path whenever it crossed with Sirius' on the way to class or the common room or the library. He forced himself to meet the protective, fiery gaze of Potter with one of boredom and contempt whenever he caught the Gryffindor looking his way. He forced himself to bite back when Potter -- fucking Potter -- made it his job to insult Regulus in place of his brother for standing by, for being just as bad as their parents. He forced himself not to react whenever he caught sight of Sirius in the arms of Lupin in the midst of an emotional breakdown. It was hard, but he did it for Sirius. Even in the moments when all he wanted was to go to his brother, comfort him, be comforted by him. Even when all he wanted was to feel safe in the presence of his big brother, Regulus forced himself to stay away.
It had left a predicament, though, as there were still times when he needed his brother more than anything in life. He'd quickly figured out an alternative to his brother -- Sirius.
After Barty and Evan fell asleep, Regulus found his way to the astronomy tower. It wasn't hard to find Sirius' star in the sky. They'd spent enough time at the window when they were children that Regulus could find it without really trying. And then, he talked.
And cried. And yelled. And screamed. Merlin, there were some nights Regulus was so full of anger and frustration that he would yell at the star as if it was really his brother. Most nights it helped.
Others, he just felt hollow.
Hollow, because this is what their lives had come to. Hollow, because he was too much of a coward to do what was right. Hollow, because he knew that it was the only thing he had left of his brother.
After he'd said all he needed to say or screamed all he needed to scream, Regulus was left there feeling hollow. He started going to the astronomy tower more often, because he didn't have another choice. Every night he found himself up there, he found himself standing closer to the ledge. Every night, he found it harder to leave the way he'd came.
Because who was Regulus Arcturus Black without his big brother? A pale imitation. A child wearing robes that never quite fit right in a role that was never his to play. A disappointment, his mother had so kindly informed him.
Alone.
"Regulus?"
Maybe not quite alone at this moment.
Because of course it would be him. Of course it would be Potter who found him there. James Fleamont Potter, who had been injecting himself into Regulus' life and ruining the fragile peace he had before he'd ever even met him in person. He didn't look at Potter as he heard the sound of quiet footsteps coming closer. He wouldn't. He'd already taken one Sirius away from him -- Regulus wouldn't let him take the other.
"Regulus?"
"That's my name, yes," he responded, suppressing a wince. Merlin, he cursed internally at how quiet his voice sounded -- how weak.
So weak. So pathetic. So disappointing.
"What are you doing?" Potter pressed, his voice cautious. Similar to how one would speak to a frightened child, or a wounded animal. Merlin, Regulus hated him.
Even though Potter couldn't see, Regulus rolled his eyes. "Taking a late tea on the moon deck," he retorted, his voice thankfully less pathetic than it had been before. "What does it look like, Potter?"
"Well, whatever it is...could you maybe do it a bit further from the ledge?"
Regulus took a deep breath, praying to whatever deity would listen for the strength not to launch himself off the edge and take Potter with him. What right did James Potter have to ask anything of him? What right did he have to sound so bloody concerned about him. "If you're worried I'm going to jump, you can leave. I'd never risk dying and being stuck here for all of eternity." And that was mostly true -- of all the places Regulus could die, Hogwarts was certainly not on the top of that list. "Not that it concerns you, but it's easier to see the stars from here."
Behind him, Potter huffed out a laugh. "Right -- I forgot you lot are into that astronomy stuff. I'd always assumed that being named after stars would be enough for you."
"You don't know anything about me." There was a bite to his words, one that he hoped made Potter flinch as it had in the past. He'd seen it before when he'd used that tone. It had made him feel oddly warm inside. "Nor am I any of your business."
This time, Potter sighed. He sounded frustrated. Good, Regulus thought. All the more reason for you to leave. "It's not like I came up here thinking I'd find you like this. I just came up here to grab something Marls forgot while we were doing our astronomy homework. But forgive me, oh high and mighty Lord Black, for being concerned when I see my best friend's brother standing on a ledge."
Regulus couldn't have stopped the bitter laugh if he'd tried. "So now I'm his brother?" he questioned, bitterness positively dripping from his tone. "It's been a while since I heard that one. Snake tends to be a popular word you all use in reference to me. Coward is another. Heartless I've heard quite often recently."
"Listen, Reg --"
And oh, that was it. That was the last straw.
"Don't call me that," Regulus snapped, turning so quickly that his body swayed. Quite precariously too, if the way that Potter stopped himself mid lunge with his arms extended as if to catch him meant anything. How dare he, Regulus seethed. How dare he call me that. How dare he call me what -- "My name to you is Regulus. You do not call me that! You do not have the right to call me that! Is that clear enough for your simple, obnoxious, self-important Gryffindor brain to understand? You came here for something -- grab it and leave! Do not act like you know anything or care about me all of a sudden! Don't act as if I mean anything!"
To you, Regulus had meant to say. But he hadn't. He didn't know why his voice had stopped, but he didn't think it mattered much.
Except, now Potter was staring at him. Not in the same way he had been before -- like he was confused or cautious. He wasn't even looking at Regulus as if he was angry for the way he'd yelled at him. Now he was looking at Regulus with something that looked like...concern? Surprise, even? Merlin, why wasn't he saying anything? It infuriated Regulus -- the staring. It was rude, unbecoming, absolutely infuriating. It ignited something burning inside of him, something he couldn't contain. It made him want to grab his wand and fling every hex he could think of at the older boy until he was on his knees begging for mercy. It made him want to physically punch him. Hit him until he was bloody like --
Regulus squeezed his eyes shut. No, no, don't think about that. Don't. He couldn't think about that night. He couldn't. If he did --
Potter took a step towards him, and Regulus' eyes snapped open again. His eyes were burning a hole into the older boy as he took another careful step towards him. "What are you doing?"
"Step away from the ledge, Regulus."
This time, his laughter had a hysterical edge. "Oh, fuck you, Potter! Fuck you!" He shifted back a half step, the action making Potter freeze as panic flashed in his eyes. Probably having to do with the fact that Regulus could no longer feel anything beneath the heel of his shoe. "Cut the heroic bullshit for one second! You can't save everyone, nor do I need saving! Not from anyone, and especially not from you!"
"Then why are you crying?"
His words made Regulus freeze. Was he crying? There was a chill in the air that had long made a numbness spread through Regulus' body. He couldn't feel much of anything. Even if he'd felt like going all the way back to the dungeons for his quidditch jumper, he wouldn't have. In all honesty, he liked the feeling. Slowly, Regulus lifted a hand to his cheek. The skin he found there was damp. He brought his hand closer to his eyes and was surprised by how quickly the tears were falling. Quite frankly it was embarrassing, crying in front of Potter like this. The thought that James Potter had seen him cry like this nearly pushed him backwards off the ledge.
"That is none of your concern."
"Is it because that's what Sirius called you?"
Whoever taught James Potter how to talk someone off a ledge needed to be fired.
"Do not talk to me about Sirius."
"Because he was disowned, right? Burned off the family tree? You'd rather pretend he doesn't exist, just like the rest of your family?"
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
"Don't I?" Potter pressed, anger returning to his gaze. "It's not as if you cared about him when you stood by and let your mother use the Cruciatus Curse on him!"
"Shut up," Regulus returned, feeling like a child but unable to think of a better response. "Shut up."
"I just -- I don't get it!" Potter continued, an exasperated edge to his voice. "You're standing here pissed off and upset because I used a name your brother called you as a child, but you let that happen to him! You didn't do anything! You stood there and watched as your brother was tortured!"
"Shut up!" Regulus yelled, taking a half step towards the other boy.
If Potter heard him, he didn't give any indication. "You're acting as if he means anything to you, but obviously he doesn't because if he did you would have done something!"
"I couldn't!"
"Yes, you could have! But you didn't! Your brother needed you, and you did nothing!"
Before Regulus knew it, he was stepping away from the ledge until he was in Potter's face -- angry and volatile and really wanting to punch him in his perfect teeth and yelling in his face.
"I got him to you!"
From how close he was, Regulus could see the shock in James' stupidly pretty hazel eyes. His mouth was open, moving as if he was trying to find the words. Regulus didn't give him a chance.
"What about Sirius when he came through your fireplace makes you think he could have gotten there on his own? He was barely conscious! He could barely keep his own eyes open or form a coherent thought, let alone speak clearly enough to get to your house!" Regulus could feel the tears rolling down his cheeks now, hot and thick and choking him. "I did it! I picked up my brother's body and I put him in the fireplace and I sent him somewhere I knew he'd be safe! Somewhere our parents couldn't touch him, and believe me, I paid the price for it! If you think there was anything I could have done against our mother before that, then you're more stupid than I thought!" Stop talking stop talking stop -- "You think I liked seeing Sirius like that? That I enjoyed watching? Because I'm just another Slytherin, right? Another evil, spineless snake just waiting until the day I can become a death eater and inflict that pain on more people. If that's the case, maybe you should let me go over the ledge. That would solve everything, yeah? You'd finally have Sirius all to yourself and there'd be one less Black in the world!"
"That's not what I want, Regulus," Potter finally said, his voice quiet and pained.
"Isn't it?" Regulus challenged, taking a step backwards towards the ledge again. Potter stepped forward with him. Regulus took another step backwards. "You already took him from me once. You're a better brother to him than I ever was -- the brother he deserves. It would certainly save me the pain of having to see him and how he looks at me and know that I'm nothing to him now." Regulus shook his head, resignation and acceptance filling his chest as he took another step backwards. "I'm already dead, Potter. Whether I stay as I am or try to leave -- it's all gonna end the same. There's no escaping it for me. Best to get it over with."
Regulus didn't know how close he was to the ledge. He didn't really care. He began to take another step backwards --
"Come home with me."
And froze. His vision had long turned blurry from crying, so he couldn't quite see Potter. Still, he looked at him with confusion.
"And Sirius. At the end of the term -- come home with us," Potter practically pleaded. "Don't go back there."
"I already told you, Potter," Regulus started, his voice painfully hollow. "I'm not yours to save."
"Do it for Sirius, then," Potter continued, stepping closer to him again.
Regulus shook his head. "Sirius has spent enough of his life saving me."
"Sirius loves you, Regulus."
"Don't lie to me!"
"I'm not lying!" Potter insisted, trying his luck with another step forward. He stopped short when Regulus shifted away again. "God, what is it with you Blacks and being so shit with your emotions," he muttered, more to himself than to Regulus. "Sirius may seem angry, but it's because he cares about you! He wants you to be better than your parents! He wants you to get away from them! There's nothing in the world he wants more! Doing this -- it would destroy him. Come home with us -- be brothers again!"
Regulus considered what he was saying, but ultimately began to shake his head. "I can't."
"You can."
"I can't," he repeated, a bite returning to his words.
"You can, Regulus! Sirius did it!"
"Sirius did it because I stayed!" How could Potter be so shortsighted? How could he not see? "Don't you get it? Our parents would have never let him go if I hadn't been there! They need their heir! There's no way out for me anymore!"
"Please, Regulus," Potter continued, helplessness seeping into his tone. "Just this once, let someone help you."
"I'm not worth it." And Merlin, did Regulus mean it.
"Why?" Potter questioned, sounding so genuinely saddened by the statement that it was sickening. "Because that's what your parents told you?"
Had Regulus mentioned that he wanted to punch James Potter?
"You are worth it, Regulus. You are worthy of safety and love and a family that doesn't use curses and threats as a way to keep you in line." Feeling emboldened by the moment, Potter reached forward and took Regulus' hand in his own. Regulus flinched at the contact, but didn't have the strength to pull away. Potter held on tighter. "You didn't deserve what your parents have done to you. Neither of you did. Please, just -- let me help you."
Regulus didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He certainly didn't trust himself not to get through anything without breaking. In the end, he didn't have to say anything.
When James pulled him away from the ledge, he didn't fight.