S.T.A.Y

Bucky fell asleep for the plane ride home. Steve didn’t dare to wake him up. Almost twelve hours of solid sleep, snoring quietly. Steve was honestly surprised he hadn’t woken up once. The lack of rest had really caught up to Bucky. He’d rather let Bucky sleep that stress, to be completely honest. When Bucky was stressed, it was not pretty by an means. Mental breakdowns with Bucky was something that was to be expected. Steve had to prepare himself for that. 

Mentally, Bucky wasn’t all there. Steve knew that and so did Shuri. It was a common occurrence to see Bucky staring off into space. He never responded to anything when he got like that. A firework could go off next to him and he wouldn’t budge. Shuri, however, had never fully diagnosed him. It made sense. Shuri only aimed to rid Bucky of the conditioning that Hydra put him through. She told Steve through text that she regrets not identifying his mental health disorders. Steve assured her she did what she thought was best. Rogers, on the other hand, had his suspicions about what Bucky had. He knew that the “relapse” as he and Shuri were calling it, had set back whatever progress Bucky had made. He get Bucky back to a normal. He swore it. 

Steve snapped out of his haze when he noticed Bucky string about in his sleep. His eyes twitched, breathing quickened. He mumbled something among the lines of “No,” and “Stop.” 

Nightmare. Again. 

Steve got them too, after the shit he’d seen, he was bound to end up with them. They really set in after he’d seen Barnes fall from the train. After all that Bucky had gone through of these past few decades, Steve couldn’t even imagine the terror went through with his nightmares. Bucky began to toss and turned, breathing fast now and pushing further back into his chair. 

“Bucky,” Steve’s voice was gentle as to not scare him. “Bucky, wake up. You’re having a nightmare.” He didn’t budge. Bucky still tossed, trying to find a way out in his dream. Cautiously, Steve touched Bucky's shoulder, rubbing it oh so softly. “Follow my voice, Bucky.” Slowly, Bucky calmed down, letting his muscles relax. It took a few more moments for Bucky to finally open his eyes with a flutter.

“Steve?” he called out, his voice groggy. 

“Hey buddy,” Steve replied.

“Shit,” He grumbled. “Sorry you had to see that.”

“Don’t worry about it. It happens.”

“How long was I out for?”

“Almost twelve hours.”

“Twelve?!”

“Hey, you needed it. I let you do you’re thing.”

Bucky rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, throwing his head back and yawning simultaneously. “Jeez. Thanks for letting me sleep.”

“Of course, Buck.” Steve would never tell Bucky this to his face. He’d actually rather go back into the ice, but this was difficult. So difficult seeing Bucky like this. He was a shell of of the man he used to be. Part of him suspected that Bucky had knew this. As much as Bucky wanted to be normal, Steve knew that it would never be perfect. And that was okay. Steve would still help him not matter what.

The pair landed about twenty minutes later, both eager to get off the plane. Bucky was right about one thing; New York was different. Way different. Light, noise and people galore. It was extremely overstimulating. Bucky felt like a million eyes were on him as he walked with Steve to the Taxi. Even in the Taxi, Bucky was anxious as all hell. It made him exceptionally quiet. Quieter than normal, prompting him to only respond him hums and head gestures. Steve grew worried. Worry racked his mind, till he saw Bucky trying to pick at his thumb. Then it clicked as to why Bucky was quiet. Steve sped up to try and get Bcuky settled into the apartment sooner.

“Almost there,” Bucky cheered, trying to lift Bucky’s sprits. It elicited a small, “Yay!” from Bucky. Good enough. 

When Steve opened the door to his apartment, he grew remarkably embarrassed. While he was so excited about having Bucky live with him, he had completely forgotten that he hadn’t been the tidiest when he left. Steve actually left so fast he left out a few food items on the counter, which were now spoiled. A deep clean from his apartment was actually long overdue now that he thought about it.

“Shit.. uhhh sorry about the mess,” he groaned, “I wasn;t expecting to come home with you in tow, so I didn’t get a chance to pick up.”

Bucky didn’t say a word, just slowly walking around the place, taking it all in. If Buck was being honest, he loved the messiness of the apartment. He'd been used to the strict cleanliness of Hydra and if anything was out of order Or wasn't clean to Hydra standards, he was to be punished. There had actually been a few instances with Hydra where he was punished even for the smallest little mistakes for putting something away incorrectly. Seeing the messiness of the apartment was soothing in a way. 

“I don't mind,” he smirked. “I actually like it, it's a change, it's what I need. I'm too used to the cleanliness of Hydra and all their strict rules. This place actually looks like someone lives here.”

Steve gave out a small sigh of relief. Originally if pre war Bucky had seen the estate of his apartment he would have lost his shit. Between the two men Bucky has always been the cleaner one. He had actually been rammed a few times by Bucky for not cleaning up his room back home with his mom and dad. On that day, before they actually hung out and did anything together, Bucky forced Steve to clean his room, otherwise he was going home early. Bucky was able to recall that. It felt good being able to recall a memory, seeing that all of his recent memories had been with Hydra. It was nice to remember something else aside from that. 

Steve watched as Bucky walked around touching literally anything he could. Watching Bucky walk around the room the way that he did, gave him a good amount of reassurance. He wasn't too sure how comfortable Bucky would be, but it seemed like he was getting the hang of it. 

“There's a spare room if you want to use that,” Steve said. “It's got a few things in there that need to be put away, but then it's all yours. We can temporarily set up an air mattress for the time being, stuff it with some blankets and pillows before we can actually get you a brand new mattress.”

Bucky shook his head. “No bed. At least not anytime soon.They are too soft.”

“They're too soft, right? “Steve chuckled.”

“Yes, Shuri thought I was crazy. I actually refused to sleep on a bed for the longest time. I insisted that I slept on the floor with a few blankets.” 

“I felt the same way for years. I still have trouble sleeping in the bed sometimes.On some nights, I'll just come out into the living room and lay down on the couch, falling asleep there,” Steve set the suitcase to the side, walking to the couch to clean up the pillows so Bucky could sit.

“I'm just preparing you now, so that way you know we've got a very long day ahead of us tomorrow,” Steve chimed.

Bucky whipped his head around face Steve, his eyes wide as he slightly freaked out. “What? Why?”

“Shuri Set up our consultations with all the specialists that we need. That was part of the deal that she gave you. Remember, if you came to live with me, she would choose specialists of her choosing. That way you could be taken care and properly assessed at all times,” he explained. “Everything is tomorrow just so we can get all the assessments done at once. That way it doesn't take the entire week.”

It sighed, recalling the options. It was nerve wracking. It loathed the test.  all the poking, cutting, wired shots that it received with Hydra. It was enough for multiple lifetimes. Hell, probably even for the rest of eternity. 

“Will you be with it-me?” Bucky asked, riesling the slip up and twitching.

“Absolutely, Steve beamed. All the specialists are set to come here. Shuri thought it'd be best to make you as comfy as could be.”

It… Bucky, smiled softly through it’s anxiety. Shuri was an angel. Truly. He would never be able to make it up to her. Even if she couldn't fix him, he was still in her debt for the rest of his life and any lifetimes after that. 

He swallowed, still feeling the anxiety taking over him. “The… uhh, specialists. They’re not gonna hurt me, right?” Bucky asked rather sheepishly. “I know the answer is yes, but I just have to hear it.”

Steve nodded, understanding where Bucky was coming from. “You don’t have to explain yourself. It’s whatever eases your anxiety. And to answer your question, no. The most they’ll be doing is bloodwork to check that everything is normal.” 

Bucky winced thinking about the bloodwork. It was a miracle that it had managed to survive all of Shuris testing. It dreaded whenever the princess ordered for bloodwork. Thinking of it, it was really just a blur. A blur of memories and a existential feeling of dread as they drew blood. It always thought that it’s chest was going to exploded with how nervous it got. On the front, Bucky remind calmed and composed, internally, however, it would freak out back at Wakanda. It dared not to say a word of what it felt. It wasn’t supposed to feel.

A good soldier did not feel.

A good soldier never complained.

A good soldier never got nervous or scared. 

So why was it scared and nervous now? It had been through this. It was being weak. Weak meant defective. Defective meant maintenance. Or punishment. It had to do the tests and the checkups, bloodwork, whatever! Shuri had done this all before. Why was this time so… 

Different. 

It was different. Why was it so different? Why did it struggle so much? Basic tasks, basic orders, anything basic it seemingly failed to do. It shouldn’t-

“-ky? Talk to me, what’s going on?” steve called out.

“Shit, sorry,” he mumbled, kicking his feet around as he stared at them.

right you spaced out for a few minutes there steve explained bucky nodded, avoiding eye contact and still staring at his feet. That greatly concerned Steve.He stopped what he was doing just to stare off into space. No precursor, no nothing. Just stare. The most he did was stare, arm and hand slightly twitching.That was something that Steve was going to bring up to the doctor.

“Can I sit down? Bucky asked, rather quietly, embarrassed from his little episode.

“You don't need to ask Buck. Sit wherever.

“Right. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize.”

“Sorry.”

SteveI could pick up on the fact that Barnes wasn't in a good headspace. He wondered if it was an accumulation of the plane ride, the nightmare and all the noise that was New York. Maybe it was the stress of the past few days.At this point, Steve wasn't really too sure.He was stressing him out, though he dared not show that to Bucky. His main concern was just making sure that he got back to his normal. Not a perfect normal, just a normal. 

For the rest of the night, Bucky would go blank, staring off into the distance and twitching. Occasionally, during one of these episodes, he'd smack his lips. He greatly worried Steve to see this. They'd be in the middle of talking, and Bucky would go blank. Even while they tied it up the spare room, Bucky would be grabbing something and Just stare off. He clutched whatever he was holding extremely hard. As if somebody was grabbing his nervous system, squeezing tightly to contract his muscles

“Bucky. Steve caught out.

“Hmm?” Bucky replied.

You know that you can talk to me, right? You can tell me anything. Whatever is on your mind, or whatever thoughts and questions may be running through your head, you can speak it.

Bucky bit his tongue, the tightness returning in his chest. Hydra had always told him that a good soldier doesn't feel or have any form of a preference need or want. But it was safe. It was with Steve. Steve was its friend. Pierce said He was its friend too, along with the Rumlow. A friend didn't treat it the way that Rumlow and Pierce did. A friend wouldn't tell it to do as it was told and heard it, just as Rumlow did.

“Sorry, Steve, He crooked out. “It's just…” He shot off. He couldn't find the words. Bucky groaned in frustration, sitting on the edge of the bed. He could feel the sob getting lodged into his throat. He choked it down for as long as he could. We actually did a decent job at doing so, managing to keep his composure. It was a miracle. Buck just held his head in his hand, closing his eyes. He was fine. He refused to break in front of Steve again.

That was until he felt the edge of the bed dipped down next to him.When he opened his eyes, he found Steve sitting next to him with caring eyes.That's when Bucky broke. He thought his lip quiver and the tears rolled down and he turned away out of shame. That he had cried in front of Steve. He was a grown man crying in front of another grown man about God only knows what at this point. Bucky felt stupid. It was weak and it had failed to follow its orders. Failed to follow its programming.It was defective. 

“Fuck,” He choked out, his sob strangled.” It's n-not supposed to cry. C-crying means weakness and it is not weak.”

Steve gently took his hand within his and squeezed. “Well, you can be weak with me. Weakness isn't something that is frowned upon. At least not with me.” 

It was like someone had flicked on a switch. There it was. Bucky burst into tears, letting them roll down full force. The sob he had choked down for so long came back up. He didn't make much noise when he cried, however. Just inhaling sharply and sniffling, letting all the tears pool on the fabric of his shirt. Steve didn't move, letting Buck get out of his system. He was stressed, and rightfully so. Everything that had happened over the past few days was a lot. He'd completely relapsed with any progress he'd made. It was inevitable that this was going to happen. 

Steve knew it. So did Shuri. 

Bucky fully believed that everything that had happened was his fault. Steve, however, was not aware Bucky thought this. He wanted to open up and tell him, He really did. He just couldn't. Physically and mentally, he could not open up to Steve. He harbored it in, letting it bottle and fester within him like a disgusting disease. And he knew deep down that Steve would help him no matter what. If Bucky told him “I wanna go back to Wakanda,” Steve would drop whatever he was doing and take him to the airport to get him back to Wakanda. 

Steve would still do whatever it took to get Bucky back to a normal. If that meant letting Bucky cry, whatever, then so be it. If that meant sitting with him through any mental breakdowns, so be it. Whatever it takes.