Bucky didn’t get much sleep that night. His mind was fried from his break down earlier, plus his long stretch of sleep on the plane ride back home didn’t help. He didn't remembers a single that happened during his sleepless night. It was a blur to him. When he did manage to catch some sleep, it was light. There was no background noise. Just silence. He hated it. Bucky swore he could hear his own blood pumping through his body. It drove him off the walls.

When the morning came, he only came out of his room upon hearing stare moving about in the kitchen. He didn’t wanna worry him by already being out there. Steve had taken bucky in and had been caring for him. Steve said something to him, but Bucky hadn’t the slightest clue that he was talking to him. He just took a seat at the table and stared. Just stared. Like before, he’d snap out of it, looking around or shifting in his seat before rolling back into his staring. 

Steve was worried. Extremely worried. In the few days he’d been with Bucky, he’d gotten progressively worse. Rogers was grateful that he was getting assessed today. It’d be nice to finally get some answers and insight. Even just a little bit would be mor than enough. Steve couldn't bear to see his friend like this. Bucky was everything to him. Sometimes, Steve wondered what it would be like if they were more than just friends. He would sometimes catch himself imagining what life with Bucky would be like. It was legal now and not as frowned upon. It was ridiculous to think about. Even when Buck was to get better, he wouldn’t want to destroy what they had. 

“Helloooo?” Bucky called out, “Anyone home?” Steve looked over at Bucky, a little taken aback that he was talking. 

“Yeah, buddy?” He replied.

“I said I was sorry.” He said, his face devoid of emotion. The one thing that Steve did catch was that his pupils. They were dilated for some odd reason.

“Why are you apologizing?” Steve was confused. He hadn’t done anything wrong. 

Bucky sighed, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again. “I’m not preforming like I used to. I don’t function properly I can barely get by. I’m dragging you down with me.”

Steve went wide eyes, shocked that bucky thought that. On one hand, he was super glad that Bucky was speaking his mind, but on the other, he was devastated to hear how Bucky felt. 

“Buck, you are not dragging me down,” he started, “You haven't even been here for 24 hours. You have to let yourself adjust and give yourself plenty of time. I'm here with you every step of the way. That's why I offered to take you in.” 

Bucky felt… confused? He didn’t know how to feel after hearing that. He couldn't tell if it made him angrier to hear the same old spiel over and over again, or if he felt happy knowing that Steve was here with him. 

“You're gonna be here with me no matter what?" He asked curiously.

“When I told you I'm with you till the end of the line, I meant it. I know you let the back of my hand. I can tell you didn't get enough sleep just by looking at your eyes and that's fine with me. If you didn't get any sleep, I want you to be able to knock on my door so we can talk. It can be for a bit, or it can be till the sun comes up. I don't care. I'm with you till the end of the line and I mean it.”

Rather than feeling happy over the fact that Steve was supporting him, Bucky felt rather upset and hostile towards Steve. Yet he didn't dare to say anything. He knew Steve meant good; he just couldn't figure out why he was so angry towards that response. He took a deep breath. “I needed that,” He spoke. And it was true, he did. He needed that little bit of reassurance. Hydra had torn him down and stripped him of all his dignity. To be told that by Steve had been a relief, but he still could not determine why he was angry about hearing it. 

“So, what's first on the agenda? Bucky asked. Steve pulled out his phone. Let's see… We've got the physical assessment with our phlebotomist and nurse, then the doctor will come in and chat with you. After that we've got the psychologist coming in to do a mental assessment and we'll end things off with the nutritionist.” When Steve looked up, he saw Bucky staring off into space again, worried. He had snapped his fingers in front of Bucky to try and grab his attention. He was not expecting him to retract his body his eyes forming a scowl.

“Jesus, just call for me if you want to get my attention, Bucky sassed, chuckling dryly.

“Just wanted to make sure you're still with me.”

“Well, duh, I'm just thinking, that's all.”

“About what?”

Bucky had turned bright red. He wasn't expecting Steve to ask such a random question like that. In reality, Bucky was thinking about a life with Steve and how angry Bucky had gotten with it for now reason, even though Steve is treating him with the utmost care and respect. he imagined the two of them dancing In the apartment like damned fools with the record playing in the background. Though all his memories were blurry, hidden in the darkest areas, Steve was his guiding light to getting better and he felt as if he couldn't have it. This anger that festered within his chest told him otherwise. He was undeserving of Steve's love and attention. 

“Nothing important, he mumbled. Trying to hide the fact that he was red, letting his unexplainable anger bubble aside. 

Steve raised an eyebrow to that. “Are you sure?”

Bucky nodded, now annoyed that Steve was still questioning him. Rogers chuckled, finally noticing how red Bucky was. It was silent for a moment, which irked Bucky. The silence let his thoughts creep in, both anger and sadness mixing as one gross amalgamation. As if his prayers had been answered, there was a knock at the door. Lo and behold, it was the nurse and doctor that Shuri had called for to assess Bucky. 

“Steve Rogers?” The nurse questioned

“The one and only!” he replied, flashing a quick smile.

“Perfect, I’m Lindsey and this is Dr. Hartfelt. I’m the phlebotomist and nurse. I will be doing the blood work and the physical assessment on Mr. Barnes per the request of Princess Shuri of Wakanda.

Stev welcomed the two ladies in, noticing that bucky was restless. He rapidly tapped is foot on the floor, fiddling with his thumbs simultaneously. 

“Whose doing my bloodwork?” Bucky asked, his face shifting into an expression of fear, then annoyance when Lindsay had raised her hand, but he just nodded placing his arm out on the table. “Just get it over with,” he grumbled, “Please.” Steve could feel a little hostility in the air, eyeing Bucky to make sure that he was okay.

“Mr. Rogers, I'd like to speak with you in private if that's alright,” Dr. Hartfelt spoke. Steve glanced at Bucky who gestured for him to go ahead and talk with the doctor. As Lindsay prepped Bucky's arm to place in the needle, he noticed that she was very unsure of her needle placement poking slightly at the skin, unsure of if she wanted to insert the needle. She repeated this process about 5 to 7 times, Bucky getting more annoyed with each attempt. He wanted this to be done and over with. He had dreaded blood work, and he hated needles. She just wanted to drag it out and take her sweet ass time. To him, anyways.

“I'm sorry, Mr. Barnes. I am just having trouble finding a good vein. Your veins seem very fragile,” Lindsey explained. 

“Well, try faster. I want to get this done and over with,” He snapped slightly. When she failed to find a vein, poking Bucky slightly and then removing the needle quickly, he retracted his arm before laying it in front of her again.

“Steve!” He called out, officially pissed off. Steve came around the corner, Dr. Hartfelt in tow. 

“What’s wrong?” Steve asked. 

“She can’t find the vein and it’s stressing me out and pissing me the hell off,” he sneered, eyeing Lindsey from the corner of his eye. “It’s fucking ridiculous.” 

“Okay, let’s refrain from hostile vocabulary, okay Mr. Barnes?” Dr. Hartfelt spoke calmly. Her tone was too calm. As a matter of fact, it seemed almost condescending to Bucky. His eyebrows furrowed into anger, Staring down Dr. Hartfelt.

“Tell me what vocabulary to use again and I'll come across this table,” Bucky replied, his fist balled up.

“Okay, okay!” Steve defused, “Let's just take a breather and let's get this assessment done, that way you guys can be on your way.” 

Without any warning, Lindsey managed to find a vein, quickly inserted the needle to get it over with. 

“What the hell?!” he yelled, now fearful.

“You said that you wanted to get it done and over with. When you bought up your fist, I found a vein and I took my opportunity,” Lindsey explained. “I’m sorry, I should’ve given a warning. 

“Yeah, you fucking think?” he growled. 

“Buck,” Steve nudged his shoulder. “It’s okay.” But Bucky didn't reply. When Steve Looked over to him, Bucky was blank his eyelids fluttering. It was happening again, these same staring spells that Bucky had been experiencing since they got back had displayed itself in perfect timing, right in front of the doctor. Dr. Hartfelt took a step forward, assessing the situation. 

“Well,” She sighed. “You were right about one thing. There is something wrong. Shuri had reported the same thing to me. She explained that every time they would have a conversation, Bucky could be in the middle of a sentence and go completely blank, then not remember anything about going completely blank and look at her like she was insane when she had tried to explain what had happened.”

“So, what's wrong with him? Steve asked.

“He's having non epileptic seizures or better known as absent seizures,” she explained, “These are typically caused by emotional distress, which in his case makes sense. Shuri Has given me a complete rundown of his medical history, including the MRI scans that she managed to complete while he was over in Wakanda in Cryostasis. It's a wonder he stays still, however.”

“Why is that?” 

“Most people will sway back and forth, twitch or freeze mid action before they come back and gain consciousness. For him to stay almost perfectly still indicates that some form of conditioning to get him to stay still. It must have been some type of extreme conditioning too.”

Before Steve Good opened his mouth, Lindsey announced that they were done with the blood work in a few seconds after she had pulled the needle out of his arm. Bucky snapped back to reality, confused as to why Lindsey was wrapping his arm cautiously. 

“We're done? He asked.

Steve's heartstrings tugged. He had no recollection of what just happened. Nothing at all. It was like his brain had fast forward through a movie on TV and was trying to play catch up now. It took a turn though when Lindsay explained calmly that he had a non-epileptic seizure and that was the reason why it had all seemed so fast. Bucky panicked. 

It knew deep down that it was defective. There was always something wrong with it. No matter how much maintenance it went through, it would be punished for this. It went from calling itself “I,” and “me,” to feeling emotions that humans have and now experiencing some form of a seizure. That feeling of dread overcame it, blocking out any sense and reason. It had jumped around from anger to confusion, now to fear. 

“It d-didn’t mean to,” he stuttered profusely. “Maintenance is required.”

Lindsey and Dr. Hartfelt Were shocked. They knew Bucky had a tendency to switch between The Winter Soldier and Bucky, but they didn't realize it was this bad to where he started referring to himself as “it.”

“Could you guys give us a moment alone? Steve asked. Both women nodded, leaving the two alone.

Bucky was as stiff as a board. He was petrified. He tightened in fear as Steve approached him. 

“Bucky,” Steve had tried to coax.

“Stop calling me that,” he snapped, wincing as he heard his slip up. “It doesn't have a name.”

“You do have a name,” Steve was calm, slowly getting closer to Bucky. “You are James Buchanan Barnes. Your friends call you Bucky.”

His eyes flickered and darted around, looking at the floor, then to Steve, then back to the door. It took a moment, but he looked up. It made eye contact with Steve. His eyes were fearful of what was to come. “It is sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize, Buck. You're okay,” Steve assured. Bucky shook his head, that familiar scowl reappearing on his face.

“It doesn't-” Stopped, took a deep breath in, and sighed out, annoyed again, “I don't feel okay.”

“We will make you feel okay. We're going to make you better,” Steve smiled. “That way you can have your chance at a normal life.” 

Bucky's anger continued to fester in his chest, clinging around to the walls of his heart. He hated the tone that everybody seemed to be taking with him nowadays. But he had no valid reason to. It was completely unreasonable to feel this amount of anger and hatred towards a tone when all Steve was trying to do was be helpful. He couldn't help feeling this way, he just didn't know why. 

“Can I go ahead and let them back in?” he asked. Bucky nodded, slowly and hesitantly.

He just didn’t want to snap again. 

Lindsey finished the rest of the physical assessment. Bucky's heart rate was decent, mainly because he'd freaked out a few minutes earlier. O2 stats were sitting good at a nice 98. Blood pressure was slightly elevated, and considering his little outburst earlier, it was expected. The main point of concern was how underweight Bucky was. Typically, he should be around 220 pounds. Bucky weighed in at a staggering 175. 

Obviously, not good for a super soldier. 

Bucky still didn't say much for the rest of the assessment. His brain was fried after finding out about his seizures. He just wanted to be left alone. The amount of rage that continued to boil throughout his veins was also unhealthy. He feared lashing out at Lindsay or the doctor, snapping and pinning them on the ground put of his indescribable rage. 

“Alright, Mr. Barnes,” the doctor spoke. We're all done. I'm going to send my findings over to the Princess and talk with your nutritionist, Alright?”

 A quick and dismissing nod was all Bucky gave. “Steve, could I have a word in private? Lindsey will stay here with Mr. Barnes.”

Slightly uneasy at first, Steve looked back at Bucky, and Bucky gave a quick, reassuring nod that Steve was able to step out of the apartment. As the two left momentarily, Lindsay watched as Bucky got up from the table, just for him to lay on the floor next to the couch. 

“Don't you want to lay on the couch? She questioned, slightly concerned.

“Too soft,” he whispered just loud enough for her to catch. It was silent for a moment. Lindsay didn't mind taking the time to check her phone and to make sure that she had all her belongings. Bucky had muttered something, sounding slightly remorseful and slightly agitated. 

“What was that? She asked.

“Said I was sorry,” he replied, curling his knees into his chest. “For snapping at you earlier.”

“There's no need to apologize.”

“That's what everyone says.”

“Well, it's true.”

“Right, like how Steve says I'll be normal again one day,” his voice was now filled with sarcasm.

“You will,” she replied, feeling hopeful for him.

“Don't bullshit me,” he sneered. Lindsey was slightly taken aback, though she understood where he was coming from. For the most part. His hostility the entire visit had been something that lingered in the back of her mind. Though she did understand where his aggression might be coming from. There were so many years that he had spent with torture, murder, experimentation. To Bucky, there was no end insight. It was just an endless cycle. 

“I'm not bullshitting you,” She was calm, her tone indicating no anger. 

Bucky huffed angrily. Stop talking to me like I'm a child. I get enough of that from Steve, and I don't need it from you or that doctor either.

“I'm not talking to you like you're a child. You know Steve means well, he just wants to make sure you're okay.”

“Well, I'm obviously not okay. I try and make it seem like I am, but it never works.”

“Because you don't believe that you'll be okay.”

Bucky chuckled dryly, rolling over on his back, beyond irritated that Lindsay was still here. Who does she think that she is? She's been of no use this whole time to him. The rage boiled throughout his veins. He wanted to pounce, but for Steve's sake, he was willing to hold back. 

For the most part.

“Wow! A nurse, phlebotomist, and a therapist rolled into one! How exciting for you to go through that much schooling to get here! What's next, law school? Are you gonna be ‘Miss Lawyer’ And coach all your clients into a better mental health and win them the great big court case of the year?” Now his voice was truly dripping with sarcasm and pure aggression.

“Very funny, Bucky,” She replied, her voice dry as to not instigate.

“It wasn't supposed to be funny. Thought you would have gotten that hint considering just how smart you are.”

“Well, since I'm so smart, do you want to know what your problem is?”

“Oh boy! This will be good. Do tell me, can't-stay-in-one-lane, Lindsay.”

“You refuse to drop the act. I'm not saying this to treat you like a child, but you need to drop the act that you're completely fine and that you're not hurting. Let yourself process everything one step at a time. This whole thing isn't going to happen overnight. You want your normal? Let yourself process these emotions fully. Seems to me like you aren't, and you just keep bottling it up.” Her tone came out condescending. She didn't mean for it to. She wanted to be helpful, and it seemed like she was getting nowhere with Bucky. This whole little spat Was also not the greatest thing to help the two.

Before Bucky could think of something witty to respond back to, the door opened, revealing Steve and Dr. Hartfelt. 

Lindsey collected her things, looking back at Bucky one last time. “My advice to you, James? Utilize your support system. They love you dearly and I think you know it deep down.”

With that, Lindsey and the doctor took their leave. 

Maybe she was right. Just maybe.

But Bucky would never admit that, however. He was too damn stubborn too. 

Too depressed to admit it.

And too angry to even process it. 

At the end of the day, it was just an endless cycle.