S.T.A.Y

Everything just seemed blurry to it. It just found itself waiting for orders. There were no orders, however. The quiet irked it. Every time there was quiet with Hydra, it would find itself surrounded by men, taking whatever they wanted. They all got their fill, leaving it broken every time. It still obeyed. As much as it disliked everything that was done, it was forced to do the task. See the task to be completed. 

Steve, on the other hand, let it have a choice. That was overwhelming. It felt like it was going to break over a choice. Most of the time, it stayed quiet when it was given a choice, using only gestures to show what it wanted. There were a few things it wasn’t allow, courtesy of Steve. It couldn’t call itself “it.” Its name was Bucky. James Buchanan Barnes. Deep down, it knew it was Bucky. That was its name. But after so many years of being referred to as “It,” or “Vronsky,” or “Soldier,” Bucky had seemed foreign. 

On missions, Hydra agents would refer to it as “Vronsky.” It was easier, rather than calling him, “it.” Vronsky was a name that he got used to, but it still felt foreign to him. A name that wasn’t his. A body that felt unnatural. Sometimes, it wished it would just shrink away and disappear. Or maybe Chair would kill it. Something to get it out. Just to be… Free.

“Bucky?” Bucky snapped out of his haze. How long was Steve calling for him? “Sorry, Steve,” he muttered. Steve smiled softly. “No need to apologize, Bucky,” He assured. Steve was good at assuring Bucky. A part of Bucky knew that he was human. Human made mistakes and that was okay. But the other part was the Winter Soldier. That part was to make no mistakes. It was pure perfection in the eyes of Hydra. Because of this conflict, Bucky had no idea how to feel or to what to think. “What did you need?” he asked quietly. 

“I just wanted to know what shirt you preferred,” he held up a black and navy-blue t shirt. Okay. He could do this! It was a simple task. Well, it wasn’t a task. It was a choice. And he had one this time. Hesitantly, he pointed to the blue one. Steve nodded and set the shirt to the side. Bucky sighed quietly. 

This shouldn’t be this hard. He had made so much progress here with Shuri and Ayo. He was able to do so much. Then those damned trigger words. All the progress he made. All the peace he had. All of it was gone. It was back to square one. 

It’s- his gaze floated back to Steve, who seemed to be… packing? Wait. Was Steve leaving? No. No, he couldn’t be leaving it-him, yet. Bucky grew panicked, breathing heavily and feeling his eyes get blurry. “Hey, hey, hey, look at me,” a voice coaxed. The tears were coming out. It couldn’t stop them. The soldier wasn’t supposed to cry. It was to be punished if it showed any form of emotion. The panic set in further, cutting out audio. Everything was muffled. It closed its eyes, pulling its hair so tight it thought it would rip the hair right of its scalp. Voices that were not its own were talking. All in its head. They all sounded like hydra agents, spitting orders and screaming at it. But through all the yelling, there was another voice. 

A soft voice. Buried under the pile of screaming agents and scientists. It was calling… him. Yes, him. He couldn’t tell what the voice was saying but he followed it. His breathing slowed and the voice began to quiet down. Something took his hands, setting them in his lap. Steve. Steve was still here. When he opened his eyes, he was met with him. He didn’t go. He stayed. 

“Easy,” Steve coddled. Bucky nodded, still trying to regain a breathing rhythm. “Breathe in and breathe out.” Bucky did just that. It had been a few minutes, but Bucky had finally calmed down. Another panic attack. Suddenly that familiar feeling of dread settled in. To break down like it had did was unacceptable. Punishment was next. Hydra had always punished Bucky to elicit the Winter Soldier. But things were different this time.

Bucky was with Steve. Bucky was in Wakanda. And he was safe. It was a moment of clarity, something that he had needed. “You okay?” Steve had asked. Bucky paused and nodded slowly. “That’s what I wanna hear,” Steve exhaled, pleased to see that his friend was doing slightly better. Any improvement was good. Buck was still worried. For obvious reasons. He didn’t want Steve to leave. Steve was his best friend. At some points it felt like they were soulmates. 

Thats where his head was right now. He couldn’t fathom losing Steve again. “You're not leaving me, are you?” Hie eye still wet with tears. 

Steves eyebrows furrowed. “No, no of course no,” He glanced around to figure… oh. He was packing shirts. In a suitcase. No wonder why bucky thought he was leaving. It certainly looked like it. That’s where he got excited. He could feel the small flame of joy ignite inside his chest. 

“But I do have to talk with you.”

“Is it- am I in trouble?”

“No, not at all. I actually have a choice for you to make,” he looked delighted to be giving this to Bucky. Choices seemed to be a common theme today. It was overstimulating, especially after the panic attack he had. But a piece of him felt… excited to do this. 

“What…” he was little nervous as well. He wouldn’t deny that. “W-what are my choices?”

Steve smiled, feeling giddy. “Okay, so, we need to get you back to normal. Not a perfect normal, but a normal that’ll let you live life just how you want with no major interruptions. So, here’s what we can do. One: we stay here in Wakanda. Your here with Shuri and her team to get you back to normal. Tests and constant monitoring like before will be required.”

Bucky bit his cheek and tried picking at his already raw and bloody thumb. As much as he loved it here in Wakanda, he secretly dreaded all the test that he went through. Every time Shri went to collect him for an exam, he felt this existential feeling of dread and anxiety in his stomach and chest. It reminded him so much of Hydra. Of course, he never complained. He never said anything to protest Shuri. She was only trying to help. And a good soldier never complained. 

But piece of him broke with every exam they did.

“What’s the other choice?” He muttered, wondering if this is what had Steve so excited. It sure seemed like it as Steve couldn't hide the joy in his eyes. 

“I take you back home with me to Brooklyn. You live with me. We take it slow. Psychiatric and health checkups are once a week. The specialists are of Shuri's choosing and all data is referred back to her. She’ll call the shots from here in Wakanda, while you have a change of scenery,” Steve explained.

Bucky liked that. He really liked that. No poking and prodding. “No pokes? No prods?” he wanted to make sure and felt a million times better when Steve nodded. “Occasionally, just for bloodwork. Maybe once a month.” For the first time in God knows how long, Bucky actually felt a little excited. He thought of Brooklyn. Of course, now it wasn’t his Brooklyn. He knew that was a little bittersweet. But his heart was in New York. And Wakanda. Something about just the simple life was… comforting. A little calm for him. 

“So, why exactly are you packing?” He dared to raise an eyebrow, still a little confused. Steve wasn’t expecting that question and sheepishly scratched the back of his head as he went bright red. 

“I- uh… assumed you’d wanna come home with me. Back to Brooklyn. S-so I started packing, which I shouldn’t have because now it looks like I made that choice for you but in reality, I was just excited over the possibility to have my friend with me but I totally-” Bucky was laughing quietly, watching Steves display of sheer embarrassment. “W-why are you laughing?” 

“You haven't changed a bit, Steve,” Bucky smirked. Though the memory was foggy, he could recall that Steve would get excited over the smallest things. That shocked Steve. He didn’t think he’d remember that. Steve chuckled softly, finding the wall to be captivating enough for his attention. There was a moment of silence between the two before Bucky began to speak.

“It- I have some questions,” the anxiety in his chest seemed to find a comfy spot. Steve gave a quick nod, left and then momentarily returned with Shuri in tow. 

“Our guiding light for your questions,” Steve grinned, receiving a playful push from the princess. 

“If it- god damn it, if I choose to go with Steve, how would my criminal past affect me? I’m not exactly buddies with our country allies,” he questioned. 

“That had already been taken care of,” Shuri waved off, “I had T’challa make a few phone calls, along with Tony.” Steves head snapped to the princess, concerned if she had lost her mind. 

“Relax, grandpa. It was the least he could do after the stunt that he had pulled with that taser. He owes us,” Shuri turned to bucky, who was giggling. 

“She called you grandpa,” he spoke through giggles. 

Steve was not amused. “Next question, jerk.” 

“Whatever, punk,” Bucky said, “Will there be any hard feeling if I leave?” 

“Only a little,” Shuri protested, “I will miss your company in the lab.”

Bucky felt his heart sink a little bit hearing that. He would miss the lab too. On Bucky’s good days, Shuri would go to her lab, working on a variety of experiments and trinkets. Buck would find her and watch as she worked. He learned quite a bit and had learned to repair electronics because of it. They had so many good conversations too. The two spent hours on ended, just talking. It would be hard to leave, but it wasn’t forever. When he was better, he knew that he could go where he pleased. He would see Shuri again. He had one more question. 

“What will happen when I am ready for the final assessment? To see if I am still the Winter Soldier?” Steve gave a quick look to Shuri. She knew that this question was inevitable. 

“When I see that you have reached the goals I have set, we will bring you out here to Wakanda for your final test. No wires, no poking, none of that. Just us and those words.” A deep sighed rattled Bucky's ribcage. He hated thinking about those godforsaken words. The good news is that no one here would use those words. He was safe. 

He had choice, however. He got to determine how he wanted to go about testing, this time around. The first time around, Shuri did what she thought was bet for Bucky. He’d never argue with her. She took extremely good care of him. The way he saw it, however, he needed a change. “I think…” he started, “I think I want to go to Brooklyn.” Shuri smiled and nodded. “Traitor,” she jabbed playfully. “We’ll have you out of here in a few hours.” 

Bucky felt off. His anxiety ran rampant throughout his body. The plane ride back home was something that scared him. A good soldier shouldn’t be scared. It had faced several life endangering missions before. What was the plane ride compared to all of those? It also felt… guilty. It shouldn’t feel anything, so why was this a reoccurring issue with it? Did it require maintenance?

The choices. It was given choices. It was ordered to choose. Expect it wasn’t supposed to. But it had malfunctioned, wanting to return to Brooklyn.

It wanted to return. It had a want. It wasn’t supposed to have… wants. It wasn’t with Hydra anymore. It… wasn’t it. HE was Bucky. That’s right. He was a human, not a machine. Bucky was supposed to have wanted and needs. He was allowed to make choices. He didn’t require maintenance. Bucky had to consistently remind himself that. Steve reiterated that it was okay to do so. 

Bucky still felt anxious for the plane ride home, even while helping Steve pack. It helped to soothe his mind, but only a little bit. If he wasn’t handling any clothing, he would pick at the skin surround his thumb. What was left of it anyways. “Are you doing alright, Bucky?” Steve asked, noticing the fidgeting he was doing. Bucky felt ashamed for shaking his head no. “Why is that?” 

He let out a shaky breath. “I’m… nervous.” Steve set down the shirt he finished folding in the suitcase. “We flew to Siberia and we flew into Wakanda to get you better.”

“I-I know! It’s just…” he trailed off, taking a seat on the bed. He put his head in his hand and sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it's the fact that I’ve had a relapse.” he felt stupid. Steve was right. He had flown before. Why was this time so different? Steve sat next to him. They soaked up the silence. Seve did, anyways. It only drove Bucky's anxiety higher

“You know,” Steve was calm, choosing his words wisely, “It’s okay to be nervous. You have every right to be, even if you’ve flown before.” 

“That’s the thing! I’ve done this before. Probably countless times as Hydras toy.”

“So?” That came out a little harsher that Steve intended. Bucky was a little shocked to hear that tone. Steve exhaled quietly. “You also need to remember, you’ve had a rough few days. Your emotions are scattered all over the place. I don’t expect perfection. Neer have, never will.” 

Steve was right. It was part of being human. Part of being normal. “Can we just… sit here for a bit,” he croaked out, feeling his eyes get blurry with tears. He felt weak when he cried. But he guessed that was part of being normal. And like Steve said, his emotions were all over the place. Steve made no protest, sitting next to Bucky. Buck focused on Steves breathing. It was like white noise for him. 

Rogers was a bit shocked, however, when Bucky leaned on his shoulder. Bucky hadn’t initiated touch whatsoever during any part of his recovery. Even before he was the Winter Soldier, Bucky wasn’t very physical. He never really liked it. Even with his family. Steve didn’t question it, though. A part of him knew that Bucky just wanted comfort. That was perfectly fine with Steve. 

To Bucky, Steve was like a space heater. Literally. This guy was so warm at all times. Buck, on the other hand, was cold most of the time. He personally believed that the cryofreeze played a part in that. When he was with Hydra, he was built to endure any conditions. He was used to the freezing nights, staying up to keep watch while his handlers at the time would be sheltered with blankets and warm tea. 

“You’re warm,” Bucky mumbled. Steve chuckled. “Super serum is a hell of a drug.” In a way, sitting together was oddly healing for both of them. For Steve, it brought back memories of the two hanging out, before Bucky was drafted and sent to fight. For bucky, it was nice to have someone to rely on, aside for Shuri and Ayo. He wasn’t so sure about Ayo anymore. She broke the trust he had given to her. It broke Bucky's heart.

“If you’re still nervous, I can see what Shuri wants to do for you. Just so we can make you as comfy as possible,” Steve suggested. He could feel Bucky nod on his shoulder. 

“I’d like that,” he whispered, “Please.” 

It didn’t take for Steve to get Shuri's help with managing Bucky’s anxiety. 17.5 milligrams of Lorazepam for an amputee, underweight super soldier. Two times a day. Bucky had absolutely refused to take the Lorazepam by IV, getting defensive when Steve brought up. Orally it was. That was something Bucky could easily do. He freaked Steve out when he dry swallowed the entire cup full of pills in one go. Bucky spent the next twenty minutes reassuring Steve he was perfectly fine and that this was normal for him on missions with Hydra. In turn, Steve had argued that he was not with Hydra anymore and he would've happily gotten him so water.

An hour later, Bucky was relaxed. His anxiety was tucked away, and he was ready to go. The two found themselves walking out to the plane on the tarmac, luggage in tow. Shuri waited for them, feeling a little sad, yet excited for Bucky to start a new chapter. She knew that Steve would pull out all the stops to get Bucky the life her deserved. 

“Bucky,” she began, feeling the tears form, “You’ve got this. You are strong in your own right. You’ll have your normal life. I know you will.” She wanted to hug him, unsure of how he’d react. She was surprised when he pulled her into one, squeezing her tight. She let her tears fall, as did he. “Thanks for having faith in me,” he chuckled softly, “and for being my friend through all those nights.” She pulled away, laughing at him as the tears trickled off her cheek. “Don’t be a stranger, Barnes.” 

With that, Bucky walked up the steps and into the plane. Shuri waited till Bucky was well out of earshot and turned to Steve, wiping the tears from her face. “Steve Rogers. I have no doubt that you will but let me say my piece.” Steve dipped his head, letting her continue. “Take care of him. Please. He’s scared and doesn’t trust his mind.” 

“Of course I will. He’s my best friend. I’m with him till the end of the line.” Shuri grinned, letting out a sweet laugh before hugging Steve goodbye. Before the princess knew it, she watched as Steve and Bucky flew back to Brooklyn. She was worried, she wouldn’t lie. 

But Bucky was in good hands. 

He’d be okay.