Better Ridiculous Than Boring (Drabbles)

“My dearest friends, I take great pleasure in welcoming you all to this beautiful night of debauchery. Let us all take a moment to thank our gracious hosts, our fearless leaders, the head boy and girl, for the use of their dorm for tonight’s proceedings.” Theo Nott was always one for dramatics. Always had been, according to Malfoy. That had surprised Hermione at first, because in all honesty, she’d truly not noticed the slytherin in any of her classes throughout their time at Hogwarts. He’d faded into the background, not wanting to participate in the teasing or the torture that his housemates once delighted in. After the war, in an era of healing and forgiveness, his true personality was on show for the world to see. Hermione loved it. “They ask only that you are appropriate and respectful around their children.” He gestured to the collection of plants on the windowsill. Malfoy had named them all, and she’d found herself really quite attached to the Granger-Malfoy brood. An ongoing joke that had gotten incredibly out of hand, everyone now just accepted that they took their roles as plant parents incredibly seriously.
“Touch any of my kids and I’ll skin you alive.” Malfoy pointed around the room threateningly, and Hermione laughed.
“Quite. Anyway, it wouldn’t be a get-together in a Hogwarts dorm if we didn’t play never have I ever, so if you could all get a drink and arrange yourselves in a lovely little circle. Perhaps prepare yourselves for spilling some of your closely guarded secrets if you haven’t danced with slytherins before now.”
“Must you be quite so ominous, Theo? Look at Weasley’s face, you’ve scared the poor boy silly.” Pansy smirked, and Ron flushed.
“Fucking snakes.” He muttered. “Harry, you bloody owe me one.” He pointed at his friend, who grinned.
“We’re bonding, Ronald.” Hermione teased, and everyone laughed. It had been Hermione who first ventured into the snake pit, partly through her forced proximity to Malfoy, but she also found herself quite liking her slytherin peers now their prejudices were dead and buried. Harry had been all too keen to capitalise on her new found friendships, after revealing that he’d been harbouring something of a crush for a good while. Even with Ron’s hesitation, that didn’t stop Harry from becoming half of the most obnoxiously cute couple the world had ever known.
“I promised Harry I’d play nice, don’t panic Weasley. It isn’t in my interests to upset him.” Theo grinned wolfishly and Malfoy groaned next to her.
“Yes, we know, you two fuck like rabbits in heat. Are we playing or not?” He asked, and Pansy stuck her hand in the air.
“I feel moved by the spirits to speak! Never have I ever fucked someone who is currently in this room.”
Everyone drank, and Pansy looked exceptionally pleased with herself.
“Excellent work, Pans, as always. I kind of want to know who’s shagged who now though.” Blaise said, and Theo yelled his agreement.
“Go round the circle, nobody be fucking boring, I want every single person you’ve shagged, not just the one as a cop out. You first, Harold. I’ve a vested interest.”
His boyfriend shot him a withering look, but answered all the same.
“You, obviously. Ginny, and, er, Mione.”
“You what?! Mr she’s-like-a-sister-to-me?” Ron asked, grinning madly. Hermione rubbed a stressed hand over her face, and Pansy winked at her, apparently impressed that the golden trio was not quite as platonic as they made it seem.
“It was only once, and I don’t think either of us particularly enjoyed it much.” He looked sheepishly at Hermione, who shook her head.
“A terrible mistake, never again. Don’t worry, Theo, you don’t need to fight me for his hand.”
“I do adore Harry, but I’d never fight you, Granger. We all know I’d lose so badly that my ego would never recover.”
“Can someone else name names please, I’m exposed all on my own here!” Harry said, indignant in tone and desperate to change the subject.
“Of course, my dear. Mine is only Harry, terribly dull and not at all sordid. You next, Blaise.” Theo smiled, and Blaise scowled at him.
“You’re such a dick sometimes.” He mumbled, before sighing loudly. “Pansy and Ginevra.”
“Ginny! You never told me that!” Hermione yelled accusingly, and Pansy smirked.
“You want to tell them that it was at the same time, Weasley?” She said, and Ginny hid her face behind a cushion whilst everyone whistled and cheered. Blaise looked very pleased with himself, whilst Ron slammed his hands over his ears, apparently not so pleased with knowing such detail about his sister’s sex life.
“Moving on. Mine are lovely Ginevra, as you’re now all aware, Blaise, and Draco.” Pansy said, turning to Ginny next to her with an expectant smile.
“Blaise, Pansy, and Harry.” She shrugged a little.
Hermione huffed lightly, and Malfoy laughed under his breath, knowing what she was about to say.
“Harry, Ron, and Malfoy.” Everyone stared at her, before the shouting began.
“When THE FUCK!” Pansy shouted, clearly feeling betrayed by her friends.
“No, that is a good question, when was the fuck, Hermione Granger!” Ginny asked, smirking widely. Ron has gone very pale, Harry and Theo were laughing with each other, and Malfoy looked inordinately happy about the situation.
“You know what, what happens in the heads dorm stays in the heads dorm, alright?” She smiled, and Malfoy tilted his cup towards her. They hit them against each other, the plastic not clinking as glass would, but she laughed anyway.
“Obviously mine are Granger and Pans. On you go, Weasley, complete the circle for us.” Malfoy taunted Ron, who looked on the edge of a full on breakdown.
“Yeah, I mean. Mione. Fine.” He muttered, and Harry clapped his friend on the back.
“Someone ask another question before Ron explodes.” He said jokingly.
“Never have I ever cheated on a test? I want to see Granger squirm.” Blaise said, winking at her jokingly.
Everyone drank except Hermione, Malfoy, and Theo.
Hermione gasped, scandalised at her friends.
“I don’t believe Malfoy hasn’t cheated for a second.” Ron said, and Malfoy pretended to be offended, slapping a hand over his heart.
“I’m a man of honour, Weasley, you cut me deeply.”
“Weasley, you have clearly been spared the infamous Narcissa Malfoy speech on the evils of cheating and the bodily mutilation she would readily threaten us with if she ever caught us doing so.” Theo said, and Malfoy grimaced. Hermione raised an eyebrow.
“My mother has always been rather graphic with her cruel and unusual threats. I wasn’t about to risk her wrath, not for anything.”
“It also helps that you’re both massive swots. You wouldn’t cheat even without the threat from mummy, you wouldn’t want to undermine your academic achievement.” Pansy sneered slightly, and everyone laughed as Malfoy scowled.
“They didn’t give you head boy for nothing, Malfoy.” Ginny added.
“Can someone ask another question, please?” He grit out, and Hermione patted his arm placatingly.
“Never have I ever convinced a friend to dump someone they were seeing.” Ginny threw out, and Pansy hummed appreciatively.
Hermione, Malfoy, and Pansy all drank.
“Stories please!” Theo yelled, pointing at them excitedly.
Hermione sighed. “It’s hardly interesting. Padma and Cormac McLaggen.”
A rousing chorus of ‘fucking McLaggen’ from all the boys proved Hermione’s point, and they moved on quickly, not wishing to dwell on that particular gryffindor.
“I convinced Draco to dump Astoria Greengrass.” Pansy beamed, and Malfoy rolled his eyes.
“And then immediately started dating her yourself.”
She scowled at him.
“You didn’t even like her that much, don’t pretend to be upset about it.”
“I turned Pansy off Michael Corner. Merlin, he was dull.”
“Corner? Seriously? He spends more time in the library that Mione does.” Ron said, apparently having found the courage he needed to participate more actively.
“We all do what we must when a man is hung like a centaur.” Pansy shrugged, and split the group. The girls all laughed loudly, whilst the boys groaned at the mention of what Corner had apparently been packing.
“Moving swiftly on, I’ve got a mushy one. Never have I ever accidentally told someone you love them.” Theo asked.
Harry and Malfoy both drank, and the group immediately mocked them for it.
“Well, there we have it, our secret romantics.” Theo grinned.
“You’re not going to tell us what happened, are you?” Blaise said, and Malfoy simply flipped him off, before draining his drink. Hermione laughed quietly behind her hand, knowing exactly what had happened. She’d gotten quite close with Malfoy over the past few months, and they confided in each other fairly often, finding more understanding than they would elsewhere.
“I’ll tell you mine, seeing as she’s here.” Harry gestured to Ginny, who waved like she’d just won prom queen.
“Oh, that’s sweet, Harold.” Theo cooed, and he glared at his boyfriend, before softening into a smile as he was unable to maintain his expression.
“Yes, far too sweet for my liking. Never have I ever walked in on my parents!” Pansy declared.
“You can’t have another go already, Pans!” Hermione said, but people drank anyway.
Specifically, Ron, Ginny, and Blaise.
“Great Salazar, both of you? I guess all those Weasleys had to come from somewhere.” Blaise said over his cup. Ginny and Ron shared a grimace. “Mine is far less traumatic, I’m not even sure if it was stepdad number 6 or 7.”
“Such a stable home life you have, darling.” Pansy smiled, and Blaise raised his cup in a pretend toast.
“Can we get some sort of extra points if we don’t have parents to walk in on?” Harry asked, Hermione and Theo throwing their support behind him.
“I reckon you already win by getting to avoid that particular sight. Burned onto my eyeballs for the rest of time it is.” Ron said, and they decided to drop it.
Hermione hummed. “Oh, I’ve got one.” She smiled, mischief in her eyes. “Never have I ever gone skinny dipping in the lake.”
All the gryffindors drank, as the slytherins looked around in shock.
“When did you all do that?!” Malfoy asked her. “And why wasn’t I there?”
She ignored the last part of his sentence. “Start of the year, we were just sitting around thinking of things we’d never done at Hogwarts, and if we could do them before we left. Gin suggested it, no surprises there, and we went that night.”
“And, of course, the water was exceptionally cold.” Ginny grinned, and Harry and Ron awkwardly avoided her gaze.
“Merlin, that’s your brother, Ginevra. Gross.” Pansy chastised her playfully, knowing her comment had been aimed at Harry.
“I’ve got one. Never have I ever written poetry for a crush.” Harry smiled, and Ginny threw her cushion at him.
Ginny drank, and in the commotion, the group didn’t notice Hermione and Malfoy sipping their own drinks. They glanced at each other, smirking at their shared secrets.
“I want to know if these slytherin parties are as wild as everyone says. Never have I ever got black out drunk on school grounds.” Ron asked, and the snakes shared smirks between them.
Malfoy, Theo, Blaise, Pansy, and Hermione all drank. Her gryffindor friends stared at her, shocked.
“I can confirm they are, Ronald.” She smiled innocently, and Pansy laughed at the look on his face.
“Why the hell have you been? I thought it was strictly snakes only!”
“Oh, Granger’s been an honorary slytherin for a while now, Weasley.” Malfoy replied, smirking once again. “But enough about her drinking habits, I’m getting bored. Never have I ever shagged in a public place.”
He asked, swigging his own drink generously. Hermione followed suit, as did Harry and Theo.
“Please don’t elaborate on that Theo, I already know way too much about what you get up to with Harry.” Hermione said, seeing the look on his face.
“Alright, golden girl, I’ll keep that particular story to myself. I see you drinking too though, what have you been up to? Is it completely predictable like in the library?” He teased, but then laughed loudly as her face gave away that he was correct.
“An admirable location, and one I would recommend wholeheartedly for anyone yet to experience it.” Malfoy commented, becoming more talkative the more he drank.
The game continued, with everyone slowly getting more and more plastered on the firewhiskey. At some point, Hermione had moved closer to Malfoy, leaning against him slightly. Nobody had mentioned it, but Malfoy had slung his arm up onto the edge of the sofa cushion, one move away from it being around her.
“Never have I ever had to hide a love bite!” Ginny squealed, and Hermione, Malfoy, Harry, and Theo drank. They’d found out quickly that some members of the group were slightly more adventurous in the bedroom than others, and so the sexual questions ramped up, trying to out certain proclivities. Hermione might have panicked had she been sober, but she wasn’t, so she didn’t.
“Never have I ever had a secret relationship?” Blaise asked, eyeing the room suspiciously. She hesitated slightly before taking a drink, Malfoy following suit.
With everyone several drinks deep, there were no follow up questions about it. She wondered vaguely if anyone might ask tomorrow, if they managed to remember anything that had happened tonight.
As the alcohol became too much, and people started falling asleep on their sofas, Hermione stood, collecting the abandoned cups on unsteady legs. She’d always been able to hold her drink, but she was definitely feeling it.
“You think they’ve worked it out?” Malfoy asked, suddenly standing behind her, steadying hands on her hips. She glanced around, observing that everyone else had passed out, and so turned to face him.
“I don’t, actually. I think the problem questions only came out once they were too pissed to care.”
He hummed, nuzzling his face into her hair. He was clearly drunker than she was, something she hadn’t noticed until now.
“Well, I’m not sleeping out here with this lot. I’ve got a bed, nobody’s stopping me using it.” He said, stepping over Blaise’s legs with surprising grace considering his condition. He disappeared inside his room, not before muttering their usual goodnight. “Love you, Granger.”
She smiled, remembering the earlier question. Malfoy had told her that he loved her after the first time they’d kissed, before they’d even slept together, and had been so mortified by his accidental confession that he’d locked himself in his room for the entire weekend. In the end, she’d dismantled his wards herself from the outside, marched inside, and said it back. She hadn’t been lying either. It had taken her by surprise to say the least, but she really did love the wizard. More often than not, Hermione’s bed went unused, but they’d agreed earlier to sleep separately as not to arouse suspicion. They both liked the secrecy, like their relationship was just for them. They’d known there was a pretty high likelihood of it being splashed across the Prophet the moment they went public, and they just wanted some time without all that pressure first. The only person that knew was Malfoy’s mother, a necessity after she was relentless in her attempts to set Malfoy up with various witches of her acquaintance, and when they’d told her, Hermione was completely surprised by the way the woman had welcomed her with open arms. Malfoy had confided in her later that his mother was completely overjoyed at the news, and had held her son for nearly ten minutes, muttering various words of praise and pride at his choice of partner. Narcissa had been nothing but sweet, if a little overbearing with her constant inferences at what sort of wedding they might like, but Hermione would take what she could get. She’d assumed her blood status would be a problem, but it had not once been mentioned, and Malfoy had said that it had genuinely never crossed either of their minds. How times change.
After having tidied up slightly, and draping blankets over her friends as best she could, she retired to her own room. Throwing caution to the wind, she decided not to change her routine and still slept in Malfoy’s old quidditch jersey as she usually did. She’d explain that one away tomorrow, right now, she just enjoyed being wrapped in the green fabric that still carried his scent. It was almost as good as actually sleeping next to the blonde wizard.
She fell asleep quickly, a content smile on her face.