Chapter 2
"How do you look more like death than normal?"
Regulus aimed an unamused glare at Barty, but his friends had long become unaffected by the looks that sent others scurrying. He also hated that Barty was right.
He was used to not getting a lot of sleep at night. On top of the late nights he often pulled and the fact that he was, generally, a light sleeper, his nights were often filled with nightmares. It wasn't much of an issue, in all honesty. Regulus had gotten used to them -- he wasn't sure he remembered a time in his life before the nightmares came. The night before had been different, for a few reasons. He didn't remember how late it was when he got back to the Slytherin common room after his night in the astronomy tower. After Potter had gotten him down the stairs he'd tried to bring Regulus back to Gryffindor tower. By that point, Regulus had regained his wits enough to say no and hold his ground. Potter had been in the middle of some spiel about how he was worried and didn't want to leave him alone in the snake pit when Regulus had just turned and went on his way. Once he'd gotten back to his dorm he'd been so physically and emotionally exhausted that he'd practically passed out face first into his bed. According to Barty and Evan he'd been sleeping like the dead. Barty had had to smack him in a face with a pillow to wake him up -- and promptly dodged a stinging hex in response.
He hadn't been left alone since he'd woken up, either. Barty and Evan had taken to expressing their concern through teasing. They'd certainly done a good amount of that once they'd seen how dark the circles under his eyes were. Once they'd seen how hard it was for Regulus to concentrate in classes, however, their teasing had turned less friendly. It wasn't just them, either. Regulus had zoned out when Dorcas was talking to him about the adjusted training plan for quidditch practices -- three times. Almost immediately she was questioning him about what had happened, what nightmares he'd had, what was going through his head. It would have been annoying if it hadn't been so touching...actually, it was still annoying. Regulus just knew better than trying to fight Dorcas Meadowes. It had been even worse once Pandora got a look at him, looking at Regulus with those eyes that make it so hard to hide anything from her. If he hadn't already missed breakfast that morning Regulus was pretty sure she would have dragged him somewhere to nap before their next class.
"I don't know -- I think it suits him," Evan chimed in, a mischievous glint to his eye as he looked between Barty and Regulus. "Dark and brooding is all the rage."
Dorcas scoffed from where she was sitting. "And how would you know what's 'all the rage' from your Sacred Twenty-Eight bubble?"
"I'm a man with eyes, Cas."
"Just not sure how well they work, considering you have it so bad for Barty," Regulus muttered. Maybe it was a bit low -- his roommates had been dancing around their painfully obvious feelings for each other for years -- but he really wasn't in the mood.
"Screw you, Reggie -- I am a fucking delight," Barty retorted, hand over his heart to show how offended he was. The only thing the picture was missing was a pearl necklace for him to clutch. His dramatics almost took Regulus' attention away from how Evan's cheeks had turned a shade of bright pink. Almost.
"Okay, can we get through one meal without worrying someone's going to end up being murdered in their sleep?" Dorcas interjected, raising a challenging eyebrow at the three.
Whatever argument were brewing within them was stalled by Pandora coming back to the table, setting in next to Regulus and across from her brother. She'd come to lunch with them and had made sure Regulus' plate consisted of more than a singular piece of chicken and some vegetables he'd push around with his fork before she'd been pulled away to talk to her boyfriend, Xenophilius, at the Ravenclaw table. "What do you guys think of Hogsmeade this weekend?" she asked, looking between the group. "I need to go to Scrivenshaft's and I was hoping to stop by the fabric store for more yarn."
"Are you still planning on knitting us all sweaters for Christmas?" Evan asked, though it sounded more like a whine. It wasn't that Pandora was bad at knitting -- she was actually quite good at most forms of crafting. The issue was that Dora liked to use color and patterns that most of them weren't always quite so thrilled about.
They always wore them, of course. None of them could handle seeing the disappointment in her big, doe eyes when they didn't. It was like kicking a kitten.
"Can we stop at Tomes and Scrolls?" Regulus inquired, looking at the Ravenclaw.
"Of course!" Pandora beamed. "We can stop at the tea shop before we come back, too. You can finally try that amazing lavender tea I told you about."
Regulus grinned at her, nodding his head in confirmation of her proposed plan. With that, conversation continued. Regulus sat back, content to listen to his friends and what they were talking about rather than engaging. Sooner than later they broke into different conversations, Evan bickering with his sister about her knitting plans and Dorcas trying to get Barty to at least pretend that he cared they had an actual chance at the House Cup this year. He could feel eyes on him every so often as one of his friends glanced at him, making sure he was okay. Or, at least, hadn't fallen asleep sitting up and face planted in his steamed broccoli. Eventually his friends' conversations blended together with the other sounds of the Great Hall, his vision blurring ever so slightly as he disappeared deeper into his mind. And Regulus was content with that.
"What do you want?"
The shift in Barty's tone brought Regulus back into the moment, his vision refocusing so he could see the sneer on his best friend's face. The look was directed at someone behind Regulus, Evan's hardened gaze also on whoever it was. He couldn't see Pandora from that angle, but he assumed that she, like Dorcas, had turned her head to look at whoever it was who had approached them. Never liking to be the only one left out, Regulus turned his head to see none other than his brother.
Sirius was standing a few feet from them, ignoring Barty's words and sneer. Instead his gaze was trained on his younger brother. It was different than the way Sirius had looked at him before. Both of them had perfected the art of hiding their emotions early on in their lives -- it had been a tool of necessity growing up in Grimmauld. Despite this, the two brothers had always been good at reading one another. That was why Regulus was so taken aback by the way Sirius was looking at him. It was a look he was very familiar with from their shared childhood.
It was a look of concern.
"Can we talk?" Sirius asked, his attention remaining solely on Regulus. "Somewhere private?"
Regulus could hear Barty scoff behind him, the other boy gearing up for what would, no doubt, be a very colorful retort. Before he could start, Regulus wordlessly nodded his head. He moved to stand, grabbing his bag as he did. He briefly met eyes with Pandora, the other girl already looking at him. She nodded slightly, answering his question without him having to voice it. Pandora was good at that.
With a quick nod to the rest of his friends to let them know he was fine, he turned towards his brother. Sirius looked at him another moment before turning and beginning to lead him out of the Great Hall. Regulus followed his brother through the corridors of the school, past lingering groups of students. Neither of them said anything as they walked, leaving Regulus to his thoughts. He was pretty sure he knew what this was about. It couldn't be a coincidence that the day after Potter walked in on Regulus post-star-conversation and practically telling him he had no reservations about dying was the first time in almost a year that his brother had actually spoken to him. Let alone ask him to go somewhere to actually have a conversation. Still, he felt his throat getting tight as he wondered what exactly was going to happen. He wasn't sure what Sirius wanted to say. Would he be angry? Would he be disappointed? Would he tell Regulus to come to the Potters' with him?
Would he tell Regulus to stay away from him for good?
Regulus' internal panic was cut short by Sirius ducking into an empty classroom, him turning to follow his brother inside. Regulus lingered by the door while Sirius made himself comfortable sitting on a desk. His eyes found Regulus after a moment, still not saying anything. His eyes swept over him in a way that was painfully familiar. At Grimmauld Regulus had become accustomed to sweeping once overs. When they came from his mother, they were appraising -- looking for any flaw, any imperfection, the smallest detail she could point out and degrade him for. Mother was very good at that. When they'd come from Sirius, however, they were always looking for any mark, any injury, any sign that something was wrong. Regulus still remembered seeing Sirius for the first time the Christmas of his first year. Sirius had barely stepped inside the house when their parents pulled him aside to punish him for every way he'd disgraced the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. Even with his hand twitching from all of the stinging hexes their mother had dealt, Sirius had hugged his younger brother close the first chance he'd gotten and looked him over for any sign that he was injured. He'd repeated the process that summer when he'd returned home. Regulus was certain he'd never see that look again.
After another moment of inspecting him, Sirius nodded at the desk across from him. Regulus sighed quietly before his legs carried him across the room to his designated place, leaning against the desk. Sirius' gaze on him was intense, but Regulus couldn't bring himself to meet his brother's eye.
"So," he started, forcing his voice to be even -- almost bored sounding, "I suppose Potter told you."
Sirius didn't say anything at first. Regulus continued to keep his eyes on the floor. There was a scuff mark on the leather of his left shoe. He'd have to get that fixed before he returned to Grimmauld that December. Mother would certainly notice as soon as he stepped through the door.
"What the fuck, Reg?"
Regulus wasn't sure what caught him further off guard -- his brother's words, or how thick his brother's voice sounded. How pained. His gaze finally lifted to his brother's face. Sirius' eyes were stormy, filled with tears and a look that told Regulus his brother wanted to strangle him. He gaped at it, not knowing what to say. Luckily, Sirius never needed an excuse to keep talking.
"How could you -- why would you -- what the fuck?"
"I'm afraid I'll need you to be more specific," Regulus responded, his voice scratchy.
"More -- oh, you little prick," Sirius scoffed, laughing incredulously. "Where do you want me to start, huh? The fact that you got me out of there that night and never told me? That you-you stayed there and have let me think you hate me for the past year? Or maybe your apparent suicideattempt?"
"I wasn't actually thinking about jumping until Potter showed up," he stated, unable to help himself. "Do with that information what you will."
Sirius threw his head back and laughed again -- hysterical, in a way that reminded Regulus a bit of Bellatrix...not that he would ever voice that to Sirius. "Merlin give me strength," Sirius muttered, shaking his head as he looked at Regulus again. "Can you at least pretend not to be a little prick for five minutes? I'm trying to be a concerned big brother, here."
Regulus rolled his eyes, scoffing. "Because you've done such a good job of that this past year."
"I thought you hated me!" Sirius snapped, standing and looking down at Regulus with a near crazed look in his eyes. "I thought you stood there and watched and left me for dead! I thought you wanted nothing to do with me!"
Tears began to escape Sirius' eyes, rolling down his cheeks. The sight hit Regulus like a stab to his chest, all but forcing him to avert his gaze again. "I guess I did my job, then," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Why, Reg?" Sirius questioned -- no, begged. Begged his brother to be honest with him, to tell him why he would do that.
"Because I had to," he stated, as if it was that simple. And, to him, it was.
"That doesn't tell me anything," Sirius pressed, frustrated.
"What do you want me to say, Sirius?" Regulus asked, his voice sounding tired. And he was. Emotionally, physically -- he was just tired. "I did what I had to do so you could finally be happy."
He didn't need to be looking at Sirius to know that he was looking at him with a confused expression. "In what world does thinking my baby brother hates me make me happier?"
Regulus closed his eyes, shaking his head slightly. "Can you tell me that if I hadn't kept my distance you wouldn't have tried to get me out too?"
"Of course I would have tried to get you out too!" Sirius exclaimed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"And that's exactly why I had to do it!" Regulus returned, looking at his brother again. He wished he hadn't, because he needed to stay strong to get through this. Seeing the heartbroken look on Sirius' face wasn't helping that at all. "Mother and Father need their heir. They would never let us both leave! You know that! They let you go because I stayed! And I-I -- maybe I did it for myself too, because if I'd let myself go to you --" Regulus' voice caught in his throat, the back of his eyes stinging. He closed them, willing away the tears that pressed and regaining his speech. "I've always been the spare -- the insurance policy that they never wanted. I've never been good enough in their eyes. I'm too weak, too emotional, too pathetic. I mean nothing to them -- I amnothing." Too far, Regulus. Bring it back. Keep it together. "I was already at a disadvantage in everyone's eyes. Ever since you left they've all just been...waiting for me to fail, to prove to them what they've always known." Regulus forced himself to open his eyes, but he still couldn't look at his brother. "But I can't fail, because if I do then I give them a reason to look to you again. To drag you back to a place that will kill you. And I couldn't let that happen -- I still can't. So I pretended to hate you. I pretended that you were dead to me so they wouldn't get word that I was still associating with you. Because, in the choice between two disappointments, they'll choose the one who was born and raised for the role. Every time."
Sirius didn't say anything as he took in his younger brother's words. Regulus knew what he was thinking. Even Sirius -- stubborn, infuriating Sirius -- couldn't deny that what Regulus was saying was the truth. He knew what their parents were like. He knew how crazy they were when it came to the family name. Upholding it, preserving it, continuing the legacy that had spanned generations. They were the only two capable of carrying on the family name. If there was one thing Walburga and Orion Black refused to do, it was being the two people responsible for ending the bloodline. They would do anything to prevent that from happening -- anything. Toujours Pur.
"So you were just going to...what?" Sirius asked. His voice was lacking the bite it had previously. Instead, it was quiet, rough, as if he was also fighting to keep it together. "Stay there? Live the life they planned out for you? Marry some prissy pureblood girl and have a couple kids? Let more and more of yourself die every day under the weight of the pressure and what-what they do...for me?"
"It's the least I could do," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "That's what you did for me -- protected me, no matter how harsh the cost was to you. But I'm not a little kid anymore -- I can take it. I can take what she does, because I'm doing it for you. It was time for me to pay you back."
The room was silent for a moment, the air thick. Then, all of a sudden, Regulus was being pulled up into the crushing embrace of his older brother. He froze at first, not knowing what to do, but Sirius didn't let go. If anything, he just held his little brother tighter. "You're so dumb, Reg," Sirius stated, his voice thick and his body trembling with silent cries as he held his little brother close. "You're so, so dumb."
It was a feeling that was painfully familiar and foreign all at once. It was all Regulus wanted for so long -- to feel safe in his brother's arms just one more time. It was too much. Too much too soon. Regulus couldn't have fought the tears that began to escape his eyes if he'd tried. As they began to fall, Regulus melted into his brother's body, pressing his face into Sirius' shoulder. After all this time, he thought, he still smells the same. Still my big brother. Still my Siri. He wrapped his arms around Sirius, practically clinging to him as his tears picked up and his body began to tremble with the weight of his sobs. "I'm sorry," he cried, voice muffled by Sirius' shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Shh," Sirius cooed, one of his hands shifting to begin carding through Regulus' hair. The simple action was enough to make Regulus sob harder. When they were young, Sirius always used to card his fingers through Regulus' hair to calm him down -- nightmares, panic attacks, punishments. Sirius always knew exactly what to do. "You have nothing to be sorry for, little star."
"I'm so sorry."
"None of that," Sirius scolded gently, shifting his head to press a gentle kiss to the top of Regulus'
"I'm so tired, Siri," Regulus admitted weakly, a rough sob tearing through his chest.
Sirius' hold tightened at the childhood nickname. Regulus could feel his brother's breath hitch ever so slightly. He pressed his face harder into Sirius' shoulder. "I'm here now, Reg. I've got you." He pressed another kiss to his baby brother's dark curls. "I've got you. I'm not going anywhere."
Regulus wasn't sure how long they stayed like that -- holding each other, crying, Sirius whispering promises that everything was going to be alright. He told Regulus his plan -- how Potter had already written to his parents, how there was a room waiting for him, how he was going to make sure that their parents could never hurt either of them again. Regulus wanted more than anything to believe him. He wanted to believe that they could be safe -- that they could be brothers again. Eventually, they stopped crying. He wasn't sure if it was because he was feeling better or because he'd simply cried all of the tears he had left to cry. Still, Regulus stayed contentedly in his brother's embrace. Even if he wanted to move away, he wasn't sure if he could. At this point, he was pretty sure the entire weight of his body was on his brother. If Sirius had any problems with that, he didn't say anything. He just continued to hold his little brother close, slowly carding his fingers through his hair.
"You look like shit," Sirius said after a while, his voice soft. Almost fond.
Regulus huffed out a weak laugh. "You flatter me."
"C'mon," Sirius said, nudging him gently but not moving away. "Let's get you to bed. You're practically falling asleep standing up."
"I have class," Regulus protested weakly. He didn't even sound convinced to himself.
"I'm sure you can afford to miss one or two," Sirius insisted. He finally stepped away, though he continued to hold his arm to support his weight. "Come back to mine. We'll skip class together. Ooh! We can have a sleepover. Braid each other's hair, paint our nails," he continued, beginning to lead Regulus out of the classroom. "Plan how we're gonna decorate your room at the Potters', maybe gossip a little. Uncle Alphard only tells me so much when he writes, and Andi and I are starved of how messy the rest of the family is."
A grin quirked at Regulus' lips as something came to mind. "You sure you just want family gossip?"
"What are you offering?" Sirius asked as they turned towards the stairs that would take them to Gryffindor tower, intrigued.
"What would you say if I told you Barty was sneaking out of the common room last week to raid Slughorn's stores and saw Snape and Mulciber in the common room. Alone. By the firelight."
Sirius stopped in his tracks, looking at Regulus with bright eyes. "Shut up!"
A smirk pulled at Regulus' lip, a glint of mischief returning to his eyes as he quirked an eyebrow.
"Oh, we are putting a pin in this until after your nap, and then you are telling Prongs, Moony, and I everything!" Sirius looked giddy, practically bouncing with glee as he continued to lead him to Gryffindor Tower. He thought about it for a moment before practically cackling at the thought. A grin pulled at Regulus' lips at the sound, at the feeling.
Maybe this could work out, he thought. Maybe he could have his brother back.
Maybe Regulus still had someone.